You are here

Is it worth it?

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I’ve written before about how the kids live about an hour away. SO doesn’t really call that much because it just doesn’t go that well. The little one is really too young to care about the phone and the oldest seems uncomfortable. This goes both ways. If BM calls our place the kids act the same so I’m not trying to blame her.

Now what I can blame her for is the fact that she refuses to give my partner extra time with the kids. I’ve written about that before. She works all weekend so on the weekends we don’t have them they stay with her dads.
Her father has said in the past it’s hard for him to watch them so much but he won’t go against her. I’m pretty sure she pulls the same crap with him that she does with my partner. Either do what she wants or you don’t see the kids.

It’s so bad that we can’t even take them out for lunch or to the park if we’re in town like yesterday. We’ll stop by grandpa’s for a bit to see the kids but of course we can’t leave.  I’m really not sure if we should keep doing it though. For one SO gets so depressed afterwards. It’s the same as when the kids leave after our weekends but we only get to see them for about an hour max so I don’t know.

Then I’m not sure what the kids think. The little one doesn’t seem to care.  He came and sat on the couch with us but played his tablet the whole time and didn’t really interact as he has always done in the past. The oldest seems to drop everything when we show up. She practically warps herself around both of us and won’t do anything else while we are there so I know she likes us stopping by but I also hate that we can’t go anywhere and I wonder how she handles it after we leave.

I don’t know if it’s worth the emotional pain it causes my partner. I don’t know if we should ask the oldest if she likes us visiting or if it bothers her more. She’s asked in the past if we were there to take her to our place which really hurt me. How do you explain to an 8 year old that you would love to but mom won’t let you?

 I also don’t exactly want to just stop because we plan fight for 50/50 custody in the next year or so after we can move into the same school district. Despite the latest issues we’ve had its still our hope to move and we might be able to as early as the start of the next school year. I think it would help his case if we can show that he has attempted to play a more active role in the children’s life while BM has done all she can to prevent that.


lieutenant_dad's picture

Your SO has to decide if the pain is worth it or not. Do NOT ask SD and put the burden on her to make a decision for herself, her brother, and her father. Now, you may want to talk to grandpa and see how he feels since he deals with the fallout, if there is any, after you all leave.

Keep in mind that even IF you all move closer, your SO may not get 50/50. He COULD get more time, though. He could get a Wednesday dinner, or an every other Wednesday/Thursday overnight. Those nights, while longer than an hour, are going to induce the same depression. He needs to be the one deciding if it is worth it.

I don't mean this to be callous, but you will have to learn that this is the bed your SO made for himself when he had kids with crazy. Your SO isn't 100% faultless for this situation. He made the choice to have kids with someone who was mentally unstable. Is it fair that she has been such a B since the divorce? No. However, your SO was well aware of her personality and behavior while married, and he had the ability to not have two kids (unless there was assault and rape involved, then my stance changes).

It's hard watching your SO go through this. I watch it with my DH (though now that the kids are older and less reliant on him, he has a much easier time with it). But these are their crosses to bear. These are the consequences of their choices, even though they are unfair. It sucks, but the decision on whether seeing the kids is a good idea or not isn't one you two can make together. That is on him to decide and him to live with, and him to prevent from spilling over to negatively affecting both of your lives.

Sanfranciscobaby's picture

Is the question is it worth it to see the kids if it’s going to cause DH so much pain afterwards? Yes the children need to see their kids and DH will have to manage his feelings with love and support from you of course. Lots of dads can’t deal with the pain so they stop seeing their kids altogether which in turn hurts the children. I would start the custody process now and DH doesn’t have to be afraid of BM and her threats. 

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Just to be clear. There is no way that SO will completely stop seeing his children and I wouldn’t be with him if he did that. We love having them on the weekends and we’ve fought for every single holiday we are supposed to get. We’d love to have them every weekend and we’ve repeatedly requested even just one extra day with us handling all of the transportation. We do everything we can to make it to school plays / events and so on.  

The question is if it’s worth it for us to stop at grandpa’s when we can only see the kids for an hour max and we’re forbidden from taking them outside of the house. Since he lived in the same city for years we still have friends that we hang out with on average at least once a month. We get to town early and would love to take them out to a park or go to lunch, anything to be with the kids, and secondary it would give grandpa a break but BM refuses to let my partner take the kids out and grandpa won’t stop us from seeing them but he won’t let us take them either. I really think he’s afraid that BM would punish him like she’s done in the past.

I don’t know how much it impacts the kids when we do stop and visit in the home. The little one doesn’t seem greatly bothered either way. The oldest LOVES for us to be there. Like I said when we are she will drop everything and just sit on her dad’s lap the whole time sucking up all of his attention. She is very much a daddy’s girl.

I worry if it might upset her because we can only stay a bit. Like I said in the past she thought us coming by meant we were there to pick her up to come back home with us and it was really hard to tell her no. I don’t know if the joy of seeing her dad for an hour is worth the disappointment that she experiences when we have to leave her there. It’s hard because she’s only 8 but she already knows more than she should. I don’t want her to think we don’t want to take her and her brother but at the same time I don’t want to tell her the truth. That her mom is a hateful, evil b*tch who refuses to respect their father’s role in their life and would rather punish him then let the kids spend any extra time with us.

I also see how badly it hurts my partner when we can’t leave with the kids. I mean we can’t even take them out of the house for half an hour to get ice cream. BM won’t see the kids for almost 3 full days and yet my partner can’t take them to the park for a few hours. It really makes him feel low and also angry with her. He doesn’t lash out at me or anything but I can see it brothers him a lot and I just don’t know if it’s worth all the pain. As it is the reason we only stay for an hour because that’s all my partner can take emotionally. He’s excited to see them but the whole situation makes him feel horrible.

Eventually we will live in the same area and grandpa’s made it clear that he will stop watching the kids so much because he knows my partner will let him see them regularly when we have them. We’re not mad at grandpa for this and have no desire of keeping the kids from him. We just want to be able to spend more time with the children. We want them in our home in their own beds at night or to at least spend some time outside instead of on tablets all day because grandpa’s health means he can’t even drive.

Sanfranciscobaby's picture

Yes I think it's worth it. If you stop, the kids will be disappointed. (Sorry, you did write that question but the post  long so I forgot it was asked.) Is there a court order that says DH can't take his own child from GP's house for a short time?

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

It’s not so much there is a court order saying he can’t take them. It’s just that it’s her time. He get’s visitation every other weekend and we weren’t able to get REAL rights of first refusal. I wrote before about how BM tried this crap of RoFR but she had it worded that it only took effect when the parent OR GRANDPARENT couldn’t keep the kids. She knew exactly what she was doing and since it would do nothing to help my partner and could only hurt him he refused to let that be added to their order. Of course she gets to look good and say she tried but she knows damn well that she hides them at her grandfathers and I’m really the only one who watches the kids for my partner. Since we’re not married we were informed by the lawyer, that no, I don’t count.

Maybe legally he could demand he be given the children but honestly I don’t think so. It’s legally BM’s time and she is allowed to leave them with whoever she wants. Grandpa is scared she will restrict his contact as she’s done in the past. We went through this right at the start when she basically dropped the kids on grandpas door then went out to party. Grandpa wasn’t feeling good and called my SO who went to get the kids. Grandpa texted BM what he was doing and she rushed back, took the kids, and basically disappeared for the weekend even though my partner was supposed to have them the next day by their verbal agreement. She then refused to let grandpa see them for a while and we have no clue where they were.