I gave SO an ultimatum of sorts.
I HATE that we’re at this point and I don’t do this sort of thing lightly but something’s got to give. I messaged the VSO trying to help us with SO’s VA claim. What he’s told me is that she was trying to get the records so we can fix the DD214. Without it being fixed we’re stuck. Well she didn’t message me back so Friday I sat down with SO.
I told him that as much as I want to help him I can’t because of my hours. I’ll do what I can but he HAS to get this taken care of. That he is failing to provide for the kids and it’s not fair to them or me. I’m going through this bankruptcy to better myself and in turn our family and from what I could see he was avoiding dealing with the VA. He wasn’t acting against the process but he wasn’t assisting it either.
We’ve got A LOT of things changing in our life right now. We may be moving as early as this summer and with my finical situation being fixed I’m ready to move on with our life. I informed him that there was no possibility of us getting married until I see him really file for disability and seeks treatment for his PTSD.
I spoke to my mom about this and the frustrating thing is except for this whole VA issue I truly am happy. We don’t fight, the kids are great, and I go to bed every night happy. If this VA thing didn’t exist I wouldn’t care but I can’t just let it go. We’re talking minimum 400 and maximum over 3000 a month in funds he’s letting his pride or whatever get in the way of. We’re talking the kids’ college being completely provided for if he gets the benefits he should.
We have an intent to file reported for July and with as slow as things are progressing I’m really worried we’ll lose that date. IF we can get things in order he will get back pay starting with that date so we’re talking 4000+ that he will get as soon as his claim is accepted as long as SOMETHING gets filed before then.
I know once this issue gets taken care of there are no other problems between us. Even this isn’t something that impacts are daily life as silly as that sounds. We’re OK. The bills are being paid and foods on the table but I don’t want to stay with ok. This home we’re going to get is the biggest blessing we could have gotten and if he gets his act together we really could turn everything around. We’re talking getting 50/50 custody of the kids and POSSIBLY having another child as we have discussed. We’re talking their futures being greatly improved and ours being set. This isn’t about money for us it’s about them and what this money could do for them. On top of that it’s about him. He NEEDS a service dog. I’ve seen him with his moms and his whole demeanor changes. We cannot afford for him to access a doctor without the VA and with it we should easily get him cleared for a new dog. I know that sounds like a stupid focus point but the change is that big.
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What was the ultimatum you
What was the ultimatum you gave? It wasn’t very clear, it’s it just that he has to do this himself? What’s the consequence if he doesn’t meet the deadline?
That I won’t marry him till
That I won’t marry him till it’s done. That is enough for now because we have been looking at rings and we’re supposed to buy them this month. We’ll see what happens as things progress. Right now being with him isn’t hurting me finically. If we get the house this summer I’ll actually be in a better position finically because then we won’t be splitting rent. So being with him isn’t hurting me but I’m not willing to tie myself to him till he proves he’s doing all he can to provide for our home like I am.
I did get an email from the VSO today and so I do believe he called her (finally). He also tells me he did set up a meeting with a different organization that will help him progress towards having his PTSD officially diagnosed. I’ll be able to check this when I get home. This is the one area where I don’t trust him and demand to see phone records / emails proving he’s doing what he tells me he did.
I DO recognize that the delays fixing the DD214 aren’t on him BUT I was upset that he wasn’t checking in like he should.
That’s why I said it’s an ultimatum, sort of. I’m not leaving but I’m not moving forward like we want to. If we get to July and nothings happen honestly I'm not sure but right now I got the response I wanted and honestly knew I would if I laid it out there.
This wasn't an ultimatum,
This wasn't an ultimatum, unless you gave a consequence for this not happening. What you did was add to his "honey-do" list, which most people find to be a laughable concept as it's where projects go to die.
Either this is a big enough thing that it will cause you to leave if it doesn't happen, or it's a small enough thing that you can learn to let go of. If it's the latter, then I would start working to figure out how to let this go and coming up with your Plan B option if it falls through. If it's the former, then you need to let your SO know the consequences.
Not getting married and not having more kids isn't a consequence FOR HIM. You two remaininf unwed means he gets the same perks as he does now. Not having more kids doesn't impact his current bottom line. It's not like your wedding is planned and paid for, or you have spent money to have an IUD removed and have bought stock in prenatal vitamins. Your threat is "do this or a possible future awesome thing might not happen and your stuck with what you currently have". Which, as you've said, is pretty good.
He's not losing anything from your proposal as written. He just doesn't gain anything else. If he is okay with things remaining the status quo, then why would he put himself through his personal version of torture by dealing with the VA? He won't, until the thing he has to lose or gain outweighs that torture. If he has untreated mental health issues, then the prospect of more responsibility through a wife and more kids is probably not a good motivator.
As I said above SO and I
As I said above SO and I planned to buy the rings this month. Marriage was on the table and possibly by the end May but now there’s a clear requirement stopping that. Yes my wording is possibly wrong but the discussion we had did have the intended effect as he has made some effort to handle this today.
I understand my partner can’t fix the DD214 on his own and it will take time. My issue was that he wasn’t making any effort to check in with the VSO and she hadn’t responded to my email. Basically I can’t do this for him and he wasn’t doing it for himself.
He has supposedly started the process of being seeing for his PTSD by another group that helps veterans but isn’t the VA. While this isn’t prefect it will start the record he needs to be diagnosed. Basically yes if he was satisfied with things being the way they are then so am I but I know from our discussions I know he’s not. He does want to get married and that he does want to have another child. This isn’t something that only I want. I’ve laid out there what needs to happen.
DFTT, what will happen if he
DFTT, what will happen if he does nothing?? It seems like all of the forward motion is due to YOUR action. I'm beginning to wonder if hetruly wants to get married. :/
He already did something. He
He already did something. He wants to get married. He has discussed it as much as me. He has discussed me having the IUD removed. This was all stuff that I am willing to do but I’ve made it clear that if he doesn’t take care of stuff nothing will change between us. We’re not in a bad spot. I’m not unhappy and if he gets turned down I don’t dislike the life we have. I just don’t like him not making the effort I know he can.
But, financially, you kind of
But, financially, you kind of are in a bad spot.
I get why you had debt and had to file for bankruptcy, but you had to file nonetheless. That means you were at a point where your debts outweighed your funds. While you're no longer at immediate risk for cancer, or so it seems, you and SO BOTH have serious medical issues that could put you in financial harm.
Additionally, your housing situation has not been ideal, and my understanding of the new house is that it is a family-owned property that he is being gifted. That means that, on your own, you two cannot afford the home without outside intervention.
Overall, I think what we are all trying to get across to you is that, if he doesn't follow through fully, your threats of no marriage and no babies doesn't change the current situation. Would you stay if he just...didn't? If he just let this all drop? Are you okay with knowing he COULD get free medical and he COULD have more income that could have helped prevent bankruptcy or given you more of a financial cushion in case you two got sick or something with this house broke down?
Basically, look at this further than 3 months down the road and wider than your immediate dreams. You two don't have the income or credit to support the life you want to have. Him doing this gives you not just the things you want, but the things you need to be a successful couple, such as treatment for his illness, a guaranteed financial cushion if things go south, ability to pay for emergencies, college for the kids, etc. Him not doing this has much further reaching impact than just whether you two can get married or have kids.
Ultimately, you know your situation better than the rest of us. If this puts his rear fully into gear, then good. It can only be a net positive for you. However, really, TRULY think about what happens if he doesn't do this and where you draw your line. It's better to have the line drawn now than to allow the situation to go so far that you draw your line further than your comfortable because you've already gone past that point.
Good luck.
It did exactly what I thought
It did exactly what I thought it would. He made the calls he needed to make and the VSO messaged me back.
I know what buttons to push. When it comes to his kids he does what he needs to. He just needs someone to call him out when he forgets to look ahead like he should.