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daisy0202's picture

Submitted by daisy0202 on Wed, 08/01/2012 - 2:54pm

Yes thats right I am back...Things have been going well but today had a set back.

SD16 has been comming over more often and things have been ok. yes just OK, she is not cocky, not being rude, or mean. Shes just ALWAYS THERE ONCE AGAIN!!!!

Boyfriend is no longer in picture, they are not living with us anymore but they both stay now on the weekends. It has been OK and working well but now DH and I decided Wed. will be our alone time. We do go out on weekends and Sd16 does not piss and moan but shes always there!!!!

So today DH is supposed to come by after I get out of work. It was suppose to be just him but SD wants to come. But DH is doing a job about 5 minutes away from the house. SD wants him to go 20 minutes to pick her up and bring her with him. I told DH that was ridiculous espicially since DH has been laid off for 2 weeks now and does not have the gas money to go back and forth. So dumb ass me says just dont come today and i'll see you Friday...DH says OK :jawdrop: Ok I know i told him not to come but thought his responce would be havent seen you since sunday I really want to see you but instead he says Ok I'll stay home with SD....MF that totally pissed me off....I'm like wtf...

and yes I agreed SD16 could come on weekends but thought (dumb ass me) boyfriend and her have been great and all is good. But she acted stupid and boyfriend dumped her ass....So since then she comes to my house doesnt go anywhere once again and I was stupid enough to allow it so now what do i say I dont want her here again when i said it was ok and things were going well. Things were going great now I am noticing she is getting clingy again. She is not being rude or disrespectful just always with us and never doing anything.....WTF I am nervous we are headed for a relapse here.....WTF do i do?

Comments

smdh's picture

Submitted by smdh on Wed, 08/01/2012 - 3:04pm

It's ok to pull back. And I'd use tonight as the trigger. I would say "Look, dh, things have been going smoothely, but I'm noticing that SD is starting to regress. Case in point, you were coming to visit on Wednesday night (our alone night) and SD expected to come. That is not ok. It shows signs of the past where she thinks that if you and I are together she thinks she belongs here, too, and I'm not there yet. So we're going to have to put some boundaries back in place."

smdh's picture

Submitted by smdh on Wed, 08/01/2012 - 3:12pm

I agree with snickers, but since things were going fine before you started allowing them to push the boundaries, I say go back to that. Seemed like it worked for you. Didn't work for them, but that is their problem.

I do have to ask this though? When you say it is "ok" but she is always there, what does that mean? Do you and dh get alone time? Does she still answer when he is speaking to you? Does she at least retreat to her bedroom at a reasonable time so you can have adult time? Does she let the two of you enjoy time on the deck without her present? Does she do her own thing (read, write, watch tv, talk on the phone) while you're going about your business? OR is she literally RIGHT THERE? Do you feel like she has to be a part of every aspect of your life with dh?

There is an important distinction there. If she is there, but you and dh go out for dinner without her and she keeps her yap shut, then so what? You can't change that she is a homebody. Neither can your dh. All he can do is keep boundaries with his relationship with her and you. More importantly, does she still think she is staying with you guys until she is 40?

Lola383's picture

Submitted by Lola383 on Wed, 08/01/2012 - 3:20pm

I'm having a similar problem my SO's kid. SS10 has to be involved in everything we do. I finally unleashed all my pissed-offness about it yesterday and SO totally sides with his kid. Its frustrating, I feel second best. And its a tough battle. A lot of girls on here tell me he isn't going to change either, but I love him enough to have hope that we can work on it. XX fingers at least! Hang in there!

cant win for losin's picture

Submitted by cant win for losin on Wed, 08/01/2012 - 5:00pm

you really shouldn't be surprised. I understand though. When you want something to "be" sooo bad.......

Personally, I think you should just so back to your original boundaries where you were "dating" your DH. SD doesn't need to be around on the weekends. DH doesn't need to stay weekends regularly. If you all want to do a "family" thing, then it should happen outside of your home. One event and be done. One event once a month. Example, just dinner. Not dinner AND a movie. Or JUST a movie, etc.....