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The Spy in my house

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

It's been a while since I have blogged because things were relatively quiet.  We are still having some problems with SD12's behavior.  She still is messy and sneaky, which make it very difficult for me to live with her.  I am extremely OCD and can't stand the messes she makes.  Plus, when DH makes her clean up, it takes her hours to clean up a mess that should take only a few minutes.  I am lucky because DH stays on her about it and is making her be responsible and own her behavior.  

My biggest problem comes from the fact that she has recently been allowed to start visitation and phone contact with BM again.  For those of you who haven't read my blogs, BM lost custody of her kids for a while.  She wasn't allowed to call or visit with either SD.  My SD14 (was 12 when this started) was sent to live with DH's aunt becasue she can't live with us anymore.  My DH was involved (and still is) in her counseling sessions and trying to undo years of PAS.  SD14 is now living with BM again so that has made things difficult and she has stopped trying to work things out with him.  And SD12 is now allowed to visit BM over the whole summer and most school holidays.  She also gets to contact BM on the phone each day.

When BM was out of the picture, SD12 was very respectful of our boundaries and was starting to really change.  Since she has restarted contact, she has completely regressed and is back to being whiny and doing bad in school.  But the biggest problem is that she has become BM's little spy again.  She tells BM everything that happens in our house and even was caught sending her pics and videos of my house and my kids (after she was told not too).

I get so annoyed at DH because it bothers him but he doesn't know how to stop it.  Nothing seems to work.  I have no privacy in my own home.  It went so far that I overheard BM ask SD12 to listen at our bedroom door and report any weird noises that she heard.  That just really bothered me.  DH wanted to just brush it off and say who cares if BM knows we have a healthy sex life.  I just don't look at it that way.  DH is now upset as he has realized I now refuse to have any relations with him at all while SD12 is in the house.  

Also, we just found out I am pregnant.  We are keeping it a secret until 13 weeks because I had a miscarriage two years ago and SD told BM who then announced it to DH's family who didn't even know we were pregnant.  My miscarriage became a topic of discussion before we had a chance to deal with it.  So we are walking on eggshells about it.  I just hate that we have to keep things such a big secret.  We even have to hide financial things because she will relate what we spend on things to her mom.  DH caught her looking through our billing statements and she asks what things cost each time that we buy anything. 

I feel like I can't be myself in my own house.  I know that there is nothing that we can do about it.  DH has had numerous talks with her about and has even punished her for not following the rules.  But nothing seems to help.  Does anyone else deal with this?  Any tips on how to handle it and not lose your mind?  


futurobrillante99's picture

I know several people here have laid out traps for skids by leaving brochures for expensive trips or boats or new cars laying around so that BM will freak out and a skid will be outed as a spy.

Why not lay some traps for her so she's exposed?

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

Great idea. I think I will try that. At least the information will not be true and will cause BM to freak out.

MoominMama's picture

This is a horrible way to have to live. I feel so sorry for you, you sound like a very genuine person who is doing her best as a step parent. They should be glad they have you. But, what to do?

BM was stopped from seeing her own children at one point, i assume this was by a court and for their wellbeing. Is it possible to go back to whatever court or agency that dealt with it last time and tell them what is going on? Tell them that BM is using PAS again etc. This is so bad for those children and most of all for YOU and your relationship, let alone the thought of what will happen when you have a child together.

Keep any texts and evidence of what is going on, you will need it. How dare that bia**h interfere and spy on your life that way using her own child. I am disgusted.

* also think its time to talk to SD about her behaviour.

** i see you have done that and she is ignoring you and getting lots of attention from BM for doing it. Family therapy? Is that a possibility? You would need to find someone who is prepared to challenge her about her behaviour. 

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

We have filed to get custody revisited but our lawyer isnt confident, as BM is going to tgerapy and working with CPS. She plays up MOTY in court and for the therapist and social worker.

MoominMama's picture

They always do. But you need evidence. Cps were involved before and they should be again. 

MoominMama's picture

Time for you to work with cps too, tell them how she has become a bad influence on her child, grades suffering and being alienated against yor DH. There is plenty of evidence here. Im sure BM is painting herself as moty with cps. Your DH needs to crash her party. 

Areyou's picture

Ask SD directly "Are you going home and telling your mom everything that happens here? If you are, I am asking you to stop it right now."

momjeans's picture

Sending you happy, healthy pregnancy vibes! 

And, oof... it would take everything in me not to kick someone into tomorrow if I caught them red handed sending pictures/videos of my children. 

Is your DH opposed to putting strict restrictions on her phone?

I’ve always chuckled at the act of leaving wild and crazy pamphlets around the house. Extravagant and expensive jewelry, travel brochures, etcetera. 

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

She has restrictions on her phone. She only gets 10 minutes of talk time with BM a night. Her phone stays with DH at all other times because she has had so many bad grades and has broken so many rules. We figured out that she was going into BS12's room and sending messages from his phone when he is at his dad's house. So now his door is locked when he isnt here and we set a password on his phone. Hopefully this will stop the texts and pics.

futurobrillante99's picture

If you put out brochures, make sure they are for sports cars or all manner of things you would never get if you had a baby. That should buy you some time on her figuring out things. I mean, you couldn't be prepping for a baby if you're shopping for motorcycles!!

nengooseus's picture

It's one thing to put locks and passwords on, it's quite another to make the child look you and DH in the face and explain their actions.  We've done it several times with SD, who doesn't actively spy, but she definitely reports back.  And it's always shocking to her when we know she's done something she doesn't know we know. LOL

MoominMama's picture

This would work with any half decent skid with a conscience, both of mine lied right to our faces, just denied even things where there was obvious evidence. 

Ispofacto's picture

It went so far that I overheard BM ask SD12 to listen at our bedroom door and report any weird noises that she heard.

Wow, that's pervy and weird as hell.

momjeans's picture

I always forget that steps this age can be so sneaky and manipulative. 

We bought our house in March, so skid (almost 12) hadn’t been here until Father’s Day. It felt super violating to see and hear her open up closed doors, my bathroom medicine cabinet and closets, and asking me what was behind my closed bedroom door, very matter of factly. It makes me happy she doesn’t stay here all that much, because I don’t care for her while DH works 60-80 hour work weeks.

When she was with us more, DH used to go through her phone and delete photos he didn’t want BM to see before she went home.

Maxwell09's picture

I agree with the first suggestion. You can’t make her stop giving BM information because she’s choosing to tell her everything so you might as well give her a run for her money. If anything laying out pool plans, house renos, beach condo investments, babies etc all these things would just flood BM and she will start to doubt the skid. I do this with BM (no skid involved) with my Pinterest account. I caught on to her when I planned to dye my hair a certain color then she turned up at exchange with it done similar.  Then I started saving pins to redecorate SS’s room in his favorite character, then BM did it all of a sudden. I blew it off thinking it was nothing but then I started pinning a certain brand & style of boys clothes for SS and BS and a week later BM started posting pics of SS and Spawn in those clothes. She also changed her original Fall themed wedding to a destination beach wedding will nearly duplicates of all the same pins I’ve saved. So start leaving out random stuff, start talking about the future vacations, trips, etc and see how much gets back to BM. Bury the personal gossip with pointless crap.