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I'm just over it--

cmd88's picture

Alright... So I guess I spoke too soon as to saying that my SD12 has been getting better with attitude, not being so clingy, etc...

If ya'll remember my post about grounding both SD12 and DD13 for failing grades, and everything that went down during that time, things were getting better. SD12 was not giving me much attitude and started to warm back up to me like it used to be for us. Well... we got her back from BM's yesterday. I had a really really bad day at work, after work, I run to the grocery store to get stuff to make for dinner, I come home and DBF was in the fridge cleaning it out because it was garbage day. He asks me, while clingy SD was legit up his A$$ whose chinese was in the fridge. SD12 cuts me off as I was trying to talk to him and goes, "It's mine and I told CMD88 that I didn't want to bring it to BM's!! So she should have thrown it away!!!" I said, "It's not my job to throw away YOUR garbage." Then DBF asks DD13 if she did her homework, and she said "Yes, on the bus." and DBF goes, "well why didn't you help SD12 with her's since you had the same assignment?" and before DD13 could answer she goes, "BECAUSE she probably didn't even do it DADDY! HAHAHAHAHAHA." And then I am in the livingroom trying to fix the remote and she was like, "You're NOT doing it RIGHT!" Then goes and starts jumping up and down on the furniture. I got up, went to my bedroom to calm down, and DBF follows me and asks me why I was mad at him, I said, "I am technically not mad at you, it's SD that I am mad at because of her snotty attitude." His response, "Well why didn't you call her on it?" I said, "She's your daughter and you were standing right there while she was being an entitled little brat. He said, "Well I didn't hear it, and this is your house too, we make the rules and you have the right to call her on something if she is misbehaving." Then he later goes up to SD12 and tells her she has some apologizing to do, and if she hasn't figured out why by the time he came back from bringing the garbage out, that we would have a sit down and talk. So, nope she didn't come to me and apologize, she acted like she did nothing wrong. Dinner comes around and I am obviously still pissed, and right after dinner, DBF brings out cards to teach the girls a new game, I go back into the bedroom, he storms in and asks why I am mad again, and I said because he was rewarding her bad behavior... we ended up in an arguement and once again, the problem has not been solved....

In all honesty, should I call her on her crap? Because I think if I called SD on her crap, which tends to be a lot when she gets in those moods, that it would probably cause an arguement... We have her tonight as well, and I am to the point where I just can't stand her right now. Do I go in my room and hide out for the rest of the night and on DBF's last night off before he goes back to work for 5-7 days straight? I am at my witts end with her. 

Comments

stepmomnorth's picture

This feels like what would happen when my step kids were around and low and behold my partner would never notice.

I would give your partner a heads up that if this behavior happens again, he needs to keep an eye out and shut it down real quick. And that if he doesn't, you will call them out, in front of him, so he can back you up and reinforce that the bad behavior won't be tolerated. 

cmd88's picture

Yes, that's kind of what I said to him a few minutes ago. I have been so stressed out and so on edge that I am not eating really... I told him that I do not want to come home to attitude or for us to argue and that I was going to keep to myself tonight. His response, "I am sorry that your stressed babe, I get it." Not even really offering a solution so then I told him that he needs to have a sit down and have a chat about attitudes again, and that the furniture was not a jungle gym, and that things really need to change, still waiting on a response... I am just sick to my stomach over it and I know I shouldn't let it bother me so much.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

IMO, he doesn't want to call her on her crap because he will be the bad guy. If you do it, YOU are the bad guy to his good guy. Sure, it's your house but it is certainly not your fault that he refuses to parent his bratty kid.

cmd88's picture

That's what it feels like. He wants to be the fun parent, while I look like the evil one. He said he was going to discuss what she needs to be sorry about and then just never did and it aggravates me. I tried discussing this with him again today but it's hard when I am at work. I just don't want to come home to more attitude after work. 

AgedOut's picture

you're going to argue anyway, why not argue because you parented the child he refuses to control. I found that things like stopping as soon as she says things like that and calmly saying "why are you lying " "why would you lie about that" and "please leave the room until you can act your age" work well. If Daddy gets mad, remind him (in front of her) of what he said to you about punishing/calling out/ repremanding her. 

Cover1W's picture

I can only give you examples of what I have done/do.  While YSD16 is not snotty and entitled, OSD certainly was. Luckily I don't have the outright attitude to deal with (and which, by the way, I countered every single time - snotty remarks to me are not tolerated even if DH is there).

SDs stuff left around/in fridge. I leave it. Leave.it. DH can deal with it and I say not a word except if it starts smelling then HE deals with it. YSD left her things out from last night's dessert and her lunch making this morning. I don't touch it. DH doesn't have any requirements she clean up then I certainly do not.

Jumping on furniture is not ever tolerated. I did not disengage from that at all. SDs destroyed/damaged furniture at our prior rental house because DH didn't see an issue (yes, he took care of 100% of it afterwards) and I was NOT going to allow that in our together home.  It did end because I was on it all the time. It's not a gym - go outside.

AgedOut's advice above it good. Remain cool calm and collected.

ESMOD's picture

I would be the queen of smart alec retorts with that one.

I think you handled the leftovers fine.. 

The "well, she probably didn't do it".. I would look at her and say.. "you know.. no one likes a tattle tale" or "perhaps if you worried more about your own homework instead of whether DD did hers.. you would be getting better grades? mmm?"

When she was on you about the remote..   a pointed "you want to fix it? here you go." and walk out of the room.

Yeah.. if you are going to argue about him not calling her on being a pissant then you do it.. 

 

 

cmd88's picture

It's funny on how she was so quick to be like, "Probably because she didn't do it, hahaha," because she still has a low grade in the class and my DD13 has brought it up from an E to a B+. So SD has not right to say anything or try to parent. Gosh she drives me nuts sometimes. I can't even. 

AgedOut's picture

how about "I think your report cards show us who is doing the work and who is lying"

floralsm's picture

This will only work if you nip it in the bud there and then. If DH doesn't stand up and do it, then I would definitely say something. SD used to say those things to me but conveniently when DH was not around. I had no choice but to give her my warning tone and say loudly so DH would hear 'Excuse me? Can you repeat that please?' And she would falter, and I calmly remind her that's not how we talk to each other in this house. If we were alone I would tell her the same thing (always calm in a respectable tone) and communicate to her I'll be discussing this chat with DH. He follows up on it and deals with coming down on her about it. She's been much better now we do that. 

Jumping on furniture is a no mercy zone for me too. I can't stand silly kid behaviour. I always tell the SK's off to not wrestle and be silly on the couch. I remind them we bought a $300 trampoline for Christmas one year and to go outside and do it on there if they want to be stupid. Haha I just have no effs anymore when it comes to that. I kick them outside and wait for DH to deal with it. Now they are a bit older they would rather stop and watch tv. Your SD12 should definitely know better by that age. 

thinkthrice's picture

"Got her back from BM's"  Yep Any progress is wiped out.  One step forward, two steps back.

cmd88's picture

Seems that way for sure. Everytime she comes back from there, I either get attitude, or laziness, or both. *Eyeroll*

thinkthrice's picture

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simifan's picture

I love the way you handled the fridge. You need to handle each incident that way, but call DH out on it. Throw DH under the bus. ""It's not my job to throw away YOUR garbage. DH would you please teach your daughter to be responsible for her own trash." "That was rude. DH would you please explain to your daughter making unfounded accusations are unacceptable." "I'm the adult, you do not tell me what to do. DH would you please teach your daughter to respect her elders." 

Crr18's picture

My SKs do not do anything bad and they are not messy but since they are not made to do chores by SO I don't clean up after them. Just the other day there were 3 plastic bottles and we recycle. SS had walked down the stairs and SO was ready to head that way too I grabbed the one that was mine and said to SO do you want to grab these other two they are not mine. He actually told SS to come and get them. It is very petty of me. So kudos to you leaving stuff in the fridge. 

cmd88's picture

Thank you. I didn't know if how I responded was the right way but that's the first reaction that came to mind. I came home from work yesterday and she wouldn't speak to me at all and she was using my laptop without even asking me... This morning I told her she needed to make sure she got on the right bus to go to her moms and she was like I KNOW!!! I said "well the last time you complained after you got off the bus at our house when you were supposed to go to your moms, you snapped and said it was because we didn't let you know, so now I am letting you know! Have a good day dear SD!" and then said goodbye to my DD and that I loved her and went on my merry way to work. 

grannyd's picture

~ Password protect and lock up your things now. ~

Absolutely, Cover! My MacPro is off limits. The kids/grands have been made to understand that Granny and Papa’s laptops are sacrosanct whereas our late-model, desktop computer and iPad are available for all.

It’s my opinion that a blended family requires a basic minimum of privacy, in order to be successful. 

 

 

 

cmd88's picture

Good Idea. I am going to do just that and actually hide the laptop in my room.