J*O*B
I made a connection and SD15/16 Backstabber/Munchkin got a job. Its about 5 hours on Saturdays, selling a product at the farmers market.
She initially called my friend and told her she was sick and then called again and told her she didnt think she could do the job.
Then my friend called me, told me this Friday, and dropped a bomb. Toxic Troll took the job. I did fill my friend in on the truth of our relationship with Toxic Troll, but I also told her I knew she really needed someone to help out, and I would never dream of telling her what to do with her business.
In my shock, I had forgotten to mention the multiple lawsuits against her previous employer, and how she blasted another friend, a local business owner, all over social media because she didnt want to drive to my friends salon to pick up a check for a cleaning job TT had done while on workmans comp leave.
And SD B/M and TT went to the job together Saturday. And Husband was the one to tell me.
I felt so betrayed. Apparently things went really well at the market. For my friend. So thats the good part, I knew she was in a tough spot and just wanted to help her, and I also knew that this would be a significant growth opportunity for Sd15 B/M, to further her advancement forward in life.
So, I did something that I know I should not have. I did something that Ive been cautioned against. I did something that didnt make me feel that much better, but it maybe made me feel a little better. A little vindicated.
Saturday night I threw caution to the wind and texted SD B/M how I felt about what happened. I balanced it with some positive, but basically let out over a years worth of pent up emotions. I really sort of let her have it. Her response was what I expected. Basically butt out, and how much harder she has life, how my life is so great, how Im being rude, and how she doesnt want to continue the conversation and she was going to block me.
I simply said "Please block me! And if you do, just remember, Im gone. Im done, no more help..." and thats how I feel and I finally let it out. And I added some other stuff too. Ive always maintained that if she has a problem or issue, talk it out with me, and that Ive always tried to back her up and support her, but I cannot have the triangulation. If I am to be considered, then include me in the conversation. She has always argued with me about this point of me not being considered.
Im not super proud of my comments about how when she has an issue with me she then runs to Daddy and activates mommy, but its still hanging out there from last year, and I cannot bury it any longer. She keeps saying how she wants to live with us full time. Well maybe she doesnt. Just maybe she will think about how she has treated me. Maybe she will appreciate my efforts. Probably not.
Of course in the middle of all this were arguments with husband. Because she wanted to get picked up, get a mothers day present she had made and get dropped off, and we were in the middle of dinner with my parents to celebrate mothers day. And I got mad. Because of Fridays fun.
My friend said it well. Be careful. No matter how close you might feel they will always go back to their bioparent and they will always hate you for whatever reason. No matter how much you help them or do, or spend, you will always be the a$$hole. Just be prepared. Close up your heart, guard your soul, do not venture out into that toxic sludge, you will drown in it.
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Comments
Darlin'... full on, 110%
Darlin'... full on, 110% disengage.
YES.
Now that I had purged, I went out (by myself) to a wonderful street fair with wonderful music and wonderful friends. And I can feel good, because at the end of my text I left it with blessings. Fly little bird, fly far and fly free, and I will not concern myself further.
Clove
Dont beat yourself up. We all have done that dance move, two steps forward one step back. But hey if you feel a bit better, then this was a GOOD thing. Only you know what feels good or not.
As for the rest. Toxic Troll is she your DH's ex? If so WTF. Hope your friend finds someone else. I know that she needed help and you have no right to tell her how to run things, but c'mon ouch on that. You really should tell your friend about law suits and TT track record with work. I would be pissed inside about that one, but thats just me. My bet TT will fish away for any dirt on you. Im hoping this is a loyal friend.
Blessings
Yeah.
Toxic Troll is BM. Supposedly she took the phone over when SD B/M was explaining how she didnt think she could do the job. She of course did all this on a friday and the job was for saturday, which is not how things should go - I told her many times to communicate with my friend. Do the right thing.
I am SERIOUSLY hoping she finds someone else, and am hoping and praying and everything else that she is aloyal friend, because I know TT will trashtalk. Its what she does.
I'm a little confused about
I'm a little confused about what happened and why you are so upset at your SD here.. (at least in this situation).
If I understand what you are saying.. you found a job that SD could do (will use SD.. because I find the other descriptions a little confusing cause they include BM.. lol). The job was at a farmer's market for a friend of yours. SD initially took the job.. but then at the last minute.. got cold feet about doing the job.. so while she was telling your friend that she didn't think she could do the job.. her MOTHER.. jumped in and said she would do the job.. and then as it turned out .. SD AND BM did the job together that saturday? (next day).
Now.. I would agree that if you take a job.. you should follow through and not let someone down. But, I can also see a young teen being nervous about doing something and wanting to back out.. and maybe her mother thought if SHE went with her.. she could give her confidence to do the job?
Or.. BM saw it as a way to earn some money. but made her daughter come to make it easier on herself.
But.. I kind of fail to see how your SD could have made her mom not take the job.. how was that a betrayal on her part?
The person I might be a bit more miffed at would be your friend because she had to know that she was hiring your stepdaughter and when your stepdaughter's MOTHER tried to take the job.. she could have told her.. ah.. thanks but no thanks.. just wanted to offer the CHILD a job as a favor.. thanks anyway. or she could have asked you in advance what you felt about hiring your DH's EX.
But she didn't.. she wanted someone to do the job so it's on her if she finds BM screws her.
maybe I'm misunderstanding what is wrong with this situation.. but I think you have a lot of pent up frustration at your SD and while much of it may be well placed.. a lot of it is due to you constantly trying to do more for your SD than her mother does.. and you get angry each and every time she shows herself to be her mother's daughter.. not yours. You find her jobs.. you do her tutoring.. manage everything for her.. and expect her to be allegiant to you because of that.. tbh.. while kids need structure.. I can't say that they always appreciate it in the moment.. so I think you are expecting a lot of gratitude from someone that may not be in a place to give it.. the person who should be giving you gratitude is your HUSBAND.. but I'm guessing he isn't doing anything.
Spot on, pretty much
I am upset over the lack of communication from SD. When she bailed, she bailed last minute, then her mother took job and then she didnt bail she went with. Because she is a friend I would expect to be kept in the loop and not shoved to the side, like I felt I was.
Sd explained herself and I told her, ok, I understand. That was Friday. Then Saturday happened, I found out not through SD, but husband that she actually did it with Toxic Troll and couldnt be bothered to communicate. I blew. Plain and simple, I blew.
My friend was desperate, it was a situation and I was actually going to go in there myself, I started with this kind of job, then Toxic Troll hi-jacked, as she ALWAYS does. Shes rude like that. And yes, my friend somehow thought we were all friendly together and though TT quite wonderful etc. I dont go around thrashing my feelings about TT. And this friend is more acquaintance.
Yes, over the past year I let my guard WAY down, and feel seriously upset. Ill get over it and move on. But keep this as a reminder to not let my guard down. Yes I DID expect some kind of appreciation. But its always a losing proposition. Maybe a part of me wanted to test the waters, to see if there was any growth.
I got hurt. Husband and I argued because me being hurt he saw as me being critical of his daughter. We talked about it and thats what it boils down to.
I can see how you would be
I can see how you would be upset that you went out of your way to help her make a connection for a job.. then she kind of drops the ball on it by trying to get out of it at the last minute.
It sounds like it all happened at the last minute.. and maybe SD didn't realize her mother was going to swoop in.. and then when she did? she didn't know how to tell YOU that.. knowing how you feel about her mom.. and then probably empowered with her mom's presence.. she went to the job anyway.. because it was easier to go "with" someone.
I think the bottom line is that you can't expect people to react to you doing nice things for them the way you think they should necessarily. I'm sure (did she).. she thanked you for the job contact when you gave it to her... after that. it was her job to take.. or decline honestly if it didn't seem like something she would be interested in doing. Of course, turning it down at the last minute wasn't ideal.. but it may not have been as seamless to loop you into that process since she was with her mother that day.
But.. yes.. this seems like a pattern of you going out of your way for people.. doing overly nice things for all of them.. your SD.. her older sister (doing her taxes etc..) and I think I remember you ahve done nice things for their Bio mom as well??? You seem to keep doing these nice things in hopes that they will like you? appreciate you? love you? see your value? But, while I don't think YSD hates you.. I don't think she sees the value of things you provide as overriding her allegiance to her parents.. ie mom.
If you want to do nice things for someone.. I would suggest yourself first line.. hahaha. But otherwise... when you do nice things for others.. you can't do it as some sort of currency for their approval or affection.. you give.. you either get back or you don't. and you can't blame them for not reacting like you want.. what you CAN do is stop going out of your way for people that aren't reciprocating in your life. It's not a "talk" you have with them.. it's not holding on to resentment.. because SHE did not ask you to do any of that for her.. and it's kind of like giving a gift with strings attached.. she didn't ask you to find her a job.. to ride her about school work.. so expecting HER to thank you is probably not realistic here.. and to resent her because you have done other nice things.. same.. you do a lot for her "voluntarily".. without her asking.. so you get disappointed repeatedly when she doesn't respond to you like you want.
Basically just out for herself
I knew there was a risk. I took it thinking that it wouldnt go this far. It went pretty far. And now what little trust I was gaining is totally lost. I never thought it would be an overriding of allegiance. I mostly thought she could keep things separate, forgetting how impossibly enmeshed they both are.
Yeah. I guess expecting to be respected and appreciated is asking a lot. And yup, she didnt ASK for me to do this. Mostly it was my friend I was trying to help out, thinking it would ALSO be good personal development. It would open the door to other activity instead of just always in the room talking on the phone.
See, you engaged, and that's
See, you engaged, and that's the issue. It will always backfire on you.
I know it's difficult, I live it with YSD16. But it always also saves me from pain, frustration, being the scapegoat. You need to back off.
BTW: My niece is doing the "I don't wanna do THAT job" dance with my sister right now; she's had a very very very difficult past year and is just now doing better - none of us are pushing her. But I have texted her some information and provided her feedback on some things - and she thanked me. And that's where I stop. And I only felt comfortable doing so because of a conversation she and I had, and then another convo I had with my sister. But this is where I stop there. Because we are NOT the parent. Even if we care and know it will be better for them to grow the eff up and learn some life skills.
The Dance
HAHA. Thats what SD was saying too. And now maybe she does want THAT job.
Easier said than done
You think you're done but as long as you are with your DH, she's a factor. Civil and polite, knowing she will always be in your life somewhere. It doesnt end, Clove, take it from me. All you can do is control how much it affects you
Thats right
Civil and polite. I tried and actually it was a success like I knew it would be. I just wish my friend had let me know PRIOR. I knew it was a risk. My friend was desperate for workers. Maybe things will change for the better because of this.
I can see how tax free cash
I can see how tax free cash wages would appeal to TT. But I can almost guarantee you TT will also skim cash from your friend. Theft is very common from these types. Buttmunch will learn it's okay to steal.
Between the trash talk and the stealing, if she notices, your friend will find the whole situation uncomfortable. TT won't want to keep doing this job, or she will fight with your friend. Hopefully your friend will be able to quickly replace TT and Buttmunch.
Remember this incident, and don't get involved again.
Lawsuits and defamation
I was more worried about this kind of thing. But who knows about that too.
And Sd is proving herself to be undependable.
Im hoping that the other person who needs work from my friends church will replace them and Sd wont really want that job, because shes too lazy.
“No good deed goes unpunished
“No good deed goes unpunished…”
Repeat to yourself “Not my circus not my Monkey.” Anytime you feel the need to reach out and help repeat that mantra. I understand where you are coming from and why are you trying, but you getting hurt in the end will never change. I spent seven+ years raising a child who never had any loyalty to me or her father and would throw us under the bus every chance she got. When I disengaged from her I knew it was for good and it hurt like hell because I cared so much about her. Over time it got easier and now she’s just my DH’s daughter.
some one else said the same thing
No good deed done by me gets unpunished. Ill repeat that mantra.
Back to less focus on Husband and his spawn and more focus on me and mine.
It's very annoying. It's kind
It's very annoying. It's kind of like when you buy someone a gift and they go share it with someone you hate. It's annoying but it's a nature of gift giving. Can't give things wuth expectations how they'll be used. It never ends well.
As annoying as it is there's nothing you can do. You got her a job, she went into it but with her mom, she probably felt worried about doing the job alone, not uncommon at 15. I really don't see a betrayal or how she must report to you that she'll have mom with her. I fail to see it. If I got DD a job and she'd take her dad with her I'd feel weird but honestly I'd have to suck it up. I'd not demand appreciation or allegiance or being informed of every step in the process. Some life annoyances we just have to live with.
She might continue doing this job with her mom or alone or quit. You don't have any control over it. When recommend people for a job we kind of take this risk. Especially if people are known to not be dependable. Or if people are lazy minors and it's their first job.
hope it blows over and becomes a non issue
YUP have to suck it up
Hope and pray that my friend listened as I cautioned her about Toxic Troll.
It will blow over because I will go on living a good life separate from this. Skid actually said shes jealous of my life. HAHA. Well all my other parts are pretty darn good, its the step part that truly is hard and horrible and sucks.
But I do appreciate your feedback on that
Having no bios, I dont have any experience in this area. And perhaps it was a knee jerk reaction.
Her mother has multiple lawsuits against previous employers. And during a workmans comp leave of absence,did side jobs cleaning and cleaned for a friend of mine. They got into a disagreement and TT thrashed her verbally and on social media. And this other friend ALSO has a local small business.
SO, thats another aspect of things.
It's your friend's
It's your friend's responsibility to do back ground check on her employees or not allowing people to work for her. I'd not worry about it. Just stop looking for jobs for these people. No need for that. There are many ways for SD to find a job. No need for you to interfere. But if you truly want to help out for goodness of your heart then let go off outcome. Don't worry if she invites BM or doesn't show up to work. Not your problem. If you truly just do it out of love and not for browny points, then have zero expectations of what SD does with your suggestions.
I have good relationship with SDs and I care for their well being but I'd never ever look for a job for them or recommend them. Not very reliable. One has criminal records erc They both work but if they didn't I'd still never look for a job for them. Don't know why you keep doing these kind of things. Grades, jobs... It doesn't help your relationship or solve anything for them. Let that go. SDs have two parents. They can deal with it.
Hey Clove wondering what happened here?
Did she (they) keep the job? One and done?
yep
They both go to work together every saturday. Shes got her own bank account and I took her to make her first atm deposit of cash. So, Im going to let it all go, and just hope that she can get another job soon.