Am I over the top on this?
Ok, so we have worked things out to where Dh will work on Toxic Trolls car "for the childs safe transport", as well as lack of stress in regards to family court threats and increased child support payments. He pays 347 monthly for SD15.5 which is on the low end and it hasnt been reviewed or increased since the first child support modification order over 4 years ago. I would rather swallow my anxiety and hatred than have her get one more penny.
He worked on her car a few days ago and didnt alert me. I get anxiety when I see that biotch in any form, especially watching DH work on her car. I drove up without any knowledge and was talking to my parents and just stayed in my car letting them know how I felt. She was in my parking spot at my home, without any warning. I didnt say anything really, because we had agreed its in our best interest. All I said was "its just a few more years and then you can tell her to eff off".
This morning, SD15.5 B/M slinks out of her room, and out the front door. At exactly 7:15 which is when her mother drops her off on the way to her new job. She slinks back in and I asked if everything is ok, she just sais "yeah". No mention of her mother dropping by unannounced.
Am I going over the top on my expectations of at least some heads up on things?
I texted DH that I need to be alerted in the future and he should tell Sd15.5 B/M that she needs to let us know also. Its courtesy. Especially given that Toxic Troll is a crazy mean POS boundary buster.
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UGHHH
Considering TT is a boundary buster and bat shit crazy hell yes you should be given the consideration of alerting you.
I totally get this. This used to happen to me. Its annoying AF.
Its BS he has to fix BM car under the guise of safety for SD 15. I mean TT should have the concern enough to make sure the car is safe without having to ask her ex husband. RIDICULOUS. Its just another avenue where the BM gets to stay relevant.
Next time you pull up and TT is parked in your spot honk that horn !
She knows
She knows that I dont like her "dropping by". She thinks its funny. Sd15.5 B/m told her this. After she pulled out I pulled right in, and she drove back up from the test drive to alert DH that the car was still doning whatever (shaking) because the part he tried to install wasnt quite fitting.
Thats the fun part. He specialises in BMW and she can only take it to dealer or to his shop that he works in. She engineered it that way thinking that she would always have that "in" when she bought the freaking car.
Its not just the safety issue, its also the fact that its more convenient to him. Otherwise on her weeks he would have to do pickups for school. She now does to/from school transport on her weeks. She wouldnt be able to grocery shop. Etc.
I wish I could honk that horn. Piss her off. Say something like get off my property...I just have to wait a few more years.
In a few years
I hope you let er rip on that nutjob.
I am from the like of if its an ex, kids or not, I wouldnt utilize my exes services. Does DH do this for free? Please tell me he doesnt, and no discount either LOL
Not free
Nope. DH does it and makes money, he was laughing about that. She pays.
You are a much better woman than Toxc Troll. She feels that because they have children together, they should always be connected. A love of the ages, not sullied by time or spouses.
Yay she pays.
At least that.
I totally feel you on this!
I totally feel you on this! Meth Mouth figured she would be allowed an open door policy in our house. Imagine her frustration when I refused to keep my doors unlocked so that she and Spawn could drop by unannounced whenever they wanted. And when she would show her bony spotty face on my doorstep I wouldn't answer the door. She would literally call DH and scream at him that I need to answer the door.
Outdoor cameras could help give you some insight and alleviate your anxiety. That way you can see if BM has come to your house or driven by or what not.
Summertime
When SD15.5 B/M has the summer off, and will be at home alone. I dont know what Toxic Trolls schedule will be - she works for the school districtbut for a "private company".
Cameras for security will be installed.
Get cameras. If we didn't
Get cameras. If we didn't have cameras we would have no idea BM entered our home that time in nov 2020. No idea what happened in previous times with BM since court 4 years ago.. or even when things "were cool."
You know how I feel about the car thing but, TT should not be going to your house unannounced and your husband should be telling you every single time he plans on having her car at YOUR home.
Hahaha
The door is closed, locked and deadbolted biotxh!
If she somehow found her way in still she would find me running around naked to the door and when she tried to ce in I would shove her out the door yelling" NOT IN MAH HOUSE"( like the guy in that commercial) while locking the door.
When she complained to DH that it was crazy I would explain that she walked into the bathroom as I was getting out of the shower. If she's present while she calls me crazy then I would say that clearly he likes them that way while staring her down.
Do you and your DH honestly think
she would go back to court and/or go through with trying to get child support raised? It sounds like she has threatened court and child support increase for years, but has never gone through with it. From what I have read of your blogs it sounds like TT is lazy and just uses these threats to get her way. I understand not wanting to pay more in child support, but instead you rather have her at your home regardless of it is outside of it for hours watching your DH work on her car while she watches? For me that would be a hell no, I would rather risk her possibly filing than threaten me and my DH to get her way under the guise of "for the child." IMHO.
As for wanting a heads up of when she is coming, you are not over the top for wanting to know. It is your home too and I would be livid if I was coming home to BM at my home without being told ahead or her showing up when I am home and not knowing.
I feel
I feel like no one has basic regard for my feelings. SD15.5 KNOWS all the things that have gone on. She has more worry and regard for an ant on the sidewalk than she does for me, it feels. I tried not to be livid until later, when I exclaimed "I was having a difficult day and then have to come home to that effing biotch parked in my spot at my home with my husband right there". Now I just feel worse - that they hide things and dont tell me and dont have consideration. I am going to bring it up at the right time, I think.
Or not. I could do the passive agressive thing and just not engage with anyone this weekend, but thats not my style. Although I doubt Sd15.5 would notice because every and all weekend she just stays in her room on the phone or whatever watching videos until she gets hungry and pops her head out.
Your SD has two great examples
of people who have no regard for other people's feelings, TT and FF, so it is not surprising especially when she is a teenager too to have no regard for your feelings and do whatever she wants.
Unfortunately, I think other people have said it before on here that your DH is to blame. Regardless of SD having bad examples of appropriate behavior from TT and FF, your DH allows SD to basically do whatever she wants and not holding her accountable for the way she treats other people, especially you. I could be wrong, but that is the impression I get and especially from what you have posted here, your DH is not considerate of your feelings either. I know you and your DH agreed on this rather than risk increase in child support or court, but like I said there is no way that would be something I support or agree to.
Working on things
We have been working on things. our relationship has improved dramatically.
But I made the point that it is about consideration. These people are boneheads where it comes to consideration. SD15.5 is not entirely a bonehead, but is obviously loyal to Toxic Troll with no consideration to my feelings in that direction.
Ive always hated their "arrangement" but they had this in place during their divorce which is why child support was not happening at that time. It wasnt until after we married, she filed a child support modification order yet somehow the car b aspet stayed the same.
I agreed to it but dont support it if that makes sense. it has caused many arguments over time, and I hate arguing over her.
Agreed ... Her lazy ass ain't going nowhere
She's not going to file anything.
Oohh..
I think you should find another BMW dealer and get a card. Then leave it in the car when she's in your driveway( see how she likes it when you hop in the car an offer to drive it around the block for a test drive. Make sure nothing is wrong with it while you glue that other card to the dash. lol you were just being nice. See DH? YOU can be nice too!).
Crazy BM awaken my inner asshole.
LOL
Yah, or tape it to child support check
Not over the top at all
Heck to the NO!
DH is NOT working on anybody's car especially POS (lol I put PAS and it autocorrected) BM!!!
The criteria is: IF NOT working on your own car or his wife's car then not working on BM s car. He can go pick up his daughter until BM car gets fixed.
You wouldn't work on your ex's car if there was no kid. Once two ppl are broken up/ divorced they are responsible for their own transport/ shelter/expenses. You can always find a solution for the daughter's safety that does not include BMs welfare as a byproduct.(:such as going to get her. I relish BM face when she sees you in her effin driveway in your brand new car lol. I would rent /borrow a car just to do this) 3500 per year not enough to fix a car?...
Coming home to see BM in the driveway would incite a question as I walked into my own house. Then it would incite a boundary enforcement on DH( whatever form that might take).
THE SD popping in and out not such a big deal. Children forget things etc. Her being on the driveway after dropping SD off- meh kinda ok sorta like a cab.
BUT DH - he's an adult he should know better.
So now whenever she wants something she will threaten and he will jump.
In my state once a decision is reached about visitation and child support ( I think about CS too ) the party who filed has to wait 3 years before they file a modification again.and then they have to pay if they want to file.
LONG NOTE: my DH was the same way until he realized after THREE YEARS that he had legal recourse. Every time she would get pregnant with someone else's kid( 4 kids including SS. ) she would take dh to court for more child support and wouldn't stop the threats and the batshit crazy tactics. After the second kid was born HE PAID paid to go to court and iron out some details in the visitation the next time she got pregnant and threatened to take him to court I told him" let her go, file and pay the 450+ dollars. Let her walk her Stoopid drunk ass to court( no car uhuh) and shell out the cash as many times as she wants. Then have to actually show up only to get $10 more per month for the child support. While we sit there and watch entertained. I also pointed out that DH gets paid days off so no loss there. He listened and we watched the child support go DOWN because he had just finished paying a bunch of $$ for health and back child support for SS. Now she can't file anything again until he's 18.
Kicker
He JUST worked on my car. So I cant use that one. Darn
SD is with us this week - she gets dropped off like a cab on BM weeks.
If she gets mad enough, and thinks she can get more $ she will take the day off. Shes filed lots of things: ex parte, child support mod order, restraining orders. She likes that drama.
Im stuck. If I make it a "thing" Im the bad guy. If I dont I feel disrespected.
Ooohhhh....that effin sucks!!!
She pays so your DH plly thinks of it as a business transaction and sees the benefits to his daughter as extras.
That's a problem since BM knows that!
If only there was a way to get rid of that car. Or insist that SD get a driver license and when she has her own car he will not work on BM car anymore. He can work on SD car now but at least you will not see BM anymore. ( That can happen in at least 6 mo's....)
Seems like the only recourse you have is telling him to call you if he will be working on her car.
When disregarded on behalf of the BM( the only advantage with two BM is the comparison in behavior of DH. he only does the bullsh... With BM1 and then I can be as bad as I wantbc it is a fact he gives her pref treatment) were the only times I brought up divorce. Even over $20 even over her calling instead of texting EVERYTIME he tells me something and then turns around and does something else bc BM yells louder he gets to learn some lessons. Yup not afraid to be the bad guy. If you prefer BM then go live with her. That ish ain't happening in my house.Hes finally getting it after 5 ys of marriage. I've even caught him hanging up on her when she got fresh.
YES!
I just thought of that too. If Sd15.5 has her license and a car - which will happen in a few years. Ill be happy with just a simple heads up.
Super annoying
I don't like unannounced visits by anyone so it would be really aggravating if it was the ex-spouse. You're not being over the top. I like the idea of cameras but still both DH and/or B/M should give you reasonable notice if TT will be there.
Yes.
Me neither. It happens occasionally, but they are people I generally LIKE. But someone who hates me and I despise, whos been mean, and rude, and told lies and trsh-talked about me - no thank you.
As a matter of principle, I
As a matter of principle, I think your DH is a dumba$$.
As a fact of reality, I get why he does it. I get why, and agree with why, it bothers you. There is someone else acting "wifely" with your DH, and your DH can't even give you the courtesy of a heads up. If you're like me, seeing anything BM-related immediately sends 450,000 possible worst case scenarios through your head about why she could possibly be there, and most of the time, at least one of those scenarios is correct. Now your mood is sour, your brain is on overdrive, and your SO is preoccupied with whatever BM has drummed up so you are left alone to deal with it.
Sure, you've avoided her epic meltdown by complying, but because you're a bigger person, you have to self-soothe your own feelings that were damaged by someone else. There is going to be drama either way, and that just makes the situation all the worse.
No advice, only empathy. It's a crap position to be in unless you're willing to leave.
Spot on
Added to the fact that I mucked around in the cesspool and found out that Sd15.5 told her about the fact that I dont like her being on my turf, its my sanctuary, and she thinks its funny. Added to the fact that she bought aa BMW specifically so she can take advantage of her "advantage". Ive already untangled the ball of yarn about her agendas.
My mood was sour driving up, and then seeing that. And then his BFF comes over for an hour. Just all kinds of effed up.
If he just must fix her car,
If he just must fix her car, I'd insist it has to be done in his shop. Not at your house. Why is it not taking place in auto shop he works at?
personally I'd rather pay extra than let BM be a part of our lives. We paid BM almost 1k a month of spousal support. It is what it is. That's what judge felt was fair. It's just money. I'd rather do that than have her hanging out on my property
I am sure he'll continue these shenanigans about her car after SD ages out. He knows and we know that BM will not be filing for increase of CS with just two years left. I'd be quite offended at the whole thing because it would feel that he'd rather upset me than his ex. Like ex wife is more important or something (mother of his children blah blah blah)
I also wonder since she actually pays him and he is not doing it for free, then why isn't it done in the shop? It sounds that perhaps this arrangement of her paying him cash benefits them both, not just her. Unless of course he does it for free and tells you otherwise. Bottom line they two have an arrangement that benefits them both. There's no consideration for anyone else.
It sounds that maybe your relationship is improving because you now speak up even less than before, to keep the peace.
Answers
Ease and swiiftness. The schedule at his shop, because they are specialised in BMW Mini coopers, is booked. So she gets in there when she does kiddo drop off fo school transport. Its on the way to her job. Thats why at our house.
Yes, they both beneft. He charges parts plus some labor and markup. He figures this way he can recoup some of that money. And not have to do so much transport as she now does kiddo pickup from school to her apartment. She gets a lower cost, like by at least half. BMWs are picky and expensive.
I'd much rather have her at the house
I like to keep an eye on stuff and mess with them. I would be more uncomfortable knowing that she " visits" him at work where I can't see what goes on.
Both DH and exbit** would feel me watching from inside the house. if I was feeling fresh I would be nice to her and bring them lemonade and hang out, pop a squat make conversation on the weather, make conversation about what your man said was wrong with her car( lol he tells you everything ). Make it REALLY uncomfortable for BM to do or say anything ya know. If she complains to DH just say you were feeling good that day and wanted to be nice. stay until she squirms enough to your liking then give DH a big kiss and long hug and drive away telling them you are doing some fun frivolity for yourself. ( Nails hair coffee with a friend).
that would have worked
abut 5 years ago, before our marriage, lol. We are largely no contact. All I get from her is the backlash she gives DH about me, and stuff I hear from folks in my community.
Given the situation, you are not over the top. However,
Given the situation, you are not over the top. However, the situation is ridiculous and should not be happening. I have always thought repairing the car in leiu of higher child support was nothing but a way for BM to retain some sort of control over your DH. She still retains the power to threaten court, and your DH is weak enough that the threat works. Also, her cars seem to require a great deal of work!
If DH won't stop this nonsense, then the least he can do is only work on her car at the shop duringn normal business hours. The next time you come home and her car is in your spot - just keep on driving to the nicest hotel in town and spend the night on DH's dime.
Toxic Troll
its just convenience and ease of kid transport. I keep telling myself "be the better person...its only a few more years...its not much...she pays a markup amount..."
still have anxiety and still get pi$$ed.