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CLove's picture

Toxic Troll BM went to parent-teacher conference. Met with principal. I stayed out of everything, and told Husband "Im happy to be a sounding board, but I am staying out of everything. If you offer info because you want to talk about it, I wont ask anymore questions."

The upshot is" SD16 SMPS will go to Saturday school 'Until Absences are Made Up'. Ok, sounds good I will not track this nor will I provide transport.

Also, SD16 SMPS will also work one-on-one with math teacher. Its Geometry, and she gets the answers but wont show the steps...the proofs...which is why the F. Also she needs to step up and attend the class thats sphomore history, just because shes been enrolled in it - who knows why it wasnt changed 2 months ago. Who cares. Again, sounds good, Im still listening and am still staying out of all that, I will not monitor or check in to make certain homework is done daily, wont concern myself with absences or well anything...

Husband states "I would be happy if you could just pass me the info like youve been doing, but I am really putting all this on Toxic Troll and SD16 SMPS. All these years with both kids Ive been doing everything, now its on them and them alone. If she cant do what she needs to do, at the end of the semester, Ill take her smartphone and give her the (insert eyeroll) "ghetro" phone with no texting only phone calls, all super basic". Im remembering advice given here thinking, Ill set you up so you can ignore it...or just pass it on without comments.

Ok, (yawn) sounds good, now what are we watching tonight? I really just dont care...



NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

disengaging from the situation and that is awesome! 

Question in your DH's statement was he saying he has been doing everything or he is saying you have done everything? It sounds like he is taking credit for all the hard work you had put in with BM to try and get her grades up, doing all the tracking, etc.... I really hope that is not the case!

JRI's picture

When I disengaged from YSS, DH had to step up more.  I didn't always agree with how he was handling things.  We always believe our way is best.  But, he was effective enough and most importantly, it was coming from YSS's dad and YSS had to listen more since DH was, well, that's just how he is.  I think now YSS wanted more of DH's attention and DH was in a very busy work period and we had 4 other kids here vying for attention.

But my point is, various types of parenting can work well enough and tho we SMs might have better ideas, our DHs can handle it well enough.  Or not but, either way, it's their kid.

advice.only2's picture

"All these years with both kids I've been doing everything, now it’s on them and them alone."

Woah woah woah, hold up there DH, all these years Clove HAS BEEN DOING EVERYTHING!  You have done shite!   Nice of him to graciously step out when he was never even in.

Kuddos though on keeping out of it and NO do no pass on the information to him.

CLove's picture

I think hes referencing the 16 years prior with SD23 Feral Forger...but yeah, HE did it all...yah, ok, sure...

Stepdrama2020's picture

Ok bud and you did such an excellent job.   SMH

Keep disengaged and eat popcorn from the sidelines. 

MissK03's picture

"I'm putting this all on TT and SD." There he goes again not taking any responsibility for FF and now SD. 

He just proved in that statement that he is a lazy father and doesn't want to parent. 

Clove... how does that make you feel? He just took "credit" for not doing anything and his kids failing basically. I would seriously start losing respect for this guy as a man. 

Livingoutloud's picture

Good for you. Good job!!!! Do not pass any info on anyone. SD has parents. Not your job. Don't even tell him you still doing it. Just quietly quit so to speak

How funny he was supposedly doing it all alone (hahaha he was doing nothing, wouldn't ever check her grades or help with homework or teach her anything) and now since you aren't doing it anymore he's now passing it in TT and SD. Agsin he is off the hook. Passing the buck. Probably planning fishing on Saturday. He sucks on so many levels. If he isn't busy with parenting then he should get a second job. His wife can't afford a vacation or even a basic ticket to Renessaince Fest.  And he doesn't even blink. He doesn't care about anything or anybody but his BFF and fishing and probably booze. Ugh ugh how do you stand him 


Exjuliemccoy's picture

"...but I am really putting all this on Toxic Troll and SD16 SMPS. All these years with both kids Ive been doing everything, now its on them and them alone." He's delusional, but hey, saying that makes him feel better, so ...

CLove, I can't emphasize enough that you need to save as much money as possible in preparation for what's coming. It's pretty formulaic.

These next years are when the results of SMPS's crappy parenting will really start to show. She lacks the preparation and life skills to cope. Pressure increases on teens between 16-18 as they're prepped for adulting, then the stage between 18-21 puts even more pressure on them. SMPS is already not meeting milestones; she's going to fall behind her peers and struggle more and more as she ages. There's no way SMPS will go away to college, either. She lacks the self discipline, the study skills, and certainly the grades.

This is a dysfunctional step story as old as time: SMPS is going to want a soft place to fall. Once c.s. ends and given her trash mother's housing insecurity, Daddee's house is it. Once she's in, the strife will increase as she resists adulting, your H avoids parenting, and you get more resentful. Knowing you're the bad cop, SMPS will attempt to triangulate, putting further strain on your marriage. Toss in mental illness and possibly pregnancy, and you're in for one hell of a ride these next years. And you know you can't count on your H to do right by you.

None of these people have done the work to break the cycle or change the dysfunctional family system. TT, those SDs, and your H have the potential to hurt a lot of good people who come into their respective spheres. Collateral damage is real in steplife. So please be smart, prioritize yourself and prepare for what's coming.

StepUltimate's picture

I'm sorry, CLove. 

CajunMom's picture

Sure, he'd love you to get info to him. Nope. Disengaged people do NOT help concerning the people they are disengaged from. Personally, I would not have even offered to be a sounding board. Who listened to you all these years????? 

Be prepared for some push back from your DH. It's going to get tough for him...and he's going to try to bring you back into the mix. Nope. Nope. Nope. 

Remember....the less words when he is "venting" to you, the better. Statements like, "I'm sorry that's happening," "I hope things get better," etc. Show empathy but don't get involved. 

Crr18's picture

Keep up the good work no matter how hard it is not to try to help.  I know it is easier said then done.

ndc's picture

Your husband is pretty delusional, isn't he?  He thinks HE'S been doing something all these years?  And he wants you to continue passing him the information.  Bwahahahaha!  He is perfectly capable of getting the information himself.  You don't need to do it for him, and you shouldn't.  If he wants to tell himself he's actually done some parenting over the years, I guess he can do that.  You know better.  Just stay out of it.  You're doing great.

lieutenant_dad's picture

CLove, I really and truly hope that you realize that your DH set you free and gave you a gold pass to fully disengage.

He told you two things: this is TT and SD's problem to sort out, and he has been doing it all for years.

Well, if it's someone else's responsiblity now AND it was always his responsibility before, then your services are no longer needed. He had it handled and now he is passing that handling to TT and SD.

For the love of all that is good and holy, DO NOT HELP HIM ANYMORE.

He asks about how to access the online portal? "I dunno sweetie, try calling the school to find out."

He gets mail from the school? "Here is your portion of the mail, dear."

He gets drunk and can't pick up SD from Saturday school, or goes out fishing instead? "Oooo, so sorry DH, I'm not available."

He starts complaining about SD's attitude/grade/anything? "That's rough buddy."

Your value as a spouse and family member isn't tied to how much you help them. You can still be a good wife and a civil in-law to SD without helping them figure out this mess. Want to be a good wife? Make a pie because you know DH likes pie. But don't bail him out of this.

halo1998's picture

*hand on the head*...I DOOOOO EVERRRRYYYTHHINGGGG...statement.  I rolled my eyes when I read that one.

Ok..the is your pass to further bow out.  You DH can open his own mail....find out how to get online ,etc...all by his lonesome. After all he does it ALLLLLLLL....

Next time he asks you about info..."I don't know DH...I'm sure you will figure it out."

What the saying...De Nile is not just a river in Egypt.