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Good News!

CLove's picture

No catchy subject line, just plain ole good news to report, fellow steptalkers.

Husband is stepping up. Toxic Troll is stepping back. SD16 has been ditching one class in particular. Has not been doing her school work.

Husband  called the principal. Talked. Spoke with counselor. Was referred to a teacher, they spoke too. Husband got the nitty gritty details of things, even wrote them down. Took a phone pic, texted SD16 SMPS, told her she will get these items done or phone taken away. Saturday school every weekend to clear absences (why not last weekend, oh wait, party!). She was with Toxic Troll as its her week, and shes able to do child transport herself lately.

Husband texted same things to Toxic Troll. BOTH texted back "ok" to his edicts.

We had a conversation whereby we revisted how Freshman year 2020 went. The steps I took (identical), the blowup that ensued when after several weeks of my efforts (zoom meetings, excel spreadsheet of all classes with missing assignments, purchased art supplies, money spent on rewards - new bed! art workshop!) I saw the decrease in efforts and said I would take phone...

Hes stepping up. I was very supportive. He was calm. Lets see if things improve (50/50 chance). I know for sure that I wont be involved. I also know that Toxic Troll wont threaten full custody again. 


NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

I think all of us on here love getting good news especially on here for a change! 

Well it sounds like he is stepping up which is great, let's hope he sticks to it! The hardest part is SD is not with you all the time and spends half her time with TT so even if SD does it on your weeks, but then spirals and doesn't do it on TT weeks, it hurts all the good your DH is doing. SD is 16, she can impliment the changes herself while at her mom's, but if she doesn't want to then all of his work basically goes down the drain.

I am glad you are not getting involved, stay disengaged! I would be curious what would motivate SD to keep it up at her mother's? Perhaps being told if she doesn't graduate on time and have a solid plan for after graduation then she can live at TT's 100% because he won't support someone who won't help themselves?

CLove's picture

Yep. From my impression, because she was able to pick her own classes and didnt take sophomore history, the counselor had her in sophomore history. And thats one of the classes shes not doing the work in. And Husband did emphasize with her and Toxic Troll that she is currently on the path to not graduating.

Maybe her inner pride of being better than Feral Forger her sister will take over. Maybe Toxic Troll is also recalling Freshman year 2020, and how much of a fuss she put up when kid was failing and I stepped in. And how kid insisted she could take care of it herself.

Hes mentioned that to me, that if shes going to not graduate, she can figure out her life on her own in a different home.

Especially because her room is a pigsty. He even said "having her own room is a priviledge she doesnt have with her mom, but if she chooses to fail at school, I cant support her..."

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Let's hope that your DH sticks to feeling that way if she doesn't graduate and if he hasn't he needs to have that conversation with her. She is 16 so she does have time to turn it around, it's not like it is the third semester of senior year, BUT she does have a lot of work to do and she needs to be consistent with the changes and work or she isn't going to be successful in her adult life. If she doesn't realize it her adult life is a lot longer than life being a child and I doubt at 18 she wants to be stuck all the time at Toxic Troll's without her own room.

CLove's picture

Im hoping she doesnt follow the blueprint of her sister Feral Forger SD23, who refused to get her license and who barely graduated high school, and who was happy crashing on the couch and going off with her friends that do drive and do have jobs, being content to be a parasitic mooch.

CajunMom's picture

As stated above, I hope your DH continues with his necessary involvement for HIS kid. You continue to stay out of it...the recap of what you did in the past is great advice for your DH....but again, stay as far away as possible. Don't let him pull you back into the triangle. 

While your DH cannot control what goes on at TT's, he CAN controls what goes on in your home based on her lack of school work done at BMs. Your rules, your home. If she messes up bad at BMs, her consequences will be the catch up time at your house. Bad grades? No phone at your house. Missed school days? Saturday makeups at your house. 

Again...this is all on your DH to dictate and advise his kid. You just smile and go about your business. They will both get to see the consequences of their crappy treatment of you....not lifing a finger or saying a word to help out. A smile and a "hope things get better" is about the most I'd give them.

CLove's picture

He told her if she doesnt do her work at BMs then he instructed her to take the phone there too.

Yes, I hope he follows through on all this, and I will happily stay far far away. Nod, make hmmmm noises, and walk away. I have to keep from asking questions. Keep from asking if things have improved.

bananaseedo's picture

Oh  my, what a relief it is when they do their job, huh!!  Happy for your sake and SD's- about time!!! 

CLove's picture

That there is a bit of "I told you so" that is giving the incentive too. The whole drama from Freshman year Schoolgate 2020, that forshadowed things. Its in my mind. Its almost an exact repeat of what happened. Its almost disturbing to me.

I flip flop between being happy that hes doing this, and resentful of what I did and went through. And I have to act like it doesnt affect me. Im just glad I have this forum to express this.

Ispofacto's picture

Remind me, who pays for her phone?

IMO, she is addicted to it and if DH pays for it, he should brick it now.


CLove's picture

Then about a year ago, or so, he switched accounts and now he pays for it all. I agree. I heard her on the phone ALL FREAKING DAY on Sunday. At least 10 plus hours. Turn the service off and only have texting. 

CLove's picture

I see it more as in, we have had conflict over this, and he is wanting to let me know that he understands what I went through and appreciates it...

Dance of intimacy...

Exjuliemccoy's picture

This IS good news! Isn't it nice to see them step up and actually parent?!

The thing with teens is, one day they're thirty, the next they're eleven. Sixteen year olds still need guidance, encouragment, and a lot of oversight. If your H handles this right, it could be a teachable moment, and SMPS might even thrive with the added attention and (hopefully) sense of accomplishment from turning things around. 

HOWEVER, (and I'm sorry to be a downer) odds are everyone will revert to their old patterns. You need to be prepared for this possibility, accept that you have no control, and keep playing the long game.

CLove's picture

kinda bad. Like I feel even more unappreciated. I know I need to look at the big picture, but as you mentioned, I know how it will PROBABLY play out - she'll do ok, as the net result, but at first things will be "tight" for maybe a week or two then revert to the patterns, he'll get mad, frustrated or "give up", because he doesnt have the "parenting I want to fight for my kid spark", or something else will come up (lupus imaginaria, she just had her "testing" done) and things will revert.

Hope for the absolute best and expect the worser...

CLove's picture

1. Got all credentials to online classroom so I could tabulate the missing assignments for ALL classes. Husband has that for ONE class. A math class. 

2. Zzzzoom meeting with 2 teachers, during scheduled time at work. Husband was on the phone for 30 mins, with principal, then councelor then teacher. During his work.

3. Worked with kid weekly. Made a prioritised spreadsheet of missing assignments. 

4. Bought art supplies ($50) and rewards for doing assignments and bringing up grades ($300 canopy bedframe she chose along with bedding, art workshop with a friend in the redwoods $50 pp).

All this to get crapped on. Accusations. Threats. Told Im a monster.

Meanwhile, Kid gets to go to parties, talk on phone for hours, in her trashed room that I help pay for.

JRI's picture

Clove, in your mind, you are keeping track of all you've done and unconsciously looking for appreciation or recognition from someone, anyone, DH, SD, anybody.  I would try to let it go, for your own sake.  Even mature teenagers seldom acknowledge what is done for them, much less the immature ones.  I know I certainly didnt, at that age.

Just look at it as a good deed you did.  You put some positive energy in the universe.  If it's any consolation, teens seldom show appreciation to their bio parents, either.  Mine didnt.

CLove's picture

Ive had to sweep it all under the rug.

"How long do I continue supporting a deadbeat skid" is the oft asked question. As Husband is going through his career shift, the pressure will be on for her to not continue being such a deadbeat. We have done all we can, its her time to step up and start movement on her own. And as folks here have said, she will need to face her own music of her own making soon enough.

Harry's picture

BSSD 16 is on the path of TT and BM.  They all will be sitting at BM house fighting each other to do something.  Who going to cook, ..clean..earn money..l   All  be on welfare looking for a meal ticket or a BF who works 

CLove's picture

Snotty Mc Poouter Suck, shes had a great weekend, while I sit home because no money. So tired of the bullcripe.

And shes "uncomfortable" - well good!

caninelover's picture

That H is dealing with it.  Had he supported you freshman year, things wouldn't have gotten to this point.  But not your circus, not your failing monkey.

CLove's picture

And now Im sitting here going "have at it!" A few weeks ago, when picking her up, I offered to take her to saturday school, and she was snotty. Well, good, I really want them to suffer now. No more offers to take her. She decided to ditch. Her parents gave no repercussions. They can suffer. She can suffer. Im almost ready to bag up her disgusting room. Shes "uncomfortable", because she cant leave her chit all over the house? Good. 

Ispofacto's picture

I'd be "uncomfortable" knowing my housekey was floating around who-knows-where.  Rekey the locks and have DH pay for it.  Buttmunch can pay him back with chores.


CLove's picture

She let herself in. Went to room. Supposedly put on cabinet in weird place, but still our house.

My big deal is not the house key,  but her room is digusting, and her paper mache glue is right there on the carpet...solid. Its old carpet, that we are planning on taking out anyway, but still, she has no job, does no chores, has an attitude and is failing classes and ditching.

Why do I need to support this?

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Stay angry, CLove. Use it as fuel for positive change. The attempts at manipulation will continue, so be prepared and make sure that if anyone is to be uncomfortable, it isn't you.

CLove's picture

because I need husband on board and he has a REALLY short fuse.

The more Ive been thinking of what was said about "being uncomfortable", the more Im seeing the BS. Its deflecting the fact that she does NOTHING, and now the school is involved and the spotlight is on.

I think husband is realizing its BS also. And you know what? The chickens will come home to roost, and Ill be out there hiking or whatever, living my best life, while they try to figure things out. Her room reminds me of what I had to look at with Feral Forgers. It started around 16 too. So Im thinking Ill just keep leaving the door open so he can LOOK at it and SEE it. I am NOT the problem.

Ispofacto's picture

My DD "lost" our housekey at that age, turns out she'd given it to her boyfriend.  I caught him walking around our house when I came out of my bedroom in panties on a day home sick from work.


CLove's picture

EWE. I dont see that happening, but I just wonder what the heck.