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Scary Halloween at home aka "the key to my heart is missing"

CLove's picture

So, this past weekend was a myriad of things. Firstly last week, SD16 SMPS approached Husband and wanted to do "chores" so she could "earn money" for her Halloween weekend. She needed ca$h for a costume and friends bday party. We stayed home mostly because funds are low.

She washed a few dishes a few evenings during the week. 3 times.

We went to a party Saturday night, at last minute. She was out at the time, so Husband left a housekey for her hidden in the special place. She used it to get in then claims she put it on a cabinet in the main living room. (WTF? It was an odd place...) She was very specific.

Husband went fishing Sunday early and asked for his key. She didnt remember where she had it. Her room being a total utter pigsty probably had something to do with it. Listening to Husband getting irate at 5 am, got me irate also. And seeing as I had a procedure scheduled at the dentist I was trying to rest up and not get any kind of illness (SD16 had a cold all week...and still went to school snotty and sneezing and still went to party and out to the mall with friends...) All I said was "he SD16 SMPS, you really need to find the house key!"

Seriously I totally have been walking on eggshells, because I have seen how things play out with these people and I refuse to be the scapegoat.

No key turned up. She found "a key", and it didnt work. Luckily I was home all day. SD16 spent all day in her room, laughing and talking with her friends. The only times she came out was to quickly look for key, explain she was in trouble in a very tremulous voice that sounded on the verge of tears. Then when hungry made a big plate of eggs, bacon and toast.

Last night, when talking, Husband related that the drive to school was a cryfest.  Because she was "in trouble" about losing 2 housekeys. He exclaims he is "done with her". Im like what does that mean? He sais "she tells me Im always mad at her, which Im not. I try to encourage and allow her to do things with friends. Oh and she sais that she doesnt come out of her room because of You, Clove, shes 'uncomfortable' around you because you get mad at her for leaving her stuff out. This just isnt working!"

WHAAAAAAAA. Because she cant pin anything specific on me, shes "uncomfortable". Folks, 16 seems to be the magic number. This is where the dysfunction starts to really heat up and express itself. This discussion took place last night, and really scared me, because its what you all have told me would happen. You told me that she would start to act out to be just like her sister. Her room is super disgusting - you can only walk along a narrow path to bed and lizard cage. It looks exactly like Feral Forgers used to.

Well, I informed husband that SD16 is doing what she always does - if shes in trouble, she reverts to blaming ME. Also, hey, your not always mad at her, shes always in her room. You parented her by expressing yourself over her bad grades and absenses and now the irresponsible loss of house key. She probably made up the story about where she left it. She was too specific. And heck its not where she said she put it. A ghost got it then? I told him "heck I bet she was this close to saying I took the key, and forgot where I put it, because I had been drinking wine...but guess what I wasnt drinking, so she couldnt blame me! "

FWIW - SD16 Snotty McPoutersulk also confided to me that she stays in her room because His BFF The Barnacle is always there in the garage with him and "it makes her uncomfortable".

The Blame Games Pro-ball begin folks.


notarelative's picture

 Oh and she sais that she doesnt come out of her room because of You, Clove, shes 'uncomfortable' around you because you get mad at her for leaving her stuff out. This just isnt working!"

It isn't working. OK, I'll have my lawyer contact you.

DH needs to pull his head out of wherever it is stuffed. Not allowing the rest of you house to be the sty her room is is a normal expectation. What's not working is his expectation that you deal.with his child so he does not have to.

CLove's picture

Was when I told him "shes just another housemat to me, shes not my child, so I expect common areas to be kept clear. Its cluttery and Im trying to declutter. I can create a space on the table over THERE, not where we eat, so she has a place to keep her binders etc..."

He got really upset. "shes your child! Shes your STEPCHILD!"

To which I responded "what part of the parenting am I actually responsible for???? How exactly is she MY child?"

It got very heated very fast. Because my hurt came out when I told him "I TRIED treating her like she was my kid and she SH!T all over it".

Cover1W's picture

Yeah, DH tried this with me in the past too. To which I consistently responded, "What parental status do I have? You don't let me do anything like a parent would and neither do the girls!"  Then I'm out.

mapap's picture

OH my this sounds like my house! How are you feeling about all of this? What does your DH mean by it's not working? Does that mean he doesn't want to be with you? And if you leave, it will be a disaster, just like my house will.

CLove's picture

all I know is we cannot ever discuss anything to do with Skids, because it brings up both our PTSD. PTSSKIDs.

Im feeling ok, because I de escalated things and we ended up ok...but it was sketchy for a while. He might be seeing reason after I calmly explained things.

Also, shes been real spacy lately...

lieutenant_dad's picture

I think there are a few ways to approach this, and one of them is to stop walking on egg shells.

Next time she and DH are there together, call her out on her lie.

"SD, cut the crap. You tell your Dad you're uncomfortable because of his friend then tell him it's because of me. Either tell us the truth or stop blaming other people."

Then about her room:

"And I'm done with you trashing a room I help pay for. You have this weekend to get it into shape or I start bagging everything and putting it in the garage."

And when DH pipes up:

"You have two options here: either get your head out of your arse and start being the parent she needs and the partner I need or tell me you want a divorce. You get ONE chance to make a choice here. I'm tired of being scapegoated. I'm tired of you both being in prissy moods. I'm tired of the chaos. You're an adult. Get your ish together."

And finally:

"Also DH, all because SD cries doesn't mean that you should back off. She either feels remorseful OR she uses her tears to manipulate you. You can handle crying by giving her time to compose herself but you can't just not address things because she cries."

Just lay it all out once, and only once, and let it fall where it may. Egg shell walking mixed with disengagement isn't working. Time to just rip off the bandaid THEN stay disengaged.

CLove's picture

I thought of doing that, actually. Having a "house meeting" about things to sort break the tension. But that doesnt seem to solve anything because all she does is pout or walk away. Ive tried discoursing (with husband present) and it just breaks down, because of his short fuse.

ANd to make things murkier, she told ME that barnacle "made her uncomfortable". So if he calls her out she will deny deny deny and then hes "put on the spot" to pick who to believe.

But yes, I really need to rip that bandaid off...if he wants a big D then hes going to lose out...but hes all talk.

I did tell him that I will not accept blame for things I did not do, and that he should not accept blame for parenting his child.

lieutenant_dad's picture

So put him on the spot! And if he doesn't back you, put him in the dog house.

And if SD pouts, tell her she is allowed to feel what she wants, but it doesn't change that the conversation needs to happen and it's going to happen. She can go to her room, but as soon as she comes out, you'll pick up where you left off. Or youll pick it up in the car.

And PLEASE let TT go for full custody. Then SD can stay with TT and FF in squalor for 80% of her life. But let's be real - TT won't go for full custody. The woman won't even get the oil changed in her own car. She can't keep a roof over her head. She doesn't want SD in her home anymore than she has her now. And SD doesn't want her mom to have full custody and will fight back on it.

Worst case scenario, your DH asks for a divorce. If he does that, know that all you've been doing is hurting yourself to save a marriage he didn't value beyond your ability to lie to him and make him comfortable.

Cover1W's picture

"Also DH, all because SD cries doesn't mean that you should back off. She either feels remorseful OR she uses her tears to manipulate you. You can handle crying by giving her time to compose herself but you can't just not address things because she cries."

I have said this to DH before about YSD - she pulls out the weepy tears whenever she's challenged, doesn't want to do something or be invoilved. DH used to give up as soon as tears started - but after I suggested to him several times that it's manipulation OR her own frustration, NOT because he's being mean, that he now pushes conversations through them.  Apparently BM was just like this!  DH said they couldn't have a serious discussion or BM would start crying and leave the room.

halo1998's picture

your not doing the heavy lifting like you were before.  He has to step and he doesn't like it.  As my therapist says...nope you don't get say that without clarification. What's not working exactly?  

For your DH...I expect my common areas to be clutter free...PERIOD.  I don't care if your DH, my DD and/or DS or SD.  I don't want to see your crap all over my house.  You have a room and your things have a place..GO FIND IT.  This ain't a ....CLOVE against SD..its a common curteousy thing.

CLove's picture

yeah. My husband and I argued about Skid not being "comfortable" because she cant leave her binders and computer on the table we eat on. And when I suggested making a space at a different table, where she COULD leave her stuff, no reply. So he knows its all BS.

I think the whole "I prefer staying in my room thing" is because she uses her phone excessively to the detriment of her schoolwork. And to avoid any and all chores.

halo1998's picture

SD used to leave her crap all over..and I got tired of picking it up. I left a laptop on the floor in the family room for a month.  In that month the dogs walk on it....ran over it..etc.  Imagine was broken when SD went to use it and the was the one that Beaver bought. Oh well...pick up your shiz and that wouldn't happen.  I currently have bags of clothes in the garage that have been taken from the bathroom where SD leaves them. Its the common bathroom and she has a hamper.  Behind the door in the bathroom is not where they belong.

Do I care anymore..NOPE.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Nearly EVERY teenager prefers staying in their own room, same as how most adults prefer staying in their own house. It's your personal space adorned with your personal items and a sense of privacy. 

Saying teenagers prefer their room is like saying ducks prefer water. And both SD and DH need to realize that preferring a bedroom over common areas of the house isn't something magical or unique to SD. She may be more interested in being in her room than other teens because she hasn't had much in the way of privacy when living with TT, but it's still not a unique occurrence. 

PetSpoiler's picture

Yep!  I can verify this!  My 16 yo daughter is in her room A LOT!  Her door is usually locked, to keep her 12yo brother out.  He is starting to spend more time in his room too.  I was the same way as a teenager.  I stayed in my room and would only come out to eat, go to the bathroom, or to leave the house.  SMPS needs to quit with the blame game.  It's getting old.

missgingersnap2021's picture

I have a couple suggestions:

Get a keyless lock where you have to put in a code to get in. When she needs a code give it to her for that one time and then change it afterwards. (I also love the idea of these if you have pets. I have seen on tv where some neighbor boys went to the door and can called the owners from it and they let them in and they saved their dogs)

I would have made her clean her room spotless looking for it.

I would have DH tell her if she cant find the keys she will have to pay to get new locks for the doors. 

As for SD18 leaving these around - She knows never to leave her stuff in common areas (living room, kitchen etc) but she has been starting to leave piles of clothes in her room and hall bathroom she uses on the weekends she is here. I cant do anything about her room but when she leaves clothes on top of the hamper or on the floor next to it I pick them up and put them in her closet. I refuse to look at a messy bathroom everytime I come up the stairs.


thinkthrice's picture

That's code for

"Skid knows that you can see through their bulls#!@ and they don't like it. "

Rags's picture


Rekey the locks and tell DH that the Barnacle makes Snottu uncomfortable.  Turn up the head under both of them.  I live the Snotty commnent that CLove is always mad at her for leaving her stuff out.  SHE leaves her stuff out. SHE can fix it.

And DH needs to pull his head out of his ass and jump on her defleciton instantly pointing ot that Snotty leaves hewr shit out and Snotty needs to fix it.

Next, empty and strip her room bare. No carpet, only bare sub floors, no sheets, only a pastic matress liner, anything left on the floor goes in the trash and she has until pick up day to fish it out out of the garbage can on the curb.

Lather.... rinse..... repeat.