When Does The Karma Bus Hit? (Vent)
Maybe I just need validation that I'm not crazy. Maybe I need validation that we are doing the right thing. The drama with the medical reimbursements this weekend has me reeling and again feeling defeated; a feeling that I haven't felt in a really long time. Like Rags always says "Beat them with a rolled up copy of the CO," that is how I feel right now - continually smacked down by a piece of paper for trying to do the right thing. DH and I spent many many years fighting BM to be involved with SS and every time, either she or the courts denied us that right. That just about killed DH and I both. We spent some time in counseling, processing where we were at with the situation and we decided to semi-drop rope. We see SS as the CO outlines, we call him twice a week as the CO outlines and we pay our CS. That is it. We do not work overtime to involve ourselves in his childcare, medical care, education, etc. DH receives email updates from the school and attends quarterly parent/teacher conferences, we receive medical updates from BM and the offices that are willing to provide us with information, and we let the rest go. When we try to be more involved with school or medical, BM calls those places and tells them that DH has no rights or as she did this weekend, scolds us for asking questions. So, we just do what we can. This seems to work okay for us and we can go about our lives relatively normally, except the 6 weeks per year that SS visits and the few times monthly or so that BM emails us.
But then we receive the occasional email like we did this past weekend, describing us as deadbeats and uninvolved and that BM is "frustrated by DH's lack of interest" and it just makes my blood boil. We busted ass for 7 years and spent $30k in legal fees to be involved and BM blocked us at every turn, but then gets mad at DH for not being involved. Yet BM has replaced DH's role, with GF becoming the new "Daddy," giving GF full decision making and parental authority. Even SS believes GF holds more authority and power than DH. We are literally like an Aunt and Uncle at this point. Oh and BM constantly reminds DH that she is sole decision maker. What do you want from us?! We don't have the authority to make decisions, BM keeps blocking our access, and we only see SS 6 weeks per year so how are we really supposed to be involved in anything? Why does BM continue to bitch about DH's lack of involvement when she is the one who created this and continues to allow this to happen? Why can't she just bask in the fact that she has "created" this perfect family unit with GF and SS and just move on with her life? I'm just at a loss.
The worse part is, due to the years of gaslighting and psychological abuse, we start to believe the crap that BM spews. I just hate it. It makes me feel like a failure. And I hate that because DH and BM had a baby at 19 because BM tampered with the birth control and was in a bad emotional spot and thought a baby would make her feel better, I am viewed as the "second family" and less than. I am told by the courts and society that DH shouldn't have had another child (DD) if he can't afford it or that I should pay more of the bills because DH can't afford, but SS is supposed to be provided for at all costs, even beyond what is reasonable. And just when we finally get ahead financially, BM requests another CS review and because DH's income went up by $5k, CS goes way up and we end up in the same financial situation we were originally in, like DH never got a raise. Yet, we continue to do everything right! Being together for 9 years, getting married, saving until we were financially ready to have a baby, living within our means, etc. None of it matters because BM is all wonderful and the person that deserves the world. Oh and then because we have to deal with BM's crap and my anxiety is high when dealing with her, it takes away mental capacity to enjoy DD.
I want to know is when will BM get hers? When is this karma bus just going to run her over? She can't continue to get away with this all. I know that we will be satisfied when child support ends and we can block BM from all sources of communication and cut ties legally and just get on with our lives, but when is karma going to get her? Will losing that narc supply and losing abusing us be her karma? Ugh, I just can't!
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Good question!
So far it has been 18 yrs for us with no sign of the karma bus yet. Oh well.
Only $5,325 more to go!
I'd like to know. BioHo's
I'd like to know. BioHo's shenanigans have been going on for over 30 years. Karma is waaaaaaay overdue.
I think it comes eventually, but never how you think it will
We've spent the last year watching SS12 implode, and it's absolutely BM's karma. All the times that she called DH a deadbeat, that she accused us of having an affair. The 4 years when her (now former) DH hung the moon and DH was trash. When she PAd him at 5 to be afraid of DH, so he didn't see him for almost a year. Heck, she even lied in her most recent sworn statement, accusing DH of stalking her and referring to him as a stalker, which is a crime where we are. For 10 years, she's done everything she can to make this kid hate me and DH and the only one who's really suffering is SS12. And it was finally recognized by the GAL and SS's therapist, and for once, they helped. And they actually saw what she has been doing and who she is.
As of last week, DH has primary physical custody of BOTH kids (SS17 came 2 years ago after 2 years of court). The GAL essentially said BM wasn't fit for custody and that she questioned whether BM could have a positive relationship with SS because she won't consider his feelings on anything and wouldn't listen to him.
BM is now fully non-custodial, and will see SS12 EOWE for 3.5 days. She has to drop him off to us before school on Monday AM to even get that. Although they still share legal custody, BM's no longer in charge of the doctors' appointments or registering him for school. And he doesn't have to do Boy Scouts, which she was forcing him to do (and tried to force on us, too!), so that she could look like such a great mom.
I didn't want this outcome. The only person it's good for is SS12, but it is unquestionably good for him. Meanwhile, I do get sick joy from the fact that she's such a great mom whose kids want as little as possible to do with her. That's probably the only karma I'm ever going to get, but I think I can get OK with that. If she wasn't her and hadn't behaved badly for so long, I would feel terrible for her, but she's absolutely earned this.
See, at least you guys
See, at least you guys obtained custody of SS. Even if you didn't want it, it still stuck it to BM, proving how crappy of a parent she is. The courts won't even bat an eye at BM's wrongdoings and believe every lie that comes out of her mouth.
BM is creating a monster. SS is becoming rude, entitled, and condescending, just like BM. While many people would say that is her karma, BM basks in the fact that SS is just like her.
She basks in the fact that SS is just like her
For now she basks. Once kiddo gets older it may not be that way. Or she may be stuck with a broken and sad kiddo for the rest of her life. That's karma, too.
Your BM may flame out like ours has. She went off the deep end and SS suffered for it. The level of his bad behavior is the only reason we "won."
Another poster got it right... You all need to shift how you're thinking. Learn to be ok with her ruining the skids and focus on living a good life. <3
I remember feeling exactly the way you do
I remember DH and I feeling the exact same way you do. We fought for equal custody of the 3 SD's, but BM lied, connived and blocked us every step of the way. We were broke, working all the time, while she enjoyed fancy vacations and new clothes and new cars. The court system in the US is broken. We finally stopped expecting the courts to do anything about the injustice of it all. When we tried to fight it, we got smacked down. So we gave in, and BM ruined the skids. I mean, she full on, messed with their heads, made them into messed up little versions of her. All we could do was bleed money to the BM's demands and watch her burn it all down.
Once you accept that you have no control over the situation, you can begin to live for yourselves. You can try to tell the skids the truth, but they won't listen. Live your life so YOU can be happy. If DH wants to mope, then go out and have fun on your own. Don't let it bring you down to BM's level. The only thing you have control over is you. As for Karma, it eventually comes around, but you may not hear about it from the BM. Sometimes the skids will slip up and you will find out about her dirty little secrets, but mostly she will just have to live with the little monsters she has created, and all her fake drama - and that IS her punishment.
Thank you for that. We are
Thank you for that. We are trying to live our lives and just let it all burn. We are doing a lot better at that than we used to. I just hate seeing SS turn into a mini BM. He doesn't see anything wrong with being a bully or being entitled or condescending. But in the same breath, you can tell he is conflicted because he tells us that he knows things that BM does are wrong, and he experiences horrible anxiety before going home to BM's, but he is still so loyal to her and wants to please her and defends her constantly. It's all just a mess.
I used to ask the same, and I
I used to ask the same, and I think Karma just hits differently in these situations. I think I mentioned this in one of your previous blogs, but I think your BM hates a lot of her life. If she doesn't hate it, she's going to sooner than later when all these long-term problems she has sowed bear fruit.
SS will likely turn out just like BM, and he'll turn on BM. Or he'll be such a mess mentally that he can't function. It will create friction between her and GF. It will cause BM to turn on SS from time to time. No, it won't be the court reversing custody (probably) or giving your DH more rights or cutting down on DH's expenses. But, for a woman who values perception and looks, she'll be in for a really rude awakening when her "golden child" stops looking so golden except when she is the one having to constantly shine him up.
I know that's not comforting, or at least not as comforting as it could be if Karma just hit her with a bus. But the good news is that there is light at the end of the tunnel for you all. There isn't for her. That's the part that most of these GUBMs don't realize: eventually the punching/money bag goes away and they're stuck having to solely deal with the chaos they've created. ET is on the verge of being hit with that here. I don't think she realizes how close she is to losing her kids. We'll never get back the money. DH will never lose the scars of her abuse. We'll never get back the time we spent picking up her slack. But at the end of the day, we get to close the door on her and tell her good luck.
Do what you can for your sanity. If SS resents DH for that, then DH just needs to pull out the CO and explain it all. Bring out the $30K in legal bills to show him that DH tried, BM fought him, and the courts sided with her. Your DH tried and he was failed by others. SS will be failed by his mother. Her Karma will be that, through it all, every scheme, she couldn't take away you or your DD from your DH or SS. As much as that seems like something silly on the Karma scale, that has to eat at her to no end.
Thank you for this! You are
Thank you for this! You are right. We get to close the door and wish her luck. Since SS will always (likely) choose BM, she will have to deal with the mess she creates and pick up the pieces if he fails to launch or has issues. You are right - our karma is getting to close the door in 7.5 years and not look back. And I hope it does bother BM that DH and I are building a beautiful life and family with DD and SS (when we have him), and that we are genuinely happy with our life (outside of dealing with her).
That's the spirit!
That's the spirit!
I do get how hard it is to come to terms with it all. I used to get SO frustrates with ET about every little thing, and be mad when her decisions never fully bit her. But ultimately, she lives a life I don't want. I have good relationships with both SKs. I have the husband she wishes she had. For the sake of the kids, I don't want anything truly awful to happen to her. But I also couldn't keep living my life constantly upset that she was "winning" at some things at the expense of DH and I.
It's a battles versus war scenario. Your BM is going to win a lot of battles, but the war of you having a good life is one she can't win.
Find Your Karma
12 years enduring toxic behavior. 4 years completely disengaged. No visible Karma. And the reason is...these toxic azzholes we deal with are so self absorbed, they simply can't see the Karma. BM went through $1MIL in 4 years and was homeless and destitute before she died. Never saw it as anything to do with her behaviors. DHs youngest son is now a step parent and they are having issues. Someone asked me if he'd finally get it. A quick NO came out of my mouth. They are incapable of seeing the Karma because they are incapable of accepting responsibility on any level. So how could their "bad luck" be anything to do with them or their behaviors????
So, I found my Karma. We made it through the CS years. I live well. I'm healthy again, both mentally and physically (something StepHell robbed me of for a while). DH and I are finally on the same page. His kids see him less than ever because of how they treat me and HIM. While they will always blame me (due to their own lack of processing), DH and I know the truth. I'm getting older and life is short. I refuse to let the nasty people hurt me again. Find your joy, Friend. Big hugs.
The thing about Karma is you
The thing about Karma is you don't always know or see when someone else gets theirs.
BM, over here, has always claimed to be so happy and loving her life but people who are happy don't actively try to make others miserable. They would be too busy being happy, right?
According to SD31, BM is now splitting from her 6th husband because he cheated on her. Karma indeed.
I know that when we were in the middle of everything, all those years ago, it seemed like BM won at every turn. But, looking back, she didn't really win, at all. She thought she did and there were certainly times that we felt defeated but we came out of it okay and are done, and she's still going through the same cycles, over and over, again.
BM pulled the same crap, blocking DH from being involved, alienating SD, then telling everybody that he was never there for her, only BM was. She still does it. Whatever.
It was a long road (I started dating DH when SD was 5) but we survived! We have moved forward, she has not.
Focus on you and yours and try not to waste too much energy thinking about the bitch. She's not worth it.
I described it as being
I described it as being punished for being responsible.
I think Karma is doled out to
I think Karma is doled out to the recipient based of them and not what “we” would like to see happen. Case in point, if my Karma bus worked on Meth Mouth she would be in jail, locked up forever and never seen again. For Spawn that would just make Meth Mouth even more of a martyr. So instead Meth Mouth roams free, a loser with no job, no money, and occasionally busted by the police. Spawn can’t continue to blame DH for Meth Mouth’s failings because he is no longer involved. Spawn has to accept that her mother is a drug addict who will continue to fail her. It doesn’t look like what I want, but its effective and working for those who are living with it.
For me, it came when SD was
For me, it came when SD was 17. She went through the entire file cabinet of custody paperwork. (It wasn't really hidden, I just never thought she'd look or be interested). She read every letter, every court proceeding, text print outs, etc. Seeing all of BM's lies there in black & white changed a lot of her feelings.
My DH had a file drawer like
My DH had a file drawer like this hoping some day Spawn would want to actually see all this for herself. Well last time Meth Mouth was facing jail, Meth Mouth called Spawn crying that DH was having her locked up again. DH at the time had no clue what was happening so he looked on the court website and saw Meth Mouth was facing DUI charges. DH tried to have Spawn look at the website herself and she refused. She claimed DH had planted that information and you coulnd't trust anything on the internet. After that DH realized that nothing was going to convince Spawn that Meth Mouth was a raging nut bag junkie. I think to this day Spawn still believes her mom is unfairly targeted by the police and she's just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Denial is powerful. My SF
Denial is powerful. My SF still blames CPS for cutting his ties to her grandkids via SSis. Nevermind that SSis was charged not once, but twice with child endangerment (second time was four counts of felony neglect) AND a DUI (because empty beer cans on the floor of your minivan rolling around underneath carseats is just a coincidence I guess). Nevermind that SSis didn't complete her required AA meetings and parenting classes so her rights were terminated. Nevermind that my SF and Mom didn't want to adopt the kids (not that I blame them, but it meant his legal ties to his grands was severed when they were adopted by his XW).
Nope, it's all CPS's fault for taking the kids away to begin with and giving them to his XW to foster (because, again, he and my mom didn't want to take them).
He's now all upset because they're aging into adulthood and aren't sure they want a relationship with him because of the relationship he still has with SSis. My mom tried to reassure the kids that SSis would never be around them and they would keep her away. Funny because SSis is living with my mom and SF at the moment since her most recent BF went to jail so they got kicked out of his mom's house and he now lives in a pop-up tent out behind the gas station he works at. But it's totally the XW's fault for "turning the kids against him" even though he keeps helping SSis.
I'm thankful everyday that my SKs each have a brain and recognized ET's BS.
I have to remind myself of
I have to remind myself of this every so often but it rings true. Wherever you go, there you are. That applies to everybody. Horrible BM is no exception. Therein lies the karma.
I have a hard time letting the stupidity of steplife roll off my back sometimes, it stresses me out more when I'm unhappy elsewhere.
Sometimes it feels like steplife is preventing the rainbows and butterflies but I can't control BM, or SSs, or even SO. All I can control is me (and that's debatable!) and live my life in a way that is satisfying and fulfilling for me. Because wherever I go, there I am.
Take solace in knowing that when the lights go down and the curtain closes, all she has is the production (mess) she has created. You don't get to experience backstage from the front row, be thankful for that.
I hear you, though. #$@! BM and her shenanigans.