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Knew This Would Happen

CastleJJ's picture

We live 4 hours and in a different state from BM and function on a long distance schedule. We see SS 6 weeks per year. So DH received an email today from SS9's football league stating that they would be holding a single day tryout in the coming weeks (date TBA). Well of course this would screw us over because our CO states that DH while DH has set dates for summer visitation, DH will move his summer parenting time schedule around to accommodate SS' sports, but that DH will still maintain the two two week blocks in their entirety (i.e. BM cannot split up the dates). The CO also states that BM can demand a change in visitation up until one week prior to the first scheduled parenting time, so it makes it impossible to plan things like trips, childcare, etc. The parent starting visitation is the one who provides transportation for SS so DH picks SS up from BMs and drive him back to our state at the start of visitation and BM picks SS up from our home and takes him back to BM's state at the end of visitation.

So BM emails DH and offers two options:

1. They commit to the scheduled dates and if the tryout falls on DH's visitation, DH will drive SS back to BM's state for the tryout and then back to our state to finish visitation. Transportation occurs as court ordered. 

2. They commit to the scheduled dates and if the tryout falls on DH's visitation, BM will drive up to get SS and take him back to her state for the tryout and she will keep him and offer DH make up time at an undisclosed time later in the year (yeah right). 

DH disagreed with both options because he wants to maintain his full parenting time as ordered and doesn't feel its fair to do so much transportation to drive SS twice round-trip and BM to only do pick up at the end. 

I hate our CO because it forces DH to accomodate BM's PAS tactics and SS' sports, which always leads to DH sacrificing and/or doing tons more work than BM. DH offered BM a compromise on the first option, that if tryouts occur during DH's visitation, DH will take SS to the tryout and bring him back to our state to finish visitation, but BM has to either provide full transportation at the start and end of parenting time or agree to meet halfway at the start and end of parenting time. 

DH also provided a caveat that if the tryout occurs during BM's time, they maintain the current schedule with no changes. 

We shall see what she says. Honestly, she'd be dumb to decline that compromise. Of course BM had to fill the email with tons of bullshit comments about State Parenting Time guidelines and the psychological importance of DH visiting SS in BM's home state. Sorry, BM, we have been there and done that and you abused that privilege by trying to control and manipulate, so we don't visit anymore. During the custody battle last year, the judge refused to order DH to visit BM's state due to BM's previous behavior toward DH, yet she keeps trying to make that happen. 

I have been doing so well at being calm and DH and I have gotten over a lot of the trauma from our past with BM and our terrible custody battle. This communication tonight stirred up a lot of feelings for me and almost sent me into a panic attack because I know it could lead to a lengthy email fight. This is why I wanted a CO that was clearly defined, but the judge ordered BM this flexibility. Lord, give me strength. 

UPDATE:

BM accepted our compromise and offered to do all transportation at the start and end of that stint. She made a big stink about DH not being clear in his email and it being confusing, so DH had to call her, sort it out, and follow up with an email documenting the decision made via phone call. She's just stupid, DH couldn't have been any clearer. 

BM is now arguing about the interpretation of the CO. DH's attorney promised that DH will exercise summer parenting time in two two week blocks that cannot be split up into chunks, but that those two week blocks can be shifted to sooner or later in the summer to accomodate sports. 

BM is arguing that the CO interprets it as DH will generally exercise visitation in 2 week blocks but if SS has sport obligations, she is allowed to split the time into chunks to accomodate SS' sports as long as DH gets 4 weeks total for the summer. 

DH sent a very straight forward BIFF email to BM stating that he is in disagreement with her interpretation and he requested mediation if they cannot reach an agreement. BM made it clear that they cannot reach an agreement, stating that she thinks smaller chunks of time with DH are actually more beneficial for DH and SS' relationship than longer ones... BULLSHIT PAS TACTIC. DH told BM that since we have reached a compromise for this summer, we will wait and seek mediation if this becomes an issue next summer and if mediation does not bring forward an agreement, court will be necessary. 

Honestly, DH and I are over this and I really wish DH would just drop rope, but I understand why he can't. I couldn't imagine giving up on my child either, but I will not regress back to the ferris wheel of hell we rode for years. 

 

Comments

Tried out's picture

my head around the psychological importance of visiting SS in BM's home state. I get the PI to BM - she gets to know she forced your DH to come to her, but for SS?? Where does she get this stuff?

CastleJJ's picture

BM has a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology. Her favorite PAS tactic is to bombard DH with data and research that support her arguments, but that never apply to her. It's always a double standard. She is all "concerned" with SS' mental health, psychological development and wellbeing. She said it is psychologically important for SS to see DH involved in SS' community, to meet his friends, to show SS that he is active in his town too. She said DH should be attending sporting events and school events to prove to SS that he cares. She even tried to claim that our state recently released new parenting time guidelines encouraging out of state visitation, since it is beneficial to the kids... SHOW ME WHERE?!? GUESS WHAT, YOU CANT BECAUSE IT DOESNT EXIST. It's all a load of bullshit as a means for BM to control. 

In court, BM tried to get DH to commit to 7 weekends or 3 weeks of out of state visitation per year. The judge refused to order it due to it being unreasonable and a financial burden on DH. BM motioned for it in court three more times after the judge's refusal. She wants DH in her state so bad, but every time we visit, BM controls the visitation and withholds SS. If we go for a 3 day visit, we only see SS for maybe 2 hours and it is us transporting SS to birthday parties, sport practices, etc. BM uses out of state visitation to make us her nanny for the weekend. We don't actually get quality time with SS. Plus it's super expensive because BM lives in a large city; a weekend visit can easily cost $500+.

CastleJJ's picture

UPDATE:

BM accepted our compromise and offered to do all transportation at the start and end of that stint. She made a big stink about DH not being clear in his email and it being confusing, so DH had to call her, sort it out, and follow up with an email documenting the decision made via phone call. She's just stupid, DH couldn't have been any clearer. 

BM is now arguing about the interpretation of the CO. DH's attorney promised that DH will exercise summer parenting time in two two week blocks that cannot be split up into chunks, but that those two week blocks can be shifted to sooner or later in the summer to accomodate sports. 

BM is arguing that the CO interprets it as DH will generally exercise visitation in 2 week blocks but if SS has sport obligations, she is allowed to split the time into chunks to accomodate SS' sports as long as DH gets 4 weeks total for the summer. 

DH sent a very straight forward BIFF email to BM stating that he is in disagreement with her interpretation and he requested mediation if they cannot reach an agreement. BM made it clear that they cannot reach an agreement, stating that she thinks smaller chunks of time with DH are actually more beneficial for DH and SS' relationship than longer ones... BULLSHIT PAS TACTIC. DH told BM that since we have reached a compromise for this summer, we will wait and seek mediation if this becomes an issue next summer and if mediation does not bring forward an agreement, court will be necessary. 

Honestly, DH and I are over this and I really wish DH would just drop rope, but I understand why he can't. I couldn't imagine giving up on my child either, but I will not regress back to the ferris wheel of hell we rode for years. 

tog redux's picture

Ugh, I'm sorry. I totally understand your anxiety. These women live for this kind of conflict and it saps the life out of normal people. Glad it's settled (for now). 
 

I was glad to see the end of child support mostly so DH would have no more legal entanglements with BM. The extra money is nice, but it's not the best part. 

CastleJJ's picture

I really had thought I had gotten better with a lot of this. BM hasn't been taking up as much headspace, I don't flashback to traumatic events involving BM anymore,.no more nightmares, etc. This was terrible and it made me feel so defeated. 

DH and I were visiting family, playing cards, and DH slid the phone over to me. I didn't even read it, but I saw how long it was, and I immediately went into panic. My heart started to race, I got clamy, my mind was racing, I lost focus, was physically shaking, and I knew that I couldn't enjoy myself or think of anything else until this was resolved. 

DH sent a very BIFF response and yet it still led to 3 more back and forth emails throughout the night between DH and BM dissecting and ripping apart our response. Even though she appears "civil" about it, she loves to throw in power plays, uncited research, double standards, and "SS is really excited for football, this is in his best interest." Thats the part that makes it so hard. She is like a wolf in sheep's clothing so on the surface it appears civil but in reality, it sends DH and I spinning. It's like we can never be clear enough. 

DH received the first email around 8:00 pm and I was still in full blown fight or flight mode until well after midnight. Yes, DH received the last email at 11:30pm, but even then, it took forever for me to calm down. I'm still upset about it this morning, but I'm not panicking anymore. I'm a person who needs closure, so I don't like leaving stuff with BM incomplete and unresolved. After DH responded initially, I wanted to get this wrapped up as quickly as possible, to not allow this to consume me for longer than necessary. 

I set boundaries with DH last night that if something like this occurs again and we are enjoying ourselves or on vacation or something, I do not want to be informed until after/later. It is not fair to ruin my time with my anxiety to deal with BM. DH said he only showed me because he knew my past anxiety about not knowing about communications between DH and BM that can impact my life, which I get. He also said he wanted to resolve it quickly so I get the closure that I need. I also told DH that I will not regress back to how things were before court. I will not go through that trauma and be abused by BM again. I don't want to give an ultimatum, but if we start to head down that path, we either drop rope or I can't do it anymore. I refuse to sacrifice my mental health any longer. 

I don't even care about the end of CS. Yes, the extra money would definitely be nice, since we are getting by at best, but that's not the biggest part. I just want DH to be able to legally rid himself of this dreadful woman. I cannot wait to never have to communicate with BM ever again and to be able to put all of this in the rearview permanently. That will be the closure I need. Unfortunately, SS is only 9 so we are only halfway there. 

tog redux's picture

I get that. That's where I was when DH decided, with my and his attorney's advice, to drop the rope. I was ready to leave. BM had won based on lies and DH wanted to appeal. Nope, I was done. 
 

I also used to tell DH not to tell me about BM's emails in the evening or when I was at work, my anxiety would be overwhelming and I couldn't concentrate or sleep. 

CastleJJ's picture

How old was your skid when he PASed out? Did he still enjoy coming for visitation or no? That's why I think DH is still fighting is because SS still likes coming to visit and we still have a close relationship with him. Plus DH is struggling with the fact that SS is only 9 and how do you abandon a 9 year old. Is there anything I can do to get over the anxiety? I have tried meds, therapy, etc, but nothing has been effective. I even started having OCD like tics that I have to do or I can't focus on anything else. 

DH and I know that we will not gain anything by going to court and DH isn't willing to put more money into it. Our last court battle took a year, cost $30k and got us absolutely nothing. The judge basically told DH that he should just pay CS and drop rope. DH said if he went to settle this one issue, he would go unrepresented and let the cards fall where they may. I just want to be done with it all. DH and I have a great relationship together and being long distance makes it so much easier since we live like a normal couple all but 6 weeks per year, but dealing with BM at any time is not worth it. I dont want to do it anymore. 

tog redux's picture

Sent you a PM. Dropping the rope is hard, and he might just have to let go of that one issue and take his visits in chunks of time.