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Visitation is almost over

CastleJJ's picture

SS9 is getting picked up by BM on Saturday. We won't see him again until Christmas. He has done really well this last week and a half. SS has shed some light on the things he faces at BM's home, which are not pleasant. Due to BM and GFs irregular work schedules, SS is being dumped off wherever at all hours of the day and night. SS mentioned one night where BM was working (she works 3rd shift) and GF got called into work at 3 a.m. so SS had to be woken up and taken to a friend's house at 3 a.m. SS highlighted that he is ignored constantly, only shown affection or attention when it suits BM. I believe that the allegations BM emailed about are either 100% made up by BM or SS felt coerced into saying things to appease BM. Luckily, we have everything on footage this visitation. There is hours of movie nights, board games at the kitchen table, etc. After witnessing SS' interactions with BM this week, he seems afraid of BM, like there is definitely emotional abuse going on. He also highlighted that BM won't allow SS to play football in college or professional, due to risk of concussion, but demands SS play until he graduates high school (we know this is to prevent visitation). We asked him if he wanted to play catch this week and he said "No." He honestly wants nothing to do with football. I feel bad for the kid, but due to BM's antics and the courts, we have little power to change his situation. 

It has been a rough visitation for me. I was hospitalized the night before SS' arrival due to heavy bleeding. DH and I thought I was having a miscarriage. DH spent all night at the hospital with me and then drove to pick SS up the next morning. We had to wait 5 days to get test results back and an appointment with my OBGYN to confirm that everything was okay. It was an agonizing wait. But, all is okay with me and the baby. DH went to my first appointment, which is something BM never gave him the opportunity to do. When he saw the ultrasound and heard the heartbeat, DH cried. He said it was one of the happiest days of his life. I have had horrible morning sickness every day since. I mean all day, every day, bedridden morning sickness. DH has done literally everything - meal preparation, laundry, cleaning, letting the dog out, entertaining SS, etc. SS sensed that something was going on, but I definitely don't want SS knowing yet, especially since BM is so high conflict. My Dad (who is a retired paramedic) made up a story and told SS why I am sick. SS totally bought it and all the symptoms line up with that minor medical condition. Smart thinking Dad, that way if SS goes back and tells BM, she may believe the story and not think that I'm pregnant. Here's hoping. 

I told DH last night that I am anxious about visitation next year. I know it is a year away and a lot can happen between now and then, but this is how my anxiety goes. BM has made it clear that she has the power to manipulate summer visitation, which per the CO, she technically does to accomodate sports. She has made it clear that she will chunk DH's two weeks into itty bitty pieces if she feels like it. It leaves me feeling completely powerless and out of control of our own schedule, since she hinted that she may break the 4 weeks into weekend only visitation, resulting in 9 out of 12 weekends being dedicated to SS and constant back and forth out of state pick ups. If SS is really having a hard time at BM's, I worry that less or chunked up visitation will be worse for SS, but again, we can't fix that for him. I am looking forward to a five month break to focus on DH, our future, and our baby, but I'm dreading future dealings with BM. 



FinallySkidFree's picture

Glad you and your baby are ok. I feel bad for this child. You are right, you and DH are powerless. The court system is very PRO-Mom and does not tend to help children in these unhealthy situations. The worst part is that this boy will rebel against his mother, he will blame your DH for not getting him out of that awful situation and will likely be lost forever. Take it one day at a time, it is really all you can do.

Gimlet's picture

I'm sorry about the situation with SS, but wanted to write and offer my sympathy for how sick you're feeling.  I was also really sick when I was pregnant for the first 4ish months and lost a lot of weight.  I can relate to how awful that feels and I hope you are better soon.  Do you have HG?


CastleJJ's picture

I don't have HG - thank God. One of my friends has it currently and has been hospitalized several times, needing a medication pump with several IVs. 

I asked my doctor for medication to help. She wants me to try natural remedies first, but all of those have been ineffective, so hopefully I can get something to provide relief soon. 

Cover1W's picture

My sister had morning sickness Alllllllll the way through. She did get medication to help hold some food down and then found that very bland, bland food was it - toast/bread/white rice, etc. She got through it though and I have a great niece now! 

CastleJJ's picture

Oh I am living on toast, crackers, and baked chicken breast. It's been rough, but I'm taking it day by day. 

bananaseedo's picture

SO glad everything is ok with the baby.  DId they say what could have caused the bleeding?

Yes, smart thinking on your dad, that's good.  I'm not sure the SS is the innocent victim-because he's badmouthing bm to you guys, he likely does the same about you guys to BM- the kids start sensing the parents animosity and play both camps (SD certainly did, shoot she still does). 

One thing I worry about though, because we've seen it on the board way to much "I am looking forward to a five month break to focus on DH, our future, and our baby, but I'm dreading future dealings with BM."  From my experience, many times when dad has a new kids these bm's go nuts they either further alienate-but mostly they seem to dump the kids every moment, if not full time on the dad- probably to 'cement' the skids position and competing for time/resources/ there is a good chance that you have your baby and BM dumps him on you guys full time.  Be prepared for that, just in case.

CastleJJ's picture

They said that there was some visible bleeding near the placenta, so they believe the bleeding was caused by continued development of the placenta since I am still early in the pregnancy (only 8 weeks). The bleeding wasn't present at my appointment, so they believe whatever caused the bleeding either healed or developed. 

We have thought about the possibility of this. I would be really surprised if BM dumped SS on us full time. BM needs SS to maintain control, not only of DH but of other family and friends. I have a hard time believing that she would give that up. She doesn't even trust DH to apply a bandaid let alone raise SS full time. She is more the type to alienate by telling SS "Daddy doesn't love you anymore" than dumping him on us full time. 

MamaKelly_2020's picture

I am worried about alienation with our SS4 too. Our BM is very vindictive and she is acting nice about my pregnancy (12w4d) but I feel like everything is going to change when baby is here. Being a step parent is so hard :( 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

If you and DH pretended to be enthusiastic about chunking visitation into weekends only, is there any chance she'd reverse course just to p*ss you off?

CastleJJ's picture

We thought about this too. It's hard to tell. Every time we think we know BM's patterns, she comes completely out of left field. We never know what to expect. 

We believe her ultimate goal is to get DH to 0 visitation, but I think she also wouldn't be happy if DH had 0 visitation. We just don't know her issue. 

notarelative's picture

 since she hinted that she may break the 4 weeks into weekend only visitation, resulting in 9 out of 12 weekends being dedicated to SS and constant back and forth out of state pick ups. 

What sport team has no weekend games? If she can arrange this, there is no hope that visitation can be arranged.

CastleJJ's picture

I think BM is trying force DH into doing visitation in BM's state. She has wanted out of state visitation for the last 3 years and at one point, promised DH loads of summer visitation if DH promised to visit SS in BM's state 7 times per year. Both DH and the judge have refused it. Part of me thinks that she is threatening weekends only as the first step and then because there are games every weekend, which we know and she knows, she will then demand that DH has to come do visitation in her state to accomodate. I think she wants to eliminate visitation in our home and she wants DH traveling back and forth all summer. 

I know that DH won't agree to an arrangement like this, so I just worry that it will lead to another court battle. 

MamaKelly_2020's picture

You're out of state too??? and in your first trimester?! I am relating to a lot of what you're going through!! 

Our BM cut us off during COVID completely because it "wasn't safe" (BS - she lived in a higher risk state and had baby sitters and all kinds of people around SS --- she only did it as a way to control us) and it took an emergency court order to interviene. We then had to fight her in court for the right to take SS out of state and she wanted to try to act like DH was unfit -- only for her to call him up and yell at him to move to her state so he could take the kid more often. It's all manipulation to get what SHE wants. It's so frustrating and hard.

We finally had our first visit with SS in our home and he had a BLAST. I am worried that how much he enjoyed his stay might trigger more crazy behavior from BM. :C

justmakingthebest's picture

I am so glad that you and the baby are healthy!

As for your SS... It is so sad and it hurts to know that nothing will ever be done for SS to make his life better. BM will win, the nasty ones always do...

FinallySkidFree's picture

justmakingthebest - but do they really win? I mean, our BM succeeded in completely PASing SD20 from my DH. She stopped all visitation by the age of 15. To this day - we have never seen her again, I think DH has seen her once or twice on her territory, she won't come to our house. What has BM won exactly? Nothing. Both her kids have NOTHING to show for the quarter of a million dollars my DH has paid in CS. Both her kids have nothing more than a HS diploma. No real life skills, live at home with her and have done zero in the productivity of life. She has won nothing. I on the other hand have gained everything - she and her kids are out of our lives. While I feel for my DH, he played a huge hand in how they turned out, because he refused to set any goals or expectations for them. So there they are - two useless human beings.

justmakingthebest's picture

I guess it depends on how you look at it. For us, BM wins more money from DH. BM wins total parenting control. BM wins the love of their child solely. They mostly win breaking their children's father's hearts. Which for most of them was really the only goal. 

I wish we could have won the peace part. That would be really nice right about now.


ExhaustedByItAll's picture

And I hope your morning sickness eases up as you get into second trimester.

Your SS sounds like he genuinely wants to be there with you guys. From what I read of your previous blogs, I also doubt your BM would ever give DH any more time willingly, but as he gets older, your SS may ask. As for the next couple of years, yes, BM will probably make visitation as difficult as possible, just make sure your SS knows why he's not seeing his dad more and mentally prepare for BM to continue being awful. When SS hits midteens he may have had enough of her BS.