You are here

Exactly What I Thought Would Happen Happened - SEEING RED

CastleJJ's picture

DH received the dreaded football email from BM tonight. Exactly what I said a few blog posts ago would happen, happened. In her email, BM outlined that she has spoken with the coach and other parents with kids who have played junior high football and there will likely be optional Sunday practices. She highlighted that while they are optional, they will likely impact SS' position and team (A team versus B team) based on his "commitment" to football during those optional practices. She went on to say that she doesn't have the schedule yet and it likely won't be available until May (again giving us no notice to plan but granted under the CO). At the end of her email she stated "the older he gets, the more his activities take away from his time with us (regardless of which parents house he is at)." 

The last sentence has me seeing RED. BM moved SS 6 hours away from DH at 5 years old. We tried to fight it in court and couldn't. As soon as she moved out of state, she enrolled SS in every sport under the sun, using that as her legal grounds to minimize DH's visitation, citing that SS loved his sports and they needed to be prioritized above all else. The courts agreed and granted her that flexibility in the CO. Now, BM tries to compare the hours for practice and games she loses in any given week of her 46 weeks of parenting time to the 6 weeks total per year we get for visitation. We don't have the time with SS to lose without basically being stripped all together. I asked DH when it will stop? When will BM stop trying to reduce us from 4 weeks, to 2 weeks, to no weeks? At what point do we just let her? This kid is ONLY 12 and we have been doing this for 7 frickin years with each year getting "busier" on the sports front and each year getting more high conflict. Yet BM can pull SS out for a week for her wedding, a week for family vacation, etc. And it's not like BM says "since we can't do 4 weeks in summer, let's do 2, then I'll give you spring break, and x, y, z." Oh no, she wants to maintain all of her parenting time, while taking away ours. And the hard part is, our CO provides too many grey areas, which I told our attorney 5 years ago I was worried about. It literally says that both parties will accommodate sport commitments, while maintaining DH's 4 weeks total of visitation. So basically, BM has to give DH 30 days but it doesn't specify how - weekends, single days, weeks, etc. 

At first DH and I typed out a "no send" email with all of our thoughts about BM's double standards, the fact that her decision to move caused this, that maybe instead of us reducing our time, she should be the flexible one and give a longer consecutive visit, the fact that all she does is TAKE, etc. After we got it all out, we deleted it and said "Thank you for the update. We will consult the football schedule once it is made available and discuss options. We are willing to be flexible to an extent, while maintaining our 4 weeks of visitation as outlined in the court order."

If SS didn't want to come or didn't care about us, that would be one thing and I would accept it and drop rope, but SS is excited about traveling with us, spending time with us, and seeing our families. And I know for a fact, BM hasn't consulted SS on any of this. I don't want to take that away from him by giving up and letting BM win. But I also can't stand that every summer revolves around SS, with no time to plan, transporting back and forth, and dealing with this ridiculous bullshit. And the hard part is, no matter how much SS wants to see us, he is too scared to confront BM, which is understandable since he has to live with her everyday. GOSH, I JUST HATE BM SO MUCH. 

And of course these types of communications with BM only trigger my PTSD, so now I'm sitting here shaking, with racing thoughts, unable to focus on anything else, waiting for a response. This will likely mentally consume my whole evening and that just takes me back to the early days of constant abuse via email from BM.


Rumplestiltskin's picture

Damn. I keep thinking back to what i'm pretty sure it was you who said in the past. About how SS looked stressed and worn out like an adult who has a full-time job. Living with BM and GF must be mentally and physically exhausting for him. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I'm sorry that you were right, but not suprised. And I can totally relate to the anxiety that you are experiencing while awaiting her reply. I wish I had a suggestion to make it better, but when we were in the the thick of it I would stress until the response arrived. The only thing you can do is figure out a way to make sure you get your 4 weeks. I don't think I have recently expressed how much I hate your BM - she is absolutely one of the worst ones on here.

Rags's picture

I know that your situation limits the options of holding BM to a clear and clean CO that protects your DH and SS having a relationship.  Even with that, rather than suffer PTSD at the whim of BM's crap, I think I would go full conflict with her if I were your DH.  To protect himself, to protect his relationship with his son, and to protect you from her PAS and her targeting of the family you, DH and SS are.

Even it it pisses off the Judge.  I would be dragging BM to court any time she twitched, I would be forcing a judge to hear every snippet of contempt she showed to the CO and every micro-second of interference she perpetrated against the CO'd time that DH ahs with his son,  and I would be filing judicial review demands on the Judge to be reviewed and disciplined by whatever authority keeps their foot up the ass of idiot judges.  I might not succeed, but my kid would know every little detail about his manipulative mother and every letter in every word of records, facts, and actions regarding what your DH and what you have done to protect him from them and to protect his experiences with his dad and with you.

Take care of you.

Lillywy00's picture

Even with that, rather than suffer PTSD at the whim of BM's crap, I think I would go full conflict with her if I were your DH.

Yep. I would too if I were him. 

Your DH need to keep GOOD records and receipts bc this lady will try to PAS the moment he gives up on challenging her and putting her in her place for her unsavory behavior 

Shes hoping y'all are too dumb to figure out the sports schedule in ample time to plan visitation 

And she's hoping y'all with sit down, su, and take her silly games like quiet little pets. She is banking on your husband not knowing his rights and giving up if she makes it hard enough.

Eff her and her ridiculous demands. Serve her and her partner with court papers at their jobs if they keep playing with your husbands parenting rights. 

thinkthrice's picture

It would be throwing good money after bad.  The criminal  in a black robe (judge) would buy BM "I'm just dooooooing it for SS's beeeeeeenefit."   He would then view it as disposable dad (all fathers are disposable since the 80s) interfering in BM's ultimate right to determine SS's fuuuuuuture.  He would up CS and cut off ALL posibility of visitation this ruling in BM's favor.  Game over.  Biodad, Castle and DD would be that much poorer.

Lillywy00's picture

I loathe extremely biased lawyers and judges who cant do their jobs.

when it comes to men having opportunities to be available for their kids and families that is a good thing.

I really think some women know they have a slight advantage in court (ex America has very traditional believes of men providing and women being caretakers/nuturers ) and the unsavory ones work the hell out of that advantage. 

Because of the slight advantage women have in family court, unfortunately the good men do have to do a bit more to obtain their legal rights .

*just a generalized opinion bc I don't know your situation personally 



thinkthrice's picture

It's not slight at all .  Once childten come along men lose all rights to their chidren and they become HERS unless the rare circumstance where dad happens to be rich and famous.

Just check out "JustMakingTheBest's" blogs of they are still up.

Lillywy00's picture

My ex may have been an anomaly when it came to men taking care of their kids and getting at least 50% custody. 

He demanded 50% custody right after the divorce. She gave it to him - partly because she didn't want to be bogged down as a single mom, she knew she wasn't getting beaucoup bucks in child support.

That's one of the the better qualities about him (minus his manipulative breeder, our vastly different parenting style, and his lack of boundaries with former family) was his willingness to be present especially in the formative years.

A lot of times he provides more stability for those kids than she does. 

Now his ex does live in same city so it's easier to do a 50 split if nearby  

One of the reasons I bowed out of the relationship was I didn't want 50% custody with a difficult ex for another 10+ years bc my kid is grown and I'm grown and I want more freedom. And I didn't want him to cut back custody bc of me. 

I suppose I just think courts favor whoever has the kids and most times dads are default to NCP unless they actively claim their rights. A lot of men don't know what to do/don't feel like dealing with ex drama/etc so they give up. 

Yes it's a double standard that men have to work harder to change just like the double standards women face that we have to work harder to change. 

*Not trying to discredit men's experiences and I do think judges and lawyers if they truly care about their jobs and doing right for the kids will be in favor of both parents

strugglingSM's picture

She stinks! And so do the family court judges who thought it was okay to use sports to cut off a kid's relationship with his dad. I thought the courts were supposed to try to maintain the kid's relationship with both parents.

If it were me, I would have given up by now. But, if you do give up, BM will then start sayng how your DH "doesn't even want to spend time with SS!" You can't win. She is out for control. 

Since SS is 12, can your DH go directly to him and say, "we really want to see you this summer. We know football will be busy, but we'd like you to make time to come out." Can you DH also reach out to the coach on his own and ask about flexiblity? I'd be willing to bet that the coach and his family will be taking a vacation at some point that will prevent him from going to the "optional" practices. Is junior high football really that competitive? 


Lillywy00's picture

 Is junior high football really that competitive? 

as someone who's kid plays competitive sports ... yes!!!

elementary and middle school is competitive too as these little kids can break records and generate buzz for themselves starting young. 

Then when they get to jr high or high school ... they're skill level is already more Advanced than the average player and they get "automatically" placed on varsity or A team right out the gate to help school win competitions locally, regionally, and nationally 

Which generates more buzz for recruiting coaches to have good reason to select them for spots on college team roster (with scholarship money, etc)

Lillywy00's picture

She went on to say that she doesn't have the schedule yet and it likely won't be available until May (again giving us no notice to plan but granted under the CO).

Can you not get it directly off the team website or email the coach for it? 

If you all have to pay for this stuff then now you have the power to overstep her and go directly to the coach with questions 

At the end of her email she stated "the older he gets, the more his activities take away from his time with us (regardless of which parents house he is at)." 

That's a dumb comment. Yeah he's got things going on but  unless he's on the A team with D1 scholarship full ride potential then she's doing way too much for too little payoff.  

If it's any consolation sports do have a "dead period" of a week or two where they cannot play and kids/coaches take vacations etc during this time. Find out the dead period from the coach not her trifling tail and demand parenting time (DO NOT ASK - DEMAND!) 

Is she paying 100% of these sporting fees because she should if she unilaterally signs him up for all this. Go back and ask lawyer this because here (could be diff or could be the same) cp can't just Willy nilly sign kid up for plethora or extracurriculars without consult the other parent first to ensure they can pay their portion. Unilateral sign ups mean covering full cost. 

could be wrong but seems like an effort to juice him out of more money AND decrease his parenting time. 

If possible speak to a lawyer how to navigate this.  appeal, demand new judge, get better lawyers, complain to the bar/the media/better bureau, etc 

CastleJJ's picture

Thank you all for your input. DH and I got in a huge fight last night as a result of this and I told DH that I am done with this whole situation. He will need to deal with this if he wants the relationship with SS. I am done helping him fight. The issue is that DH is half in, half out. He wants to see SS, but he isn't willing to fight BM for it. I told him that I will not accept the high conflict drama that being half in causes. He either fights with everything he has or he stops all together, cuts contact, and we are done. 

DH already has an email out to the coach. It took time to find out who the coach is (because again, BM won't provide that information) and the websites aren't well laid out with that information. It took going to the website, then the Facebook page, going through comments, and finding a random document to find him.

SS' league has always been intense. Even grades K-6, they usually practiced 4 days per week starting in July with games every weekend, did weekly weight training, etc. Though it never stopped BM from taking SS out and enjoying their summer. Junior High is supposed to be more intense. DH has said that he would be more accommodating if SS actually had a shot in hell at gaining something from football, but he doesn't. SS is scrawny and while he is decent, he isn't amazing and it is unlikely he will get a scholarship or advance to the "next level". Plus, per SS, BM already said that she won't let him play in college due to significant risk of injury, so again, what are we doing all this for? We are doing it so BM can keep DH away from SS until he's 18. DH knows that this "sports" method has been BM's MO all along. She isn't a short term planner and has likely had this planned since she moved 7 years ago. 

No, we do not pay for sports. We did when SS was younger and our attorney scolded us, asking why we would pay for something that BM is using to alienate SS. So when BM came asking for her money, DH told her that he wouldn't pay unless she was willing to work with DH to sign SS up for sports. BM refused, stating she had sole custody and could do whatever she wanted, so we stopped paying. Her response was "let me know when you decide to step up and be a father. Glad to know you were only willing to pay while there was an ongoing legal battle."

It feels like a losing battle because if we fight to see SS, BM will alienate on the basis that DH is preventing SS from enjoying his sport and DH should want that for SS. And if we give up, BM will alienate on the basis that we don't care about SS. It's literally a lose lose. And I don't see that SS is strong enough to see through the manipulation or willing to tell BM what he wants. We have asked SS what he wants in the past and we have tried to force the conversation with him. He immediately shuts down and says he "wants whatever BM wants." He isn't willing to rock the boat in the house he lives at daily, which I understand. We don't want to deal with BM either and we live 300 miles away. 

We don't have the money to go back to court. We spent $30k and a year in court 5 years ago to gain nothing extra, gain a CO full of grey areas, and to be told "a child needs their Mother". Unfortunately, this county is one of the most extreme mother favoring counties in the state and from what I've heard from others, it is the whole court system in that county, not just that judge. We think BM knew this when she selected that county to go through, using her parent's home address as her "residence" back then (she was 19), instead of her address in a different county. She never moved back to that residence or that area. We fought for change in venue, since it wasn't BM's true home county, and lost when the case originated 12 years ago. We fought for a change of venue 5 years ago when BM and DH both moved out of the county, and we still lost. The judge said "while DH still lived within state lines, the case would be held with that county." It makes no sense. If DH decided to take BM back to court, he would do so pro se because we aren't allocating anymore of our family resources to fight this fight. I am the breadwinner, we live paycheck to paycheck, and I am not willing to take money and resources away from us or DD to fight this losing battle.

Rags's picture

BM won't let him play in college?  He will be 18 and she has shit for nothing to say about it other than cutting him off. Which may just show this kid what a POS his BM is.


I love how BM is using sports to interfere in this kid's relationshp with this father but when he will be out of her legal control she flips the script and tries to play "don't get hurt" mommy games.  Her totally toxic manipulative crap is so extremely highly developed that IMHO daddy has no choice but to do everything possible to rip our her toxic throat with any and every legal, financial, and ass baring social tool possible.

Winterglow's picture

Exactly. I think I'd be working on how awesome it will be to be sole master of his future while rubbing it in (discreetly,  of course) that you will always be there for him. 

strugglingSM's picture

I feel this, esp the half in, half out thing and how you'll be alienated either way.

I think my DH gave up on being a parent to skids at a certain point because it was a total lose-lose. Now, he has a good relationship with one Skid and the other skid has been MIA since DH told BM that he has no money to contribute to college never he's been unemployed (and reminded BM that he had set money aside, but she spent it). 

It's just exhausting dealing with all this. Given her response below, I wonder if she just didn't want to disappoint SS or give your DH an opportunity to tell SS, "your mother said there was no time that you could come see me, so even though I want to see you, I guess we can't this summer." 

CastleJJ's picture

UPDATE: BM emailed DH back. I don't think she expected DH to stand his ground, so now she is backpedaling, that she just wanted DH to know the schedule may be later than normal, despite them trying to plan ahead in previous years and that she and DH worked well together to sort it out last year and she thinks they can "adjust among themselves" (aka don't take her back to court) again this year. She said if DH had any vacation plans with SS, to plan for earlier in the summer. 

I laughed and told DH, if BM would come with this messaging in the first place instead of "I'm going to take your time," it would all work out so much better for everyone. DH said that he thinks BM is surprised that he is enforcing his 4 weeks and that first email was a "test shot" to see if DH would stand firm or cave. I'm glad it is over for now, until we sort out more with the coach and the schedule. 

thinkthrice's picture

You ladies have my ultimate respect!  Looks like you have 6 more years of this charade.   So unfair to the children. 

Rags's picture

It is not over. This is just a manipulation tactic. Now is the time for DH to put his foot so firmly up BM's ass that she learns never to fuck with him and his relationship with his son again.

She knows that if she tosses him a Scooby snack that he will get all weak kneed and stop confronting her.  Which is exactly the opposite of what he should do IMHO.

He and you cannot tolerate any kindness in her direction. She has never shown any to DH or to you. Or even to her own son.  

Kick her ass with every tool possible and never stop kicking her ass until SS launches and can make his own choices including whether or not to protect himself from her with every fact available.

End this asshole BM.


If the dumbass idiot in the Harry Potter robes slinging the Fisher-Price toddler's wooden hammer pulls his usual shit, file every official complaint possible and undermine his reputation.  Have your attorney look into your options on a motion to recuse due to judicial bias by the Judge towards the BM.    Throw any and every complaint possible at the Judge.

We of course did not have this level of crap to deal with even when the SpermGrandHag attempted to take cusody via fraudulently signing the SPermidiot's name to the custody motion.  We did have an idiot judge but nowhere near the level of bias your DH has experienced.  In hind sight, he really wasn't bad.  He just pissed us off throwing complimentary comments to the SpermClan then later ripping the Spermidiot a new asshole for his crap.  Which is it, are the a loving family or are they a collective POS?  They cannot be both.  

Anyway, good luck.   Turn up the pressure on BM now that you have her backing up due to punching her in the proverbial nose by not tolerating her crap.  Bullies need pain to gain clarity. Keep up that beating. 

Only 6 more years to go.

notarelative's picture

Middle school here does not have a football team. There is a league that encompasses K to grade 8 kids. Kids who want to play high school football play there. 

High school begins last week of August. State high school league rules are no practice before August 1. They get around that by holding what they call 'captain practice'. No coaches attend and supposedly it's voluntary. Since football is not king here, and they often have trouble filling the roster since once kids turn 16 they try to find an after school job. I doubt there is any penalty for not attending optional practices.

Winterglow's picture

I am an atheist but when I think of your BM I admit that there are times when I wish I believed in heaven and hell. 

OTOH, I find it very amusing that she thinks she can forbid SS to play sports when he's off at college/university.  He may be meek and mild and obedient now at 12, but he'll have a whole load of other influences then. Never forget that he has other genetic material than hers ...

dragonfly878's picture

That's where he communicates "I don't give a flying shit who the custodial parent is... I don't care about sports.... I'm his parent and NOTHING will change that or take priority over the little time I get with him."

Start a public go fund me for court outlining everything you've said on this forum. Share it with everyone you know (let it get back to her) and raise $$ for legal fees. If nothing else- embarrass the shit out of her. She may have won the legal battle but she will lose in the court of public opinion. 

Rags's picture

And name the Judge clearly.  The public needs tol know  how biased that bottom 10%er of the legal "profession" is.


Lillywy00's picture

It's been a while since I've been dragging deadbeats in court (considering going back at it since I have the time now lol) but please consider appeals, requesting a better judge (in our family court here there was 3 judges for people with lawyers and 1 judges for people w/o lawyers using state lawyers and enforcement. We also have a separate family court for high wealth families), and better lawyers (if you decide to hire or consult with them) 

If you deep in your heart feel justice is not being served. Exhaust all avenues. 

If they make major mistakes that cost your child's rights then these "professionals" can be reported to their governing bodies, better bureau, local media, etc.