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It Was Nice While It Lasted

CastleJJ's picture

The first five or so days of SS10's two week visit were nice while they lasted. Now he is back to his typical entitled, rude, and condescending self. My parents invited us to join them on a 4 day camping trip to an island tourist destination in our state. Here are the highlights of SS' behavior during this trip.

• One of my parents' friends lives on the island and was showing us around. We rode our bikes past the school, where he informed us only 90 kids total are enrolled K-12. He joked with SS that with classes that small, SS had a good chance of being top of the class. SS rolled his eyes and responded "I'm already top of my class." I shot SS a look and said "You may be academically advanced and not struggle in school, but it doesn't mean you have to brag about it." He just rolled his eyes again. 

• The campground we are camping at was hosting players of a huge soccer tournament this weekend. We were all sitting in the hot tub with kids and parents of the soccer team. I was talking to one of the Moms about the tournament and they said it's co-ed. SS immediately states "I could never play with girls." Everyone in the hot tub falls silent. DH calls SS out saying, "yeah that's because they would kick your butt." SS is clearly embarrassed and DH knew he did his job. The Mom asked if SS played soccer, to which he replied "Soccer, Football, and Basketball." The Mom looked at us as if we were nuts for doing all that. DH caught the look and said "He lives in x with his Mom who encourages participation in sports." The Mom caught our drift, realizing it wasn't us doing this to SS. 

• The island we went to has very little wildlife; reports say there are only 3 deer total and a few varieties of smaller animals. SS questioned why there was no wildlife. My Mom explained that there was no way for animals to get to the island unless they swim, fly, or walk across the lake when it freezes over. The whole time we were there, we literally saw one squirrel, that's it. On the phone with BM and GF today, SS tells them that he saw deer, squirrels, raccoons, and more, but that my Mom said animals weren't on the island and clearly she was wrong. BM and GF encouraged him, saying that of course animals were on the island and that large hawks must have dropped them there. SS claimed that since God made the island, God made sure wildlife was on the island. Whatever. BM showed her true stupidity though, asking SS why we didn't take my parents' 46 foot fifth wheel weighing 23,000 lbs, camping on the island. Well BM, how would we take an RV to an island that doesn't allow motor vehicles, and doesn't have land access? You can't take an RV (especially one of that size) on a small ferry or plane... Duh. 

• SS decided he wanted to buy a souvenir (later to find out they are for BM and GF). At the store, SS picked out a souvenir from a $5 bin. The cashier rang up the item and told SS it was more than $5 and that someone must not have wanted the item and dropped it in the bin. SS proceeded to argue with the clerk, demanding the item at $5. DH gave SS a stern look and told SS that the store clerk is right and SS either buy the item at full retail price or leave the store empty-handed. SS bought the item and left. On today's call, BM and GF told SS they were proud of him for that and that he should have fought harder to "negotiate." They said that it was the shop's mistake and that they should have honored the price. GF went on to say that due to SS' limited budget, they should have just given it to him. Umm no, if I want something, I either save up for it or don't get it; I don't expect the world to just give me what I want at a price I can afford. That is not how the world works. 

• Most of the trip, SS kept talking about how BM and GF are so financially well-off and how we aren't. Now mind you, we were with my parents on this trip and my parents have money; my Dad worked hard his whole life to create a thriving business and my parents definitely identify as upper class. My parents and I have never let money define us and we aren't the bragging type. Anyway, SS keeps talking about money. I went into a really nice store and found a pullover sweatshirt that I really liked that was $100. My Dad offered to buy it for my upcoming birthday. I told my Dad "No," that it was too much. SS keeps going on and on about how rich they are. My Dad proceeds to buy me the shirt, a bag and the matching duffel at the tune of $800 total, saying I deserved it because as a new Mom and just in general, I don't do anything for myself. SS' mouth fell to the floor at the final price. I told my Dad "Thank you," completely baffled by the experience. SS didn't bring up money again after that. 

• We drive a 3 row, 7 passenger SUV. While out driving around, SS and my Mom sat in the third row. I told SS to give my Mom the seat with more leg room. He ignored me, sitting in that seat. DH got firm with him and said "isn't that the seat with more leg room?" SS got cocky and responded "they have the same amount of space." DH told him "No" and made him move. SS got mad. Every time we got out of the car and back in, SS would go to that seat and the argument would start all over again. 

I could go on and on. SS never said "Please" or "Thank you" for anything. He argues about every single thing and always has to be right. He couldn't be bothered to hold doors. He has no respect for his elders or anyone else for that matter; the world revolves around SS always. SS comes back for another 2 weeks at the end of June. I told DH that I may take DD and go visit my Grandma for a few days because I cannot stand this attitude for another full two weeks. 

The funny thing is, with all of this superior attitude and macho behavior, belittling and making fun of others, I caught SS intently watching Sesame Street while it was playing for DD4months in the car. When I turned it off to take DD inside, I heard SS go "Awe man." Really?! Sesame Street is cool? I just don't understand this kid. 

Comments

dragonfly878's picture

That's ROUGH. Sorry to hear it shook out that way... it's so hard because it sounds like you, your DH and the whole family tried to do something really special. I'd be pissed. Thank your lucky stars you only have to deal with this 6 weeks a year (which is a sad thing to say).... this is literally half of my life with SS14. I know it's not easy especially when they make it this weird competition with BM's family and all you really want to do is have a good time.

Good for your DH putting him into his place with the soccer remark... it sounds like he gets it and doesn't put his son (and his shi**y behavior) on a pedestal.

Do you think he's almost trying to sabotage his time with you out of jealousy of his new sister?

CastleJJ's picture

No, I don't think DD has anything to do with it. He has been doing this for the past two or so years, as he has gotten older, but it keeps getting worse as he grows. He is a spitting image of BM and GF. It's almost like he views himself as an equal to adults, so he feels he can be this way. 

SS only "enjoys" his time with us when we do fun stuff. If we stop for 5 minutes, he says "I'm bored." DH has told him repeatedly that down time is a part of life. This week, DH and I have to work, so he will be bored a lot. We aren't catering to him; we know BM and GF sure don't. It's clear BM has told SS that our house is the "vacation home," so SS expects it to be non-stop fun. 

I never thought I would say it, but yes, I am thankful we only have 6 weeks per year. I used to want as much time with SS as possible, but not anymore. I'm over it. Him, BM, and GF are made for each other. 

dragonfly878's picture

The whole "viewing himself as equal to adults" thing... its real and it's awful. SS14 used to dictate my weekends. I put a swift end to that.

Sorry you're going through this... I think once you have a kiddo of you own it's almost like the realization hits that life doesn't need to be this complicated.

CastleJJ's picture

It doesn't have to be this complicated and that's the problem. BM, GF, and SS all like to make things far more complicated than it has to be. I just don't want to deal with the dysfunction anymore. 

MissK03's picture

It is almost like something clicks in him where he feels he has to act like that to appease BM. The lying about the animals thing is odd.. He is trying to make the trip sound better but put it down at the same time to BM. 

He can't show he loves you guys. He starts out good then it changes.. very sad. SS is going to really start to suffer as he is gets older... Seems he is always going to be in a mental struggle to sound cooler, smarter, etc even at 10. BM is destroying him. She stole is youth and innocense.  

I am sorry this happened this way. 

CastleJJ's picture

I keep trying to remind myself that he is only a kid in a tough situation, but the issue is that kids become adults and I know how this will end; SS will grow up to be a Grade A narcissist like BM and I don't want any part of that. If DD grew up to be half the person SS is, I would kick her butt. My DD will grow up showing respect, kindness, and understanding. We try time and time again to not put SS in the middle, but with BM making everything a competition of the households, we can't prevent it. BM doesn't know how to raise a kid; she was a kid when she had SS, so she can only raise him as her equal. I know he will have severe mental health issues in his teen years from everything, but all I can say is "oh well." I can't put anymore energy into this situation. 

shamds's picture

If all stores handed freebies to people who didn't have enough cash on them at the time, they wouldn't be in business.

when you raise kids without consequences or an inflated sense of worth, cocky, entitled and rude is all you'll get.

i remember ss20 expecting to be in front passenger's seat. When i was sitting there and buckled up he proceeds to open the door and stare at me confused with a look like "get out thats my seat"

hubby tells him off "clearly your stepmum is in that seat so move"

CastleJJ's picture

I'm just baffled by the entitlement of all 3 of them - BM, GF, and SS. They are what is wrong with the world. 

CastleJJ's picture

UPDATE: I don't know what is happening. This evening, he went back to being sweet again. He was almost on the brink of tears and clearly conflicted. He has been saying "Please" and "Thank you" and is being the way we would expect him to be; not demanding, entitled, or rude. I swear it's like Jekyll and Hyde. I don't know what to make of it, but I also don't want to fall for it and be played a fool either. 

dragonfly878's picture

When he was almost on the brink of tears- did you probe at all to see what was up? What's difficult is that it sounds like BM and GF have absolutely no boundaries with this kid. While in your home you and your DH are clearly the adults and if he tries to be a mini adult I'm sure he hates it- but in some ways appreciates it becuase if you're the adults it makes him the kid that he GETS to be for this time in his life. 

IMO- I'd just keep doing what you're doing. Never badmouth BM or GF infront of him (I'm sure you don't but I'd be extra hawkish about that) so that way he can never say that you or DH have talked poorly about BM or GF. Someday he will grow up and all you can do is hope that he will see that if nothing else you and DH were consistent. 

CastleJJ's picture

He was just randomly on the brink of tears. There was no rhyme or reason to it. He had talked to BM and GF on the phone but that was several hours before this. We asked him what was wrong and if he wanted to talk about it. He just said "No, nothing is wrong." We pressed a little harder, but he wouldn't budge. We just left it alone and told him if he wanted to talk about it, to let us know. 

We never bad mouth BM or GF and if we do, we make sure he is so far out of range, he could never hear it. I will usually vent to DH at night, long after SS is sleeping or when SS is in the shower. I hope he sees the truth one day, that we have been the stable ones who have always provided an emotionally safe environment for him, but I'm doubting that will be the case. 

I guess we will have to see how the next 5 days go and see which version of SS we get. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

The way you describe this, it's almost like who you all see (the sweet, normal kid) is really him. But when others are around, he has to turn on the person that BM and GF expect him to be - entitled and "better than everyone else". He may not like being that person, but it's who he has been parented by BM and GF to be. He probably knows it irritates DH but isn't sure how to turn it off.

We saw similar with the SKs, particularly YSK. How they acted with ET was vastly different than how they acted with DH, and DH called them out on it repeatedly. YSK was more the babied type, and they hold a lot of guilt for behaving that way (and we've had to reassure them that it's okay, they were young, etc).

It's really hard not to look at these kids and assume the worst. The best thing your DH can do is parent SS how he wants and thinks SS should be parented. SS will either secretly appreciate it or he'll rebel against it. Either way, DH is teaching him skills he needs to have whethet he uses them or not. That's all DH can really do.

CastleJJ's picture

That's what we try to do. We just parent SS how we would parent any of our kids and he can either take it or leave it. I just hope it makes a difference someday, but fully expect that it won't. 

advice.only2's picture

Ahh the pre-teen years where they are absolute little sh@ts one minute and then kind and loving the next.  I have been through this stage three times now and it never gets any easier.  I know it doesn’t help he’s got a craptastic BM and SM who encourage him to act superior, but  right now most of what you are describing is pre-teen stuff.  

Elea's picture

My SDiablas were the worst teens ever as far as entitlement, snotty/snarky, plain rude and viewing themselves as peers to adults. BM actually told them that they are smarter than her and DH. Barf, no lady, they are smarter than YOU. A dead log is smarter than you tho so that isn't saying much. 
We finally shipped YSD off to boarding school for a year. Highly recommend. Or summer camp? 
As a child, I can't tell you how many summers I spent entertaining myself and my siblings when I was a kid but those were the good old generation X when children were still expected to have some self help skills and be capable of self-reliance.