Family Loss & Steplife (UPDATE)
Grandma CastleJJ is still with us. We have spent hours upon hours sitting with her, trying to soak up our final moments with her. It has been a devastating few days and I can't keep it together.
DH checked in with BM tonight to see if SS wanted to be involved in saying goodbye. Grandma is barely coherent so we wanted to make sure SS had the opportunity if he wanted it, before it is too late. BM said that SS was uncomfortable with the idea of saying goodbye to Grandma because he isn't close with her. She said he feels bad for us but that's the extent of it. BM said we will stick to our normal call schedule from here on out. I knew the kindness and generosity was short-lived.
This upsets me. I understand my emotions are high so I may be a little irrational. I get that SS hasn't physically seen my grandma in a few years, but he does Facetime with her and he has voiced memories of her recently. In June, he asked us if we could take a trip to visit her next summer. So all of this just feels off and I believe BM and GF minimized it like I thought they would.
This kid was more upset over his pet rabbit dying than losing a person who had a decent impact on his life and someone he viewed as a grandparent. Hell, SS lost GF's grandma a few years ago, who probably had the same level of involvement as my Grandma, and he was devastated for months. Makes me wonder how SS would feel or react if someone else from DH or my family died, someone he actually is really close to. Would he be upset or would BM and GF just find a way to minimize it and make the loss irrelevant because it isn't their family? Are we always going to come in second place on the family food chain?
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Comments
SS is under the complete
SS is under the complete control of BM and GF while he's there. He's going to say and do whatever gets him through the day. Think of it like he's in prison and doing what he has to do to survive.
He's A Child
and as Rumplestiltskin said, under the heavy influence of BM. I know it hurts though. In my time married to DH, I lost my sister, 10 year old nephew, two brothers and my mom. Not one f-ing word from DHs kids. And while I really have never had much of a connection to them, one would think they'd have at least sent a card (but I do remember when we lost a family member (DHs side) overseas that the oldest daughter was quick to send flowers internationally and made sure to tell DH his name was on the card (of course, not mine).
After the first incident, I wrote off expecting any decency from DHs kids. Your SS is still a child and as said, being PAS'd by the BM and GF. You will need to begin prepping your heart.....and not expect any reaction from him when anyone passes on your or DHs side, at least until he's an adult. AT that point, you can determine if the PAS has completely infiltrated him or if he's strong enough to over come it.
I'm so sorry, CastleJJ. Sorry that you are having to endure such horrid and disgusting behavior by anyone but especially your SS. Sending you a virtual hug.
I know you both are right. I
I know you both are right. I've been with DH for almost 11 years and have been in SS' life since he was 10 months old; in many ways, my family is SS' family. He has known all of them for his whole life so I think I expected at least some sort of reaction.
I know he is being heavily PASed. I started protecting my heart with almost everything else related to steplife about 3 years ago, like not expecting recognition on holidays or birthdays unless DH helps SS, not expecting appreciation, expecting the vast difference in comfort level and behavior between our house and BMs, expecting allegations of abuse from BM, etc. This is the first loss DH or I have had that would have impacted SS so I wasn't sure what to expect. Next time I know to not include him.
He has
Stockholm syndrome. I would be prepping for the point when he totally PASes out. Sadly Parental Alienation is not prosecuted and punished as the criminal child abuse that it is. Very sorry to hear about your Grandmother. At least she has your side of the family to rely upon to comfort her.
I'm sorry about your grandma.
I'm sorry about your grandma... Death is never easy. As for SS... Exactly what Rumple said .. I think you really need to work on letting go your emotions surrounding your expections of him. You know the control he is under, you know what to expect... don't let yourself get disappointed anymore.
It is hard.. I know first hand. I live with my skids 24/7 for years and I don't get basic acknowledgement... I blame SO.
When a woman that passed away almost 4 weeks ago (who was like a mom to me that skids knew her) neither SS20 (who I don't even speak to so whatever) nor SS18 said a word to me. SD16 gave me a hug and said she was sorry the day she died.
She passed on a Tuesday so on Saturday we were leaving for her services and I said to SS18 did your dad tell you about said woman... he goes yeah I'm sorry. Had I not said anything to him I don't think he would have said anything.
I later got really upset about this and caused us to fight later that night.
My SO naturally made excuses.. and now I know that it really doesn't matter in the end... who they become as people (our skids) we have ZERO control of...
Unfortunately for you and your DH.. BM and GFs pull on SS is to great... save yourself the pain, focus on DD and DH.
Edit: her death was unexpected too. She was 66, had a stroke and didn't come of it. So it was a devastating loss for me.
Im so sorry!
((hugs))
When I told SDnow24 Feral Forger my mother had lung cancer, in a tearful manner, she just rolled my eyes at me. Nothing. No empathy nada.
Im sorry you are going through this - it hurts on many different levels.
My condolences JJ.
It may be that SS is upset and BM is just interceding in the communication. Do not ascribe BM's statement to the SS until you are sure that SS is the one actually taking the position that BM says he is.
$5 says that SS does feel
$5 says that SS does feel pain in this regard, but BM is punishing that pain by not letting SS express it, as well as twisting the knife against you because she's a B. My guess, too, is if he didn't show the right level of sadness at GF's GM's passing, he'd be punished in some way.
I learned a long time ago that anything I heard from ET that "the kids said" was likely entirely fabricated or a huge exaggeration of the truth. It just really depended on how much it suited her.
I'm not saying you can't be upset or disappointed. You are dealing with a lot of emotions, so it is entirely reasonable. Just don't assume the worst of SS because of something BM said. She is going to spend the rest of his life trying to make it fit into what she wants. He will eventually learn that comes at a great cost, but right now he is stuck dealing with it.