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Toxic MIL

CastleJJ's picture

DH's Mom (My MIL) is toxic. She reminds us exactly of BM. DH doesn't have a relationship with her outside of seeing her at extended family functions and a text on birthdays/Christmas. MIL constantly blames me for this, instead of acknowledging how her own behavior led to this type of relationship. 

We were at a joint birthday party last week with BIL, SIL, their kids, other BIL, MIL and her boyfriend. MIL gives DH a birthday card with a $50 check for SS12's birthday - MIL spelled SS' last name wrong. DH thanked MIL for it. DH and I decided that we would cash the check and replace the check with a $50 bill, so MIL didn't have an outstanding check sitting uncashed from her account until SS arrives in 3 months (MIL is weird about money that way). DH and I also agreed if we sent the check home with SS, BM would likely cash it and keep the money. This was the best alternative. When we got home, I deposited the check into our joint bank account and replaced it with a $50 bill and put the card in SS' room. 

Today, MIL texts DH asking why I "cashed SS' check and stole the money." DH called MIL and lit her up. He explained why we did it the way we did and that we have joint finances and a joint bank account. MIL asked DH "what gave him the right to do that without consulting her?" DH slammed that SS is a minor and DH is his Dad, that he has decision making authority, not MIL. MIL backpedaled saying that her kids always cashed their own checks so she was mad to see my signature and not SS'. DH explained that SS is a minor with no bank account (which we cannot legally set up per our CO, nor do we have the same last name as SS). DH told MIL that we could have sent the check home to BM in 3 months and let BM have the money. MIL argued some more and DH finally hung up, but not before MIL cried "why do you always get so defensive when it comes to CastleJJ?" 

I have always been the "problem" to MIL, yet I have always been the one who has done the most for that family. I told DH that we are putting MIL in time out. She won't hear or see us for a while as punishment for her own stupidity. I'm done with toxic relationships. 


Stepdrama2020's picture

Oh my looks like she turns anything and everything into a problemo, and you are the scapegoat. What a major B. Like you would steal SS's $50? What a cow. 

Im glad though to read that your DH has your back. At least you can have solace in that fact.

Dang Id get a dart board with her picture in the middle. My bet you would hit the bulls eye every dang time.

Blessings to peace as MIL is placed in time out from you.

thinkthrice's picture

With these men's mothers?  TV always makes jokes about the wife's mother (i can understand that i.e. the Girhippo's BM, Battleaxe Galactica)  but it seems to me that these men's mothers don't know their place and are constantly stepping on their DIL's toes.

I wouldn't dream of acting that way with AwesomeDIL.  

Lillywy00's picture

MIL asked DH "what gave him the right to do that without consulting her?" DH slammed that SS is a minor and DH is his Dad, that he has decision making authority, not MIL. MIL backpedaled saying that her kids always cashed their own checks so she was mad to see my signature and not SS'.


MIL cried "why do you always get so defensive when it comes to CastleJJ?"

Sounds like that was one of the main problems ... she simply got triggered seeing your name on the check 

Next time let that check hang for three months then cash it on the 89th day right before it expires since she acting like a dumbfounded and annoying Grandmommy warbucks. 

Or tell her it's 2024 quit writing checks like this is 1952 and to these kids and give them cash, gift cards, or Apple Pay. Lol! 

My breeders mother was slick toxic and enabled her son to be a statistic (deadbeat dad who procreates with multiple women then leaves a trail of broken homes) all because she was jealous of other  women having a life with her son that she was never able to obtain with her own man. 

Unfortunately some of these unsavory mothers are so miserable they drag others down with them even sabotaging their own sons. 

CastleJJ's picture

MIL kept saying "she doesn't know how things are now, but way back when that's not how things were done" to try to justify the situation. FIL (her ex-husband) said they had separate bank accounts and MIL was secretive with her money, and ended up stashing away FIL's money too before she filed for divorce so no wonder she has so much distrust. She must think all women are as unfaithful and conniving as her. DH laughed and said next time he will send the check home with SS, knowing BM will take it and then MIL can see BM's signature on the check (who she hates even more than me). 

My friend suggested DH mail MIL a voided $50 check from us and in the memo line put "for all your pain and suffering" as an F you. 

DH and I both agreed that if our parents need help or to move in in old age, FIL, StepMIL, and my parents are always welcome. MIL can move in with one of her other two golden sons or go to a nursing home. No sympathy here. 

grannyd's picture

Good grief, Hon! Bad enough that you got saddled with the worst BM on this site, you seem to have also drawn the short straw where MILs are concerned. Are you starting to feel like Job? Dash 1

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I was just coming to say the same thing! I have known for a long time that she has one of the worst BM's - but didn't realize just how awful MIL was too. I am so sorry!

CastleJJ's picture

It would be way worse if DH was close to MIL. He isn't and never has been. It makes it way easier when I may see her once a year for 4 hours or get a "Merry Christmas" text on Christmas. MIL has always been focused on finding her next man (to mooch off of) to care about her kids.  If she were anymore present in our lives than that, it would be a different story. I am very lucky to have a wonderful FIL and StepMIL (who I consider my real MIL) who we see often and always enjoy spending time with. 

thinkthrice's picture

MIL: "Why are you so defensive of CastleJJ?"

DH:  "Because she's the first non-toxic female I've had in my life; I've successfully broken the cycle of you and BM."

dragonfly878's picture


Lillywy00's picture

MIL: "Why are you so defensive of CastleJJ?"

"Because that's my wife!"

But sounds like he handled her well by hanging up on her lol


I told DH that we are putting MIL in time out. 

Good. And good thing your husband is supportive of you because he know his mother's annoying tendencies. 

I typically have a soft spot for the elderly but when my breeder's mother enabled her son to be a conniving lying deadbeat making excuses for ruining his kids life instead of correcting his unsavory behavior .... I was so sick of her sh*t too that  by this point that I just out of the blue with no warning revoked her grandparent privileges. 

Play stupid games ... win stupid prizes. 

Gotta come correct over here (or don't come at all)! You gone learn today ho3!

Harry's picture

Sent it to  MIL   Telling she is on her own. You will not be the in between. She can mail the check to BM house. 

Winterglow's picture

"MIL cried "why do you always get so defensive when it comes to CastleJJ?"

"Because you keep attacking her."

strugglingSM's picture

After DH and I got engaged, MIL told DH that she and BM had a long talk and they both agreed that I'm the problem. They both agreed that BM and DH were "good friends" before I showed up. 

Then MIL told DH (in front of me) that DH needed to make BIL the executor of his will so SSs would "get what is rightfully theirs." DH had no assets at the time. He was so broke after the divorce that he had to live with MIL. 

DH told me more recently that when MIL met BM, she said, "she's perfect for you! She's just like me!" And I said to DH, "and you didn't run for the hills after that?"

I think many terrible marriages were created by terrible mothers. My MIL is so emotionally immature and manipulative that I find it difficult to even be in the same room with her, which fortunately, happens very rarely. She complains about never seeing our kids, but she is rarely around (for example, she decided to extend her winter stay in Florida to miss Easter with us) and when she is around our children she seems annoyed with them. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

It's a common theme that dysfunction goes back generations. The combo of MIL and BM seems to be a particularly painful one. 

Rags's picture

Idiots need to be shredded.  Idiots do not get to decide who the problem is no matter how many idiots gather to tag that lable on anyone. Invariably, the idiots would not know "the problem" if it bit them in the ass.