Please help me.....Advice needed asap!
My SD9 has been with my husband and I since she was 2. Her mother left her with him and just recently came back into her life about a year ago. We had her full time up until she came back and now it's jsut every other week. He never sees any wrong in anything she does but yet wants to discipline our 3 year old allllllllll the time. I tell him it's not fair to treat them differently although I still support him disciplining our son if he's being bad. Seems as if my husband wants our son to be more independent than his daughter which makes absolutely no sense to me. Everytime I mention something she does he compares her to my older son 12 and it completely annoys me. For example I recently made a rule that even though the kids are out of school they are to be in their rooms not in bed by 11pm and if they couldn't abide then they could simpyl go to bed at that time. To my knowledge my son 12 has maybe broken the rule once at which I said something to him. My SD-9 constantly breaks it and nothing is ever said. To be honest she is the whole reason I made the rule because she was coming to our bedroom all hours of the night, latest being 2am just to say hello and wave or to say I love you or goodnight. These were nights when I had to be up at 7am for work mind you our 3 yr old sleeps in the bedroom with us (in a toddler bed) and she could potentially awake him when she does this. He never supports me when I tell her stuff, never has my back. I made a rule for HER once no drinks/juices at bedtime because she was peeing the bed and stated she felt that she had to pee but didn't get up because she didn't feel like it and my husband said I was being unfair to allow my son to do it and not her, but again she was the one peeing the bed. He doesn't try to teach her independence at all. Recently made another rule for her once again no drinks or food in the bedroom because she had so many wrappers and plastic from juice straws, qtips from removing nail polish, tissue she blew her nose with, cups lined all on her dresser and would not clean behind herself. Am I being unreasonable, please tell me. I feel like I'm jsut trying to have structure and some rules may apply to her and not my oldest if he doesn't have the problems she has if that makes sense. My husband is so defensive and it really is putting a damper on our marriage. She once got in trouble at school for playing in another childs food and he laughed about it and said maybe the teacher was mistaken on what she saw. Told my husband I felt that she may even have a learning disability. She put a coat on the other night (after recently playing in the pool) to come outside and I asked wtw she had one on when it was hot outside and she said she forgot it was hot outside. When it's dark she asks if it's night time yet. She has had her closet light on every night at bedtime since we moved in our home 4 years ago because "she's afraid of the dark" but my husband said he felt like it was running the electric bill up too high when I used a space heater to heat the room up for a few minutes to bathe our newborn son?! She leaves her TV on all night along with the closet light. She can be in her room and you can hear her all the way in our bedroom on the other end of the house and my husbands excuse is she's jsut being a kid and it's normal (mind you I'm doing my homework). He will say our son is making noise but our son is 3.......I repeat 3 and he doesn't make half the noise she does. She will bring her laptop and sit at the kitchen island while I'm doing homework and sit there and laugh uncontrollably while I'm trying to concentrate on school work and he says nothing. I don't wanna go on vacations with her anymore because she always whines or pouts when things don't go exactly how she wants them too. If were riding in the car and she's hot she expects the air to be blasted on high even if it means freezing everyone else, if she's cold she expects the air to be turned off even if everyone else has to sweat otherwise you can hear her continuously sigh for her daddy's attention! I just don't know what to do anymore.....please help! I feel like I'm losing my mind, my peace, my sanity, my husband!
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Comments
Mini-wife
Sounds like he is grooming her to be a mini-wife.
You need to stand a bit stronger.
Welcome to this site! I encourage you to read through all the posts and look up mini-wife. It sounds like your husband is elevating his child above you, his spouse. Perhaps he has Guilty-Dad syndrome because hes not full time at the moment. He needs to stop this because:
1. Hes not really doing her any favors. She will be a spoiled brat that no one wants to be around. Sounds like she already is. If its bugging you NOW, it will eventually drive you insane.
2. Hes failing his relationship to YOU, by creating and elevating mini-wife who will not be able to function as a normal adult in the future.
3. If she is learning impaired, she needs HELP, not favoritism.
4. The other children will become resentful of her and HIM also.
I Agree
Sad part is this is actually better than it used to be. She used to fall out in the floor kicking and screaming if she couldn't get her way and he'd do nothing, kick the back of my seat while we were driving down the road, tell him no when he told her to do something. All that has subsided but she is still not mindful of anything I tell her to do or not to do and don't let me get started on his mother my God she acts as if my SD is her and my husbands child and like my opinions or thoughts do not matter when it comes to the child. I honestly feel as if I want out (a divorce) alot of times but I love my husband with all my heart and I'm at a loss
MIL
Well that sounds unhealthy! Both my MIL and FIL have passed, so Im lucky there. MIL was very old, and would try to invite Toxic Troll to family gatherings.
As a step, I have accepted that there is only so much authority I can have with my SD. So have backed wAAAAAy off from having responsibility. Im adamant about "no authority? Ok, then no responsibility".
You CAN however stand up for yourself when she is getting rude, mean, violent, towards you or your children. No one should be abused in their own home.
Research mini-wife and repercussions.
Some sessions with a marriage
Some sessions with a marriage counselor could really help. You need a neutral professional (preferably one experienced in blended families, bonus if it's a SM) who can teach you and your H to communicate better, and hopefully give you some new tools with which to navigate steplife.
Your H sounds like he lacks the skills and understanding of what a parent's job actually is. Good parents tend to approach parenting as a mission with a clearly defined result (successful launch of a competent and independent adult) equaling success, but a lot of guilt ridden parents just do what makes them feel good.
How you talk about your SD is very important. No parent wants to have their kid critisized, and guilty parents are even worse. When you bring an issue to your H's attention, do you come from a place of concern? Do you emphasize that you have SD's best interests in mind? You're worried about SD; you want her to do well/succeed/be happy/ have friends and are concerned that she's not getting the help she deserves. SD is so intelligent, but you're anxious about her not getting the individual attention she needs, etc etc. I know it's a pain to have to police and choose your words, but it may help achieve the outcome you desire.
I do this
I always com from a place of concern and love. I tell him how much I love her and want her to be a good person which is why I try to provide structure and teach her to be responsible and respectful and that I'm not being rude and just complaining about her!
Been There
We've entertained the idea of counseling several times and he always says he will but we never actually have. I could write a book seriously!
You're not being unreasonable
You're not being unreasonable. You're being a good, responsible parent. He is the one screwing up and he will see the mistake he made when she grows into a teen. All I can really recommend is separating yourself from the situation. Disengage, in other words. My advice is to just focus on raising your kids and let him and his daughter handle it on their own. Yes it is annoying and favoritism sucks but these defensive dads are the worst ones to deal with. They are blinded by guilt and they to make it up to these kids when they are actually hurting/stunting their growth. You set equal base rules for all the children in the house and if one child is having more difficulty than the rest then other measures need to be taken to get that one child on track. If she is too lazy to go to the restroom then of course she should be given a different set of rules ( or consequence in this case) until she can get it together.
My husband does/did this. I like the structure, discipline, and respect our children have (they are all under 10) so I don't tell him to tone it down with them. I will compare how he parents them though and show him a big difference in the way they act and she acts, it usually upsets him.
Our kids together don't get away with anything and are extremely well behaved kids. SD on the other hand, is 14 and she was never held accountable for actions, never given structure, or any form discipline. She doesn't clean her room, she lies, is rude, manipulative, mean, has no personal responsibility, poor hygiene, and just treats everyone like crap in general. She has been like this since I met her at 3 years old but I thought she would grow out of it. It only got worse. My husband would let her get away with everything because he was scared she would cut him off and never see him again.
Your SD sounds a lot like mine, especially vacation wise. I absolutely cannot stand going on vacations because everything with her is an issue. If our kids have a complaint we say "we'll sometimes that happens in life we have to keep moving not let it ruin the day" and they are good to go. The whole world will end if SD gets only 1 pack of BBQ sauce from the drive thru instead of 2 and she is making the trip hell for the next 4 hours over some damn sauce. She complains about everything and can't adjust if it doesn't go her way.
I gave up a long time ago. If I asked her to do anything she would give me death glares the whole day, not speak, and just create tension in the house. So I told my husband it's not my job she isn't my kid so you handle it. He ended up just letting her do whatever because she would get mad at him. It gets annoying, especially when the little kids asked how come they had Saturday chores and SD got to sit on the couch on her phone while Dad did her chores.
I disengaged and let it go. It still annoyed me sometimes but she's not my kid. At the end of the day my kids will grow into responsible, good young adults and she will probably be couch surfing for several years like her mom has. All SD talks about is drinking, gossiping, and partying so I don't expect much from her when she is older. As of now letting SD do whatever she wanted because my husband didn't want her to cut him off backfired because she cut him off several months ago anyways. He has hardly had any contact with her and when he tried to put his foot down and actually parent her by telling her he was not going to let her call the shots she called the police on him. I tried to warn him. Good luck to you.
Woww!
I totally get what you're saying but the guilt part I can't see since he has been the main parent in her life since she was born. He shouldn't feel guilt her mother should. She sees our home as home not her mother's. He even said once he doesn't believe in spankings and alot of parents don't but dang give her some kind of discipline to let her know she's wrong and there are consequences to her actions. She came in our bedroom 4 times last night just to wave and say I love you to everyone seperately and say goodnight she was going to bed, 4 times!
Has he always been like this
Has he always been like this or has he changed since BM came back?
Always
Always been this way to a certain point and also ok's everything BM requests of him unless I'm aware of it and I say no. It's like I'm not included only his BM and mom! I'm only her mom when he needs me to be.
Speak of the devil. . . here
Speak of the devil. . . here is the link to a forum topic that just came up today.
https://www.steptalk.org/forum/general-discussion/possibly-dumb-question-263509
It is regarding, “Why do some people spoil their child/ren after separation/divorce? Is it a guilt thing? Or a one-upmanship thing? Or some type of over compensating? Are they aware of what they're doing?”
Additionally, there are other links in that topic that take you to even more input from “professionals.” Good luck!
Why is custody 50/50?
Why is custody 50/50?
Is this behavior new since bm has been back?
Agreement
In the beginning from the time she was 2 til 7 we had her full time and her mom would sometimes go a month or more before she would see her which would on ly be on weekends. She moved closer to home and demanded every other week at first he said no and threatened to get a lawyer but eventually just let her have her way! We bought all clothes, food, and paid for her hair to be done when needed alllllll the time and everytime this child would have a birthday it would always be where and how BM wanted it to be and he would just follow suit and pay for almost everything. He is so humble and hates drama which is the reason I think he does this with BM but dang sometimes I feel like a sidechick and she's the wife. He call me out on everything he dislikes about my actions but will let her have her way. If she does something and I ask him how he feels about me saying something to her he'll suggest a way for me to say it so as to keep peace but will let her act accordingly, pisses me off sometimes!
I feel your frustration momma
I feel your frustration momma ! Step kids can feel like annoying roommates . Dads have this idea that a woman should simply be able to be all these things a mom is meant to be... patient , loving ... etc but it doesn't work that way when you're responsible for another woman's child. Biology plays a huge role in what we're able to tolerate from children. there is a burning love and passion for our bio kids that Is comepltly absent in the relationship with step kids. I feel your pain and just know during these trying times the job of a step mother is literally gods work , it's very karmic work we're doing here ! We will never get the direct credit we deserve and that can make my blood boil . But we have to stay strong and try to be as loving as possible I guess