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HelpMeStepParent's picture

Hello I'm new here. I met my now husband 12 years ago. At the time he had one son and him and his ex had just split up when we met. We dated and I got pregnant from him after a few months. He left me and got back with his ex without saying anything I found out because he wouldn't answer my calls. I went through the pregnancy on my own. He never called us. When my son was 2 him and his ex broke up even though they had another son together who was a few months old. He then contacted me out of the blue wanting to finally be involved with my son. We went to court and he got only visitation rights. After a year we tried things out again and ended up getting back together, moved in together and got married. We then had 2 more children together. (His son is now 13, our son 11, his son 9, our daughter 6, our son 1) We've never stopped having problems. His BM is impossible to co parent with although she has a boyfriend and a baby from him. She's never liked me and has made it super hard on us. We have 50/50 custody of the boys. My problem is that my oldest stepson is turning out to be just like his mother and I cannot stand it. He is greedy, selfish, defiant, lies, and is manipulative. In our home he is the only one with his own bedroom, he only wants to wear named brand clothes and always wants the latest shoes. His mother receives child support but is always having my husband buy them everything they want/need, the backpacks for school, we pay school lunches, health insurance, shoes, clothes, we pay for sports, has us take them to school even on her days. He always tries to make smart comments at me and is disrespectful, if I raise my voice at him he tells his mom and she calls my husband to complain. I dread when it's time for them to come, I always think what problems are we going to have now. The 9 year old is NOW easier to talk to and still listens to what I tell him (he used to be the biggest brat). So when I approach my husband about the older ones behavior he gets super defensive and says I'm just picking on him and we get into a huge argument and won't talk for days in a row. I think to myself how much more of this can I take, then I say only 5 more years before he turns 18 but I don't want to waste my life waiting until he's 18, I think of leaving my husband but then i don't think it's fair for our children. My husband always tells me that I knew what I walked into when I married him because he already had 2 children and it hurts because I don't think that's a fair statement, he had 3 children (including my son) And I got back With him for my son. I now think I made a huge mistake and wonder what my life would have been like if I didn't get back with him. Idk if I should be strong and get a divorce or stick it out and countdown the years until his children move out. I need help. 


EveryoneLies's picture

I might want to think about the reason why you want to "stay."

Do you just want to stay in the marriage because it's not fair to your son? Or do you want to stay because you love your husband? If it's just for your son, he's not going to lose his father just because you guys split. If your son lose his dad it's only because your DH might be a real jerk..

And if you guys have 50/50 custody why is your DH still paying child support? On top of that all the "wants" of your SS are not "needs," your DH needs to learn to say no.

Mandy45's picture

Well dh sounded like a jerk from the start. A lot of people are often like we need to stay together for the kids. Kids take a long time to grow up. When your ss turns 18 there is no guarantee he just going to get a job and move out. Especially when he got it so good at home. You just need to do what right for you. Weigh up the good and bad. Every scenario that may and may not happen. Draw your line.  Decide what to do from there. Dont just put what happening today into account but what going happen in the future with these sk and dh. If it not what you pictured in your future.  I would leave. 

Kes's picture

Why spend years of your life "sticking it out"?  Problems most certainly do not end when a child reaches 18 - just read in the  Adult stepkid sections here to realise that.  Personally I would never stay with anyone who refused to speak to me for days.  I tolerated my ExH not speaking to me for 2 whole years and regret that enormously.  

tog redux's picture

You got pregnant before you even knew this guy - apparently he lacked such character that he would abandon you and your child until it was convenient for him to return. Unfortunately, you let him in.  So you did kind of know what the situation was - not that he had two kids, but that he was lacking in character and willing to use women without taking any responsibility for his actions. I can't imagine that translates into being good husband material. I'm not surprised BM is impossible to coparent with given what DH did to her - getting someone else pregnant right after he left her, then returning to her only to leave her AGAIN for the same woman.  Not that I think she should carry that anger forever, but if she's the type to do so, it sure gives her "justification".

Anyway, you made a mistake here with this guy - accept that and let him go. The son is not the problem - DH is the problem.

Disneyfan's picture

The man was garbage from day one.  He treated BM and you like trash.  BM is giving him the hell he deserves.  Why you want to cling onto the awful man is beyond me.

It's interesting that you blame the SS's behavior solely on BM and give dad a free pass. BM may be giving the kid the green light to act the fool in your home, but the kid's behavior matches your husband's character. 


tog redux's picture

Hard to understand why two women would have been interested in this guy - and at the same time!  Why would BM have taken him back after he knocked up someone else, and why would OP take him back after he ghosted her and the kid for two years? People do strange things in the name of "love".

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

braclet wearing felon on probation for beating his pregnant wife.  She would say, "I just want to see the best in people."  Hmmm.  How being seeing the best in yourself?  How about wanting better for yourself and loving yourself?  Clearly SD's now ex boyfriend and your husband demonstrated their character, their values, and their morals.  Those three things fundamentally should tell you all you really need to know about a person.  Those things don't change.  You must ask yourself is his character, values, and morals acceptable to you.  Do you want him modeling those traits to your children?  

playdead's picture

Divorce as you know comes with alot of drama. I Know the feeling of just wanting to know what the f to do, it becomes like a hamster wheel you just can't get your mind off of.  Some men can be so incredibly selfish because essentially, you've trained them to be that way.  But don't ever beat yourself up. Find every way you can to lift yourself up. Love yourself. There are a million resources you can take advantage of. Use some of that mental energy you've been wasting on negativity and be proactive. I know its hard with a one year old, but one thing, commit to do just one thing a day. Write out an escape plan, talk to a friend, make yourself strong so if the time comes to get out you are totally ready. Take care of YOU.

Thumper's picture

Why did you pick him to begin with?

Is he a great dad, a GREAT son to his parents, A good worker, provider? Is sex really 'that great". Does he bring you home flowers every Friday? Bring cocktails by your fire? Rub your feet? Does he go to Mass every Saturday with the kids? Does he volunteer at the Senior Center? OR the  Animal shelter?  What was it about HIM?

OR was it that YOUUUUU wanted to show HIMMMMM that YOUUUUU could be a great mom to his kids? That YOU were much better than her? Then you got in tooo deep?

Perhaps you can build on the good OR or maybe it is too late? Only you can decide.



Siemprematahari's picture

Does this man not believe in condoms? He's out here spreading his seed between you and the now X and both of you took him back after he showed you his true colors. What's sad is that there are 5 children who are a product of all this f@ckery and you are wondering if leaving this crappy man is fair to your children?? I think the poor behavior that is being modeled to them all is not fair to them. 

Honey leave this mess and never look back. If not for you, for your kids. This man isn't no prize and not worth trying to "stick it out" and see if it will get better. It will never change. 

CLove's picture

He boomeranged between you and the "other woman" for YEARS, and left you to go through pregnancy alone and didnt contact you or have contact with his child for two YEARS. And now he has a his child, ours child, his child, ours child, ours child.

The rest is just fallout from this horrid beginning.

My best advice, firstly:

- Please read this post a few times over, along with the comments. This will help you see your current life more clearly.

- Read through other folks blog posts, this will help you see not just your past, and current life, but also your FUTURE life more clearly.

- I would get your ducks in a row NOW, and get out. He has shown you who he is, and he hasnt changed, he is simply becomming more himself over time.

- Think of your children...if you stay for them to have him in their lives full time then this is what will happen:

   1. They will model themselves after your H and their siblings.

   2. They will see you being miserable (unless there are some awesome things going on in your life you did not mention, this sounds miserable!) and will be stressed out as a result.

Truly it seems like staying is not going to go well for you, because your H is not treating you as a life partner.