You are here

Am I feeling like this because she’s not mine?

JBDmom's picture

It’s something I’ve vented about before, but I still find myself questioning and needing clarity on the subject. My SD turns 5 in a couple weeks, and I’m not sure if it is her age but she still begs my SO to sleep with her every night or tries to convince him to let her sleep in our bed. On top of her already coming into our room on weekends to come lay with him in the mornings. I get so annoyed when she crawls into our bed mostly because she keeps me up because she talks but also because half the time I don’t have all of my clothes on (I get hot flashes during the night due to my pregnancy). The lack of privacy for my own bedroom really bothers me but I’m not sure if it’s because she’s older or because she’s not my child. It makes me so uncomfortable the same with her constantly begging him to sleep with her or lay with her. I plan on having my son stay in my bedroom while he’s little and that also becomes a problem with her coming into the bedroom whenever she wants and being loud. 

Comments

SMto2's picture

Honestly, if she were your DD, she would have grown up seeing you in various stages of being undressed. In my experience, things with other kids that get on your nerves do not have that effect when it's your bios. They are almost never seen as "intruders." If she were your DD, chances are, she'd want YOU to lie down with her at night, and you'd happily oblige. My DH and I rotated with our boys lying down to go to sleep with them. Sometimes we were so tired we'd fall asleep in their beds waiting for them to fall asleep. lol. Your baby may want the same, and you probably will not think anything of it. No matter how people try to pretend, things ARE just different with a SK. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Cbarton12's picture

I think it's because she is not yours.

I don't have any bios. I have similar feelings about SD climbing into bed with us. I usually can't stand it

Aunt Agatha's picture

Of course it’s because she is a child that is not yours.  No child should be in bed where an adult is uncomfortable.

 

lay down the law - the bedroom is adult space, you are at risk of potentially being accused of something unsavory if the child reports you were in any way naked when they were in bed with you and that is your space to have sex with you SO.

These Disney Dads are so dumb.  Stop this now and regain your private space.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

This! There is no reason for a child who is not yours to be in bed with you - especially if you are not dressed. You are just asking for trouble. And I hear you about being to hot in bed - I can't sleep if I am too hot.

Left out mama's picture

I agree completely! The bed you share with SO needs to be adult space! I don’t like my SD8 climbing into our bed and I have told my SO this. 

It also kind of weirds me out that my SD wants to constantly snuggle with him.... that just seems kinda of old to want that. But I try and remind myself that for her it is a security thing... she has major abondenment issues because her mother is so absent... physically and emotionally 

I'm out's picture

When my daughter was younger she went on holiday with her dad and his gf, so my dd's sm I guess. When she came back and told me about it she mentioned she'd shared a bed at night with them. I found this so weird, that she'd slept in a bed with her sm.

Fast forward a few years to me becoming the sm and sd crawling into our bed and yep again just weird. I too didn't want her there because I had to cover up, although that wasn't the only reason I just thought it was uncomfortable and unnecessary. 

You're definitely not alone in not wanting a sk in your bed, you're allowed one place in the house that's yours surely, your safe haven.

Chmmy's picture

My preteen SS's were clumbing in bed with daddeeee for a while. Hell no. If he wants to cuddle with them, we have a bed in the guest room.

momjeans's picture

I think it’s a mix of she’s not your biological child and wanting to have healthy boundaries.

Skid was exactly like this at 5/6 years old too. BM only magnified the issue, because she’d rake DH over the coals for not cosleeping with skid, in her bed, at our house. Obviously, BM was drilling skid about the sleeping arrangements. 

I had a hard line in place that skid would NOT sleep in our bed - ever, so that put DH in a position to make a decision. The idea of someone else’s child in my bed icked me out. Still does. 

I think you should make your bedroom off limits to her. Even more so because you’re preparing to have a newborn in that room. 

fakemommy's picture

I think both. I can't sleep with kids in the bed, but also, she's not yours. I don't think kids should sleep in a bed with unrelated adults. When my own bios were this age, I did not want them in our bed, but I let them if they needed to. When skids were this age, they were not allowed in our room at all.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Honestly I don't think sleeping with the five year old or having her in your bed is healthy. Regardless of bio status. She's old enough to sleep alone. Doens't need to be sleeping with anyone else, has her own bed. Etc.

But I'm also not a fan of co-sleeping. So it may just be a personal preference.

Cover1W's picture

I haven't thought of this in a long time...my OSD when she was 9/10 used to come into the bedroom weekend mornings sometimes. In the summer I used to be naked. OSD said it was wierd that I didn't have PJs on. I said that it's my bed and she's choosing to come in. DH never did anything until OSD insisted on watching excerpts from The Parent Trap and I declared it over. Never happened again.