What the Princess wants
Well when my stepdaughter last visited (11 Yrs old) she cried hysterically to her mother that she didn't want to go.. usually the mother sides with her or will prior to pick up fabricate a story of why the child is not coming......but as this time the mother was going to OC to visit friends and party for the weekend so.... she was not giving the child her way....that would interfere with the mothers plans..soo... the child was told that she was going with her father and that she could miss the next visit ( every other weekend) My husband just sat in his car till the mother put the child in the car and on that note he tried to make the time with him sound so fun ....as I say he pulled out all of his cards.. the pool, the boat, the fair... and such. This I feel is not the right thing for him to do but....any way the last thing that her mother said to her was for her to make a list of the things that make her not want to go to her dad's house... so 18 days after her last visit( remember she got to skip one for crying like a baby) my husband said to me that he wants different curtains in the childs room, which is used as a spare room the other 26 days of the month that she is with her mother. I know the list of shit that the little princess has written down, I tore it out of her notebook when I read it and thought what a picky spoiled little brat. She doesn't like it that the curtains in her room are too thin and she has to wake up before 9 am --- she usually sleeps till 10:30 or so... I asked my husband why they were a problem when she used to wear a night mask to cover her eyes when she was in another bedroom in the house that was much darker than this new room??? He didn;t answer me and I just told him that I would hant a dark sheet over the curtain rod on the 4 nights a month that she stays here......now that will not be until sept 7 and I can;t wait to see if she complains about that. SO I an wondering how far I should go to fix or accomidate her things on her list... help me they are:
1- she hates that she has a twin bed she wants a Queen like at her moms and grandmas
2-She wants a different bed spread ; hers has cat hair on it
3-she doesn;t like the curtains
4-she doesn't like it that I have the pool supplies in her room- in the dresser in her room in the extra drawers I keep the pool towels sunscreen, goggles, bug spray etc.....
5-She wants a full wardrobe of clothes for this house- This is a topic that has been argued before #1 at 11 yrs old she wants to shop at Forever21 and Hot topic and we both agree that she is too young and that is what child support is for ...so that her mother can buy her clothes but her arguement is that she doesn't think she should have to pack a bag( and her mother agrees_)
6- She wants her dad to do stuff with just her and not the rest of the family..... everything that we do she protestt of jsut sits and sulks.
7- She also doesn't like it that our rules are too strict What should I do I feel like she needs to just come here and live as we do and when the princess goes back to the castle that she shares with her Queenie mother she can bark orders there. My kids don't tell me what to do so why should she?? I know what I want to do , but what limit can I go to that will not make me look like I am beomg a hateful bitch?? ~B~
I can see some of her point.
Not all of it tho. Trying to figure out a delicate way to say this but it almost appears that she is treated more like a "visitor" then a part of the household and family.
We also have an EOWeekend visisation with SD but she does have a room of her own, now I do understand that may not be practical for everyone and I understand if that is the case with you...
HOWEVER, I don't think it's unreasonable to make the "spare" room a lil more personal for her so she feels it is "her space" so to speak. I think in stepfamilies people tend to feel like they don't BELONG in the same manner as a bio family. Having a place that feels SAFE and like it is HERS may help her to feel more comfortable.
We ALSO pay full child support, however, we also provide clothes AND shoes etc for ALL the kids at our house. Not as many for the EOW one, but still she does have clothes at our house.
AND since she only comes EOW I can see how she would want SOME one on one time with her dad. In my case I have to PUSH and practically FORCE my DH to spend time with his daughter. She loves me, she loves doing things with me, she loves OUR (her and I) time together. But you know what? She has a DAD here that she sees SIX days a month. Yep only 6. OF COURSE she'd like and in fact NEEDS some "dad time"... I send them to do things. He'll tell me he's gonna run a couple errands do I wanna go along? NO... take SD spend some time with YOUR DAUGHTER... you BOTH need that. Now I'm not talking the WHOLE weekend, but an hour here an hour there... they do need that.
Some of her issues are rather petty and I most certainly do NOT think you should adjust your house rules to what she wants, but I do think there are a few LIL things you can do to accomodate her so that she feels part of your family... jmho...
It is what it is...
Wash her bedspread...
..and tell her tough shit on the others.
Please. My husband, retired Marine, used to have to pull out COTS that he slept on WHILE DEPLOYED for two of our five kids to sleep on because we lived in base housing and didn't rate enough bedrooms to put up real beds for all five of them. We had two boys in one room in bunk beds. The three girls had to share a room... the littlest was in her crib and we set up military cots for the older girls. And forget waking with the sun at 9am. They got to enjoy the two a.m. feeding cries along with the rest of us. It wasn't the best situation, but we all have to make do with what we have.
EOW is an odd duck. Kids do need to feel like they belong, but when you only get them EOW (and for us, not even that much) it's pretty obvious that it's not "home." It's sad, but true. My skids don't think of our house as their home, because they are never here. Even if I had the extra rooms and decorated them to the hilt, our home is not going to me their real home. So I'm going to make my spare room (I finally have one now!) neutral to serve the needs of the variety of family members who visit with us and use the space. Maybe let her help pick out new bedding or something to help her feel more at home when she's there, but the rest of her demands are ridiculous and probably not even feasible.
The one-on-one time with dad... I can go both ways on this one. My DH does make one-on-one time to talk with each of the kids, but when it comes to doing things, we do everything together as a family. I tend to think that if you single out the visiting kid for special treatment, it'll only feed their entitlement complex.
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
More u need to know
It takes two... 1. she does have her own room, we just added on to the house a year ago so that she could have her own room and not have to share with another child. It is decorated with her art work. jewelry box , pottery she had painted etc... It is her room I only use the one drawer of the dresser and the rest is filled with 3 jackets, slippers, and toys.
2. My son and I go out of our way to talk to her and she either ignores us or just stares at us... she is out right rude and has done that to both of us for the last 7 years.
3.As for the clothes... we can't afford to buy her the brands that she will only wear , she refuses to wear things from Target or Sears. She also only wants to wear clothing that is not age appropriate, her father can see that on his own thank god. She likes the stores that the bar flies shop at.
4. When we built her room she wanted the walls Hot pink and I said no way and she wanted a bed spread that was almost 100.00 ; everyone's in the house combined didn't cost that much.
Anne-- I agree that if she is singled out for special time that it will cause issues with my son, he already complains of the special behavior that is given to her when she is here. I think that when she comes here she is supossed to become a part of the family and she clearly is not having any of that.. She actually feeds off my son and husband asking her the same ?? over and over. As my son is getting older he is starting to realize that she is not being nice to him. And she needs to be thankful that she has a room of her own and forget about the damn color of the walls, but she dictates to the mother what she wants and the mother never has anything nice to say in our defense....
Ok then
no, I didn't know all that. My apologies...
But I do want to clarify that I wasn't saying she should spend the whole weekend just with her dad. I try to encourage my DH to spend alone time with SD mainly because he really does NOT spend hardly any time with her at all. Since I work my schedule and my work hours around all of the kids I spend ALOT of alone time with all of them. Sometimes just my two, sometimes just SD, sometimes the 3 together. DH does NOT spend time alone with any of them to speak of. Then he complains they don't listen, they don't respect him, etc and so on. He does not even KNOW any of these kids, let alone his own daughter.
I do still think he needs to do some LIL things with just her. But I also really encourage him to spend time with my son because they have a pretty strained relationship. AND I'm not talking about FUN stuff, take them with you when you are running errands for the rental properties, or when you work in the garage or the backyard. It is amazing how very much these kids open up and talk when they're side by side with you doing chores... I learn alot about all of them just doing normal LIFE things with them. He does NOT spend TIME with these kids and I know his daughter DOES resent it sometimes... make more sense?
As for the rest, your SD does sound pretty spoiled. Knowing a bit more about the situation I can see your point more! I am sorry!
It is what it is...