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Possibly a dumb question

Kiwichick's picture

Why do some people spoil their child/ren after separation/divorce? Is it a guilt thing? Or a one-upmanship thing? Or some type of over compensating? Are they aware of what they're doing? I'm not judging people who do, I'm just trying to better understand it. 

 

tog redux's picture

All of the above, plus fear of losing the kids - and some of them weren't great parents to begin with. 

ldvilen's picture

I agree with Tog.  Here is something else I found, "When a parent begins spoiling their children after a divorce, it's usually not out of spite or malicious intent. It's because the parent feels insecure, and naturally so. Take the case of the non-custodial parent. Dad (or mom) feels as though their status in the family has been greatly diminished."

http://www.keepyourchildsafe.org/divorce/spoiling-kids-after-divorce.html

https://www.verywellfamily.com/parenting-mistakes-after-divorce-4084363

And, no, your question is certainly not a dumb one.  Yes, as if step-parenting wasn't difficult enough, Yet another log to throw on the fire that stokes the flames of relationship burnout.

ETA:  And by all means, judge away.  Far too many back off from issues of divorce not wanting to step on anyone's toes, but divorce is not an issue that affects just the initial family (mom, dad and the kids) by any means.  It affects grandparents, friends, other family members, AND anyone mom or dad goes on to have a relationship with.  If mom and dad continue to mess things up, esp. with their kids, after the divorce, then someone close by had better call 'em out on it before the rest of us, dozens, wind up paying for someone else's divorce with a piece of our soul.

Kes's picture

I think in my DH's case it was a combination of guilt over the marriage ending, and overcompensating for not living with his kids 24/7 any more.   NPD BM did a bang up job of PASing the SDs from the age of 5 and 7, there was no chance that DH could compete to be the favoured parent, (as in article 2 posted by Idvilen) but he did IMO try to splash his cash about to curry favour.  I kept telling him it was not a great idea to present them with everything on a plate, because it gives them the notion that all you have to do is shake the money tree, and hey presto!  SD25 is suffering from a bad case of failure to launch, caused at least in part by this, I think - she has a massively entitled attitude.  My bios knew they had to have part time jobs if they wanted cash.  

Thisisnotus's picture

I think it's different for everyone.

My EX "spoils" our kids only if it benefits him and hurts me at the same time. Like bribing DD17 to live with him full time and never see me and bad mouthing me by buying her a car and giving her cash and zero rules. But won't buy DD15 or DD13 a pair of shoes because they won't live with him full time and bad mouth me......if he could get DD15 and 13 to hate me by handing them a limitless credit card he would......

I spoil my kids because I have spoiled them since the day they were born so nothing has changed. We have always been big shoppers and I like them having all the in things because I did as a kid....

My DH spoils his kids out of pure guilt and nothing more. He doesn't really spoil them with things but rather with an anything goes attitude....never says no....kids are the boss.

BM spoils skids to get back at DH for "leaving his family". But most of BMs spoiling never really happens....every week they are going on some lavish vacation but they never actually go.....but I don't think the skids even care.....SD12 talks about all the things they do when they go to Disney and how they have been so many times.....they have gone one time.

GoingWicked's picture

In my DH's case it's almost like he doesn't even treat SD like she's his daughter, she's treated more like a niece or a granddaughter or at times like a friend that is visiting.  
 

Our kids he disciplines, mentors, he acts like his normal self around them, he's a great dad.  With SD, it's like he puts on this super-fake smile, can't ever say no, everything is great attitude around her.  Which in turn, has made her complete brat.
 

I don't understand it, because it only highlights the fact that she is an outsider, and also has not encouraged good character, so no one likes being around her either.  On top of it she goes to her room instead of preparing food with us or cleaning up, or even when we are simply having fun interacting as a family.  

WwCorgi7's picture

This describes my husband exactly. He's like some weird animated, Disney character trying to make her have fun and like him. It is just so fake. You are exactly right it highlights that they are an outsider. My husband used to get upset wanting me to treat her like my own instead of a guest but the way he expected me to treat her was like a guest not a part of the family. My husband says he acts this way because he feels bad that he can't be involved in her life day to day so he tries to use his visitation time to make it up to her. Boy did it completely backfire.

Miss T's picture

I have mentioned this before and no doubt will mention it again. PAS exists among the still-married as well as among the divorced. My ex was a horrendous PAS'er practically from the time our firstborn took her first breath. (We had three, and yes, I stayed WAY too long.) The women he took up with after our divorce were certainly annoying, but at least he never married any of them, sparing a handful of women the agony of step parenting.

My guess is that people who indulge in PAS'ing after divorce were crap parents to start with. It is possible, though mind-boggling to me who experienced PAS in my marriage, that divorce makes them worse.

Kiwichick's picture

Thank you everyone. As I've said elsewhere, I don't have anyone in real life to talk to about all this, so I really appreciate everyone's input.

I think BM spoils SD7 in an attempt to appear to be a good parent. All SD7's clothes have to be expensive brands and she'll periodically make a big show of taking her child to a lot of public activities (which BM will brag about for months afterwards, making it sound like a weekly occurrence). But mostly she makes a tonne of promises that she doesn't follow through on and then blames DP for the promised thing not happening. When there isn't anyone to witness she ignores her child completely.

I think DP spoils her for many reasons.

  • Out of fear of losing her and her love
  • Out of guilt over leaving a dead relationship.
  • Overcompensating for the lack of love, warmth, and attention from BM.
  • Because he wants her to have the things he didn't have growing up.
  • Because she's a mini wife. 

My ex was an absent dad even when we're still together. He'd be in the same room but still completely unavailable. That hasn't changed. He goes weeks without talking to our kids and months without seeing them. When he does it's all about him. So no spoiling going on there.

Me, I didn't have the money or time to spoil to them so we just trucked on as we always had, same rules, expectations, boundaries, etc. I want them to be respectful, kind, compassionate, and value relationships over materialism. In the past year I've had doubts about how I'm raising my kids, wondering if I should be gentler, more lenient, more indulgent. But then I look at SD7 and BM, who are perfect examples of what I don't want me or my kids to be like, and I'm reassured I'm doing the right thing. 

enjoyyourdowngrade's picture

All of the above (guilt mainly) plus lazy parenting. It's easier to spoil your kids than it is to discipline and spend the time teaching them.