You are here

The straw broke the camel's back tonight.....

Candice's picture

Today my dh got a phone call from ss's school. He had been horsing around in school, and even though he was told twice to discontinue, he didn't listen and got in trouble. My dh came home from work, grounded ss and gave him a stern talking to about how important school is, and how he isn't entitled to distrupt other students in school. Then ss just laughed at his dad. My dh got in his face to let him know he was walking a fine line.

A couple hours later, ss asks if he can call his mother. We always make him talk in our living room b/c he usually goes into his room where we can't hear him and his lies about what is going on over here to milk others for sympathy. So he calls his mother and he hounds her with questions like..."Did you sign the papers for your new house? You didn't? Why Not? Well you need to get those papers signed tomorrow. Make sure you get those papers signed by tomorrow." This is a 13 year talking to his 32 year old mother, ordering her to get her life together...

My dh then get's on the phone to talk to her. He reminds her that it's really important for her to remind ss that he is NOT automatically moving back in with her just b/c she breaks up with her bf. She returns in a snotty WELL...YOU KNOW HE IS MOVING IN WITH ME AND GOING TO SCHOOL WITH ME NEXT YEAR!!!" For the first time, my dh really stood up to her verbally and let her have it. We have bent over backwards to give her the best support when she needs it, and it never fails, when we need her support, she flakes out. And when ss knows she is taking him back, he is nothing over here but a true polished asshole.

My dh yelled back at bm and ordered her to come pick up ss tonight. He said.."If you are taking him back next year, you need to get over here tonight and pick him up..." He informed her that she is undermining him by changing her story with ss, and telling him "You can move back in with me.." but keeping us in the dark. As soon as he knows she will take him back, he is HIGHLY disrespectful to us. We just are at our wits end.

My dh apologized to me for having to go through with this. I told him..."you know the only thing that is your fault is the fact you didn't file the paperwork to finalize custody. Since you did that you opened us up this..." I know part of this is his fault. With that said, if he did file the paperwork, she would still make our lives living hell.

I spent the last 8 years of my life running and tripping over myself to rescue this poor kid. His mother is beyond disasterous, there are no words to describe her level of irresponsibility. I feel so defeated. I had no idea what I was battling up against. We are not just trying to raise a child, we are battling a dysfunctional mother and her entire dysfunctional family. We lost. We lost my dh's son to her dysfunctional side.

I truly hope others don't have to go through this. I love my dh and I love his 13 year old brat of a son, but I hate the fact that we were defeated by the negative black hole that her entire family has sucked this poor kid into. I have lost entire faith for his future. They are nothing but drug dealers and whores, and my ss is part of them...I'm so sad right now...

Comments

Anne 8102's picture

I'm so sorry you're feeling so crappy. I can understand where you are coming from. There's not really a single positive influence in my skids' lives on their BM's side and every time we have contact with them, we see them growing further in a direction totally opposite the one we'd like them to grow in. And we can't do a thing about it. I feel like every moment we spent with them was taken up with trying to undo the bad stuff and instill a little good stuff, but we never get them for long enough time for it to stick. I wish I had some advice for you, but the only thing that comes to mind is just hang in there and someday (hopefully!) this kid will appreciate your efforts.

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

Candice's picture

your support means a lot to me. I'm feeling so torn and defeated.

I need to add something that I left out in my post (I was pretty angry last night), we sent ss packing with bm. When dh got off the phone with bm, he called ss out of his room and told him to pack his things that he was going to go live with his mom tonight. That kid light up like Clark W. Griswald's house at Christmas time. We grabbed all the grocery bags we had, packed his clothes in a mad rush, all his toys from his mothers house, his guitar amp, and anything else he might want, set it on the front porch and waited for her to come pick him up. We told ss his behavior was inappropriate but it isn't his fault as long as his mother doesn't want to parent him. We told him that we can no longer try to work with his mother, and therefore he will live with his mother indefinitely, and he will not be returning to live in this house (we also mean for visitations). My dh ended that conversation with ss that if he ever needed something to give him a call. SS started crying. He waited on the porch for her to show up.

She of course did come herself, she sent her aunt to come pick him up, which was fine. Bm is living on her aunts couch right now.

I told my dh that I can no longer be a part of ss's life, and that if he is ever in a position to take ss back, that I want him to go rent an apartment so he and ss can live together w/o me.

My dh did tell bm last night on the phone..."and in a couple of months when you can't handle ss....DON'T CALL ME UP FOR HELP!" and she returned in her tough voice.."OK." Yeah right, I give it 3 weeks, and she's be screaming on the phone. She then told dh "ss doesn't fit in over there..." and I totally remember her telling me on the phone in January when she wanted him to live with us full time..."He doesn't fit in out here..." So basically ss is whatever she wants him to be when it's convenient for her. That will never change.

I'm so torn b/c I want so desperately for things to be different for ss, but in my head I KNOW his mother is never going to change, or grow up, or even remotely get her shit together. I know we are abandoning ss, but our marriage and our house can not survive the dysfunction bm brings.

I know we are not perfect parents ourselves....but there are a lot of demons in bm's head that she won't confront and she is bringing that dysfunction into my home and I just can't take it anymore.

Thanks for listening,
The saddest stepmom alive,
Candice

P.S. I already made an appointment for myself with a therapist...this might not be the "right" thing to do...but it's what we have to do.

Caitlin's picture

Oh Candice, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can tell you feel really guilty, but you are not abandoning your SS, you're saving your marriage and your bioson. You know that BM will never change so I think you're right to refuse to allow that dysfunction into your home any longer. You're between a rock and hard place here. Just please don't doubt your decision out of guilt for SS. You did EVERYTHING YOU COULD. You simply can't save him, but you CAN save yourself.

I would love to write more, but I'm working! Just know that I support you! Hang in there!

Candice's picture

I do feel guilty. I can't help it right now. I know in my head that I have done everything, but my heart wants things to be so different, and I'm too hurt right now to try to change how my heart feels.

Thank you so much for your support, I really need it right now. Your friendship, along with this entire site, is really helping me get through this hard time. Thanks so much for taking the time to lend me a hand. I'm on the edge right now, if I keep thinking about it, I'm going to end up crying here at work.

I do know that we are making the right decision to save our marriage and our bioson, but I just can't let go of ss right now. I will work on that. Your continued support is really appreciated. I can't express my gratitude for my friends here and the simple existance of this site.

Thanks...
Candice

Caitlin's picture

And tears in my eyes! My heart aches for you and your family. I wish I could take away your hurt! There's not much else I can say to you because I know that your heart and your head are at odds with one another right now. I guess the best thing I can say is: please allow yourself to grieve. This is a loss like any other.

You'll get through this! You are a strong woman!

loonybonusmom's picture

and you shouldn't have to let your own happiness suffer because of the failure of others. I hope you and your family make it through these rough times, but I agree with Caitlyn, you shouldn't feel guilty. There is only so much we can do for these kids, and unfortunatly that sometimes means we reach the end of our rope. But your happiness has to come first somewhere here, and you should be proud of your husband for realizing this. Your bio should never miss out on anything for the sake of his brother. I am sure this is not all over for you Candace, but fear not....when a hero is in need for your family you know your husband is there, and when you need a sidekick to come up with a fast action plan so are we!!! Enjoy your weekend with your husband and your son, it is time to relax and appreciate eachother for the great family you really are!!

Dawn-Moderator's picture

I support your decision too. I know that it was a very hard thing to do. I hope that we never have to make a decision like that. My ss's Bm brings major dysfunction with her too. I have had moments when I'm on the fence with hard decisions. So far we're making it but the teen years are coming up and all I can do is hope for the best.

Hang in there. It's not your fault. You did your best to help but their is only so much one step mom can do!

Dawn

Candice's picture

all your support. If I didn't have you guys here propping me up, I seriously would have lost it today. You guys are really helping me keep my sanity today. I hope none of you ever have to go through the idea of writing a kid off. This isn't what I pictured when he was 4.

Loonybonusmom, I like your statement about my dh being a hero, and you guys being my sidekick. It put a smile on my face...

Thanks again ladies, you guys really mean a lot to me!

Candice

Candice's picture

I too have petty bs in my life, and then I read someone else's story and realize that my life isn't that bad. Today...just isn't one of those days.

You are too kind with your words. Thanks for embracing me with your open arms.

I love you guys too,
Candice

Anne 8102's picture

Hang in there, Candice. You'll get through this. You're tough and brave and strong. You have a good heart and a good sense of what's right. We all make mistakes along the way, sure, but in your heart of hearts you know that guys are doing what you have to do and you know you are doing it for the right reasons. It's not selfish or unreasonable to want peace. We're here for you!

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

Candice's picture

You're right, love is tough sometimes. Thanks for those compliments. A couple of years ago, I would have had a melt down over this. Today I am a stronger woman than I was just a few years ago, and I know I will eventually get through this. Even though I'm really down, I'm handling it way better than I would have previously. I think part of it is this site.

Thanks for reminding me I'm not being selfish to want peace. I've been such a giver to ss for the last 8 years.

Thanks again you guys are really making me feel so much better about this terrible situation.

Candice