Weirdness at family therapy
Weirdness maybe isn't the right word, because this crap is so typical of BM, but anyway... Last night, my fiance went over to BM's apartment for their weekly Family Based Therapy appointment. The hour-long appointment actually only lasted an HOUR this time! (It's been 2+ hours every week because the therapists let BM blather on about BF's incompetencies for an hour and a half before they get to anything relevant, if at all.) Last night when the therapists told her once again to drop it and move on, she actually said that she was trying to establish a pattern of him being untrustworthy. They politely reminded her that that is not what they're there for. They're there to help the two of them learn to coparent. BM replied that it's useless to try to communicate with BF because "he won't ever compromise." BM's definition of compromise? Him agreeing to whatever demand she comes up with. So in that case, of course he doesn't "compromise"!
So they made no progress as usual and the only reason the appointment ended on time was because BM had a "very important meeting to get to" but wouldn't say what it was. As she was leaving out the door she says, "oh, by the way, SD and I won't be available next week for Family Based Therapy. We won't be around." The therapists tried to find out where they'd be and what they'd be doing, but she (in typical BM fashion) avoided the question and hemmed and hawed and said that she hadn't firmed up her plans yet, she'd have to get back to them, and oh she's late gotta go, all the while making sidelong glances at BF. She just doesn't want HIM to know where HIS daughter is going to be. Jesus, if we try to take SD to my parents' 75 miles away for the afternoon, she has a hissy and demands that we ask her PERMISSION first! She honestly thinks she's the only parent here! She blatantly refuses to consult with him on anything OR even let him know of the decisions she's made without his input, but when the tables are turned, she's ready to call the police. Blech!
I know that BM's birthday is on Wednesday and I suspect that she is planning a trip during SD's spring break to see her one and only friend who lives 800 miles away. Now, SD's spring break doesn't begin until the following week, so if BM DARES pull SD out of school for an extra 3 days when, as you may remember, she's missed 30+ days this year already, we will be SORELY upset. I suggested that BF contact the school and explain that BM will not tell him about SD's whereabouts and if she will be missing those 3 days next week, that they are unexcused absences that he did not agree to. (Ammo for the courts later. Judges don't like it when parents encourage truancy!) I love that BM thinks that SD needs a $400/month tutor when all the girl needs is to attend school regularly and on time! (She is tardy on average once a week as well. I guess because BM can't get out of bed to get her kid to school.) I think she's being elusive because they're flying there and if we catch wind of that, then we'll call her out on not being as poverty-stricken as she claims if she can afford $800 in airline tickets.
Another weird thing is that SD was nowhere to be found last night and BM wouldn't say where she was, just that "she's not here." WTF? Usually SD stays with her grandfather next door during these appointments, but he was out shopping. She was probably with a friend, but why couldn't BM just say so? We were worried about her!
To add to the weirdness, BM's father (the afore mentioned grandfather next door) conveniently came back from his shopping at the exact moment the appointment was letting up and as BF was walking down the street to our friends' house where he stays on these nights (too difficult to get him back home, long story) the grandfather ACTUALLY STALKED BF driving down the street next to him telling him to get in the car so they could discuss his debt to him. "Get in, I'll give you a ride to wherever you're going. No? Well, I insist. Come on. I'm telling you, get in the CAR NOW. YOU NEED TO PAY ME AND BM BACK THE MONEY YOU OWE US!!! THAT'S HER INHERITANCE!!!" Geez, it sounds like BM takes after her dad in the nut-job department, huh?
Boy are they going to be mad when that marital debt (or gift as it was at the time) is split 50/50 and then he just files for bankruptcy anyway. I don't want to be within a 100-mile radius of them when THAT shit hits the fan. I don't understand why they don't just get it that after 60% of his pay is taken out for child and spousal support, there is nothing bloody left to repay this personal loan! This stone has no blood left in it! And why in God's name is it HIS responsibility 100% to pay it back, when she was the one going off on manic spending sprees when they were both unemployed? Sorry you spent your inheritance early, sweetie. It's not his problem.
So, that about sums it up. Next week, FBT is coming to our house again. I can't wait to hear what they have to say. Next week I'll hopefully have good news!
- Caitlin's blog
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Comments
I don't think therapy w/ex
I don't think therapy w/ex wives exhusbands will work at all, that's just my opinion. It's always a battle between who is right and wrong. Each not accepting/realizing their wrong doing. It always ends up blaming each other. Why try get along now when they couldn't when they were a couple. I just don't see any purpose of a therapy. I would just follow divorce decree.
-happy mom
therapy
I agree, although the settlement papers in my DH's divorce says that if the two can't agree on key co-parenting issues, mediation (by professionals just like Caitlin's family-based therapists) is mandatory, so folks often end up in these processes as a result of divorce papers. Problem is that people don't understand that co-parenting is different than a personal relationship, and take therapy to mean they have to work out their relationship as if they were still a couple, without focusing on developing decision-making processes that will cater to the best interests of the child. Sounds like that's what's going on with Caitlin's BM.
My otherwise darling MIL, who dislikes BM, thinks that BM and I should go to therapy together (!!!!) She says because I am rational and correct, and BM should hear a third party say it. Um, NO WAY.
Caitlin, I'm sorry your BM is a nutcase. Crossed fingers for good news next week!
I think it's a waste of time, too
It's a nine-month program and they pretty much knew since day 1 that BM was not going to cooperate, but we're sticking to the program so that we can honestly say that we tried everything to make it work. Then the therapy team will recommend to the courts that SD live with us because BM's behavior is having an adverse effect on SD's development.
Happy Mom and Gwen, you're both spot on about these sessions being a big fat "blame game" instead of actual coparenting. The therapists tell BM week after week that a) this is not couples therapy, it's coparenting therapy, b) they're not even a couple anymore and haven't been for 4 long years so she needs to move on, and c) they insist that she include BF in any important decisions about SD, especially regarding her health and education, which she flat out refuses to do. She seems to "forget" that they have shared legal custody. She thinks that primary physical custody means that she makes ALL decisions ALL the time, even when SD is with her dad. Wrong, just wrong.
Gwen, I used to think that BM would come around if she heard a rational third party tell her like it is. It hasn't happened yet and there are two objective therapists coming to her house 2-3 times a week repeating the same things ad nauseum and she's just not getting it. I KNOW she wouldn't take it well if it came from me, and I have a feeling that your skids' BM probably wouldn't take it well from you either. Silly MIL - she's a doll for trying to help though, right?
Curious
What do the therapist talk about when they come to YOUR house? Is BM there, or is it just your family?
Stepup
Keep trying though it seems
that nothing will ever get through BM's messed head. It seems the therapy ain't doing much for BM's attitude. I agree with you - at least when you go to court, you guys have evidence that you tried. The effort will pay off. Keep on.
Personal loan
Caitlin, did they sign an IOU, promisory note or anything when they "borrowed" this money? Is there anything in writing? If so, does it say HE is the one borrowing it and HE is the one who has to pay it back, him and only him?
I'm just wondering about all of this, if there's any documentation in writing regarding this loan.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
RE: Personal loan
They didn't sign anything when they borrowed this money, but when BM and BF split up, the grandfather made BF sign something that said he'd pay it back. He was actually making monthly payments to him until the child support and alimony started, at which point BF told him that he couldn't continue making payments because his take home pay put him below the federal poverty level. Each and every lawyer we've consulted with has said that the paper he signed will have little if any weight in court.
He's filing for bankruptcy anyway, so even if he is hit with 100% responsibility for the loan, I don't see the grandfather getting any of it back. I think we'll be fine legally, but we'll be dealing with the mental and emotional backlash from BM and the grandfather for as long as we shall live. I don't think we'll ever hear the end of it.
Caitlin
Ya know I love ya, you are my favorite brat. Please hang in there, keep your sence of humor. After all you are cooking a human strawberry! I 'm sorry you have to deal with all this drama. And as far as that debt to her Father. That's some other bullshit WE need to find a stop to.
Have a great weekend. Jo
Personally, I think...
SD's BM is Bipolar or BPT at the least, myself. Which explains her manic issues. As far as the grandfather that stalked your hubby... I mean that because while on paper it may not be yet, but in all tense and purposes, he's your hubby... I think that the grandfather probably has been so warped by BM's frantic qualms that he just caters to her now and too firmly believes what she says is true. Why not? She believes it. She genuinely feels that she can do no wrong. Why should she? Everyone caters to her whim. They are feeling the heat.
But, I certainly wouldn't worry about SD not being around at this point, instead, be thankful because she's not being put in the middle during those sessions for the time being. Let's hope that she really was at a friend's home and actually got to be a little girl with her friend for a change. That's really important right now. Let her be a kid for a change. I know you guys do your best, but let's hope that BM is allowing her that much on these days too.
As far as the trip goes, do you have any orders in place about taking SD out of county/state? DH had it stipulated in their custody papers that neither parent is to take SS out of state at any time without court approval, or move out of the county. DH did this because he was afraid that SS's BM would haul up and move across the state, ripping SS out of his life on pure spite, knowing that DH couldn't 'follow'. She repeatedly threatened DH early in their upheaval throws of custody battles that she would just move across the state to be closer to her sister without warning. (Her sister is an attorney, but her specialty is in the corporate world, not with family/child law, but she uses it as some open threat and pretends to know more than she does herself because she was a secretary for an attorney... honey, you WERE the secretary, not the attorney who studied for the bar exam- geeesh.)
Anyway, reason being is then you may be able to get the police to intervene where ever they may be because she's violating the court orders. Then, you'll have a report for the judge. The police may not actually take SD from BM at the moment, but it's a legal document. Plus, if you do not give permissions, and BM doesn't notify via registered mail, that won't look too good for her either. One thing that we also have is that if SS goes on a plane, we have to notify BM- why, I don't know- even if we never go out of state. That one I don't understand and scratch my head on. I think it's because BM got mad about the 'going out of state/ moving out of county' thing, so she retaliated about some ridiculous nonsense with planes?!?!? (Okay? We don't have any reasons to fly anywhere with SS anyway, whatever.) We drive everywhere in our state because we like to go camping, and it's pretty hard to put a tent trailer in the plane, then get our trailer to the camp ground... stupid. LOL. I think she just got jealous because we actually get off our rump and go places during the summer... LOL.
Alrighty, I'm finish with my tangent...
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
RE: Court orders
We don't have any court orders in place about taking SD out of state. It would actually be quite silly to put that into place because it would hurt us! We live 3 miles from the state border and we do a lot of our (tax-free) shopping there and SD's riding lessons are there too. We also like to go to my parents' with SD and they live in another state as well. (In the North East, the states are pretty small!)
Honestly, we don't want to prevent SD from going on a trip with BM, all we want is to know where they'll be, when they'll be going and coming back, and how to reach them while they're there. That's apparently too much to ask of BM, however. Oh, and we really really really don't want BM to pull SD out of school for this trip. She's already missed 30+ days this year and it's just not right to make that unilateral decision without consulting BF, who just so happens to have SHARED legal custody. Plus, it means they miss out on their weeknight visitation and she won't discuss making that up either.
All we want is to be informed and make decisions TOGETHER! That's what coparenting is, isn't it? Now, BM is going to compare this to us not telling her in advance that we had arranged a sleepover with SD's friend this past weekend. Sorry, I didn't know that decisions regarding a social get-together were on par with decisions regarding the health, education and welfare of the child, not to mention changes to the court-ordered visitation schedule. It's apples and oranges, but she'll use it to avoid owning up to the fact that she's refusing to coparent.
It kind of scares me that she wouldn't
let the therapist know where sd would be the following week. I hope your right and that she is planning a vacation, and not something more severe.
On the whole money issue with gf. Well, let his words be water on a ducks back. Like you said, he can file bankruptcy, and he won't have to pay one dime back to him.
Hang in there Caitlin, this program will hopefully pay off in the long run for you by awarding you guys custody of sd. There is one thing to keep in mind however, you know how bm keeps making decisions for sd w/o your dh's knowledge or approval? I don't think it's b/c she has primary custody, it's b/c she is arrogant, and disrespectful. I think that even WHEN you guys are awarded custody, she will still have an attitude that she has the say so in every little situation, and your dh will still have no say so even though sd will be living with you guys. She will call your house repeatedly trying to fight you guys on every little tiny decision, and if you make any decision for sd, w/o bm's approval (which will happen), she is really going to display serious anger and craziness.
That is something we experienced with our nutcase. She felt that she was the final say in where ss lived, and when, and if dh was giving ss punishment that she didn't like, her first repsonse to ss was.."pack your things your moving back in with me".... and of course she would always change her mind on her decisions, leave dh in the dark about it, and tell ss what is going on behind our backs. It was very frustrating to deal with, and for a long time we didn't know exactly what was going on until we became seasoned at her dysfunction.
You guys will be able to deal with it, especially with the therapist helping you guys. Perhaps bm will only be allowed to have supervised visiations, and that will really help curb her.
How are the divorce proceedings? Have a great weekend, and thanks for keeping us posted! You are such a strong woman, and everyday that you demonstrate courage and strength inspires sd to be a better person. You are really a great role model for her, and I know that bm puts you guys through such craziness, your sd one day will really appreciate everything you have done for her! It will be so rewarding!
Bests,
Candice
Don't worry, SD confirmed they're going on vacation
BM just didn't want BF to be privy to her decisions regarding taking SD out of school for 3 additional days, taking away a weeknight visitation, etc. She doesn't want him to have her contact info while she's away, she doesn't want him to know what day she's leaving and what day she's coming back, she doesn't want to discuss making up the missed visitation evening. We are pretty darn sure she's not going to up and leave, permanently disappearing with SD. The grandfather, although not always sensible himself, would never stand for letting them break the law and leave like that. He may be just as dysfunctional as her, but he is very adament about abiding by the law and he knows she's not allowed to take SD away like that.
Anyway Candice, you're right about BM's attitude not changing if and when we get custody. Yep, she thinks that she is THE ONLY DECISION MAKER FOR SD, PERIOD. We've got a long road to hoe! I mean, she was uber-pissed that we had arranged a sleepover with SD's friend over the weekend without consulting her first. Come ON.
As for the divorce, we're STILL looking for a good attorney. I'm starting to think maybe we shouldn't be so picky, but we really want to be in good hands when we go in to the wolves!