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Family Based Therapy update

Caitlin's picture

So, they didn't meet last week because BM had been on vacation, and even though she got back on Wednesday in plenty of time for their weekly Thursday 6:00pm appointment, she wouldn't return any phone calls to confirm her availability so they cancelled that week. This week, BM made everyone meet in the lobby of her apartment building instead of going up to her apartment, saying that her father had taken over both of their apartments for tax time. Ok...? She was dressed to the nines like America's Next Top Model - makeup, hair, fancy clothes. Next thing you know, the therapists are getting out their video camera, saying they'd be taping this session because it's the review period. Hmm... did BM know in advance that they'd be videotaping? That would explain the extra effort on her appearance and why she wouldn't allow access to her pigsty. Typical.

So, the therapists asked how BM and BF thought things were going and BM launched into "well, I'm having no trouble communicating, but BF sure is!"

After she'd had her piece, BF responded by saying that it's imperative to discuss matters not in front of SD, that at pick-ups and drop-offs it is inappropriate to discuss plans or other matters because it puts SD in the middle and makes her uncomfortable, or worse, causes her great distress when it gets heated. He said that he has begged BM to contact him via email so that SD doesn't have to be subjected to it, but that BM still demands to know every detail of our weekend's plans when we're picking up and it often causes a scene.

BF brought up how BM had behaved abhorrently at the pickup 3 weeks ago and BM shot back that yes, she knew that he'd already discussed it with the therapists and that the therapists brought it up with BM's psychiatrist and how inappropriate it was to go behind her back like that. She got very defensive, saying that her psychiatrist says she's in remission, she's stable, not manic. She did not apologize for the way she'd acted that night. She said that she acted that way because BF was not communicating, and that she was in complete control of herself. She would not take responsibility for her behavior and said repeatedly that it was BF's fault. She even went as far as to have her psychiatrist put in writing that she was a good mother. Well, I guess she's pulled the wool over that quack's eyes! Just the fact that she had him do that shows just how afraid she is of losing custody.

BF also brought up how BM had tried to make him out to be uncooperative during the conversation on Tuesday about SD's meds by saying 4 times that she'd hoped he'd support SD's psychiatrist's decision after he'd confirmed 4 times that he did indeed support it. Again, he said that having that discussion in front of SD should never have happened. When BM found out on Monday about the medication change, she should have emailed him the information so he could digest it on his own and get back to her. Instead, she waited to dump it on him in the parking lot at pick-up AND drop-off the next day and tried repeatedly to instigate an argument over it in front of SD. BM still stands by her claim that she was doing a good job at communicating with him about an important medical matter.

One thing that BM brought up was that after SD's Wednesday night appointment alone with therapists, the therapists weren't gone 2 seconds and SD came sobbing to BM saying that she was afraid that the therapists were siding with BF and planning to take her away from BM. BM said this with an accusatory glare at BF and said, "any idea where she'd get this idea, BF?" He said no, because we obviously haven't told SD anything of the kind. He said, "maybe the therapists would be better people to ask that question." All the therapists said was, "yes, we have an idea where this came from" and left it at that. I wonder what went down in that session. BF suspects that SD, of her own volition, told therapists exactly what they needed to hear to know that SD is not safe with BM and then turned around and told BM what she would want to hear, which is that she doesn't want to be taken away from her, when in reality that is exactly what she wants.

I think this was a very good session to have on tape.

Comments

Candice's picture

It's interesting that she thinks getting all dolled up b/c now she is being video taped makes a difference in her parenting. I just laughed. My dh has an aunt that is bi-polar manic depressive, and can be totally out to lunch at times. She will do the most outrageous stuff, and then of course blame everyone else that exists for her actions, and in her head, she really thinks it's other people's fault. Sometimes she can be really nice, and others just down right mean.

I have a feeling that bm told sd that they were trying to take her away. She already throws so much adult content in to her lap, it wouldn't surprise me if she decided to tell sd that the family based therapy is just an act her dad is pulling to try to take her away. And who knows, did sd really come out of the therapists office crying? I'm very skeptical of anything bm says, she could be lying about that in the first place.

I hope things move a little faster for you in getting sd. It seems so slow!

Remember to do things for you that help release stress!

Candice

Caitlin's picture

Candice, you are always so spot on. It is laughable that she tries to present herself as Miss Fancy Pants when the video camera comes out, as though the therapists are suddenly going to respect her parenting because she got dressed up and put makeup on. As for your dh's bipolar aunt - she sounds just like BM: she acts out and then goes on and on about how it's all other people's fault she acted that way and feels perfectly justified in that explanation. She will stop at nothing to get her way - and I mean NOTHING - and she never owns up to the disaster she leaves in her wake because it's always someone else's fault.

It certainly isn't farfetched to think that BM fed it to SD that the therapists were siding with Daddy to try to take her away. I love that this whole program came about from the clinic that BM chose for SD herself - unilaterally, I might add - and now she's trying to say that it's all part of Daddy's evil scheme to wrench her daughter away from her. Anyway, BM lies so much that we never know what the truth is, so it could be that none of that even happened that night anyway. She may be testing the waters because she's catching on that she's heading toward losing custody and she wants one of us to say, "oh no, we wouldn't do that." Mind you, it has never been said in front of BM or SD - by the therapists or us - that we will try for custody if the situation doesn't improve. They only say to them that the goal of this program is to get everyone communicating better. Then they turn around to us and say "I hope you're prepared to take custody, because we don't see any hope for improvement" but BM doesn't know this. Of course, we haven't denied it either, so she's not dumb.

Yes, it feels like things are moving very slowly, but I have a feeling that we'll "deliver prematurely". It's a 9-month program (like gestation - we're "due" at the end of September) but I think to make the transition easier on SD in terms of starting at a new school, that they'll want to change custody this summer rather than wait all the way to the end. So I'll be giving birth to a newborn in July and a 12-year-old not long after!

As for stress levels, I have to say that I really feel great! My stress release is cuddling with my girls and their dad whom I adore, relaxing in front of a movie that I fall asleep in front of :), planting flowers in our garden with my little helpers, visiting with family and friends - things are just... nice. Somehow I've managed to divorce myself (no pun intended) from the drama of BM and not let it affect my daily life. Yes, my blood pressure still rises when she's having a fit and SD's crying and things are out of control, but I don't carry that around with me. And I really used to, so this is progress!

loonybonusmom's picture

I am sooo happy for you. A little shocked that the therapysts would actually conduct a session in a lobby, but I suppose what could they do??? How are the visits going with sd? Is she asking you any of these questions ie/ do you want to take me away from mom? Doesn't matter I guess, but if she hasn't asked dad, my guess it is bm trying to lie her way out of this mess by causing trouble...lol what a loser! But all you can do now is exactly what you said, sit back and enjoy your family. Congrats on your positive attitude Caitlyn, it will carry your whole family through this situation!!

Caitlin's picture

I don't think BM gave the therapists much choice about where the session would take place, so they just set up in the lobby. It's typical of her. Not too shocking at all, really.

Visits with SD are, as always, just lovely. To watch her interact in our family, you would never guess in a million years how troubled she is! She is so carefree, fun, loving, active, helpful, excited and sweet on our weekends. She hasn't yet asked us the dreaded question: do you want to take me away from mom? If/when she does, we'll be prepared to tell her the truth without going into any gory details: that what we want is for her to have healthy relationships with all her family members, no matter where she lives. We want her to have two stable loving homes - one with Mom, one with Dad. If she presses it, we'll let her know that it's more up to the courts than up to any of us to determine where she should live on a full-time basis and where she should visit. We'll see her this weekend, so we'll see if it comes up. You know I'll be blogging about it later!

OldTimer's picture

that you are coming out of this pretty darn well! I was a little concerned with the stress levels, but after reading your last paragraph, I think that is fabulous on your part to keep your distance. It's the best way to handle the 'issues'. I learned to do this along time ago to, and it really does help to keep things so separate and business like, doesn't it?

I think things will go well, but when the custody does change, I'm sure that will create a lot more waves with and through BM. Do you know if the therapists will be around for the aftermath of that storm?

By the way, my SS's BM used to do the same thing... whenever she knew she was going to have an audience, oh full on makeup and upgraded attire. Funny that is, isn't it? Also thought she was an attorney... but strangely, she lost more each time she went in thinking she was all that... then blame us as if we were after her... Um... YOU filed, remember?

Well, it's great to hear that things are moving along.

Wink StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

Caitlin's picture

Will the therapists be around for the aftermath of the change in custody? Yes, they will. They won't be a permanent fixture, but they will help everyone deal with the transition at first. For the longer term though, we'll have to find SD a new psychiatrist in our town. I know it's going to be a long road to hoe. I think (I hope?) I'm prepared for it!

Little Jo's picture

My favorite brat, I'm so glad things are progressing. You deserve so much. LIKE BF GETTING THE DAMB DIVORCE. I think of you often. You too have quite the circus going on with that BM. I'm glad you are feeling well. Enjoy your pregnancy. It's so cool. I loved it when the baby would move around. It always cracked me up. Speaking of which my baby is due back on Sunday. I miss her so much.

Caitlin's picture

Little Jo, you've been so helpful and kind to me through all this, I only wish I could return the favor. I know you're going through a horribly hard time with DK and those poor girls right now, and I just wish I had all the answers for you! I think of you a lot too, and I'm hoping that things will very soon start to get better.

Hey, was your baby "delivered" on Sunday? I know you missed her like crazy. My baby has been moving around like mad lately and yes, I love it too! It's so fun when she actually makes my shirt move, her kicks are so powerful.