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Feeling disheartened

Caitlin's picture

I'm beginning to wonder why we ever decided to move to be closer to SD. BM's parental alienation is just too much for me to take anymore. I guess I used to be able to handle it better before when I thought that it wasn't actually working on SD. But now, I don't know, I'm so discouraged, disheartened, hopeless. I really don't think that we'll be able to continue having a meaningful relationship with SD. It's so sad and scary - she's turning into a mini-version of her mother which is my *worst* nightmare.

I just don't know how to deal anymore.


sparky's picture

Most females are mini versions of their mother. After all these years I find myself doing things and saying things that my mom did and I hated it. I told my sons take a good look at the mother of the person that you are getting married to because more than likely your wife is going to turn out to be just like her. Two of my SS are married and their wives are just like their moms.

Caitlin's picture

Yes, well I guess I had had hope for a long time that SD would learn how NOT to be from her mother's appalling behavior. I was looking at these lovely old pictures of us and got so sad. SD used to have this sweet innocence about her. That's gone. I know that's all part of growing up, but becoming a selfish vindictive conniving two-faced temper tantrum throwing control freak bent on getting her own way at all costs should NOT be a part of growing up!

Well, I think BM has finally succeeded at destroying the relationship SD has with me, her dad, and her two little sisters. It's just not the same anymore.

Sia's picture

"Divorce Poison". It is all about pas, and how to combat it. I think it would be useful to you! It helped me understand how to help DH deal with it, thought I must say, I do believe we have lost the battle as well. I know how hard it can be to go thru this, and I haven't done a very good job at dealing with it, so my advice would be bad. Good Luck, hugs to you! Smile

Most Evil's picture

Our SD is willing to talk to DH and accept gifts and vacations but wants free rein to talk very damaging crap about him behind his back, to my family and everyone who reads the internet. I too am very sad and feel it has already ruined my outlook on her and our relationship. As long as we keep giving her stuff, we can get along - well forget it! (except child support of course).

I am so sorry you have come to this too. That book is really good, it is definitely worth reading. Maybe as they grow up, they will remember that they loved their dad once and for a long time, and want to treat us right.

"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus

ColorMeGone2's picture

Pull back for your own sanity, but don't lose all hope. Consider her age, for one thing, and consider her primary influence... BM. One day she will grow up and BM will no longer be her primary influence. One day she will develop the ability to see clearly from her own perspective, rather than viewing the world through her mother's jaundiced eyes. Live your life and be happy. Include her when you can. Love her in spite of herself. And wait. The years go so fast when you have little ones. I know it's hard to live this in the moment, but at some point, I know your SD will come around. She will see that her mother has brought turmoil while you and her father have tried to bring constance.

I remember the day I discovered that my parents were just as human as the rest of us. She'll have that day, too.

♥ Georgia ♥

"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)

Caitlin's picture

I have to remind myself that SD really has no choice but to do what BM wants (ie. shut us out) because to cross BM is a death wish. I have to stop taking it so personally when she doesn't come see us. I know I should pull back for my own sanity, but I just don't know how. That's why it's almost 1:30am and I'm not sleeping - for the bazillionth time, she canceled last minute and I'm just plain pissed off!

sweetthing's picture

It is good to hear from you, but wishing it was better news.

First off how is that beautiful new baby doing, although by my calculations she should be around 9 months. ( I thought you had her shortly after I had my little guy)

I am so sorry to hear that SD is behaving so badly. Is she still going to therapy of any sort?

I know how much you have loved that child & sacrificed for her. I am really sorry that she has gone over to the dark side.

Caitlin's picture

And actually, she turned 10 months old the day I originally posted this. She is just the loveliest little babe. My 2 year old on the other hand, is *really* at a difficult age. She is about to make me lose my mind! Smile

As for SD's behavior - I forget that it's really not her, it's BM. The poor kid really has no choice but to just side with her. I just have to disengage, I guess. I'm just so sad about it.

Anyway, how's your little bundle of joy?! Hard to believe they're going to be turning a year old soon, huh? How are SSs with their baby bro? All good?

Caitlin's picture

That's what it is I'm feeling - heartbreak. Sigh. It's a struggle.

happy's picture

Although I have 3 sisters and then there is me, and me and one of my sisters.. My daughter is a little mini me, my stepdaughter is a mini me of her mom.
I am sure my daughter is a constant reminder to her father of me. Although now since we get along its probably not a big deal.

Caitlyn ~ It is sad, because you put all kinds of time and energy into your SD, but don't feel discouraged, they do come back. My SD and I had a very sucky relationship but now that is all turned around, she is 17 and growing up.. I think it takes them awhile to figure out that we are not taking there mom's place, at all, but that is how they view us. My SD said she felt like she lost her dad, because she had her little life going, and so we did too, not knowing that she felt like she had lost him, I was angry at first about her saying that, but once I started to think about it, it became clear, that is why our relationship sucked, we have talked about everything and she and I are both trying to build a relationship together.. Kids are not easy, my own are not easy either. My daughter says stuff about her dad's GF to me all the time, and I get out of all that, that she doesn't want her to try to mother her, at all. But I tell my daughter to be respectful, that she may not be her mom, but she is a bonus... your situation is different in that aspect. But trust me she will get older and may grow wise to her mom, but for now, to have some peace maybe cutting the ties a little is best, especially for you. Let her know you love her and will be there if and when she needs and let her come to you... when she is ready..

I wish you the best... and I am very sorry for your pain..

"live life to its fullest everyday"

Caitlin's picture

Last I heard from you, things were rocky with your SD, so I'm glad to hear that she's come around a bit. And I'm also glad to hear how you encourage your own daughter with her relationship with her dad's GF - wanna try to convince BM to be more supportive like that for me?

OldTimer's picture

I always had such high hopes for you. This just sucks....

Wink Retired (StepMom)

“Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong- sometimes it's letting go.”