God bless my mother
My mom has been so worried about SD (as we all have!) that she decided to write a letter to SD's therapist. I wanted to share it with all of you, because it is so spot on.
Dear Dr. M,
I am writing with shared concern regarding your patient, SD. My daughter Caitlin has informed me of the current situation. SD’s father, BF, may have spoken to you about my resolve to involve Social Services in order to ensure SD’s safety and well being.
It appears that no progress has been made with SD's mother, BM, over the past two years. In fact, the situation has worsened and SD’s symptoms have become severe. I understand the concern that a report to Child Welfare could possibly exacerbate an already tenuous situation; but at this juncture, I’m sure you agree that SD’s welfare is at risk. This risk necessitates a referral to the Office of Children and Youth for suspected Child Abuse and Neglect.
1. Medical Neglect whereby BM refused your professional recommendation for inpatient treatment for SD after several attempts of suicide.
2. Emotional neglect whereby BM is inattentive to the child’s emotional needs.
3. Educational Neglect whereby BM encourages maladaptive behaviors such as chronic absenteeism and tardiness.
4. Emotional Abuse whereby BM’s pattern of behavior has impaired SD’s emotional development. This would include BM’s withholding of love, support and guidance.
SD’s vulnerability, her mother’s functioning level and the identification of present danger in the home all need to be assessed by Child Protective Services. If you concur and suspect abuse, of course it would be illegal to fail to report. When the professionals find it difficult or impossible to work with BM, how can we expect SD to? She is definitely a child in need of assistance and protection. I could file the report if you think it would be helpful. I am prepared to do so, but BF and Caitlin wanted your opinion first. Please feel free to contact me. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Caitlin's wonderful mom
I am looking forward to seeing how SD's therapist responds. None of us has stepped forward before to say - it is illegal to allow this to continue. My mom, bless her, just couldn't take it anymore. She is a retired psychologist and it's just in her blood to advocate for victims like SD. I hope this will get the ball rolling.
I will keep you posted.
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Comments
What a great mom! I hope
What a great mom! I hope she included her credentials when she signed the letter. She could carry some serious weight. Keep us posted, Caitlin. I really hope this little girl can find some constructive ways to cope with a destructive mother.
~ Anne ~
Keep us informed!
Wow, that's awesome. That's the kind of courage everyone needs when dealing with people like that.
Please, keep us informed on the results. I'm on the edge of my seat! Good luck.
Wooo hooo!
GO MOM GO! I totally support this 100%... anyone with any psychiatry under their belt would understand that this is in fact a true and utter disgrace to the profession. GO MOM GO! If I knew you in person... I'd be writing letters of my own in conjunction WITH your mother!
(And I'm merely basing my opinions from a cold screen across the country!)
You do have a wonderful mother.
Very well written and I'm betting it will be highly effective.
Maybe this will get the ball
Maybe this will get the ball rolling. It is very articulately written and to the point. My reaction to it was either you do something....or she will.
Update
The therapist called my fiance today to let him know that she received the letter from my mom and wanted to get his feedback on it. She left a voicemail and he will call her back tonight. I'll keep you posted.
The good news is, the psych team at SD's clinic has ordered something called in-home therapy where a team of psychiatrists comes to both homes and evaluates SD's interactions with her family members. It will be plain to see that BM is making SD sick and that she does perfectly well at our house, so perhaps this will take care of what we would have called Child Protective Services to do.
In any case, we will use the in-home therapy findings to our advantage in court. I am certain they will recommend that SD be removed from her mother's care due to all the neglect and abuse that goes on over there.
My fiance and the therapist finally had the talk
So the therapist was very relieved to hear that SD will be in Family Based Therapy (I called it in-home therapy above, but FBT is the official name apparently.) She said FBT is very intensive and a much better alternative to Child Protective Services, which is overloaded and not very good. FBT will spend up to 9 months, 2 to 3 times PER WEEK visiting SD and BM. They will come to our home too on weekends when SD is with us, but their primary concern (as it should be) is BM.
The idea behind FBT is to get BM to change her ways. No one is hopeful that this will happen, however. All the psychiatrists on the case think that BM will flip her lid and FBT will recommend a change in custody because it will be proven that BM is the sole reason for SD's problems.
So for now, we sit back and watch as BM makes our case for us. I hope this won't be too traumatic for SD. This is going to be a long hard road when it comes to the custody battle. We all know that BM is capable of anything.
My mom is very pleased, by the way. She's with us 100% on this.
Caitlin
You guys know that it will certainly be traumatic for this little one, but it sounds like it's being done in a way that would minimize the trauma for her and at least she will experience the negatives within the safety of a support group who will know how to help her. If all this had to happen, I don't think you could have asked for a safer way for it to happen. I know you have to be feeling a lot of relief, but also still some worries about what is to come. The big focus will be helping her deal with her sense of loss if/when you do get custody, because even though it's the best thing for her and she may secretly want it, she will be so torn over the idea of losing her mother. Not that she will actually lose her, but you know what I mean. It sounds like you guys are finally in a position where this child is getting what she needs and before you are all finished, you will have all learned some really important coping strategies that you can apply to other situations, as well. I'm so glad things are turning around for you. Now maybe you take a deep breath and enjoy your pregnancy a little!
~ Anne ~