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BAD scene at Friday night pick up

Caitlin's picture

Where to begin? My fiance got 4 comp tickets to a children's play so we arranged a surprise sleepover for SD with her friend (the one who came over on the last visit - we'll call her BFF). BFF is SD's friend from swimming. BFF's mom and BM are friendly because they both volunteer for swim team and their daughters are best friends. Well, we didn't tell BM about our plans, not because it was a secret, but because we didn't think it necessary and honestly, we knew she'd try to control it or prevent it in some way because she just wouldn't like it. We certainly weren't keeping it from her - in fact, we arranged to meet BFF at our 6pm pick up at BM's apartment so everything was out in the open.

Apparently, BM called BFF's mom about something unrelated and left a message. When BFF's mom called back and left a message for BM, she innocently said that BFF was very much looking forward to seeing SD that night. Well, BM left another message back and BFF's parents didn't say exactly WHAT she said, but just that it was ugly and they apologized profusely for starting something. We said "oh no! Don't feel bad, you naturally would have said that to her. It wasn't a secret, we just didn't think it was something to discuss with her so we didn't. We're so sorry you got stuck in the middle of this. Whoops!"

When we got there for pick up, SD was super surprised and happy to see BFF, so much to our amazement, BM didn't ruin the surprise. However - BM was in rare form. I think she was so furious that she covered it up with manic effusive excitement and just plain madness. She ran over to BFF and tussled her hair so hard she put it in a rat's nest, gave her a huge hug, then gave ME a huge hard hug, shaking me back and forth shrieking HAPPY BIRTHDAY (my birthday was last week.) I said as calmly as I could, "happy birthday to you too" (hers is next week) and smiled and tried to act normal. She gave me two birthday cards, one from her and one from SD and made a huge production about it and I quietly thanked her, trying to bring down the volume level. She loudly and excitedly said "SO WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR THIS WEEKEND? WHAT HAVE YOU GOT UP YOUR SLEEVE? WHAT ELSE ARE YOU DOING? HUH? PLANNING ANY TRIPS? SO THE OTHER SHOE HAS DROPPED, HASN'T IT?" We don't even know what the heck that was supposed to mean.

So, we actually were planning to come down to my parents' to celebrate my birthday, but at pick up and drop offs we avoid discussing anything with BM because it's never good and it upsets SD. My fiance kept saying, "I'll call you to discuss it. Let's not do this in front of SD." but she wouldn't have any part of that. "No!" she said. "It's good SD be a witness to this. Sorry, SD. It's Daddy's fault. Daddy's not communicating. BF, I need to have constant contact with SD. I need to be able to get in touch with her IN CASE HER GRANDFATHER DIES!!" SD was sobbing through all this, I was trying to distract BFF and our little one, desperate to create some kind of normalcy so BFF wouldn't be totally freaked out. It was terrible. BM was clutching SD, screaming. BF was trying and trying to end the conversation and leave, but he physically couldn't because BM had both her arms gripped tightly around her.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I marched over to them in the parking lot and said "ok, now is not the time for this. It should be kept between the adults. SD is very upset. Maybe we should bring this up at the next Family Based appointment, shall we?" Well, I've never seen a more grateful SD. She said, "yeah. I just want to have a NORMAL weekend! Please!" BM was still rattling on and I kept repeating "this conversation is not happening now" ad nauseum. She demanded "Caitlin, honey. Get over here now and talk to me." I repeated "this conversation is not happening now. Good bye." She was just seething.

We finally got all 5 of us piled into the car and the rule is that everybody is buckled before I start driving. With a carseat and two preteens in the back, SD had trouble getting her seat belt fastened because she couldn't get to the buckle. BM was there, beating on the window for an interminable amount of time, so SD finally put the window down. BM started gushing "SD, sweetie, I love you so much. I'm so sorry I upset you. Daddy didn't communicate, you see. Please tell me where you'll be. You need to be in touch at all times since Daddy won't. Please promise me. I love you." SD is getting increasingly flustered and can't get her seat belt on and finally BFF pipes up "ok, bye BM!" Bless that little girl.

We got going and BM walked and then jogged alongside the car, waving and screaming "I love you, SD! I love you so much! I'll see you on Sunday! Please call!" When we finally got out to the street, SD said "Cait, thanks for barging in like that - I guess that's not the right word... but thank you so much." I said, "I am very happy to intervene, my love. I'm so sorry that happened in front of you. We'll work on not ever letting that happen again."

And we went on to have the very best weekend ever. We still are. We're at my parents, the kids are playing outside with the cousins, and I grabbed this one free moment to share the horror story of Friday night while it's still fairly fresh. Gotta get back to the family and enjoy the rest of my day!

Comments

trepidation's picture

that's just perfectly awful. You handled it great and it sounds like the kids did too. Sad that a parent has to have a meltdown like that in front of the kids. It's very frightening and upsetting to a child to see their parent falling apart like that.

Kudos on the handling of it all and on having a wonderful weekend.

OldTimer's picture

Give her a crown for Drama Queen... geesh.

But, the sad part is what will happen when SD comes back? I just feel awful for you guys. I'm sure that BM has been pacing at home, waiting, conjuring up thoughts, obsessing over this. I wish I had some advice for that, but I just can't think but hope that you get full custody of SD. It's really for the best.

She certainly isn't making this easy, nor do I think she ever will, is she? Yeah, "Daddy's not communicating." Yeah, god only knows why!

Hugs to you and your family!

Wink StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

loonybonusmom's picture

we here stories of our skids using "big words"??? Sounds like someone is teaching bm how to use the big words here Caitlyn, and although they are still used badly, I would beware. I have lost count, and apologize, but is this not the first trimester of therapy here? Never forget how much money means to this women ie. alimony...cost of therapy for herself etc...incl. the bill her shrink gets to collect. No offence but I am not a fan of therapy and think it is a crime so many families have to pay lawyers, the courts, and the shrinks to prove who is "better for the child" or that they "should have a right to information, and access" or the fact that so many shrinks make money off these situations. Not to mention the more this woman is threatened, the more her performances will be rehearsed to save her own ass. Sorry honey, gotta go with the gut here. I doubt you have to do much more work than sit back and watch the show but keep an eye on sd! Luckily it does seem as though the "family therapist" have already caught a clue of the insanity lurking

I give you all kudos for handling the situation though. By the sounds of it co parenting counseling is really working to teach you and sd how to handle the parents!!!!! It is great to here that you had a good weekend!

Anne 8102's picture

Wow. I just don't have anything else to say except, WOW! She's definitely six nuggets shy of a Happy Meal. She does sound very manic. I have an aunt who is bi-polar and this sounds a lot like how she gets. A little too enthusiastic, a little too animiated, a little too frantic...

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

Little Jo's picture

Cailtin, holy poopers. She is a complete whack job. That is so freaken sad that BM had to pull this performance in front of 2 innocent kids.
I'm very proud of the way you handled things. I do not think I could have kept it together.

New Stepmom's picture

Well I hope SD and BFF easily forgot about what happened and had a good weekend. Poor kids! Hang in there...

Caitlin's picture

Over the weekend, SD confided in BF that BM was acting so strangely on Friday that it "scared her". She avoided going back to BM's Sunday night like the plague. It was time to leave my parents' and she came down with a stomach ache and disappeared upstairs. She and BF had a long talk and he reminded her to call him anytime she is frightened by BM's behavior, but that it was time to go back. He spoke with the Family Based team about it, and that's pretty much all we can do for now. It's heartwrenching sending her back there anyway, but especially when it's against her will!

When we got to their apartment, BM was just as sweet as a frickin' peach! We were 25 minutes late because of SD running off not wanting to leave so we were a bit freaked out about how she'd react and she acted like we were all the best of friends, chatting about our weekend. Psycho.

On another note, if you'll recall, BM tries to make it out that SD is uncomfortable at my parents' and therefore we should not take her there. She brought up a whole bunch of issues in therapy about things that supposedly happened 6 months to a year ago and it's all a bunch of BS, but anyway, as we were leaving Sunday night, SD said - and I quote - "in two weeks, can we come down to Grammy and Pop Pop's on Friday instead of Saturday so we can have two overnights? One just isn't enough. I wanna stay longer! It is sooooooo much fun here!"

Ah, the truth is so good to hear when you're blasted with lies and accusations all the time, based on a lunatic's jealousy and insecurity. We'll remember this the next time BM tries to make something up about how horrible it is at my parents' and convinces SD to say she doesn't want to come.

OldTimer's picture

I think BM is trying a different stragedy. Maybe she's starting to realize (just a little) that her temper tantrums aren't working, so she's trying another approach? LOL.

I know how you feel. I am kinda running into that. Been so used to boarding up the windows, and closing the hatch that now, it's really really weird to have SS's BM actually cordial. She has finally stopped calling about everyday, and now, we're lucky if she calls once a week! I tell you, she very cooperative- it's scary!

Let's just hope that it continues for you. (We can dream, right?)

Wink StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...