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Took SS on a date the other night. He says "WHY ME??..."

BSgoinon's picture

There are a lot of times that it is only SS and I home. My DD's go to their dad's 50% of the time, and DH still travels a lot for work. So this week, Wednesday and Thursday, it was just SS and I. We were bored, so I took him to his favorite place for dinner. We usually only go there on this bday but hey... I felt like spoiling him Wink

Disclaimer before I get in to this- I told SS about a year ago that I will never talk bad about his mom, and I will never offer him information about her. But if he ASKS me questions, he better be prepared for the truth because I am not going to lie for her anymore. That's been status quo for about a year.

He started telling me about his weekend with his grandparents (BM's dad and stepmom). He went to lunch with his grandma, alone. She had a lot to say about BM. So SS was telling me some of the she said about her. "She said that she (BM) has been really mean to her for a long time, even telling her she is going to kick her a-s-s" apparently they also talked about how she always wears this stupid White Sox baseball cap and grandma looked it up on the internet and saw that it is the #1 hat worn by gang members.

Anyway, after a while SS just started talking about BM and the things that he saw when he was still spending time with her on a regular basis. Apparently (and I assumed all of this was happening) she would take him to the pot shop. He told me that she was dealing drugs to people that lived in this trailer park that she "worked" at. She told him she was selling them cigarettes, but he saw stuff in her purse when they would go there. He didn't know what it was until he saw Breaking Bad (which is why we let him watch it, gave him a little insight to her life without us having to TELL him... apparently, it worked). He told me that he was scared when he was with her, but he didn't want to tell us because he thought we would have her put in jail.

I had to hold back tears the entire time. I wanted to squeeze him, and never let go, and strangle her neck at the same time. There were a lot of little things like, he would tell her he didn't want to ride in the car with Meth Man driving because he didn't have a license and she would tell him to shut up in get in the car. She would show him the weed she bought at the pot shop like it made her "cool" or something. He said "I can't even call her MOM anymore. It makes me sick to my stomach. The last time I really spent time with her more than just a meal was at grandpas (when DH and I went on a cruise last September. He stayed at his grandparents and she showed up there. Stayed a few hours and SS told her she needed to leave.) they were playing a game and he was keeping score. He said "I couldn't even write MOM on the score sheet. I wrote her name".

I apologized to him. I told him I am sorry his mom is like that. I know she loves you, she has a problem and she needs to get help. He said "I can't say it's ok, because its NOT ok.. but it's like... WHY ME? Why does she have to be MY MOM? Why couldn't YOU have just been MY MOM"... TEARS... ugh. I am your mom buddy. Always and forever. I'm not going ANYWHERE.

During the course of the dinner he tells me that she requested to follow him on instagram and he let her, and followed her back. I told him that he's old enough to make those decisions now and that I had made it so he couldn't see her profile before because she had posted some inappropriate stuff that he didn't need to see. He said "like what".. I told him... a picture of her and METH MAN, naked from the waist up. He says "I am going to unfollow her RIGHT NOW" He didn't tell me that at the same time, he blocked her. Yesterday she posts on her FB "That's real great, my son just blocked me and deleted me from his instagram, AGAIN".

I don't know what she expects.


moeilijk's picture

She thinks that wanting something is enough, so she should have it. She wants a great relationship with her son - magic wand - DONE! She wants to have a great life and do drugs - magic wand - DONE!

My 3 year old is like this sometimes.

AshMar654's picture

It was sweet you took him on a date. Sounds like he needed it and needed to really talk about somethings. You are great!

BSgoinon's picture

SS has NEVER told me or ANYONE that I am not his "real mom". He wouldn't do that. Ever.

DH and I have been together since the kids were 1 and 2 years old. They don't really know life without each other. All of my kids, step and bio, get 1 on 1 time with both DH and I. I have 3 kids. They all have me 100% of my time. We are a family.

BSgoinon's picture

Awe, well... you can believe it. I've been on this board a LLLOOONNNGGGG time. Everyone here pretty much knows my story. Not all stepkids are evil. We have worked hard to bring stability to his life.

There was a time that BM and I got a long. After nearly 13 years of this, we have had our fair share of roller coaster rides. SS has never been an issue. Just BM.

BSgoinon's picture

This kid is wise beyond his years. He had to grow up quick having a BM like his. He appreciates me now, I can't see that changing when he is an adult. One of the things he told me the other night was that he will NEVER live with BM again as long as he has a say so. Even if she quit drugs right now and went to rehab. He doesn't trust her, "she chose METH MAN and drugs over me, and that's not ok with me".

SS has always known who takes care of him. DH has traveled for work for 8 years. BM have been pretty much completely out of his life for nearly 2 years. And prior to that she was fading away for several years already. He knows. He's smart.

BSgoinon's picture

And DH does with my girls as well. Of course there are normal bumps in the road, but nothing more than what a nuclear family would deal with.

Tuff Noogies's picture

so sad. it's heartbreaking to watch. i'm so glad he has you guys, and he can come to terms for himself with what and who his egg donor is. it makes it harder since he *used* to have a relationship with her...

i remember when the boys were younger, and lurch made the comment to kaos that "mom's just not in a good place right now". that was the beginning of the heartbreak of watching his eyes slowly open in regards to her. even kaos, her baby, acted all hinky when she randomly showed up at his awards ceremony in may, he'd barely speak to her and avoided eye contact. as soon as she left he was all chatty and bubbly, back to normal. so now i know he's also opened his eyes.

it's an awful thing, and so depressing to not be able to save them from it. all you can do is just be there, and it seems you are doing a fanTASTIC job of that.

BSgoinon's picture

That's exactly how things started with telling SS the truth about BM. It was "you are going to stay with us full time until BM can get things situated.... She's not in a good place right now". He already knew that. But that is all we would ever say until he was a little older and could understand what he was seeing.

moving_on_again's picture

You just made me tear up at work, I have no idea how you didn't break down! I am so thankful that he has you. I would choke her out for you if I could.

ctnmom's picture

He's SO LUCKY to have you! I had many similar convos with CTBB while he was growing up (BTW he just hit the big 4-0 y'all). My religion actually kept it easy lol, I would tell him we're all put here for a reason, we're all born to the people we're born to for a purpose blah blah, maybe your precious SS's BM was put here to have him!! Who knows? I always told CTBB the truth too, just a little age appropriate and sugar coated. Smile You guy is going to be fine BS- large part due to you. Wink

BSgoinon's picture

Thanks Smile I feel good about how we have handled this throughout the years. And I have had my share of disappointments. But I can say that biting my tongue all those years and just putting a smile on while she slowly dug her own grave was the best way to handle it. We just made sure SS was always safe and cared for.

I do, honestly, wish that he had a normal mom. That he could be proud of. But this is the hand he was dealt. And I am blessed to be able to have him in my life.

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

The BM sounds like she's stuck at age 12 mentally.

You're a great mom to YOUR son.

BSgoinon's picture

Funny you say that. That's one of the things SS said about her the other night. She never grew up. Tries to act like some gangster teenager.

Thank you, that means a lot to me.

onwednesdayswewearpink's picture

Thank god he has you!!! I can't imagine what this kid's life would have been life if his egg donor was raising him.

notasm3's picture

My sister in law has a unicorn SD. The bio father got full custody when she was about 7. When she and her first DH (the bio father) divorced when the girl was a young teen, she kept custody and raised her.

They have always been so close. More so than many bio mothers and daughters. The SD and her now grown daughters just love my SIL.

When her SD was in her late 20s she asked my SIL to adopt her. Which she did. The bio mother had the same problems that Bsgoinon's poor SS has to put up with. The bio father was not like that at all, but he was on the irresponsible side.

The SD (now real daughter via adoption) really appreciated who was always there for her. So it can happen.