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Things SD does to make herself the *outsider*

Someoneelse's picture

SD -

did things to destroy my and my daughter property (several times in one summer)

anytime a holiday comes up, she wants to spend it with her mom, because she hasn't seen x (some random family member i don't know) in forever. she hasn't seen DHs family in forever either, and they are all passing away. But she doesn't care.

Any time one of my DDs (17 and 18) do something, acheives something, SD has to 'one up' them. DD gets her score back on SAT or PSAT or state testing, SD got a "better grade" which I'm sorry, but SD is as dumb as a box of rocks, there is NO WAY that she got the score she says, also she miraculously forgets her sign in to check the scores online *insert laugh*.

any time I think we are bonding, and i walk by, and give her a side poke tickle, she screams, I look at her in shock, because I LITERALLY barely touched, her, she says "how do you like this" and DRIVES her fingers into my arm as HARD as she possibly can, I can tell this is what she's doing because of the look on her face contorting as if shes giving ALL her strength she can muster.

When she goes on "sister dates" with my DDs that they HOPE they can bond with her, she tells them, it would be so much better with out DD18, look DD18, you're the odd one out. She does this because DD17 is more popular at school, DD18 is more of a laid back person, who goes with the flow, so she sees DD17 as the one who holds power, and THATS how she makes her friends at school, she USES people to gain power, to gain SOMETHING. DD17 knows this and doesn't play along, she tells SD16 thats shes being mean and needs to stop. but then its a huge fight.

She's bullied DD18 in being suicidal, literally DD (at the time 12 and 13) tried to kill herself more than once because SD is SOOOO mean, when we first moved in SD6 DD7 and DD8 all called each other siblings, and DDs called DH daddy (they still do), that was solely on them, DH nor i asked them to, infact we told them not to, because we were still newly moved in, but they continued, but after a while we just let them, it felt comfortable for both them and him. later I was walking in the hallway, and I see SD with her hands on her hips and my DD18 (7 or 8 at the time) was looking like she was holding back her tears, but was about to burst into floodgates. I asked what was up, DD said SD was telling her how DH was really only her daddy, and not DDs' and hell never be. SD looked like she just got caught. I had SD go and tell DH what she had said while I consoled my daughter. (whats really heartwrenching is that my daughters never knew their dad, as soon as I was pregnant, he went to jail for spousal abuse towards me, and then he was bailed out andskipped bail and ran. so the whole daddy thing REALLY is a sensitive subject for them.

SD turns EVERYTHING anyone says around. and DH has caught her in doing this. She wanted to ice DD18 (at the time 15) birthday cake, but for some reason she didn't want to use all the icing and was leaving EMPTY spaces, to which DD18 offered to help, each time DD offered to help, SD said no, i can do it, but was still leaving empty spaces, so DD18 offered to do it, and I said, why don't you let DD ice the cake, since you're having difficult time getting all the empty spots? SHE FLIPPED OUT, oh my gosh, she starte screaming and crying that we were being mean to her, DH came out of the bedroom, and was like, SD whats the problem? "SM was being so mean telling me i keep missing spots on the cake and was like 'WhY DoN't YoU LeT Dd18 Do iT?' making it sound like i was being rude and mocking. Then when I was making a tomato dish, she came and asked about it, and then mentioned that she gets heart burn when she eats too much tomato or tomato sauce, to which I responded "wow, it seems like you get it alot." to which she freaked out, telling DH that i was questioning the validity of her heart burn....

ANYTIME we play board/card/video games, she singles me out and ONLY "attacks" me.... I refuse to play card games when shes here anymore. we used to have a weekly "family game night", that went to no more. she "somehow" sprained her ankle while on our family vacation last year, but when nobody was looking (or she thought nobody was looking) she'd walk completely normal. When DDs would say, hey, it looks like you're feeling better, she'd act OFFENDED and blow up on everyone. DDs ended up in trouble because she made DH believe that they were whispering about her (which they very well may have, but they WEREN'T being rude to her, but maybe talking about how she seemed to be walking fine (which I ALSO saw her walking completely fine as well)

when her grandfather died (DH's father) something happened (i forget exactly what arguement) but the month later, SD decided she wasn't going to come back for visitation, for a while, which tore DH up, even further.

Now this time because SHE badmouthed DD17 to DD18 and to her friends and DD18 told DD17, then DD17 cussed SD16 out because of it, then SD went CRAZY, hyperventalating, making herself vomit, talking about how NOBODY comes to talk to her about what happened, how nobody is on her side, how she was COMPLETELY wronged, and EVERYONE owes her an apology. and now she is pulling the whole, "I don't think i am going to be coming back for visitation for a while" again, this time DH could care less it SEEMS, I just hope she doesn't want to come on family vacation with us next week.


At this point I don't even think i want her in my home. I don't think I will ever be ok with her again.

Survivingstephell's picture

Your DH needs to experience life without drama.  All he knows right now is what you have.  You need to force him to experience a vacation with peace. Put your foot down. 

Someoneelse's picture

I have told him, and he KNOWS how I feel, but he says "It wouldn't be right to tell my daughter, my family, that they can't come on the family vacation and be part of the family".

Winterglow's picture

Then either he takes her someplace else for her "family vacation" or he tells her that at the first squeak or bitchiness or bullying from her he will be taking her home (didn't he already tell you he would do that?)  and it will be her last trip as a family ever. He also needs to give her examples of her appalling behaviour so taht she is in no doubt that he means it.

Survivingstephell's picture

Your DH needs to experience life without drama.  All he knows right now is what you have.  You need to force him to experience a vacation with peace. Put your foot down. 

advice.only2's picture

I'm curious how you continued to be around SD after she bullied your child to the point of almost suicide? That's a level of forgiveness I just don't have in me, even if the person is a child.

Someoneelse's picture

It's extremely difficult, I have extreme levels of anxiety and PTSD from SD, I can't stand her, and everytime I look at her  i want to vomit, but i remind myself, dd has depression, and that is not SD's fault, if DD didn't have depression, it wouldn't have escalated to that.  I don't FULLY blame sd, but i still do blame her for quite a bit of it.  As I've explained to my other DD, dd18 needed a safe place where people didn't judge her or bully her (as she was bullied terribly in school), and that should have been home, but when sd was here, she didn't have a safe place here either. I get that my dd18 was awkward, and that made her a target for bullies, and so life was already going to be hard, but at home, she should have been able to feel secure and safe and loved. 

Dd was able to turn to me and Dh, she found some equally awkward friends at school, she started drawing (which she's amazing at). she's endured a lot which i think has made her an extremely strong person, much more strong than someone who lives life as superficially as SD does. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

OMG she is way too much drama. I would suggest you flipping the script and talking to DH about how you believe that SDs issues may be the result of her feeling insecure about her relationship with DH. 

You feel that it is in SDs best interest to spend her time visiting exclusively with DH without having to share her time with him with you or your DDs. 

Taking this stance has several benefits. You are not being the bad guy, you are thinking of SD and what's in her best interest. You and your DDs get the space you need from SD. DH has to deal with SD and her behavior all in his own without other people for SD to scapegoat.

I have used this tactic with SO for quite some time and it has worked very well. SO has no choice but to see how SDs really are and deal with it on his own . He has learned he doesn't really like the people his kids have become and he has started setting boundaries with them.

I still have to stay firm in my stance. Just recently SO was ready to invite YSD to spend time with all of us as a family. I put a cabosh to that and SO has avoided making plans with YSD since. See SO has no problems with his kids when there are other people around to deal with it. But he does care if forced to deal with it on his own. Why because he can't blissfully if ignore Thier behavior and he is the one who is aggravated and frustrated.