Harsh Reality. And Lessons Learned over the years...
I've been far from perfect in my role as a SM. For the most part I have held my tongue around SS when it comes to my REAL thoughts and feelings about BM. I have had my moments of lashing out at BM. Once, right in front of SS. I was so disappointed in myself. After the words, very LOUDLY fell out of my mouth "WHY DON'T YOU TRY BEING A MOM FOR ONCE". SS's eyes as big as can be filled up with tears "stop FIGHTING". Sadly, that 5 year old kid (at the time) was FAR more mature than I was. I felt so small in that moment. So... stupid.
I later apologized to both of them. Individually. But I also had a conversation with SS about not talking bad about his parents in front of or TOO him, and that I was wrong to do such a thing. His little 5 year old self told me that his mom talks bad about DH to him all of the time. My heart sank. I don't want to be on her level. And... HOW DARE SHE.
Fast forward several years. DH and I have sat back and watched her go from a somewhat involved and simi-responsible parent and adult, to what she is today. We have witnessed her decline, she went from attending every single parent teacher meeting, every award ceremony, every baseball game... to seeing him a MAXIMUM of 4 hours a week, at her own will. But through it all, we have never made one single negative comment about her to SS. Meanwhile, she spent the past 11 years filling his head with how horrible we are, and that we just want to take him away from her. Now... he has made the decision ON HIS OWN, to not be with her.
SS and I are so very close now. He told me last night that I am his best friend. *cute* The random "I love you" and million hugs a day, prove that he really does appreciate and love me. For years, I would get my feelings hurt watching him idolize his mom, as I could see her slipping further and further away from being an actual MOM. It killed me inside. He was just a little boy, but I did everything for him... yet she was the one that he would want to be with, she was the one that got the random "I love you's". Tore me up inside. Not that I didn't want him to do that for her. I just wanted to be recognized, and appreciated.
I completely believe, that had involved ourselves in trash talking about her to, or in front of SS that he would not have the level of respect and love for me (and his dad) that he does. All of those years of biting my tongue until it would bleed has led us to where we are today. And I am certain that SS is well aware that alllll of the crap BM would talk about DH and I, was just that... a bunch of CRAP.
Just my thoughts today. I am far... VERY far from perfect, but I feel like we have done the right thing here, even when we REALLY didn't want to. Some days telling him the truth feels like the right (easy) thing to do, so he will just KNOW. But... I think the fact that we haven't, has saved our relationship with SS. He could have slipped so far away. I am so glad that he didn't.
- BSgoinon's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
This is really beautiful!
This is really beautiful! It's also a wonderful reminder for me to continue being the bigger person in my own conflicts with step-parenting. Thank you.
DH and I never bad-mouthed
DH and I never bad-mouthed Medusa, even though she did exactly what your BM did, BS. We still say nothing about her to this day.
You have a great situation, and I am happy for you.
I think your assessment is entirely accurate.
We went through this. BM had
We went through this. BM had SS a little brain washed a few years ago. BM wanted to meet with DH with SS there to "inform" DH of "what I was doing when he wasn't around. I was home when they met, but I was upstairs. About 15 minutes in to the conversation DH came upstairs and got me. He KNEW that the stories SS was telling BM were exaggerated, and that BM was feeding in to the drama of it to try to make me look bad. So... we had SS repeat the "accusations" with me in the room to which I counter back with the FACTS about what happened in each situation. Shut them down REAL QUICK. At the end of the conversation I simply said to both of them, I know you are REALLY searching for something to hold over my head to prove that I am this bad person you want me to be, but the fact of the matter is, I love SS. And I would never do anything to harm him in any way, not even psychologically, as you are accusing me of. You very well could be guilty of doing to SS exactly what you are accusing me of doing, but we would never know. You want to know why? Because we don't discuss you and your relationship with SS with him. That is YOUR business. YOU get to nurture that in whatever manner you see fit, just like WE get to nurture ours. So long as YOU stay out of it and stop feeding him negative lines of straight up B*LLSH*T, we will be just fine. So... thanks for coming by, and try harder next time. You failed. Then, DH laid in to SS for lying about me.
Thank you. That means a lot
Thank you. That means a lot to me. There are times when my heart just aches for SS. I know this has to be hard on him. I'm not even sure which scenario is the lesser of two evils. Having her around, sober but still be the nasty, toxic person she is but at least SS has his mom around. Or... the way it is... with her gone.
I've always wondered how your
I've always wondered how your BM got started down that path. I've searched for your blogs but they don't go that far back or atleast I couldn't find the beginning. I often think my SS's BM is like yours but then again not. Most days I don't think she would ever do anything to lose SS4 and that includes drugs. But then other days I hear how often she secretly leaves SS with her mom or aunt to go out drinking with friends. She goes to most of his things and never misses a chance to be mother of the year when it's free but then again she does miss things like his Christmas party so that she can take off the next day instead for her own birthday. I keep up with you because I often wonder if this is how it starts or not. Half of me thinks that she gets too much joy out of showing SS4 off and he's such an extension of her that she wouldn't do anything to ruin that but then again you never know. Not knowing is the hardest thing in Steplife besides keeping my mouth shut when I don't like what she's doing.
Maxwell, I delete every so
Maxwell, I delete every so often because I have been found here before. Not by BM, but by my OWN wicked stepmonster
well... EX-Stepmonster. She really was a bad person. Anyway, I'm pretty sure there are posters on this site that deal with worse BM's than I do. But her change has been somewhat gradual. I've been with DH for 11 years, SS is 12. When DH and I first started dating BM was all about "keep your whore away from MY son". She actually found SS's preschool, and registered him... but honestly, the extent of her parental duties pretty much stopped there. Since I am the one that enrolled him in to Kindergarten, and have done everything in that aspect for him since then. I don't know what the real turning point was for her. Something had to have triggered her transition from being a "pothead" to a full blown junkie.
I do know that this woman will do just about ANYTHING to keep a man. Her current "interest" that is in and out of her life is a complete junkie, I know that is what has pushed her over the edge to full blown USER. But, it was bad before he came along. She met him through a junkie friend of hers. I will try to post something of a "chain of events" when I have some time. Maybe it can help you gauge where your BM is at in the time line of MOTY status.
I remember reading posts here 8 years ago thinking OK, BM is bad but she isn't anything like THAT. She was more just... annoying, and controlling. And desperately trying to get DH back. I've said it before, and I will say it again, I never thought it would turn out like this. I was having this conversation with one of my good friends this morning. She was my neighbor when DH and I bought our first house together about 9 years ago. She has seen it right before her eyes too. She said it too... who would have thought... ? Not me.
You are an amazing lady and
You are an amazing lady and SS is lucky to have you as his SM. I know you say he is a good kid with a big heart -part of why he is and does- is reflective of your influence.
Probably the best compliment
Probably the best compliment I could receive. If he is the way he is at all because of me, then... well, I'm not sure I could have a better accomplishment in life than my kids. All of them are such a blessing.
Sueu, thank you your kind
Sueu, thank you your kind words mean a lot to me.
We are currently going through the rebellious stage with my 14YO daughter. The kid I could never imagine breaking a rule in her life, it sucks. It hurts and I can't wait for it to be over. Devastating when a child you love so much, lies straight to your face. Well, she didn't lie to me, but to her dad, which is just as bad to me.
Teenagers suck and I'm sure SS will be no exception. I remember how I rebelled when I was younger. My parents divorced when I was 13. BOTH of them talked crap about each other. I lived with my mom, but didn't want to be around either of them. SO... I found a boyfriend that they hated. Typical. I'm not looking forward to this stage with him, but we will make it through. Just like we have every thing else.
Thank you for sharing
Thank you for sharing
Never was heard a
Never was heard a discouraging word about the Girhippo. In fact, to this day, Chef defends her if I say something about her, of course, the skids are long since PASed out and easily brainwashed.
The Gir has always been a kabuki theatre mom. All for show lovey, smoochy, kissy, BFF MOTY but when no authorities are present, she can't pawn them off fast enough.
By contrast, she and her family had 24/7 clockwork orangesque PAS indoctrination going on from day one of the break up.
I'm glad your SS can think for himself and there's been a glimmer of hope despite all the trial and tribulation.
I am grateful for your post.
I am grateful for your post. It has helped me to see where I have fallen down as a SM. I've fallen far and I really don't know if I can ever come back (in their eyes". I spend lots of time self-loathing because I know that as the adult I should have been able to rise above this stuff. It has just been so hard, with all of the other stuff that BM's behavior has involved. I used to do really well, and then I just got worn down. I rarely say anything about her, but I think the damage has been done with the things I *have* said, along with her constant hi jinx.
I'm happy that you have such a good relationship with your SS and that you kept your cool and your class all the time. Brava! You inspire me.
MJL2010, Don't beat yourself
MJL2010, Don't beat yourself up. Trust me, the times that I did eff up, I did so in a big way. I didn't just tell SS that his mom was crap, I yelled at her and berated her in front of him. I don't think it gets worse than that.
None of us are perfect, and SM jobs certainly don't come with instructions!! Hang in there.