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SD17's graduation from high school is coming up, and I so need your input.

bewitched's picture

SD17 is graduating in May. She also is turning 18 in May. For those of you who have followed my upside down inside out turmoil over her, over H and SD17's tag team behaviour, this will be just another example of how me and mine don't count, but H & SD17 are the "chosen ones" in this "family".

When it came time for SD17 to send out announcements, H volunteered me to send hers out. Which I promptly refused to do. SD17 asked me for the address of H's sisters, which I gave her. She had H give me one for my parents.

This is already turning into the circus, for SD17. H and BM are renting the County Club for her after graduation party. Which I argued, simply due to the fact that our finances are currently in the dump, and I am very worried about just making ends meet.

Then this weekend, SD17 turns to H and asks "Have you talked to Mom about food for the party?" What? H never bothered to tell me we were feeding everyone too!

But the real issue is my son. And here's where I desperately need your opinions. I've watched my son be treated as tho he is not as "important" as H and his kids ever since we got married. Yes, he is grown, and it's not financial needs I'm talking about here.

On SD17's birthday last May, my son helped install the radio H bought her for a bd present (tho she was already getting my car). My son was here for Thanksgiving. He and I were the ones who did all the clean up from the meal, while H and his darlings played games. Christmas my son, who used to live in this house, had to get a motel room, because H insisted his darling could not drive 30 miles home that night. (Tho H had to leave for work at 7:00 pm, so he wasn't even here). That's the picture.

So, the issue is-SD17 did not send my son a graduation announcement (invitation). Neither she nor H asked for his address, there was absolutely no mention whatsoever of my son.
While H and I are on the rocks, and I am looking to become financially independent of him, the fact remains that my BS is still SD17's stepbrother. The fact is he has always been polite to H and his kids. And it's not like she's never been around him. H and I dated for alot of years-one year, when my bs was still in school, he spent Christmas day putting together a race car track H (then bf) bought his kids for Christmas. My BS helped H (then bf) paint H's mother's house. So SD17 has known my BS for many years.

What I don't want to do is mention it to H yet. What I feel like doing, in my heart of hearts, is wait until the week before graduation, and tell him I will not be attending. Because if my son is not good enough to go, neither am I.

Feedback, please!


BMJen's picture

I would tell her and DH that you and son are going out to dinner and a movie.

I really wouldn't go.

Hanny's picture

Then this weekend, SD17 turns to H and asks "Have you talked to Mom about food for the party?"

So was your stepdaughter at our house this weekend? I thought she wasn't allowed to come back to your house? I thought you weren't talking to her since you sent her the e-mail telling her not to come back. If so, then it shouldn't be a problem.

petitesphinx's picture

My feedback:

Please don't stoop to the levels of some BM and SMs. Do the right thing. You can't control the BM or SD, but you can control your actions and prove that you above the petty stuff.

He's your husband. Please talk to him and explain to him what's going on in your mind. Not to knock men, but honey, they're not all known for their keen senses! He might be totally oblivious to what you feel is going on with SD and BS.

If you don't go and BM is there with her daughter, you will look like the jealous selfish SM. And that's not the case; that is not who you are. Prove that you love YOUR family-blood or not. And that you're classy enough to show up. The last thing you want is for hubby to be there where BM is and you're not there to back him up. That wouldn't help matters.

Can you tell hubby that you feel SD should send an invite to her big brother? I'm sure he'll agree and be like.."Oh, yeah..she hasn't yet?" Don't look like the bad guy here and let your marriage ruin over a silly celebration that will only last a few hours one day. It's not worth it. In the big picture of's not worth it. And I can't wait for my SGs to be 18!! No more fighting with BM, no more giving them all our money, no more every other weekends! Wooo-who!! I can't wait!


What I think:

Only a fool would mistreat the person responsible for his/her kids every other weekend.

She has chunks of her brain missing.

sparky's picture

Invitations are basically meaningless to the receiver and the sender. When one receives an invitation to graduation it simply means if you can attend great, if not please send a gift anyway because my love includes a price tag. She didnt send one to your son because she knows that he doesn't have a couple of 100's to drop for cash or the gift so she could care less if he gets one.
Who is going to pay 1,000 for the food bill? Where did the money come from to pay for the country club?

sparky's picture

This marriage is already over she just has not signed the papers yet. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOg story so go back and read the blogs.

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

weekend here, back, and H wanted to take his d's out to eat.

Kind of funny, actually. Because we no longer eat out, due to finances being in the dumpster. SD14 is learning to drive, so H was up front, in the passenger seat. Sd14 was driving. SD17 comes out to get in the Jeep, and jerks open the back seat passenger door-on the side where I was sitting. You should've seen her expression lol!

Anyway, I told H since the budget is so tight, we would eat at Sonic, instead of the steakhouse where he normally takes them. SD17 spent the ride harrassing SD14 about her driving. Said very little to me, and I said very little to her. She did ask H if she could get her lower teeth whitened (she has Luminaires on her top front teeth). He said yes, she sure can, if she pays for it!
So SD17 turns to me, lifts up her shirt, and says "I've been tanning. There's nothing else to do, so I've been tanning". I just looked at her. Didn't say a word.

Then she asked H when is he going to fix her car.

That was the conversation from SD17. Wants teeth whitened. What food are you (H) buying for my party. Fix my car. So she's sitting there with her salon manicured fake nails, with her salon waxed eyebrows, and her salon tan, saying spend, spend, spend on me. That's all she talked about.

And I said hello and goodbye. Not much else.

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

I don't want him to receive a "hastily addressed" invitation and be an "afterhought". He's a good, loving son. And he deserves better treatment, than he has received, from H and SD17. that's why I want to wait-because I don't want my bs to receive the insult of being an afterthought. And that's exactly what would happen.

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

That's where things stood before I realized my bs wasn't being invited. Because money is so tight right now, I was shopping on ebay for a used dress for the occassion. But we can rent the country club. We can feed however many people she has decided are good enough to attend (of course, that excludes my son).

H's paycheck was garnished by the IRS, and all the paychecks for at least 3 years will continue to be garnished, leaving us with $400.00 every two weeks. Yet he agrees to rent the country club for SD17. So they can have their moment in the spotlight.

A twisted, but true, picture of how things are.

I won't be buying that used dress, tho. Because, thanks to all your support, I won't be attending. Think I'll use the money for the dress and buy gas to go visit my son.

Gestalt's picture

Does the girl (being a self involved 17 year old) just assume that because your son is part of the family that he doesn't really need an invite? that he would just be assumed to be attending?

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." -Jennifer Edwards

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

another state. She had H give me one for my parents (they do have money).

And sorry if I sound defensive. I am defensive of my son. I have seen H lavish this girl with everything; I've taken her rudeness, her attitude. And I'm basically sick and tired of my son being an "oversight" in this "family".

Again, just another case of all for H and his, and me and mine are "afterthoughts".

Gestalt's picture

defensive, I just threw it out there as a possibility, you know your situation and whether it is intentional or not.

I would definitely bring it up to hubby and the girl sooner rather than later. After your son has been so good to everyone, he deserves better than this.

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." -Jennifer Edwards

sarahbernheart's picture

to be defensive, if it were my sons, I would definitely get my dandruff up.
BW are you sure you even want to be there? and why would you want to be?
you really dont owe these two anything.
go visit your son, take your dress that you got and you two go bowling!!

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

pennyone's picture

I agree with mustang...when my daughter graduated we had hamburgers and hotdogs. SD17 was at the graduation because she is in the band..then ditched everyone and went to a pool daughter didn't mind, the less she saw of her the better..I know my daughter will not go to SD17's graduation in 2010

sparky's picture

If I were you I would just forget the whole thing. What a farce????????? These people having their party at the COUNTRY CLUB when your H is getting ready to be homeless! What a sham????????

WowjustWow's picture

Country Clubs are for Weddings and anniversary parties, not HS graduation. My parents had people over to our house and had some food catered by a friend, the rest was cook out style. I loved it.

SD17 needs to get a grip, along with DH.

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

tell H, it's not going to be gentle either.

When my son graduated, I had a little party here at the house for him. But doing the same for SD17 wouldn't have been good enough, impressive enough, for her.

It's ridiculous, even without the fact that my bs wasn't extended the courtsey of an invite. Is it any wonder H is in financial trouble?

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

managed to save over the last 10 months of marriage.

that's how he's paying for everything, including the "toys" he just had to have a month ago. Soon enough, that will be gone too.

Gestalt's picture

not supporting the event financially...let him and mom figure it out- their kid- their party- their problem

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." -Jennifer Edwards

BMJen's picture

You need a really good smack upside the head right now girl. How can you let this man spend the money that you've managed to put away on his IDIOT daughter??? Take that damn money out of the bank TODAY and go rent a apt and get the hell out of this life.

OMG, just fly to GA. You can come stay with me. I'll build you a little house in the back! LOL!

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

I'd get an apartment-except-this is my parents house!

I'd also work hard for my keep-I wash walls, windows, cook, clean, and I'm thrifty too!

Have I sold myself to anyone yet? Wink

BridgingTheGap's picture

You have wasted way too much time accomodating DH and SD. SD has shown no signs of gratitude and will probably still find something about her party to complain about. Spend absolutely none of your hard earned money on this graduation party. Her party should be the responsibility of DH and SD's mother. You and your son can spend the time laughing at how ridiculous DH is for giving that spoiled brat a party that she certainly doesn't deserve.

BMJen's picture

And while you are at it bring your boys, or atleast let them know that they are welcome in my house! LOL!!

I wouldn't go BW, I really wouldn't go to that stupid girls graduation. I would take my boy out to dinner and laugh our heads off at how stupid DH and her really are!

TinaKay's picture

and I was not invited to her graduation, nor did I show interest in attending the cemermony and I did not go...

I made DH sit alone with his ex and her new man, his daughters graduation. It made him uncomfortable enough to not want to attend any more functions like that in the future, more so if he has to be near his ex.
He took pictures and I did not download them into the computer, told him I wanted nothing to do with it and they were accidentily erased before downloaded... I could care less.

I wouldn't go.
I didn't and glad I didn't.

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

if I committed an "oversight" and forgot SD17 or H for anything?

Like it was an "oversight" that she didn't even get us a card when we got married. That even tho she got MY car for her birthday, it was an "oversight" that she didn't even give me a card for mine? And she was right here-because my b.d. was on mothers day last year, and we spent the day with MIL. Oh yeah. Not with my mom, not on my birthday, but with MIL and H's kids & sisters. Nice, huh?

I'll be developing amnesia when it comes to SD17. 18th birthday? Big deal. She won't be getting anything from this woman. That way she can't turn her nose up at any gift from me, like she did the car, like she did the Christmas presents.

sparky's picture

"One last observation-do you all know what HELL would break loose" Bring it on. Maybe he would get so mad he would leave instead of you having to take out eviction papers.

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

to having it at his rental house...oops, silly me. Of course he can't do that-that house is going up for tax sale in two weeks.

Does anyone out there think this is bizarre besides me? He's renting the Country Club for his darling while he hasn't paid taxes on his property in years???

Think I must be losing my mind.....

Sorry to ramble, but this befuddles my brain....

Most Evil's picture

pronto! NO WAY would I contribute or participate in this 'party'. Go visit your son or heck stay home and watch TV but do NOT honor these people who do NOT honor you!! (or your sweet son!)

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

juanita47's picture

For my BD 17 we had a back yard potluck everyone brought a little something and everyone had a great time even her friends brought chips and pop etc it was an evening to not forget,If your BS is not being thought of here well he comes first as well as yourself i agree go out for dinner and a movie mother son night that would be so nice

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

There is some savings-that I saved out of H's paychecks since we've been married. Rightfully, he is entitled to half. That would leave me with enough to perhaps pay my bills for a month, or at the most, 2 months, with everything cut to the minimum. I've been job searching for 4 solid months-been on two interviews and not got the position. I just am so afriad of ending up not being able to pay my bills. I may have nothing else in life, but my name, and its good. My debts are my obligation, and I feel that being able to meet those obligations is of more importance.

I won't let him spend us out of all the savings-he'll be out on his hiney in the event he even tries. Meantime, I am doing everything I possibly can to be financially independent of him.

It's gotten so bad-that when I sent in my application to Walmart-who always seems to be hiring, I didn't even get a call back on it.

Tara12's picture

BW - I was shocked to read your post because I thought you would never even dream of attending this event for that rotten sd. Girl I have been poor too but I made it just fine with a kid to support on my own and I didn't have a house that I could live in for free. You can too it will be hard but isn't it better to have your sanity and your peace and quiet then having to live with H? I'm sure your parents would be more than happy to help you for awhile so you can get out of this mess.

Also how could you possibly stop him from taking out all the savings? He is so shady and has done all these things behind your back and spends money all over the place and yells at you if you spend too much money on groceries. How much longer do you think that money is going to last sitting there? I would take half of it now because if he gets any idea about you planning to divorce his ass he is not going to give a rats pootie about you and he is going to leave you sitting there with NOTHING and think nothing of doing so. Do you seriously think he is going to give you anything? I'm flabbergasted...

livingonaslipperyslope's picture

I suppoe since he is the only one working technically it's his money (although it should be both) and he can spend it however he likes. I would show him your family budget and say here's how much we can contribute to the party. Where is the rest coming from?
I am sorry your son didn't get invited, that is totally classless, but did you really expect anything less from this self-centered creature?