The reality has set in, I'm sad. And now H is trying manipulation. I sign papers this week.
Ever since the big blow up on the phone, the restraining order, H has been trying to his damnedest to "charm" me. Now all of a sudden, today, I am "sweetheart". It sounded foreign coming from him. I haven't heard that term once in 14 months of marriage.
He cries. He says he is homesick. Huh? How can he be homesick already? His usual time to be home isn't even until this coming Friday. He says he misses Bewitched. How could he miss me, when the last month and 1/2, every free fun time moment he had was spent either playing cards with his buddies or indulging SD18? He says things will be different. He says he knows he treated me wrong. Says he knows he and SD18 treated me wrong. And he cries.
But, Hey, Bewitched, IF we actually split, I'm going to buy an RV. Yep, instead of wasting money renting motel rooms when I go to see the girls, I'm going to buy an RV. He actually sounded quite excited about it.
Twisted minds. A divorce. A perfect reason to go buy the RV he's been wanting. Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick. I am sick. Sickened by what this guy really really is.
This coming weekend is his off weekend. Originally, he told me he made an appointment with a counselor. Would I please please go. Even if I didn't, he said, he knows he's wronged me and will go himself.
Hah. Now he calls me at work today-a call I did not answer. I do not take personal calls at work, for one thing, and had just gotten off the phone with my attorney, the papers are ready to file, for another.
What did he want? He wanted me to leave his good jeans, a couple of shirts, and his boots in a bag on the porch for someone (?) to pickup. He's staying at his apartment this weekend after all. So much for the counselor, huh? But I said nothing. Just that I could not leave work to get his clothes for him. I know H. I know exactly what he's doing. I'm certain he is taking the money he closed the checking account with and going gambling. His true passion. But I didn't say a word.
Because when he tries to pull his "I love you, Bewitched". "I wronged you Bewitched and want to change" garbage again, I'm just going to respond with "Your actions speak so much louder than your words H. You said you were going to the counselor, you wanted help, but when it came right down to it, it wasn't worth the effort. Your actions said it all". And that should show him that his attempts at manipulation are valueless.
I am sad. This man never loved me. Not the way a man loves a new wife. Even our wedding nite was a fiasco. Him getting mad at me because I turned the airconditioner down because he had it so cold in that room, too cold for my wedding nite lingerie. I slept on the sofa in the condo we rented. On my wedding night. In my special wedding lingerie.
I'm sad, but it's not sadness, really, over ending this thing. It's sadness for all the lies I believed. It's sadness over all the false dreams H gave me, and my stupidity at believing them. That's all.
H makes me feel ugly. H makes me feel like I have the sex appeal of an onion. He's home 4 days, gone for 10, home for 4. That's his work schedule.
Do you know (maybe TMI) how it feels, to have the husband whose been away for all those days, have to work to get it up? And then turn around and watch that same husband with SD18 sitting on his lap?
I know I can't be too bad looking. I'm small (5', 109 lbs), and my attorney, a man I've known in passing for yaers, made the comment that I'm "cute as a button". My bff's ex boyfriend, according to her, lost all interest in her when he met me. (and she's not even mad!). I did not flirt with him-but he met me and decided I was who he wanted. I never went out with him. I wouldn't do that to a friend. But they remain friends, and he's offering to help with whatever I need thru this divorce. Thru her. I do not talk to him. I am still, afterall, married. But H makes me feel so ugly. So undesirable. But then, I am not a teenager, I guess. Afterall, I am not the one he refers to as "babe".
Sorry. Long ramble. Too many thoughts in my head tonite.