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The reality has set in, I'm sad. And now H is trying manipulation. I sign papers this week.

bewitched's picture

Ever since the big blow up on the phone, the restraining order, H has been trying to his damnedest to "charm" me. Now all of a sudden, today, I am "sweetheart". It sounded foreign coming from him. I haven't heard that term once in 14 months of marriage.

He cries. He says he is homesick. Huh? How can he be homesick already? His usual time to be home isn't even until this coming Friday. He says he misses Bewitched. How could he miss me, when the last month and 1/2, every free fun time moment he had was spent either playing cards with his buddies or indulging SD18? He says things will be different. He says he knows he treated me wrong. Says he knows he and SD18 treated me wrong. And he cries.

But, Hey, Bewitched, IF we actually split, I'm going to buy an RV. Yep, instead of wasting money renting motel rooms when I go to see the girls, I'm going to buy an RV. He actually sounded quite excited about it.

Twisted minds. A divorce. A perfect reason to go buy the RV he's been wanting. Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick. I am sick. Sickened by what this guy really really is.

This coming weekend is his off weekend. Originally, he told me he made an appointment with a counselor. Would I please please go. Even if I didn't, he said, he knows he's wronged me and will go himself.

Hah. Now he calls me at work today-a call I did not answer. I do not take personal calls at work, for one thing, and had just gotten off the phone with my attorney, the papers are ready to file, for another.

What did he want? He wanted me to leave his good jeans, a couple of shirts, and his boots in a bag on the porch for someone (?) to pickup. He's staying at his apartment this weekend after all. So much for the counselor, huh? But I said nothing. Just that I could not leave work to get his clothes for him. I know H. I know exactly what he's doing. I'm certain he is taking the money he closed the checking account with and going gambling. His true passion. But I didn't say a word.

Because when he tries to pull his "I love you, Bewitched". "I wronged you Bewitched and want to change" garbage again, I'm just going to respond with "Your actions speak so much louder than your words H. You said you were going to the counselor, you wanted help, but when it came right down to it, it wasn't worth the effort. Your actions said it all". And that should show him that his attempts at manipulation are valueless.

I am sad. This man never loved me. Not the way a man loves a new wife. Even our wedding nite was a fiasco. Him getting mad at me because I turned the airconditioner down because he had it so cold in that room, too cold for my wedding nite lingerie. I slept on the sofa in the condo we rented. On my wedding night. In my special wedding lingerie.

I'm sad, but it's not sadness, really, over ending this thing. It's sadness for all the lies I believed. It's sadness over all the false dreams H gave me, and my stupidity at believing them. That's all.

H makes me feel ugly. H makes me feel like I have the sex appeal of an onion. He's home 4 days, gone for 10, home for 4. That's his work schedule.

Do you know (maybe TMI) how it feels, to have the husband whose been away for all those days, have to work to get it up? And then turn around and watch that same husband with SD18 sitting on his lap?

I know I can't be too bad looking. I'm small (5', 109 lbs), and my attorney, a man I've known in passing for yaers, made the comment that I'm "cute as a button". My bff's ex boyfriend, according to her, lost all interest in her when he met me. (and she's not even mad!). I did not flirt with him-but he met me and decided I was who he wanted. I never went out with him. I wouldn't do that to a friend. But they remain friends, and he's offering to help with whatever I need thru this divorce. Thru her. I do not talk to him. I am still, afterall, married. But H makes me feel so ugly. So undesirable. But then, I am not a teenager, I guess. Afterall, I am not the one he refers to as "babe".

Sorry. Long ramble. Too many thoughts in my head tonite.


KeepsGettingBetter's picture

I wasn't going to log in tonight, was just having a quick read catch up but I had too once I read this blog.

Honey, I'm so so proud of you. At long last you finally told him enough was enough. The first major step to your happiness. Whoooohooooo

Don't be sad cause of the decisions you have made, or because of his lies and fake dreams he promissed you, that wasn't your fault for believeing in a man who you once loved. That's his fault and his fault alone.

Think of it this way, if it wasn't for H, you wouldn't have met all of us for starters. We ALL love you here and couldn't imagin ST without you, so I guess that is one good thing that came out of this marriage.
Do not be ashamed, you have nothing to be ashamed about. Do not be sad, as this is a new beginning and you have everything going for you. New job, new life, sky the limited.

You are not ugly, YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL PERSON INSIDE AND OUT, we can all see it, don't let anyone else tell you differently and I don't want to hear that coming out of your mouth again. UNDERSTOOD? GOOD!

I am here for you BW. To help and support you anyway I can. Find some solance in thinking of the good times to come as I'm sure there will be many.

Always thinking and praying for you hun.

)))BIG HUGS((((

Stick's picture

Hi sweetie! I read this and wrote a beauty affirmation for you. Every day I want you to stand in front of the mirror and repeat this to yourself...

I, Bewitched, am BEAUTIFUL, inside and out. Some day I will find a REAL Man that appreciates ME and all I have to offer.
In the meantime,
I, Bewitched am 10 Million Gajillion Bazillion Times Better off ALONE than with
Soon to be EX...
He's a F#CKING DICK!!!

And I, Bewitched, am a Goddess!

Boy! I feel better! Hope you do too!

Love ya girl! Stay strong!

Sasha's picture

Is it a violation of the restraining order for him to call you or is it only related to physical contact?

Yup, he probably had no intention whatsoever of going to counseling on his own. I think if you had gone with him he would have kept up the act until he had you under his thumb again.

Don't feel too bad. Somehow I get the feeling you're not the only one he's schmoozed. He has the Sybil thing down pat.

misguided's picture

I felt that way to and to be honest it took awhile to get over it but then again I was married for 20 years to a man who for the last 5 years would tell me at least once a week how disgusting I was and how no man would ever want me. Even though I had no respect for him it got into my head and I believed it. You are adorable and it is just going to take time for you to believe that again but you will. If this makes you feel better, we have been divorced for four years and I am married to a really handsome man who has a great job and can't get enough of me. My ex on the otherhand is in a shitbox house, no job, has a 28 year old girlfriend who keeps telling him she doesn't want to get serious and is just hanging around to kill time. Once a week he cries to me that she doesn't love him, blah blah blah, Karma's a bitch, actually it's great and he will get his.

LizzieA's picture

All the signs are there, ringing bells for me. My EX was into pot and drinking and spending and his behavior at the end of the marriage was so similar. He took his house equity and 1/2 my retirement (required by law) and blew it ALL on a motorcycle, computer, guitar, etc. He didn't bother to pay the debts that finally sank our marriage (all in his name of course). Now he's without a license or a job and basically a squatter. He had plenty to set himself up again in his own place.
He too had a fit on our honeymoon. Wives are great as "parental" figures, i.e. providers, but not partners.
The way you feel is common to abused women. You are exhausted from being subtly undermined, drained of energy and used. There is something wrong there and he is not validating you as a woman.
That's how I felt. Blah. Unattractive. But as soon as I got him out, I was out on the town being hit on by men young enough to be my sons. Now I am very happily remarried to my soulmate, who also was married to an infant adult. Old friends say, wow, you look fantastic and happy. So once this is over, your life will greatly improve. Guaranteed.

October8's picture

I know what you are going through and here are some thoughts:

1) you ARE cue as a button.

2) Like you said to me when you saw the pic of BM. H, married up, he was just trying to get you down to his level. Trust me, many men would want to hound your bones (doesn't sound quite right...but you get the gist.

3) RV!?!?!?! On that I LMAO. Is he serious?????

4) The is no reason for US to put up with any abusive behavior. But there is even less reason if the SEX is lacking..


One can only hope!

secondwife20's picture

You have been here for me through my difficulties... so you know that I'm going to be here for you. This man has been nothing but poison to you, and you deserve so much better. I'm so glad you're going through with this (not that you have to go through a divorce... but that you're divorcing from that man!) ... and I know you have the strength to not fall for his little tricks.


PS. I don't care what a stupid man says. You're beautiful.

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

Sita Tara's picture

"I'm sad, but it's not sadness, really, over ending this thing. It's sadness for all the lies I believed. It's sadness over all the false dreams H gave me, and my stupidity at believing them. That's all."

You are in recovery mode now. Nothing can stop you from moving forward and claiming the happiness you deserve. Do not feel like a failure or a fool for this relationship. You went through it to come out stronger and more self aware, to realize what you want and need, and what it DOESN'T look like. Now envision what it DOES look like and GO FOR IT!!!!!


Hanny's picture

We are all so happy you finally did this. It has been a long time coming. You are free now to go on with your life and I'm sure it will be a wonderful one! Please keep positive thoughts about yourself and don't let this man bring you down to his level. He has acted inappropriate ever since your wedding night...and now he wants to make it up to you. Too little...too late!

Stay positive, and rememeber we are all here for you and praying for you.

Sia's picture

but as I told you already, I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU!!!!! It's normal to be sad at the loss of a relationship, no matter how vile.

I was married before DH to an extremely abusive man! He beat me on a daily basis, even on our honeymoon. Now, most of you that know me outside of ST might and stayed for over 2 yrs???? Me with my big mouth and all! Anyway, I tell you this b/c I have been there. I have been in an abusive relationship. I know what it's like, AND I know what it's like to leave and feel alone and scared and mad, and sad, and glad too! I know all those feelings. They are oh so normal!

It's OK to feel sad and sick at your stomach all at the same time! I cried for weeks after that divorce, not for the loss of such a clearly ignorant human being, but at the sense of failure. The loss of a relationship, not matter how bad, is always sad.

Take care of yourself and please try NOT to let that very small man make you feel less than what you are...a beautiful, talented, smart, funny, and very STRONG woman! Love to you and please PM me if you need to talk!

Selkie's picture

You have accomplished one of the hardest things in life. But what a life-affirming, positive, strong, self-respecting thing you have done! Eventually your sadness will go away. And leave space in your heart and your life for someone who truly loves you and appreciates you for the wonderful person you are.

Margaret Mead was once asked about her 4 "failed" marriages. Her response was, "Failed? None of them FAILED. Each served its purpose and ended exactly when it was supposed to."

Take what you've learned from this valuable experience and move on knowing you loved yourself enough to do what was right for you. Once you get past the pain and have healed your heart a bit, WONDERFUL things are in store for you! Congratulations!

Sia's picture

Margaret Mead was once asked about her 4 "failed" marriages. Her response was, "Failed? None of them FAILED. Each served its purpose and ended exactly when it was supposed to."

belleboudeuse's picture

I remember when my first marriage ended -- to a hugely abusive a-hole: verbally, emotionally, and getting ready to be physically. I felt a HUGE sense of failure. I remember thinking, "I'm going to be a divorced person," and just feeling like I had completely failed at being an adult. The grief was overwhelming.

But. Now it's a scant 3 1/2 years later. I am married again, to the love of my life. Seriously, every second with this man is a gift. And I know that everything in my life, including my disastrous first marriage, led me to meet the man of my dreams, my soul mate, the man without whom my life would be nearly meaningless. And when I think back to the pain I felt when my first marriage ended, Bewitched, I just want to fast-forward your life 5 years so that you can see how wonderful it will be.

Think good thoughts about the beautiful days ahead!!!


- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

Brooklynne's picture

You're such a strong person, and you are a beautiful person inside and out! Once you've moved past this divorce, I know that great things are in store for you. Many hugs your way!

BridgingTheGap's picture

This man has made you feel nothing but misery for months! He only had room in his heart for that spoiled brat of a daughter. Now you can be free and live your life the way you want to live it. You don't have to have his debt hanging over your head or see him spoil his daughter on a daily basis. You deserve to happy (contrary to your stbx's thinking). Go out and find a man who thinks you're the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. Find someone who will appreciate you in your special lingerie. Find someone who doesn't need to have his daughter draped all over him. AND most importantly, find happiness within yourself. You're already on the road to recovery; don't stop now. Let yourself keep moving forward and you will be happy again. All you have to do is let yourself get there.