Flipped Out Last Night-- Told FDH to Pick a Woman
Well, I completely flipped last night. We were watching the new Louis CK comedy special and he went into these jokes about divorce-- basically celebrating how awesome it is to get divorced and sever ties. FDH was laughing and laughing and I just flipped.
It turned into a major event where I was yelling in the kitchen but firmly telling him (paraphrasing) "Look, you need to decide which woman you want in your life. It's her or me.You can't have both. If you you can't figure out how to have an appropriate relationship with her, you will NOT be having one with me. We just moved into this new house and she is not going to invade my home in any way. I am DONE, DONE, DONE with this crap. If you want to continue as you are, we will move to seperate rooms in this house and be roommates. I will start dating and you will live with other men coming in your home." (Note, I'd already made the bed in the other room and pointed to where he would be living for the next year)
He tried to tell me that he was really trying to get off the phone with BM earlier that day. I told him that was total BS because he was on with her nicely chatting for 5 minutes once I walked in the room and they had clearly been on for a while before. But then I stopped this conversation in its tracks and said "I am tired of discussing every event. I do not want to argue about this phone conversation you had with her. I do not want to discuss why giving her my moving boxes is inappropriate. I do not want to have to explain to you why buying her a Mother's Day gift on behalf of the kids is wrong. I am tired of discussing each and evey riduclous thing. YOU need to figure this out. Pick your woman. I've had it."
I slept on the couch. When I woke up early this morning, I went back to bed in the spare bedroom. He came in and kissed me goodbye. The next time I see him will be at 7PM at counseling. I plan to stop whatever discussion plans the counselor had and tell her that I want to discuss why it seems that FDH is unwilling to sever his emotional attachment with BM, why he thinks he needs to be her support system and friend and why he's willing to lose me over this.
As hard as this is, I have to say finally drawing a major line in the sand and telling him he MUST make a choice between us is very liberating. I don't have to live like this and now I think he knows that I am serious when I say I won't.
- Anne Boleyn's blog
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Comments
I'm so sorry Anne. That
I'm so sorry Anne. That sucks ass. Hopefully in counseling tonight, he'll GET it. I'll be crossing my fingers for you.
And you know where to find me if you need to vent. Good luck later.
Thanks, lady. I appreciate
Thanks, lady. I appreciate your support. You may be hearing from me later tonight!
Anytime! You can talk me out
Anytime! You can talk me out of my snow-induced rage
I forgot to mention something
I forgot to mention something else I said that really seemed to get his attention-- the look on his face was really disturbed and sad when I said it. I basically told him that if a friend of mine called me up with this story and told me this was happening in her relationship that my advice would be to get out and RUN as fast as she could away from it. I would tell her that she is being completely openly disrespectd and humiliated by the person who claims to love her the most and that no woman should ever live like that.
I think he realized that I've been single most of my life because I am unwilling to put up with crap like this and that I was am dead serious about continuing to live my life that way. I don't need a man and will not live with one who treats me that way, no matter how good the good part are.
So sorry it reached this
So sorry it reached this point, but it's good you said something. Hopefully he'll get his head out of his butt and get a clue for real.
^^^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
^^^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
100% total agreement on this!
I need more caffeine... Anne
I need more caffeine...
Anne I am not following how this arguement got started. You and your FDH were watching a comedian: who was singing the praises of divorce and severing ties with an ex.
Your FDH was laughing (which normally means someone is agreeing and finding humor with the words being spoken to them) and then you got upset.
I think I am missing several steps between laughter and argument. I know from your other blogs that your FDH is having a significant issues with defining and holding boundaries with BM.
Regardless, tell your FDH he apparently needs to be trained Pavlov's dog style on how to create and maintain healthy respectful boundaries with his exwife. Explain that you are willing to help with his training and it starts immediately that as of NOW: Every time you hear an inappropriate conversation between him and BM your going to kick him in the nuts. This also goes for any text messages, emails etc that you find/ read that are inappropriate.
Should not take more than a kick or two for him to figure out what to do to save himself some serious agony.
I didn't have the energy to
I didn't have the energy to write the detail about how the comedian thing went down. But suffice it to say that he was agreeing as if that's how he was actually living-- as if is ex-wife was a thing of the past. I was already upset about the phone call with BM that day and the convo over the Mother's Day gift (and all these discussions we've been having that don't seem to help him understand what a proper boundary is) so I pretty much just started getting highly irritated and lost it. It sounds stupid but it sort of made sense if you were here.
I love your Pavlov suggestion. Hilarious. I can only imagine his face when I sit him down and tell him that. Hopefully, the counselor will knock some sense into him tonight. I am exhausted from this.
lol you made me
lol you made me laugh...thanks, I needed that...
NO DOUBT...KICK HIM IN THE NUTS everytime he has an inappropriate conversation with BM... lol }:)
"Why do some men & women have
"Why do some men & women have such a problem with that - especially when it hurts the one they love and causes fights."
I think it is natural for a man to do these things with the mother of his kids and a woman he was married to. Divorce, IMHO, is unnatural. And I have never felt this so keenly as being a woman (who has never been married before nor has any kids) married to a divorced man with children.
Not to mention most of the BMs we deal with are abusive personalities beat our men down to the point of practically being servants to them.
They have to be strong-willed to change and often it isn't until they risk losing something they cherish (us) that they begin to make the changes they need.
Good for you! Know yourself
Good for you! Know yourself and what you can take! This is a hard hard road girl and it will push you, make sure that your man picks you. If he doesn't then he wasn't worth it.
I had to do this, I wouldn't marry him if he didn't start setting boundaries. My only advice is that it took time if he's making progress and you think he's worth it then stick with him. And in my case the BM has never respected our relationship. On the day before our wedding she begged him not to get married, for the kids' sake! And called several times during the wedding and even 2 years into our marriage she still sends very inappropriate texts and will literally stick her nose up in the air and ignore me if I'm around. It's stupid and hard and childish but eventually you will find your place of peace. (This all from a woman who pursued divorcing him with single-minded drive. I did not even meet him until after his divorce had been finalized and she was sleeping with other men.)
But what pissed me off more than anything was that I felt like I had no support. That because this was the "mother of his kids" I had to endure this emotional affair and blatant disrespect! And this from the general population! EXCUSE ME? Hell NO! I don't care who she is I'm not going to be treated like a mistress for the rest of my life!
Why can't these men just fight for us?!? And to answer my own question, I think they are fighting for their kids most. But they are doing it the wrong way and it's very important for their thinking to shift and for them to realize that boundaries are more important for healthy kids than pandering to the BM.
"But what pissed me off more
"But what pissed me off more than anything was that I felt like I had no support. That because this was the "mother of his kids" I had to endure this emotional affair and blatant disrespect! And this from the general population! EXCUSE ME? Hell NO! I don't care who she is I'm not going to be treated like a mistress for the rest of my life!"
The support thing is huge. That's why I am here. I thought I was nuts until I found this site and realized that I am not asking for too much. It's ridiculous that they find it OK to support their ex wives but make us feel like jealous, whiny bitches when we ask for them to respect our feelings and end their emotional entanglement with the person they DIVORCED.
And your statement about the mistress thing really rings a bell here. I have told him many times that I feel like he's still married to her and I am the other woman. It's insane to feel this way in a relationship of this nature. It's rather shocking, really.
This seems to be 'the issue'
This seems to be 'the issue' for so many of us. I'm there too. I hope your counseling goes well tonight, and it will be an excellent time to discuss your most recent talks (argument) with FDH. My counselor called it 'emotional enmeshment' (I think I spelled that right...it's early ;)). Yes they have kids together, but one or both of them decided they no longer wanted to be there for each other and divorced. I like what lavender said, they need to stop being your go-to-person.
The kids are ST12-ST19. They
The kids are ST12-ST19. They are old enough to do something for Mother's Day on their own. My son had no father in his life. He gave me something for Mother's Day most years. And the ones he didn't, oh well.
It is a husband's role to help with this, not an ex husbands role. I have made it clear by my actions that I will help the kids with his b-day and Father's Day. It's not BM's place.
I am NOT going to be OK with him spending the little money he has left over after she takes most of it on a freaking massage gift card for her. The kids can make her cards or pool their cash and buy something small. But money will NOT come from my household to recognize her motherhood.
Sorry if my reply sounded
Sorry if my reply sounded harsh. I am obviously fired up about this. And honestly, if they had appropriate boundaries in other respects, and I wasn't having to make up the financial slack in this household due the huge CS and alimony payments, I probably woulnd't see this as much of a big issue. But that's not the case. Right now, I am drawing a major line in the sand and when they can act right for a long time, maybe I will be a little less critical of smaller things.
Anne, I set the same boundary
Anne, I set the same boundary for DH too.
"You have no business buying gifts of any kind for any other woman even BM and I will take care of yours until SS is old enough to do so".
I also let him know that if SS wanted he could either make a card for BM or give him 2-3 dollars and let SS pick out the card hisself.
"I am NOT going to be OK with
"I am NOT going to be OK with him spending the little money he has left over after she takes most of it on a freaking massage gift card for her. The kids can make her cards or pool their cash and buy something small. But money will NOT come from my household to recognize her motherhood."
EXACTLY!!! These greedy bitches get enough of our mans money! Whatever is left belongs to US AND OUR FAMILY NOT THEM! My BF never buys BM anything for any holiday or bday nor does he contribute to skid in getting his bm something. TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE AND UNACCEPTABLE!!! FUCK THEM!!!!
Anne, I feel for you. I have
Anne, I feel for you. I have been through this same scenerio time after time for the first 3 years of our marriage.
I cannot tell you the times I just wanted to leave nor can I tell you the times that I would tell him you need to choose, her or me.
DH would always try to turn it back around to me having a problem with SS. But I knew the conversations he had with BM were not always about SS.
I also knew that he was at her beck and call and would do EXACTLY what she told him to do.
Finally, after 3 years he has gotten better. Was it because SS is getting older? Or because I had finally had enought and not only threatened but meant to leave if things did not change?
I am not sure but maybe I finally got through to him that it is ridiculous to expect me to live my live with him catering to another woman.
He still takes up for her. He still does pretty much whatever she ask in regards to SS even though he has told her no a couple times. The only BIG difference is their communication. She still calls often. It went from every day to 1-3 times a month but DH doesn't always answer. He talks to her about once a month but after SS graduates next year I am hoping that will decrease.
Stay your ground and don't let him talk you into thinking that is acceptable!!!
I had an issue with this just
I had an issue with this just recently...Last week BF's spawn got in trouble at school. So of course BM was blowing up the cell about it and saying that BF and her need to meet with the Principal about it. Well...I spoke my peace on that real quick!
I told him that I was NOT comfortable/ok with that. They are NOT a family anymore, they are divorced, and she is a single parent. She made her choice when she cheated on BF during their marriage, and the divorce sealed the deal that they are no longer a family unit, they are co-parents. I don't/didn't have a problem with BF meeting with the Principal and doing what he needs to do for skid, my issue was with them having to meet TOGETHER as if all was well in the world and they were still together. Long story short my BF did not meet up with her and the Principal together. BF texted BM that HE would speak with the Principal ALONE and take care of the situation. But still she would text stupid shit like...he has been sulking all weekend, he has been crying himself to sleep, I have been so upset too, blah blah blah. ANY AND ALL texts like that were IGNORED! The only time she got a reply text was to say he would speak with the Principal alone and what not. BF did have to talk to skid on the phone and because skid was "so upset" BM got on the phone to tell him the story, BUT BF put it on speaker phone so there was NO SECRET about what was being said and to make me feel comfortable and respect MY feelings because BF knows very well that I HATE his baby mama and skid drama...and I hate them both too! :sick:
The point of my story is this...it is ALL about respect and boundaries. It is bad enough that us women have to deal with baby mama and skid bullshit 24/7 just because we want to be with the man we love...the LEAST they can do is to respect our feelings and cut ties with their ex's that do NOT relate to the skids! It is NOT fair to your new wife/gf to have to listen to and put up with this constant bs as if our man and their ex's were still together. They need to choose and wake up and realize that this is not a threesome...we DO NOT SHARE nor should we ever have to!!! You either put your new wife/gf FIRST or you stay single!!!!
So sorry, that definitely
So sorry, that definitely sucks. My DH only did this briefly and I like you finally stood up. I told him he could keep her to keep the peace and then end up with TWO kids (loser and our son) as kids of divorce or he could keep me and have at least ONE kid who had a freaking chance, since loser and BM were a nightmare...his pick. It took a while but he finally understood. Honestly, if he had chosen to keep the peace with crazy witch over me, I would have been gone. You need to stand your ground. And no, I don't want to hear how I ruined the relationship between f#$%$%ed up BM and my DH and hurt my loser skid...her mother did a DARN good job of that herself by treating my DH like crap ALL THE TIME, calling to harrass him and when he would call her back about some other BS she was harrassing us over, then claiming she couldn't talk because she didn't want to upset her husband...too freaking bad.
Stand your ground. DO NOT allow this to continue. He needs to either grow a pair or ship out.
I don't remember who posted
I don't remember who posted it...but one thing I really liked when dealing with boundaries was this (paraphrased, of course):
"Would you go and wipe BM's ASS if she needed it? I mean, it would be for the CHILDREN, right?? You don't want your kids going around having a MOM with a stinky ASS, right??"
OMG!!! That is perfect. I may
OMG!!! That is perfect. I may have to whip that one out tonight.
OMG!!! That is perfect. I may
OMG!!! That is perfect. I may have to whip that one out tonight.
She apparently called him.
She apparently called him. But I told him it he should've let it go to VM then texted her back a one word answer. And if he needed to pick up the phone, a quick "Thusrday's fine, gotta go" should have been it. But no... they chatted to point of discussing things we may have hypothetically given SS if circumctances had been different. What is so important about that?
The real issue is that it's CONSTANT and he treats her like either a wife or a friend, depending on the day. He doesn't understand this needs to be strictly business and on a need-to-know basis.
Thanks, I am gearing myself up for this one. It won't be pretty. I think our counselor will be in my corner on this one. She looked at him like he was crazy on the first visit where it was revealed that he was hanging out at BM's every Tuesday. She made it stop then and there. And she's given him shit on other related topics. So she's a big fan of the divorce boundaries.