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OT - Ghosting

Aniki's picture

Happy New Year, STalkers! Fingers crossed (toes and eyes, too!) that 2021 starts improving. 

I mentioned on another blog that I'm getting close to ghosting my sister. She's been pestering me to hang out with two of her friends (a couple). I wrote on the other blog...

Hey, lovely that you have friends to hang with during quarantine. Enjoy. But don't get p!ssy with me because I'm not interested in joining your group. Bitchy Aniki has zero desire to "expand my circle of friends" at this time. Keep pushing me and you'll find yourself ghosted.

I did not write that in jest. While it's true I become more introverted as the quarantine continues, I don't feel I'm wrong for not wanting to socialize. She's ragging on me and poo-pooing my reasons for keeping my distance. 

Things like:

  • You're turning into the unibomber and need human contact
  • Staying home all of the time isn't good for you 
  • You're depressed and need to get out.

Pfffft. I have human contact every day with DH and various phone calls and fail to see why I need in-person contact right this effing minute. 

And since she won't listen to me (older, wiser, and bossy as eff), I'm literally on the verge of ghosting her. 

Has anyone else successfully ghosted a close family member? Any tips/warnings?


futurobrillante99's picture

I wouldn't call it ghosting. I would call it enforcing a boundary. I would simply say to her that her insistence that you do something that makes you VERY uncomfortable demonstrates that she has very little regard for your concerns or feelings, and that until she is ready to start respecting them, you're going to go radio silent. You'd love to hear from her to shoot the breeze but you won't entertain any talk of getting together with others.

Aniki's picture

FB, I've tried that and it's falling on deaf ears. The older she gets, the bossier, more inflexible, and more certain she is that HER way is THE way. She brings up a get-together every time we talk. Gaaaaaaaahhhh. 

advice.only2's picture

I sent you a PM, but in my opinion ghost the b*tch, my message to you conveys it all!

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Start pounding her with articles and stats on the pandemic. She'll leave you alone right quick.

My DH and I belong to a private fb group for retirees from the job he worked for 31 years. Almost DAILY, there are posts that so-n-so is either dead or hospitalized with COVID. One former coworker was hospitalized for nearly THREE MONTHS before passing.

Sorry girl, but your sister pisses me right off.

Aniki's picture

Exjulie, I HAVE been pounding her with articles and stats! Nuttin', honey. Doesn't stop her.

Get this: her job is essential AND she goes in every day. They have had other personnel out with the 'rona, but everyone else still has to go in until they're sick! It's possible she's been a carrier. Or will be. 

She's passing me right off, too. Dash 1

Aniki's picture

Ducking autocorrect changed "pissing" to "passing". *diablo*

I just got a text from her a few minutes ago, asking if DH and I want to go with her to the Typhoid Twosome's house for dinner this weekend. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Commence OGLE. Operation Ghost Light: Engage!

CLove's picture

present so many different hurdles as to discourage even the thought of you going out with her and her friends...

Her and all her friends must have been tested within the appropriate times, not had any outside influences or exposures, will have contact racing apps, and contacts traced completely, will have to wear masks and gloves, as well as no taking off masks at any time...

Aniki's picture

CLove, she was tested once late Summer before she had surgery. Unless you want to count work taking all office staff temps daily, that's it. The couple: the wife has never been tested. No idea about the husband. Even if they test negative followed by a quarantine, I have zero interest in socializing. 

Merry's picture

It really ticks me off when somebody is SO SURE that they know what I want and need better than I do. Until I'm incapacitated in some form, I make my own decisions. Try to bully me, or lay a guilt trip, or otherwise get me to do whatever YOU want to do? Oh HELL no.

Ghost away.

futurobrillante99's picture

I've had people tell me what was best for me because they didn't want to admit they didn't want to do something.

For instance: "Would you like to join my daughter and I for lunch?" "I think you should make the most of your time with your daughter." (subtext: I don't want to go).

Example: "Wanna hang out this weekend?" "Aren't your friends going kayaking? I'd hate for you to miss out on that."

Ummmm, seems like what I WANTED to do was hang out with you. I wouldn't have asked if I really wanted to go kayaking with my friends. If you don't want to spend time with me, just say so.

I know my examples are a different variation, but I don't like when people try to push me to do something I don't want to do or use what is best for me as an excuse for not wanting to do something. Accept that I'm already telling you what I want: either to DO something or NOT DO something.

Aniki's picture

Right, Merry? RIGHT?!?! She and I are close (and that gap is fast becoming a canyon), but she refuses to believe that I'm not the same person I was a year ago. Or 5, 10, 30 years ago. 25yo Aniki was always up to an outing. 55yo Aniki would rather have a root canal.

ESMOD's picture

I don't think we need to associate with "toxic" people whether we are related to them or not.  In those cases... ghosting is a completely acceptable solution.

But.. I get the feeling that you don't "hate" her.. you just wish she would "stay in her lane" and stop badgering you about this.

There are 2 ways you can go with it.

"ghosting lite".. where you become "less available" to take her calls.  Respond a hair more delayed than you might normally do to texts etc.. and be prepared with your excuses if she corners you.. and even say things.. like "not sure I can make it.. will let you know if things change:.... and when she gets on one of her soap boxes... you remember that water running.. stove boiling over..   etc.. "oh crap.. my eggs are burning talk later.. and hang up!

The other is a more direct approach.  

Sis, I appreciate you trying to include me in plans with your friends.  I know your heart is in the right place, but as I have told you, I am not ready to mix and mingle until the Covid situation has been more resolved.  I know you think I need to get out and see people, but I DO see my husband and have contact with many people over the phone and online.  I am being social.. just not in person right now.  I have tried to explain this a lot and to be honest, it is getting to the point where I am hurt that you can't respect my feelings. So, while I understand that you are doing what you are comfortable with, you need to accept that I may not be comfortable with the same situation.. so please, for the sake of our relationship, please respect my feelings and stop pressing me to go out with your friends right now.  I love you.. and will let you know when I am ready to do more public stuff ok?

Aniki's picture

ESMOD, I don't hate her - she's my best friend. But we can grow apart from good friends regardless of longevity or blood. Our paths started forking a few years ago and that distance is (to me) noticeable. 

I've tried telling her I'm uncomfortable, etc, and she proclaims I'm severely depressed, need to go out, and need to have my doctor prescribe new meds. Go ahead. Slap a hand to your head. I'm ready to bang mine. On concrete. Embedded with shards of glass. (Not really, but ya feel me?)

Looks like it's time for OGLE. Operation Ghost Light: Engage!

SteppedOff's picture

Yes, lifelong close family members caddy, relationally aggressive, just beyond middle aged women.

There really is no excusing boundary busting more than once. The first time is an..I'm sorry..anything beyond that is just manipulation. They don't look at the why or what they have done to require the need to set the boundary...just that we set it.

My only tip explain the issue or issues once if it continues just be arguing, blaming, fussing just be done..walk away from it, don't answer. The older and wiser we become, our circle becomes smaller naturally by becoming unwilling to tolerate so much BS. We don't dish it we shouldn't accept it...too much good living to do! And yes, Casper IS a friendly ghost.

Good day :) 

Aniki's picture

Happy New Year, SteppedOff!

My sister is 3 years older and we've been close all of our lives - besties. And the older we get, the bossier and (in some ways) more inflexible she's become. It was rarely a problem in the past because our interests and desires were so similar. Not anymore. And one difference that's so obvious is she has become MORE social while I've become LESS so. 

CajunMom's picture

When you are trying to avoid a toxic individual, family or not. Especially with the CoVid stuff. My DH is "at risk" so we've been super careful, protecting ourselves and others. If your sister is one of those not caring, then that's her right but I'd be very clear with her. 

I do my best to "do me" and not worry about other people. My circle knows I'm practicing all the techniques of the pandemic and they respect me. They include me via Zoom calls, texting and phone calls. IF any of them had the audacity to question my choices, it would be handled with ESMOD's #2. If they persist after that, it would be get ugly. Thankfully, my circle of family and freinds respects me, even those who aren't following the procedures. 

We just lost a newly elected Representative here...41 year old man, healthy. He left behind a wife and two very young children. While I try to keep the "you do you, I do me" attitude, my insides scream at those who want to invalidate this virus or laugh at my mask. SMH

Aniki's picture

CM, I never considered her to be toxic, but am beginning to do so... None of my other friends have asked me to yell at one another across a parking lot or strip of beach. My sister? Ignoring what makes me comfortable and turning it into "you're depressed".

I'm preparing to OGLE ( see above!).