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Am I the Problem????

Aly Fran's picture

So after the last episode DH came back home and we've been living together under the same roof but seperate rooms.

He spent the last couple days trying to convince me that what everyone told me was a lie and that he haven't been bad mouthing me. He claims that people were just trying to break us up.. Maybe some of the things weren't all true given the necessary evidence but I believe it takes two to have a conversation.. 

He wants us to work things out and go for counseling.. I haven't given him an answer concerning that because I still needs alot of time to decide what I really want.  I haven't left our home because there is no where I can go immediately with my 3 kids ..

Ofcourse the topic concerning SD came up and ofcourse nothing changed.. DH asked me why I hate SD so much and why I can't put the things she has done behind me.. And to be honest I really cannot answer that question its just something inside of me can't seem to accept her.. I tell myself it's because every time I tried to reach out to her, her attitude was always so negative and maybe if she made it easier for me maybe our relationship could have been so much better but it is what it is.. I don't know if I should feel guilty for that..

However he also mentioned that I'm jealous of the relationship he shared with his DD and I made a problem with her to get between that he went on to say it's because of me having a problem is why he stopped bringing her.  Lol.. You all I'm starting to believe that I'm living in a mad house with a mentally unstable man...

He knows, SD knows, BM knows exactly what transpired and if they choose to be honest instead of play tye blame game then the truth will be SD started visiting quietly and innocently at first all were well until SD started lieing on my kids and I causing her dad to curse me out. She whispers, roll her eyes and laugh behind my back or whenever I pass by.. She lies to her dad my biggest problem especially when he'll take her word for it and go against me and others.. She comes to my home and call the shots meaning whatever she say goes when my daughter born she were even more rebellious.. I couldn't take anymore of it and decided to speak to her infront her dad and lay my cards on the table since my home were always in chaos because of her there and then he caught her lieing even about all the things she lied in the past to him about he even learnt she were bad mouthing him and lieing about him to her mom.. It was a day to remember and since that day she refuses to come around me and her mother made it clear to DH she don't want her daughter around me... BUT WHY???????? IS IT BECAUSE I CALLED HER OUT ON HER BULLSHIT AND PUT A STOP TO IT INSTEAD OF DO WHAT HER MOM AND DAD DOES BEST AND ALLOW HER BAD BEHAVIOR AND TURN A BLIND EYE TO IT???? Since then she comes once in a blue moon still being disrespectful and talks to no one but her dad.. When I speak about it I'm always wrong and always gets into an argument with DH..

So here he is again blaming me for his daughter not coming to our home he said I hate her so either way he wouldn't ever bring her around me until I get counseling so I'm the wrong one.. my response was as long as I'm around you (DH) go visit your daughter every weekend if she feels comfortable on the roadside, in a park, in the mall wherever she feels comfortable them take her but I will no longer wish to be involved in anything concerning your daughter after all she is your kid with another woman she has nothing to do with me and let's keep it that way.. I even went on to say I don't know what the future holds but if wishes to reach me halfway I'm willing to try without her disrespect and rudeness if that don't change keep her away because my attitude towards her would not change either...

He leaves today to visit her for 2 hours and he'll be doing that every Sunday.. Any advice on how to handle this situation??? I know the last time he visited her he expected me to tell her happy birthday and I didn't and I just want to keep my home peaceful until I decide to leave.. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated..

 

 

Comments

tog redux's picture

Do you really want to be with a man who blames you for all relationship issues and can't be accountable at all for having any part in it? Do you really believe that all of these people you know decided separately AT THE SAME TIME to tell you lies in order to break the two of you up? What reason would they all have for doing that? Are you okay with him storming out, leaving you alone with your kids with no money, and then sending someone to get his clothes? Then coming back with no apology and accusing you of being jealous of his relationship with his daughter?

This man is a master manipulator and that's a form of psychological abuse.  There's nothing worth saving here.

Aly Fran's picture

I'm fully aware that there is nothing to save here I don't want to save a thing hence the reason that I'm delaying the counseling.. The reason why I'm still here is because I don't have anywhere I can go with my kids right now until I fix up all necessary paper work to leave this country for good and I'm in the process of doing so.  I'm just buying myself time and in the mean time I just want to know how to go about keeping the peace especially where SD is concern. 

tog redux's picture

Perfect. Then don't entertain any of his nonsense about whether or not you are the problem. Assume anything he says to you is part of how he abuses you - including any nice and loving things he says.  You don't have to "keep the peace". If you don't want SD in your home, then stick to that.

GrudgingSM's picture

Since your goal is just to buy time, here are a couple of ideas:

1) especially since he's so manipulative, consider saying that you want all communication that isn't about the daily schedule or what's for dinner to occur via text. If he won't do that, then you won't engage or respond. This creates a record of any manipulation or lies or threats or anything. And also when you feel like you doubt yourself, you can go back and reread those conversations to remind you. 

2) my ex was also a Gaslighter and manipulator, and I said I wouldn't talk about certain topics outside of therapy because it only created more conflict. That's also a possible line you could make is refusing to engage in certain types of conversation until you all have the help of the counselor. Which doesn't mean you want the actual help of the counselor! But it can keep him from harassing you potentially. I also think the counselor should be his responsibility. That buys you more time. 

3) look up terms like gray rocking. Figure out what the most boring and basic responses could be so that things don't end up escalating with him. It's also just a good tool to have in case you have other high conflict people in your life.

4) Go ahead and consult an attorney if you haven't already. Usually a consult is free. That can let you know where you stand legally.

5) If you don't already have your own bank account, I'd open one.

I realize those last two are more getting ducks in a row and not buying time, but hopefully one of those time buyers above help you get the things together that you need. I also know I had an attorney consult that said I could serve him papers in the morning and afternoon and have the locks changed so he couldn't come back to the family home. Something to consider if you don't have anywhere else to go yet.

Aly Fran's picture

Remember I always said everytume he visits SD there is going to be chaos, conflicts and fights in my home???

Well I'm really nervous for today and what this visit will bring..

All I want is just to live in peace and I don't know what I can do to let this visit pass by without the usual chaos after effect.. I am very nervous and I'm walking on eggshells..

I'll keep you guys posted.