Getting to the point that I am very annoyed....
I submitted a bill for my daughters meds and eye doc visit to my ex. $25, ExH is suppose to pay 1/2 of uncovered costs. Well his wife has beeen calling me, harassing me about it and throwing a fit. I told her politely...I am not discussing my daughters business with you, I will speak with her dad. Come to find out ex's wife called docs office demanding info. She keeps calling me and texting me and frankly I'm pissed. My mom says not to speak with her anymore, she has no business calling me about my kids. Is my mom right? Cause my ex thinks just because bulldog is his wife she has the right to demand info from me or whomever. I did call the docs office and told them they are not to give anymore info to stepmom.
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Do what we have asked BM to
Do what we have asked BM to do-
Send by certified mail copies of co-payments. This makes it so there is no verbal contact. If there is an issue, request email as the preferred method of contact.
As far as the SM calling doctors- That is something for you and your ex to discuss. They can't give her info but your ex may be asking her to call b/c he's too lazy.
Sometimes these men put us in the center of the ring just so they don't have to dodge punches... believe me; been there, done that...
your children and you and your ex's responsibility... not hers and he should know better.
hopefully you have it in the
hopefully you have it in the divorce that he should pay half, then there is not any question....i've copied a bill I've gotten before, highlighted the total, and wrote on the bill what his half was, and I made sure my half was always paid, then sent it to them, no phone contact needed!
He picked kids up for his
He picked kids up for his weekend and I put a copy of bill in his hand. Yes it is in the divorce decree. When she called the first time I asked her, Why am I talking to you? I think I should be discussing this with ex." She told me, It's because she pays the bills.
I will chime in here because
I will chime in here because I have been guilty of this. As a SM, I have contacted BM for clarification or additional information about medical expenses because I handle all the finances for me and DH. And also because my BM has been known to give DH receipts for her own prescriptions or to manually change the amounts on receipts. This caused much grief for me and also BM, especially when DH had custody of SS and she didn't want to pay "me" for her half of SS's medical bills.
Here was our solution:
1) CP provides copies of all medical receipts to NCP via email
2) both CP and NCP pay their 1/2 directly to the medical provider
I am with you on this one, I
I am with you on this one, I would not discuss anything like that regarding MiniMarine with his SM. It is an agreement between you and ExH, not you and her.
"she has no business calling
"she has no business calling me about my kids"
Do your kids' teachers have business calling you about your kids? How about their day care providers? What about a family friend? If they called, wouldn't you talk to them about your kids?
If there is some issue, I think your kids' father needs to deal with it, but generally the attitude of "she has no business calling me about my kids" isn't a good one to have.
If your kids' father and his wife share finances, maybe she just wants clarification. Perhaps you're being charged more than you actually owe, and if you split costs, that would mean you're paying too much too. Whenever I get a medical bill, I'm always on the phone with the doctor or insurance company because those things are so damn hard to read and insurance is always trying to underpay. If it was me and I was ready to write a check but wanted to know what it was for, I would have DH contact BM. But, maybe some other SMs would contact her directly. I would at least hear her out instead of shutting her down with, "I am not discussing my daughters business with you, I will speak with her dad." If your daughter's stepmom plays any kind of role in your daughter's life, it's in your daughter's best interest to discuss things with her stepmom. Now, if she starts bitching about why your daughter's father shouldn't have to pay or about how your daughter didn't need the medical treatment, then just shut it down. You don't even have to say that you need to discuss it with your daughter's father because you don't. If your agreement is that he pays 1/2, then just send the bill and never speak of it again. Pay your half to the doctor and send any bill that comes to you on to him.
As a stepmom, it sometimes seems like such a waste of time and energy in my household to have my husband contact BM about everything and vice versa, I wish I could contact her directly, or that she would contact me directly because it would save a lot of hassle and grief for everyone. I'm not talking about things that they disagree on, but just like, getting info about something that happened at school or a change to their extracurricular activity schedule or some special event they have going on. If I'm with the kids or at their school or whatever and the teacher or someone says, "Last week so and so did such and such." or "Next week, so and so needs to bring this." I say, "OK, thanks for telling me." Then I wish I could just email BM and relay that info to her. But instead, I have to relay it to DH who then has to relay it to BM who then asks questions which DH has to ask me and so on. Sometimes, either BM doesn't want to listen to us relay what we were told, or because she won't relay to us what she was told, we have to go directly to the teacher, who is usually like, "Uh, I already told the other parent about this." You can tell they get annoyed. Either that or the kids have to be responsible for it on their own, which is OK as they're getting older, but was not good when they were younger, "Now remember, you have to bring this next week." or "When is your special event?" Every time I try to make direct contact with BM I get told that "I have no business talking to her about her kids." I want to say, "Look, lady! I know you might not like it, but I your kids are with me for half of their time, so you probably should talk to me about them." But, it is what it is. ::sigh::
I also pay all the bills at
I also pay all the bills at our house, so I would have no problem calling BM & asking a question. In addition when SS12 had braces I was the one who contacted the ortho's office to handle our portion of the bill. It is my husband's insurance, so I really have no issue with it.
What exactly is she asking about & what has been your past relationship with her? I am always nice to BM & having worked in insurance am always very savy about getting the biggest bang for our buck. Our BM has issues with using network providers, pharmacy's ect... just cuz she wants what she wants doesn't fly with any insurance plans, only for bullying my husband.
The contact was not for
The contact was not for clarification. She was gripeing at me over $25. She even says she thinks the CS paid for my kids should be enough to cover all expensives. I said well that's not the agreement. She says I guess we'll just play it your way. HUH!!! I did call ex and we discussed it and not a problem, worked it out. I'm sure she bitched him out for that.(don't care, he chose to marry her) Then SM calls again and text again and emails again. I'm done. My relationship with SM...hmmm..well in the beginning she and I were cordial, never rude. Talked about some things. But then...She called one time and says to me, we, as in her and I need to discuss how I am raising the kids. She didn't think I was doing a proper job. I called ex and said, we were married for 8 yrs and never once was there a complaint about how our kids were being raised. SM was pissed for months over that. Called me names etc. Whatever! Seriously??? Then, my grandmom died and I wanted to pick up kids for funeral. Everything was fine until we showed up at their house and they weren't there. I called SM and asked where are you? She said I got tired of waiting and I don't care about your grandmom. I cussed her I was so mad. I did call and apologize but she did not. She is mean, angry, and bitter for no reason. Apparently she can't figure out that I ex and I divorced for a reason. I'm tired of her interfering and causeing drama. I'm tired of her talking down to me like I'm an idiot. I realize SM is my kids SM but that does not give her the right to be their MOM, does that make sense? She is mean to my kids and acts like she doesn't want them around.(this comes from BD12 mouth) I understand Callistep and sweetthing. I too am also a stepmom SS13 & SD11 live full time here. Skids BM chooses not to participate in school, doc visit, extra activties etc so I take care of it usually. But....BM is aware of any "issues" and she is given a chance to do it. I never step in unless I need to. For instance..SD needed her 1st bras. I believe that is something a mom should do just because I'm old fashioned. I waited and waited...finally after 8 months my HB said take SD and just do it. I waited for 1 year before I finally took skids back to dentist. I use to just do it in the past cause that's what DH wanted. Then BM started bitching and I quit. I guess he knew BM too well. So I just do those things for them and he sends BM the bill. So you see I do see both sides of the spectrum.
Whoa, yeah, disputing a $25
Whoa, yeah, disputing a $25 charge, half a $25 charge even! That's bad.
"I realize SM is my kids SM but that does not give her the right to be their MOM, does that make sense?"
No, not really. In fact, you contradict yourself. If BM "is mean to the kids and acts like she doesn't want them around" how exactly is that her being or trying to be their "MOM?" I'm also not sure if stating that this comes from your 12 yro BD was meant to give it more credibility or not.
The plain fact is that a stepmom could never be a "MOM." I'm sure that's as obvious to BM as it is to you in your position as a stepmom. I like to say that it doesn't matter how terrible BM is, I could give the kids a flying unicorn that shits rainbows and it still wouldn't trump their mother.
I don't think there are some things a "MOM" should do, especially if BM isn't doing things for the kids that the kids need and/or are asking/looking for. Tough shit for BM if your SD needs a bra and she doesn't get it for her. If she bitches when you do get it for her, like I said, tough shit. Maybe you are just "old fashioned." My BM is just hung up on her "MOM" pedestal. I think it comes from insecurities. I really don't understand how any BM could think that someone else could replace their position as "MOM."
I really don't understand how
I really don't understand how any BM could think that someone else could replace their position as "MOM."
Many times it comes from thinking or being aware that someone is trying to do just that. There are many posts on this site about the SM's are better MOMS than the real moms and the like. Many of those claims may be firmly rooted in fact. But the other truth is mom may feel like she is being pushed out or made to look bad or whatever. Some steps here even convey the idea verbally to the mom- (I can't remember who). I know my sons sm tells anyone who will listen that she is his mom, or if they are already aware of the sitch she will go on about what she thinks is horrible about my parenting and why she is a better parent- in the face of that- how could I not think exactly what you said above?
I guess I just don't
I guess I just don't understand because in my situation, I say nothing about BM, except on places like this and to friends of mine, no mutual acquaintances, nothing. Yet, I'm always being told that I am "NOT their MOTHER!" Constantly. For anything. Sometimes it's something like the bra incident, other times it's for giving them a hug after their school play.
SM is their SM does not give
SM is their SM does not give her the right to be their "MOM." What I meant by that is she is not going to undermind me and tell MY kids as she has done in the past that I am incompetent and ignorant and treat me as though. Had I been a mom who stepped away from her kids to allow someone else to raise them I would be ashamed of myself and probaly would allow SM to be "The MOM" seeing as how she has my kids 100% of the time.(I am referring to skids BM) SM can raise her kids the way she sees fit. I am a good mom to anyone who thinks otherwise can go fly a kite. As I stated I give Skids BM and DH the opportunity to parent their children. BM chooses not to. DH and I do it together. SCREW SKIDS BM in my case. So for the Skids sake I treat them as they are my own. I do love them and reguardless of the anger they put towards me I'll take it. It will be ok eventually.