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Just got some news...

AlexandraL's picture

Submitted by AlexandraL on Mon, 04/12/2010 - 12:05pm

BM is now engaged.

I am really angry because if my BF had not bent over backwards to keep the peace with her there is no way she'd be engaged. If he was a thorn in her side like she's been in his her BF would never be able to handle it. She had an affair on BF and is marrying this guy and my BF has been nothing but nice and civil.

I feel angry because she's a huge reason why things are not good between BF and me...all her paranoia, focus on SD, unreasonable requests, text messages at all hours, controlling behavior have completely turned me off to getting married.

Hey, I am glad things are working out for her! She's got a single guy, no kids, who supports her instead of a lazy BM and bratty skid and no nutcase BM or skids to deal with!

Comments

AlexandraL's picture

Submitted by AlexandraL on Mon, 04/12/2010 - 12:13pm

I don't know, but hell, I am due for some good news of my own...not an engagement, but I just need something good to happen to me...

stepmom008's picture

Submitted by stepmom008 on Wed, 05/19/2010 - 8:25pm

*
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

Mich811's picture

Submitted by Mich811 on Mon, 04/12/2010 - 12:22pm

Will spousal support stop when she marries? That happens in our case, so we pray every day that someone decides to marry her! At least that is a bit of a bright side...

Kb3Hooah's picture

Submitted by Kb3Hooah on Mon, 04/12/2010 - 12:25pm

Maybe now that she's engaged to be married, she won't focus so much of her negative attention to you guys?

It wasn't until BM got married that BF and I were actually able to put any energy/focus into 'our' relationship. It had been given to her for so long b/c of her demands or intrusiveness. Not that it's gone away completely - but it has been better than what it used to be.

Alex, you've been thru so much, you really do deserve some peace and happiness. (((HUGS)))

______________________________________
"Most couples have not had hundreds of arguments, they've had the same argument hundreds of times."

Mich811's picture

Submitted by Mich811 on Mon, 04/12/2010 - 12:36pm

Actually, that is a good point -- another bright side. When DH's ex found "love" she stopped SOME (not remotely all...but SOME) of her harassment.

stepmom008's picture

Submitted by stepmom008 on Mon, 04/12/2010 - 2:11pm

Yeah, that's worked backwards for us. I guess it just depends if the BM is happy about the engagement or not.

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

stormabruin's picture

Submitted by stormabruin on Mon, 04/12/2010 - 2:15pm

It went backwards for us too. DH was seeing a counselor with his kids and the counselor brought BM into it. One week, cousnelor saw DH and BM together to figure out what the problems were between them. BM confessed that since she found out we were getting married, she'd discovered that she still loved DH, and that she thought that somehow they would end up getting back together. When the counselor asked DH what he thought of what she said, he told her there was no chance. When she left him the 4th time he decided he was done with her and moved on. I was shocked!!! Not even so much that even in the 8 years we'd been living together she hadn't gotten over it, but that she said it outloud!!! I guess it's good I wasn't part of it. The couselor would've scolded me for bursting out in uncontrollable laughter...

AlexandraL's picture

Submitted by AlexandraL on Mon, 04/12/2010 - 12:35pm

She's not getting spousal support and I don't think her impending nuptuals will change things. She simmered way down once BF/SD/and I stopped living together...

I am just mad that in a way she's ruined things for us. I'd love to feel good about things like I used to and be engaged, looking forward to a new future.

Maybe this is a sign that the whole situation is too much for me and not right for me either.

Thank you middlemom Smile

soverysad's picture

Submitted by soverysad on Mon, 04/12/2010 - 2:31pm

Alex - I apologize in advance for how harsh this will sound, but I am saying it from my heart because i want you to truly view your situation so you can make the decision with which you've been struggling.

BM is not the reason you an bf are not progressing, BF is. BM's relationship, coddling, babying of SD only affects BF's relationship with SD to the extent he allows it. His desire to keep SD at the forefront of his relationship with you is HIS decision. He admitted he is competing. That is HIS choice. The only reason BM is engaged is because her bf doesn't mind being second and having a child control his world. You know you're better than that.

As for the texting / controlling nonsense BM pulls, dh could handle that. Again, he allows his fear of not having a happy little life that has SD crawling up his bum and BM not freaking out to control his responses to both of them. She is not affecting your relationship. His reaction (or lack thereof) is affecting your relationship.

You know you deserve a working relationship where you and bf are equals and focus on your marriage and raise SD to be a "part" of your family not the "center" of your family. You know that not letting her control the functioning of your family is essential to her growing into an independent, responsible adult who won't leech off of you and dh into her middle ages. Apparently, BM's bf doesn't have standards and the other poster who said that if your bf behaved the way Bm behaves, he'd still marry her and he'd think she was a victim.

BM isn't going to change. You aren't going to change what you need from a relationship. SD will only change if BF makes a change and BM will only become a non-issue if BF lays out consistent boundaries with consequences. Don't focus on what BM is or isn't doing. She is like poop on the bottom of your shoe. It is up to BF to scrape her off.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

There IS a difference between having a different opinion and being an asshole, find it.

AlexandraL's picture

Submitted by AlexandraL on Mon, 04/12/2010 - 4:11pm

Soverysad, no apologies needed...you were not harsh, you're being truthful, and I can't agree with you more. You're very right on all points. You 100% nailed it in this post.

I'm really not sure what to do...I think I know what to do...to leave. I've posted about this so many times people must be sick of my story...it's just so hard because he's such a good man and we do love each other but I have a lot of problems imagining things being different with SD.

Right now he cannot give me what I want out of a relationship: emotional and financial security, peace, a life that is centered around us...and I can't give him what he wants...for me to accept how he progresses with SD, to be warm and accept SD, to be happy waiting for things to *maybe* change.

I am so irritable and frustrated all the time and under a ton of stress...I remember how happy we were and felt like the future was ours and now I just feel frustrated, not excited, fearful. We let SD and BM ruin it.

I am just going through a very rough time being in a new town, being away from my friends and family, being unemployed, trying to start over here and wishing I could go back home, which I can't, because I can't uproot my kids again...

I am so torn. I want things to be good but I can't get my mind past the past, because I think the past is my future. I'm trying very hard to believe things can be different but I don't FEEL it deep down.

soverysad's picture

Submitted by soverysad on Mon, 04/12/2010 - 6:48pm

"I'm trying very hard to believe things can be different but I don't FEEL it deep down." - I know how this feels for different reasons. It is a suck feeling and I am sorry you're dealing with it. I think you've made your decision and I think it is valid and based on truth and facts. THAT is something of which you should be proud. You know yourself well and you're strong enough to recognize what you don't want.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

There IS a difference between having a different opinion and being an asshole, find it.

soverysad's picture

Submitted by soverysad on Mon, 04/12/2010 - 7:07pm

I think you should do what will make you happy forever, not what will make you happy in the short term. Only you know what that is, but you've all ready said that he doesn't think he can make you happy (translation - I know I am wrong, but I am not committed to changing). You know you aren't happy with things as they are. They probably won't change. The choice really isn't between being with him and being single. It is really between accepting a life where you know you aren't happy and the unknown. You have some control over the unknown.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

There IS a difference between having a different opinion and being an asshole, find it.

AlexandraL's picture

Submitted by AlexandraL on Mon, 04/12/2010 - 7:24pm

He says he thinks he can make things better but "isn't sure it will be enough for me." Sort of passive agressive.

You're right Sovery. Thank you for your insightful advice. You always have wise words to offer.

Colorado Girl's picture

Submitted by Colorado Girl on Mon, 04/12/2010 - 12:49pm

In the end, I don't think it even matters. Smile

I try not to be attached to BM's happiness. Or her failures. I try really hard not to empower her to have any say in mine.

Would she be engaged if your BF was a real piece of work to her like she is him? Probably. She would be an uber victim in that moment, and him her white knight riding in to save her and her daughter. He would have stayed for all the reasons some of us seem to stay. Smile

I know it doesn't seem fair in these moments where it feels as though Evil prevails. In reality, sometimes it just does. It's where we go with that injustice that counts. I choose to accept that bad things happen and that life is unfair sometimes. I'm also allowed to be pretty mad about it... but I also know that I am so much stronger because of it.

For me, I feel a certain power in knowing that her happiness or her unhappiness will not result in me being the same. I really will choose to be happy regardless of what the heck she's doing, no matter how hard she tries to penetrate it... or even let my own mind drive that thinking... I won't let her affect it anymore.

Let her be married and happy... or even married and miserable. Let her just make whatever life she thinks will make her feel better. If she's anything like my husband's ex, she will spend her life trying to do just that... feel better. She thinks that a man, a new house, a new job, kids, or whatever is going to fill her up... but it just can't. She'll remain miserable until she learns to work on herself and stop looking to the world around her to make her happy. I hope that she can, but appreciate that it will probably never happen... and just refuse to be attached to it either way anymore.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley