My mother's antics, once again.
I am one of those daughters of a narcissistic mother who always goes back for more abuse, lol. I maintain the relationship and sometimes I will be calling her and asking myself why I am even bothering as the phone rings.
To an extent,she's gotten more docile with age.To an extent.
SO and I had dinner with her over the weekend, and my sister and her SO. She mentioned a distant cousin's baby shower we are all invited to. I had to wait for my sister (the golden child) to declare that she wasn't going, in order for it to be "safe" for me to say I didn't want to attend. If I said it first, I would be villainized - met with a glare followed by her expressing disgust at how rude I am, but usually when my sister declines an invitation, my mother is completely understanding. This is how it has always been.
We both decided we would rather not be there, and do to my sister being the first one to speak up, it went okay. Then my mother changes the subject by asking my SO alllll about his ex's baby shower (his son is almost 5). He told her about it briefly and then excused himself to go get a drink refill. When he left, I told my mother to please STOP bringing up things I would rather not talk about. She used to do it with my ex h, she once asked him at a family gathering if he "watched his daughter being born." WAS THAT REALLY NECESSARY?
Of course she told me how immature I am, and how his face "lit up" when she asked about it (it didn't, he actually prefers to never discuss his ex addict embarassment of a BM, in any context). I wish for once she would cut the bullshit and be a little more considerate and show some tact. I don't mind discussing his son, not that she ever bothers to actually get to know him anyway, but I would rather leave his exes pregnancy and birth details in the past, locked in a safe, never to be opened by me or anyone in my family.
I mean, am I wrong?!
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Oh you poor thing. I am
Oh you poor thing. I am soooooooo sorry. NO you are not wrong for goodness sake.
Your mom has zero filter for starters. But you already know that. Apparently everyone in the family knows that right?
My dead MIL (harsh but true) was one of the most grotesque, no filter, rude, disgusting person I ever met. She would say things that would make bubba who is doing LIFE, blush.
She would take hostages and just say awful awful stuff. Expecting everyone to listen and not get up to move away from her. One time she told me at a dinner party she was attending another guest had the NERVE to tell her she should stop talking and that SHE was a total bore. HEHEEHEEH---high five to that person I thought.
Other times she would call me on the phone and told me SHE knows what size her grown sons private parts were. That is not the tip of many icebergs I heard from her.
She would groom everyone with her age (respect your elders) tossing out a few bible verses every now and then. Who would THINK a older religious women would be anything less than respectable.
Long story short...my dh finally told her TO STOP. And if she didn't stop, their relationship would change so much so, that he would not talk with her ever again.
Her reply to my dh was "I WILL NOT BE SUBSERVIENT to anyone"
He never spoke to her again.
I am not suggesting cutting ties with your mom is the answer. Sometimes it is necessary to.
I had a laugh about your MIL.
I had a laugh about your MIL... sounds like she was a nightmare for sure!
The messed up thing is, to anyone who meets my mother, she is this demure, sweet little lady. She is a judgmental, childish, brooding jerk behind closed doors and I always got treated the worst. I love my mother but I mostly do not like her. I have come to accept she will NEVER take accountability for anything - people hurt her, she *never* hurts others... that is how she sees it.
Sometimes I would love to cut ties. But I don't think I could... my father, although a rude, hard ass type, would deep down be heartbroken. For now I just need to keep it light and minimal. I need to repeatedly remind myself of that!
I stopped speaking to my mom
I stopped speaking to my mom 10 years before she died, and then I didn't feel a thing. But I was sad for my dad being left alone.
Every time you tell her something she said bothered you, you are showing her where your buttons are. And she will push them more, just to prove she is right and you are wrong, and you can't tell her what to do.
I understand. Again I am so
I understand. Again I am so sorry. ((((HUGS))))))
I wouldnt be alone with her unless in a spot where she would not abuse me ever again.
I am so sorry AJanie! I feel
I am so sorry AJanie! I feel for you! My parents do similar s*** and MIL won't shut up about the ex (I think she thinks she's s***-talking... But I just don't want to hear it).
I swear common courtesy and politeness is dead with some people! Especially in people who get abusive.
Hugs!!! Glad you came to vent!
The trick with narcissists is
The trick with narcissists is to not let them know what bothers you. Tell her you love it when he she brings up his ex. That you’re so happy she does it because it the only way you ever get to hear about his ex. Be sincere.
If she thinks you actually like it, she’ll stop. Whatever you really would like to talk about, that’s the thing you tell her to Never, Ever bring up. Act annoyed and upset when she brings it up. That will be the only thing she talks about.
Your post is so refreshing
Your post is so refreshing for me to read! I also have a narcissist mother. I'm at that age when many friends' mothers have died. They post these things on Facebook about how much they miss talking to their mothers. If I ever tell them about issues with my mother, they tell me how much I'll miss her when she's gone and I should "really try harder." They simply don't understand that not all mothers are created equal.
I feel for you. If your husband understands, it would be nice if he'd simply say, "Ugh! I don't want to talk about my ex!" as sweetly as possible. If that's not an option, when she asks those uncomfortable questions, just jump in and say, "Mom, tell us about the day each of your kids was born" or "Mom, if you'd have had another kid, what would you have named him or her?" That way, you're feeding her narcissism (by asking about HER), you're saving your husband, and you're saving yourself.
If your mother is anything like mine, this simple suggestion simply won't work. But maybe your mother is easier to get around than mine!