What makes a family?
Is it being related by blood? Is it having children together?
DH and I got into yet again last night. He did apologize for getting hammered on Sunday while watching football and being a complete a$$ to me. He agreed to watch his drinking so that it doesn't happen again.
Towards the end of the evening we were talking and I made a comment about how if his father, DH's parents are coming this weekend, wants to watch football on Sunday I'm going to ask him not to due to what happened this past Sunday. (I wasn't bening serious when I said this.) DH's game is on Thursday evening so it's not like he's going to miss his team playing. DH proceeds to tell me that I won't tell his father that and something along the lines of it's out of respect for my elders. We go back and forth about this for a couple of minutes and then the subject changes to his mother. I feel that DH expects me to live in fear of his mother. Don't tell her this or she'll hate you. Don't do that or she'll hate you. I'm 31 years old and I have to sneak out to smoke when they come over or when they are at our house because DH doesn't want his mother to know that we smoke. He says it's out of respect for her.
I told him last night that I refuse to live in fear of her. That's just not how I function. Am I going to be disrespectful of her? No. But if there is something that I feel like saying I shouldn't have to fear the fact that she'll hate me.
So as the conversation continues DH makes it a point to tell me that him mother will always side with him, SD, and SS because they are blood. Even is SD murders somebody they will always side with her. He actually told me that they had this conversation. At this point I was done. I did go off on him. I don't understand why that comment was made. It makes me feel like I'm not a part of this family because I am not blood. I am the one that has to put up with all of the crazy crap that his daughter pulls, and she has done some pretty crazy stuff, and that doesn't matter because I am not biologically related to this family. My say doesn't count and it never will.
So what's the point of all of this? I'll never be family in their eyes.
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I am not asking for anybody
I am not asking for anybody to side with me. I just don't understand the point of making that comment to me other then to hurt my feelings. He may of had that conversation with his mother but why tell me?
Not smoking in the house
Not smoking in the house could be considered being respectful of her.
Lying to her & keeping secrets from her about the fact that you are smokers is not respectful. He's trying to turn his fear of his mother into something noble.
FAIL.
No self-respecting grownup will choose to live life in fear of another grownup. She makes her choices for herself & you make yours. It's sad he's living his adult life for anyone other than himself.
Don't fall into it. You can't be happy living for anyone but you.
We don't smoke in the house.
We don't smoke in the house. Never have. He's worried about disappointing her. I shouldn't have to worry about his mother hating me over something like saying something she doesn't like. Or doing something she doesn't like. If she choses to hate me for whatever reason then that's her choice. I really don't feel like I'm a bad person.
When SD's accusations came up the weekend before last I told him that I was going to text his mother and tell her that she should hold off on coming over. He freaked out and told me that if I did that she would hate me because of it, that they were coming over to see his kids. I think she may have been upset but I don't think that she would hate me for it. He's always telling me that I don't know her and he does.
LOL
LOL
He's so worried about
He's so worried about respecting his mother... what about respecting you? Don't change who you are for any man. Compromise yes. Change no.
You have to give respect to get respect. If his mother can't respect whatever life choices you two have made, then you owe her nothing. It truly is none of her business. This may sound like a small sacrifice for you to make, but believe me, if he gets you to change this about yourself, you won't even know yourself 10 years from now.
Relationships are about growth together. In order to grow together, you have to respect one another. It doesn't sound like your DH understands that.
Why would you want to be part
Why would you want to be part of that "family"? Seriously.
I absolutely understand where you are coming from because Ive been there and have been doing that for sometime. This is exactly the way my nutjob inlaws are. I never knew there were people that actually had these sorts of "values". To me, family is love, trust, being honest, wanting your family members to be good people, having a close enough bond to be able to let them know when they are not being good.
My dh's family is like your dh's. If someone in the family steals, rapes, pillages, or what not then they support that person completely. In fact, that person then becomes the victim and gets more attention than anyone. Right now, my sil is out on bond for forgery, identify theft, and 12 counts of fraud on my dh. No one in the family is speaking to DH! they are offering sil, love, money, emtional support and my dh, according to fil's exact words, "is a piece of shit". Hmmmm. Someone commits a crime against you-and you are a piece of shit? Confusing to me.
Dh was raised in this whole mess so it has taken awhile to get him to realize how effed up his family was. I used to see it in how he raised ss-whenever ss did something bad (which was over and over again on a daily basis)dh would feel sorry for him and think it was someone else's fault-even mine or my childrens. It seemed to matter not what the kid did to everybody else, in dh's eyes he was always the victim. It took many years, buy my dh's eyes are finally open. Love and family is about holding your family members, espcially your children, accountable. Teaching them responsiblity. So that they can funtion well in life and perhaps even give something back to the world.
I really had to focus with dh on the fact that *i* am him family. That *I* am the one that he pledged in front of GOD and others to love and honor til the day he dies. No such pledge was delivered to his family of origin or his children for that matter.
She's actually very nice. We
She's actually very nice. We get along just fine. She is a very strong and independent women whom I do have a lot of respect for. She has always mad me feel welcomed and has treated my BD like her own grandchild.
Is his mother that dumb? I'm
Is his mother that dumb? I'm sorry, even if you never smoke in the house, you smoke and most people of half normal intelligence can smell that on people's hands, clothes, hair etc.
she probably already knows that you smoke and thinks ya'll are a bunch of loons for sneaking around and "trying" to hide it from her. I like RealMcCoys word for your DH... douchetard!
p.s. In answer to your family question? Yes, I think there are two different kinds of family. I think of my blood relatives, best friend and DH as "family" i.e. the people I would give my left kidney for. I think of my ILs and skids as "family by association" these are the people that I only know because of DH and if DH and I were to ever divorce, not seeing them ever again would not bother me in the least.
You know the worst part about
You know the worst part about it is that he sees nothing wrong with telling me that his mother would never side with me ever because I'm not blood. The comment came out of nowhere because he was trying to be mean, which he denies. He feels that it's the truth and there's nothing wrong with being honest. Hopefully he remembers that the next time I choose to be honest with him.
I just don't understand him. I sent him a text earlier explaining that if that logic is true then when FIL's father called MIL a b!tch when they were still dating to her face in front of FIL that FIL should have sided with him, or when FIL sisters treated MIL like sh!t when they were dating FIL should have sided with them, or if DH or BIL chose to be disrespectful or be mean to thier mother that their father should side with them. They are after all his blood. MIL only married him and is not his blood. The only biological connection they share is the two kids they have. That's it.
I'm sorry...but you started a
I'm sorry...but you started a big ass fight over something you said that you weren't even being serious about??
If you invite someone to your home, it's rude to say, "you're not allowed to..."
You REALLY need to separate FOOTBALL with ALCOHOLISM. Your issues aren't football. In the least.
Don't live in fear of MIL. Just be respectful, and remember...it's your home.
I like my DH's family, a lot.
I like my DH's family, a lot. His parents, especially his dad, are awesome people. But I don't consider them MY family.
I have two full biological sisters and two half sisters. The man I call my brother is not blood related to me, he's my best friend. I consider my brother to be more family to me than my own bio family (excluding my children). My kids even call him uncle *his name*, but they don't call my sisters aunt *her name*. My brother has been there for me time and again, and my bio fam has not.
I have other friends that I consider family to me too. I consider my bios two best friends to be my children. They call me mum, I love them, they are family to me.
DH is fam too (for now anyway), but I do NOT consider skids my family. Tried that and got taken advantage of. They do not call me mom and I do not want them to.
Family is what you make it, not who you feel you HAVE to be family with because of some accident of birth or marriage.
This is a tough one.
This is a tough one. Personally, I have two categories of "family." The kind you are related by blood with, and the kind that you make your own. The only difference is that the kind you make your own are much more important than the ties of blood.
When we got married, my parents (being traditionally asian) sat DH and I down and said that they are not losing a daughter, like most would think, but instead are gaining a son. My parents have kept true to their word, whenever they find something they'd think DH would like they get it for him, as they do for me. Whenever he has any health issues, they immediately try to get him as much help as possible. If I'm being unreasonable or bitchy about my logic with him, they'd step to his defense and let me know I am out of line. They, bless them, fully opened their hearts to the idea of having another child by my marriage. They try not to overstep their bounds with him, and don't expect anything back other than to keep me happy. They, as long as we remain married and in love, would do anything for him, because he is now their "family."
DH says I am his family, and I basically come first in priorities. So far he has kept true to his word, and would defend me from even his own mother the few times he had to. MIL, who I am fond of, treats me for all intents and purposes, like family as well. She doesn't call me as she does her son, but she always thinks of my comfort when we're with her.
My cousins and my uncles and aunts... are considered blood family. But I do not hold any special place for them in my heart. My close friends mean more to me than them, and if I had to pick one, my friends would top.
Family, like many have said before, the one that you cherish and love and would kill for, are made, not birthed or tied by marriage.