Learning to let go
I'm needing to vent in a big way. My husband, who I adore, is a father to a highly ill mannered child. My ss is 12, and has primarily lived with biomom most of his life. He did come to live with us last year.
Biomom has always been unstable, highly confrontational, inconsistent, unreliable, untrustworthy, and always, always uses people including her children.
Last year, ss said he wanted to live with us because biomom decided to leave her 11 year old at home babysitting 3 year old brother, and didn't even bother to tell her kids she was leaving. They were in bed, and woke up the next morning and biomom was no where to be found. There are many other crazy instances, but I would gone on forever.
Long story short, all last year we dumped a lot of time, money and energy into my ss in counseling and thought retraining. My ss is thoroughly confused and thinks he is an adult, and argues to get his way 100% of the day. Anyhow, biomom broke up with bf and ran immediately to ss and said "You can live with me if you want."
Attorney says she will win custody if we choose to fight, so that is a losing battle, and in the long run, dad will only look like the bad guy. I am so sick of my house being torn upside down because biomom doesn't want to actually raise her children, and because she is constantly changing her mind.
SS is the most ill mannered child I have ever met. My entire family and group of friends cannot stand to even be around ss. I don't even like taking him out for outings because he doesn't know how to behave. He is so rude when he talks to people, and you can't correct it because he knows biomom will somehow undermine you, and he will get to do whatever he wants anyways.
Long story short, I am letting go, and I have asked my husband to throw in the towel. I have asked him to not even take his son on visitations, and only when ss really, really wants to come over. I know that this is not the best approach for the child's best interest, but I'm tired of losing my sanity. If biomom doesn't have to pull her head out for her kids, why should I be held to be one of the only two responsible adults in his life?
I think it's unfair to ss, but I think this is the road I need to take. It is 100% impossible to work with biomom.
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Candice...
If I was in your shoes, now that you know the attitude & behavior of the child. I wouldn't abandon spending time w/him. I would treat the child how you would treat your own child (if any or pretend to have). Be nice & be a friend to this child. Not necesarily take on the role as a mother figure. If he misbehaves tell him how to handle the situation and be persistent. This child obviously did not have proper discipline & no parent to guide him. It is what he needs, someone who pays attention to him & guide him...this is where you come in. If you abandon him then he is already used to the fact that everyone leaves him alone. It is more problematic for him. Take it day by day and in time he'll realize that you are the only one that truly cares for him and hopefully you'll be relieve and have developed a great relationship w/this child. Take it day by day and don't overwhelm yourself. This is step by step relationship building. Let us know what happens. Hope this will inspire you.
Thanks for your reply. I
Thanks for your reply. I just have lost all my energy, and don't know how to get it recharged. I'm thoroughly emotionally drained when it comes to the subject of ss.
I can't stop thinking of how insensitive biomom is, and how she is pissing all our hard work down the toilet all because she doesn't want to say no. She is the single most selfish individual I have ever met.
When you have been abused and taken for granted so many times, how do you recharge yourself? SS isn't ever going to learn, and I'm not confident the light bulb will go off when he becomes an adult. I really believe he will grow up to be a burden to society, and I am really sad for that.
Hi Candice
Hi Candice,
As you are spending your energy thinking about the biomom and worrying about stepson, you can't change any of that. I learned that the hard way and I didn't like what it did to me and the way that the anger and resentment was depleting me. Try to refocus on changing the things that you can change and focusing on making a difference for you (again...easier said than done!)
Thanks for your reply. I am
Thanks for your reply. I am depeleted right now, and I think I keep worrying about ss because I'm mourning over the stupidity. Everytime I start to think of him, I'm going to remember what you said "refocus.."
I believe I am unable to make a difference in ss life. The battles at will are just too great for me, so I will focus on my little on instead, and just not worry anymore.
Thanks for your thoughts and the time to remind me I can't change things!
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Throwing in the towel
When you say that you are throwing in the towel, I assume you mean with regard to your SS, not your marriage? SS has had to be the adult at his home and that is why he continues that role with you... He is at a very difficult age but I do believe that there is still hope as he may be crying out for attention, to be a kid? (Btw, what does DH say/do about his sons behaviour?). Remember, if you dont nip his behaviour in the bud now, he is going to grow up making trouble for others and you will have a whole new chapter of problems on your hands.. I guess you two (you and SS alone) have tried talking.. real heart to heart, go out for a meal and just talk, tell him that even though you may at times not seem to care, because you have been pushed to your limits, although you are an adult and that it may seen as though we are all very tough skinned and can take on any cream pie that is tossed in our face, we simply cannot. Tell him that you will always only be a phone call away and that he can come to you WHENEVER he needs to to discuss 'things' that you only want to be his friend to guide him along a path that isnt going to be a one way one....
On the other hand Candice, if you feel that you can no longer take it, then that is your decision to make and yours alone.... I think that we can all only do as much as we can and once it reaches overload, we are no longer any good to anyone, including ourselves! Maybe you need to back off a while in order to continue. Have you and your husband considered a vacation? Even a weekend getway for you both to recharge. And... you will both swear that SS will not be discussed the whole time, just you two... remembering what bought you together before the ex life/wife reared their ugly heads.. Stay strong and know that whatever path your heart is telling you to take is the right one.
Throwing in the Towel
I totally meant not contributing to raising the ss anymore, I'm still eager to be with my dh. Answering your question what does dh do about ss behavior...what ever he can. He has used many different and I will say clever forms of punishment that really hit home to ss, however, when biomom was advised of what was going on, she totally came in between ss and discipline.
For instance, ss forged my signature at school, we caught him, and he continously lied about it. He had biomom, and her entire fam convinced that I personally forged my own signature just to get him in trouble, and they all believed it. So, ss wouldn't come clean, he was grounded until he decided to come clean. SS kept himself grounded for 3 weeks to prove to us that I forged my own signature. Finally, dh got ss not only to come clean, but had him sign a note admitting that he forged my signature, and lied about it. We also said he had to come clean with his family over the phone. Then when he was to do that, he lied all over again. Well, this really set dh off. As a form of punishment, dh told him if he didn't come clean to his family, dh was taking him to get his hair cut off (he had a mini afro). DH out of respect to biomom, called her just to inform her of what is going on and how he was going to handle it. She at first thought it was a great idea, then ss guilted her into changing her mind, and then biomom told dh he couldn't do it. Biomom even told ss "pack your things your moving back in with me..." over a hair cut.
SS really thought biomom was going to rescue him again from discipline, and therefore he wouldn't come clean. At 4:00 p.m. dh took ss to supercuts, and cut off all his locks!!! I thought is was a wonderful lesson, only to hear biomom screaming at the other end of the phone. He did finish living with us throughout the rest of the year, but biomom won't return him for school this year.
Whenever we try to discipline or instill any morals or character into ss, biomom is and always has been on the forefront to rescue ss, not because we are bad people with horrible ideas, but because she want's to look like the good guy.
I actually laughed when you said "if you don't nip it in the bud now, he will grow up to be a trouble maker.." Every time we try to correct his behavior and attitude, biomom is right there rescuing him from whatever we are trying to teach him. That is primarily why I am so frustrated! How come she doesn't care about his future?
I am 100% certain that ss will continue to grow up being hateful, resentful, lazy, and unmotivated to do anything with his life. His future is living on his mother's couch, just like her brothers do to her parents. I'm losing hope for him. SS isn't just difficult because of the age, he is difficult because he can be, and he thinks no one is going to do anything about it...he looks at you like you just need to live with his nasty attitude.
I understand completely
I can relate with your story. I have three SD. The oldest hates me because she is very close with her mom. She is nice to me when she needs help when she is having trouble with her mom, when we but her things, but after that she turns into a total snot. She met my family for the first time last month (they all live out of state) and I am finding out that she was hateful and disrespectful to multiple members of my family. I refuse to allow her in my home again until she gives me and apology and she is ready to call every member of my family that she offended and apologize. My middle SD is 12 and has lived with us for a year and a half. We have had her in counseling for her trying to act like an adult, she argues with me and will never admit when she has done something wrong, and she lies constantly. She has even lied to family about me until they caught on to what she as doing. She still lives with us, but we have been hearing from famil;y members that she is telling everyone that our household is too strict (she is 12 and is not allowed to date until she is 16, she has a curfew, and she we confirm her whereabouts when she says she is out with friends). I completely understand how you feel and know from experience that you cannot always do what is best for the children. You need to try to do what is best, but still respect yourself anf realize that you do not have to be a doormat.