dledden's picture

FINALLY I told Fiancee the truth......

It took me 3 years, but I finally shared my innermost feelings and fears with fiancee over his son's and my relationship. SS8 wouldn't leave school the other day (another autistic meltdown), and my mother and his teacher, and my kids had to deal with the issue. I finally laid it on the line with fiancee that ss8's behaviors are too much for me to deal with alone. He was like "do you want to leave us" and that is NOT what i want to do. I want him to actually be 'accountable' for his son's behavior. It can't just be me all the time. I explained that the lack of control I have with ss8 makes me feel like, all over again, i'm back in an abusive relationship. I have no control over the situation, and never know how it's going to turn out. Fiancee works every other saturday. I told him how I wake up on those saturdays with a knot in my stomach hoping and praying ss8 will comply with what I need from him when dad's not there. I told him that I come to a 'secret' stepparent chatroom to vent because i've been scared to come to him. I think he was in SHOCK, but he did tell me that he will do WHATEVER HE NEEDS TO DO to help me.

First thing was that I told him that he needs to be more accountable for his son's behaviors. ss8 doesn't misbehave or have meltdowns for his father. It's like "i don't believe God exists because I can't see him" kind of thing. I told him he has to take other's observations, stresses, and concerns over dealing with his son seriously. I told the teacher at school that from now on, when ss8 won't comply with her wishes, that she needs to call dad on the phone, in the middle of his workday, INCONVENIENCE HIM, so that the child will do what she needs done. This is the only thing that works. I told him he needs to feel the stress and inconvenience that the rest of us deal with in order to fully understand what the rest of us who care for him are going through. Unfortunately today, ss8 refused to go to gym class at school. teacher called dad and forced him to address the issue.......I think he's finally gettin it!

I think that he really will step up and start helping me. One thing I requested was that maybe on Saturdays when he works ,he could ask his dad if ss8 could come hang with him for the day. which I know pop pop would love as ss8 lived with him for 7 years. I think he will work on making that happen for us.

I shouldnt have to live in a household where I stress over a child, and the child shouldn't live in a household where his stepmom has so much stress and animosity towards him.

I am glad I came clean, it feels like a load off. i can't say that this will help me ever "love" stepson, but maybe it will help me care for him a little better Smiling

witsend71's picture

You have it hard and my heart

You have it hard and my heart goes out to you. My SD is autistic and my advice after 12 yrs is to set boundaries and agreements with DH but don't expect SS to show caring or respect on his own...may never happen. Forget about how things SHOULD be cause you don't live on that planet. Try to accept him on his terms and know that DH will always see SS w rose colored glasses. It's basically the advice every step parent needs only to the 100th power. Let DH know how much you care for SS and show this caring by planning programs and activities that he chooses...not just the ones you think he would or should like or that would be good for him. I have learned this the hard way. (((hug)))


sterlingsilver's picture

I raised my own daughter who

I raised my own daughter who is autistic. She has other issues too but predominately that. It was hard for me and she is my own flesh and blood. My ex and I had to put her into a care home at age 13 b/c she has bipolar and had episodes where she got very aggressive towards me and only me. She got too big and strong for me. If she hadn't been mine I don't know that I cold have done it. She grew bigger and stronger but didn't grow up so she became stronger then me. You have a much bigger job then the rest of us. Best to you Smiling

janeyc's picture

Oh good for you, I felt

Oh good for you, I felt better and things got better when I told bf how I felt, I got kicked, spat at, slapped, tripped up and extremely rude behaviour, Daddy did nothing, he seemed powerless to do anything, I told him its time to be a proper parent, he needed that kick up the arse, it is true that if Daddy ensures that you ss's behaviour improves, your stress will reduce and it will be easier to have a more positive relationship with him.