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Learning to Settle In

pinkb's picture

I've been "lurking" on this site for some time... I would really like some guidance from someone who's been around the block a few more times than I have.

I am newly engaged to a fantastic man that I have known for a few years. We have been blissfully happy since we reconnected last year. We dated a few years ago but neither was in a space to "settle in"... but we finally ended up in the same city again, etc.

My fiance has a 15 year old son who (thankfully) is one of the best teenagers I have ever met. I relocated so that we could be together and the child could go to the high school that he wanted. We were originally supposed to have him "half" the time. Half the time immediately changed to all school days "to provide him a stable environment to succeed academically". Inside of a month his mother asked us to have him all the time. My fiance asked me if that was okay and I thought it was a fine idea. During the times that we didn't have him his BM was often unavailable to get him to/fro so a lot of the time we were dropping everything to come "rescue" him so it made sense anyway. He's still paying her child support (a whole 'nother topic) but I think we're on the right path here...

As (I'm learning) most 15yo boys have busy schedules. His father drives him to/from school every day (which easily takes 90 minutes) there's sports practice (dad) one day of the weekend and the child has "band practice" one school night and Sunday afternoons. With a (not unreasonable amount of) attitude, he will take out the trash maybe twice a week. He will do his own laundry (at the last minute, at odd hours that are inconvenient to me). About 50% of the time his dishes make it into the dishwasher. I've finally stopped picking up the slack in putting things in the common areas back in their place because I was spending so much time angry about it. Then comes the kicker... his dad has been out of work for the last month and though is looking hard for a new job hasn't found one yet.

So, a handful of issues that I am borderline "losing it" on...

1) As the primary (only) current breadwinner in the household (and I easily work 70 hours a week, mostly outside the home traveling)... thankfully I love my job, what portion of my life should I expect to NOT revolve around this child? At 15 years old (and 6'2") in a safe neighborhood in suburbia, is it unreasonable to expect him to take the bus, largely find most of his own transportaion or do all parents just drop everything when their kids want to go here/there/everywhere. I am at the point that I don't even want to make plans because I live in anticipation of the phone ringing and we drop everything to go fetch the kid (even if a start/stop was planned at another time and he's just decided he's "ready" to come home or go somewhere else)

2) When I was a teenager, I did chores for my allowance. What's reasonable to expect of a 15 year old? I'm sick of my home being treated like a hotel.

3) As the new step-mother-type figure, my fiance wants to have chores/homework/discipline type conversations together with his son. I think that's HIS job except when I ask him to figure out scheduling/chore stuff with his son and nothing happens. How do you handle this in your households?

4) Given the fact that money is tight right now we don't have a housekeeper. I know that sounds frivilous but I did the math years ago and it's more profitable to my household to spend that money (when we have it) on help in the house and spend the extra hours focused on my work. Since money is tight right now and neither my fiance or his son contribute (much) to the bottom line, am I unreasonable to expect that they handle the majority of the housework? Especially when I'm really only home about 12 days a month?

Finally, when financial "hard times" come into play, what's appropriate to share with a kid this age? We aren't in danger of not eating or having trouble paying fo the bare essentials... but conversations around "his money" (the child's) for sexy toys when I don't have the time (or recently money) to do anything superfluous, it doesn't seem unreasonable for the *need* for the latest technology toy causes me to have real heartburn. If I hear about the new iPhone again I may strangle someone.

Thanks, in advance, for your thoughts.

Comments

Kes's picture

In answer to your questions:
- Yes - you should expect him to use public transport and not have a personal dad taxi service.
- Yes - he should do chores around the house. If you are working 70hrs and your partner is out of work, he should do the majority of the housework at the moment.
- You should certainly not fund an iPhone. If he wants this he can get a Saturday job to pay for it.
On the whole, do not allow yourself to be made use of, either practically or financially, or you will end up very resentful and things may escalate until you have so much anger you no longer wish to be in the relationship. It is better to set out your boundaries with relation to your partner sooner rather than later, as they will be more easily accepted. Be really firm. Regarding dealing with your SS, it is your decision whether you engage with him yourself, or make your partner responsible solely for that. Whichever you decide, be firm and consistent.

wtfcask's picture

I would definitely postpone the nuptials until your fiance has a job. That's just too much of a burden for you, I mean you're not married to this man and certainly do not owe him any financial support unless you choose to do so. Right now you are "sharing" your income with him and the son, and what are you getting in return...not much. I realize you love him, but that only goes so far until you start to build resentment for the situation and that anger will eventually fester and show it's ugly face if you don't address the financial obligations in the home.

If your fiance' is able to help with housework during the day, he should without you asking him to do so. You need to take his blinder's off so he can see that housework needs to be done. Surely he isn't looking for employment every waking hour.

As for the catering to every whim of the SS15, I've been there only with a SD16. I swear she would change things up just to piss me off. My husband simply cannot see how manipulative she is and drops everything to appease her. When I finally dug my heels in when he was out of town and unable to meet her needs at the drop of a hat, I was the bad guy...pleasssssssse. She needed a reality check, and I gave it to her. No I cannot leave work because you have a headache and want to come home from school...No I am not running you to the mall so you can do nothing productive..No I am not running you to your friend's house..No I am not running you to get your nails done...etc...I basically put a halt to all her fun and she soon realized that I was not her taxi service. I had a excuse for everything believe me. I was not running her to events both ways anymore simply because she was afraid to ask friends to carpool.

Every household has their own set of problems, and I am judging by any means. I am only offering my advice, take it if you want.

Done WIth It's picture

IS your life better with these 2 non workers or is it better on your own with money to spend and no obligations.

I guarantee you, what money, what kindness, what sacrifices you do will not be appreciated, but soon expected.

This is good you've found this site. You continue with this man, you'll be in here all during the day instead of researching the internet for vacations or good deals on auction sites.

It's your money, it's your time. What value do you place on yourself to take on people who do nothing for you but eat up your resources.