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Engaged to man with adult stepchild - need advise before agreeing to marriage

Valentina's picture

I am engaged to man who has a 24 year old adult son. Son did not like me when we met. he was rude. He spent middle school in alternative school. Son is spoiled and does not respect his father. Father financially helps him with any mistakes he makes (traffic tickets, car accident repairs). He is currently travelling internationally with part father's money part his own. My fiancé told me if he ever got a girl pregnant he will pay for everything. Son plans to go to college fully paid for by father. Son does not give father the time of day (not even a phone call on father's day) unless he needs something.
I grew up in traditional family where 50 year marriages are the norm. I am 39 - I want a Covenant Christian marriage. We are not sexually intimate and we do not live together. I currently am a Special ed teacher. I plan to get married, try to get pregnant and then stay at home for a couple years taking care of my husband and child(ren). For the remainder of the marriage I plan to work part time only as I want to focus a decent amount of my time parenting and taking care of my husband. I expect to have the same marriage from my family - my parents are 100% trusting to one another and family members and there is only family money not husband's money/wife's money. I expect that if my husband dies with no children from me that his estate is split evenly between the two of us. If we have kids then kids will be treated equally and another financial equation would be addressed. My fiancé and I talked about all this and he agreed to traditional marriage of me trying to get pregnant me staying at home. He kept quiet about sharing money in discussions. Boyfriend proposed and I said yes and I told everyone who would listen of my engagement. He then presented me with a prenup. Fiance is 53 and could retire in 2 years. He told me that he plans to give 90% of entire estate to 24 year old son including retirement pension if he dies. he said that I can get half only after 25 years of marriage. I feel this is unreasonable considering his age and mine. I feel that it is unhealthy that I am not equal to his son until I "earn" my service years of 25 years. In a covenant marriage I believe I am just as much a family member as his son and he should not be considered worth more than me. A man leaves his mother and father and cleaves to his wife and then they become one flesh..not a man becomes one flesh with his son. I feel hurt by this. He also does not want change the prenup to take into consideration if we have more children...I told him that until he makes an appointment with a Christian counselor about this, he needs to stop talking to me. He loves spending time with me and I think allowing him to talk and spend time with me (I cook for him, nurture him, come over and clean his home, do his laundry, take his dogs for walks)he will just keep the status quo and not make any decisions either way...do you think there is any hope? Even though I love him, should I walk away or am I making a mistake?

stepmonster_2011's picture

Walk?

I'm saying RUN.

Any man that enables a 24yr old to be that dependent, AND then says 90% of his estate goes to the kid? NO.

Keep looking. There is a good man out there that will value you as his partner and equal.

and in the event you are still thinking about marrying this man - where does he even mention providing for your (potential) children? Say you marry him with the intent of making 25+ years. He dies, after giving you 2 children, in say 15 years. What provisions are made to care for his OTHER children?

Seriously.

NO.

Valentina's picture

Thank you for your strong words. They made me have a good laugh and also validated how I feel!

SugarSpice's picture

agree. he is married to his son. that means if he marries you, you will take second place.

think about this before you marry a man so attached to his son. otherwise, your marriage will be a source of bitterness, resentfulness and heartache.

twoviewpoints's picture

So what he is asking is to protect everything the man has worked for and earned on his own his entire adult life prior to the moment you marry him? Correct? Or is he asking you to waive anything and everything including whatever he earns/invests from the start of the marriage also?

I'm asking because you were not exactly clear on what funds he wants to protect. Realistically you played no part in a dime of what he earned from say age 20 to 53. It's not unusual in that type of a situation to request a pre-nup to protect what was never yours in the first place. Basically what I'm getting out of your post is you want 50% (?) of his prior earnings (even if he croaked 30 days after marriage), have babies, be mostly a SAHM and live off his income prior and still incoming.

I'm not saying he's being fair or not, I guess I'm asking why you should be automatically entitled to the first 30 some years of the man's earnings that you played no part in building. I think if I were him I'd be be bit concerned too about a potential mate who believes there should be no 'your money, my money' but only 'our money' from first day of marriage on considering his age. I will assume that your state laws do not indicate that upon marriage your a 50/50 state on pre-marital assets.

stepmonster_2011's picture

You have a very valid point here. And I would totally agree with you, if the 24 year old son wasn't also a complete dependent. (actually I would probably tell any of my girlfriends to run just because of this!) Smile

It's one thing to have the will set up that a big chunk of the estate goes to the kids (esp when marrying late in life); but I have a real issue with the whole "oh yeah, if you make it 25 years, then ya know, I'll give you some of the money..."

ALSO - and this just occurred to me - what does his WILL look like vs a pre-nup? Do they work in conjunction? Like does the will get updated, if she meets the 25 year pre-nup rule? (this is me being curious) Or is it possible that she meets the requirements of the pre-nup only to be screwed in a will?

Not Happening's picture

Wait. You stated you are engaged.

May I ask if this will be your first marriage? Is this his first marriage?

Not Happening's picture

And to be frank. Why on EARTH would you think it is a good idea to have a child with a 53 year old man who enables his son (which you don't approve of)???

Leopards. Spots. They don't change. 53 year old man isn't going to change after raising a 24 year old his way.

LindaKjl's picture

Wooden Hammer in my right hand.....taking it to your head.....are you CRAZY for marrying into this mess??? You will ALWAYS be 2nd to his son!!
Run........NOW!

Sambolina1's picture

Run run run. You clearly aren't considered an equal partner. Go find someone who will cherish you for the gem that you really are.

Igiveupsotornupinside's picture

Ok, I stopped reading at prenup! Run. Sorry but you sound like a decent person and you deserve to have the traditional marriage you want. You mention having a baby with him and he is even from the sounds of it leaving that child out now by giving the majority if not all to SS24! Yeah no, leave. Let me tell you why.

I am 36, my husband is 53. We have the age gap too only difference no prenup from the beginning. we have been together for 12 years, he stands by my side, I stand by his. We always say 50/50 to eachother. When SD19 turned on us (long story) he stood with me, I stood with him. We have 2 children together now and he is a wonderful father. SD19 that just used him for money reasons and dropped him like a hot cake when money was cut off, he started saying "I am not sacrificing my wife and 3 children for one that refuses help from me and to help herself".

Ok what I am saying is prenup shows no trust. When we made the will, I was even all for (if I passed on too) splitting house and his life insurance 4 equal ways (2 SDs and our 2 DDs). Of course I left my own life insurance to hubby and then to my daughters but that is because both SDs are adults now and ours are only 8 and 3. Your fiancé is not thinking one bit about his child you plan to have with him. That is not right.

beepysee's picture

not sexually intimate? ok. 24 year old being babied not so ok. pre nup details not so good. Are you that desperate for a child? you should not marry him. you aren't doing it because you love him - you have motherhood planned, that is not the same as being in love and having a full relationship (including loving sex)that can grow into parenthood naturally. you have you plan for the future but it doesn't match his. find some one unattached and nearer your age, fall in love and see how it goes. dump this one before it's too late

Modernworld1011's picture

My first husband has a child like your step son to be. She's in her 30s has a kid and no husband and still is supported entirely by my ex. What is sad is that when we divorced he truly wanted me to receive nothing, and our daughter who is a successful grounded child was treated second rate as well. It is not lost on me that he paid for his first child's schooling which has led to no employment and continues to support her fully. Yet, he balked at paying for our daughter's school and has never helped with rent, buying a home for myself and our daughter. Crazier yet, the first child is adopted and loathes him, where as his own biological child who loves and adores him gets almost nothing from him. Please, you don not want children with this man. He's already telling you he will favor his adult son, and I am here telling you how hard it is when they follow through on those promises. I watch my step daughter spend his money on tattoos and cigarettes while he refuses to buy school supplies for our child. The excuse "get your mother to do it." Never mind I was a stay at home mom at his request and expectation who has now had to make a career from scratch after 20 years out of the working world. He has the money, but won't share it. I don't understand the dynamic, but I fear you might end up in the same horrible space. Be careful!

whatamess's picture

Please leave this situation immediately. This man does not care for you the way you do him and my guess is, if you were to get married, he would renege on everything he agreed to prior to the marriage. Find someone who wants what you want. You deserve to not settle for what he's giving you...which isn't much.

thinkthrice's picture

WOW RED FLAG/GUILTY DADDY ALERT--WHOOOOP! WHOOOOP! WHOOOOP! WHOOOOP!

RUN.LIKE.THE.WIND

tan's picture

SD here makes me feel so many emotions that are all negative. Will always be a problem. You will never feel special or important. RUN! Sorry it will hurt but in long run you are so much better off. Take it from experience.