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3 days into 2018...Here we go...

Let_therebepeace's picture

On a daily basis, literally everyday for 9 years, I say something to SS15 or DH about SS15 leaving his things lying around everywhere. It's so bad, someone in my family posted a video on social media to give me ideas on how to get some type of control over the issue. So, this morning after tripping over SS15 shoes in our main room, I took them and put them away in our bedroom. Purposely hiding them. *side note - SS15 has more than one pair of shoes, I only took the pair left lying in the middle of the floor.

I get a phone call from DH, yelling & cussing, because SS called him about the missing shoes. DH was furious because his phone was not working right, he is on an extremely stressful job this week & he did not want to deal with SS missing shoes because I took them. Mind you, I had discussed the video shared with me on social media and explained that I was going to start doing this to my BS & to SS when they left their things lying about, trashing up our home. I purposely included my BS when I talked to DH about this, because I didn't want to make him feel like I was singling his child out. When DH and I were talking about it, DH made the comment "That will never work, they have so much stuff they won't even know anything is missing". Obviously SS realized that pair of shoes was missing.

Occasionally the other kids in the home leave an item or two lying around, but I am not exaggerating when I say SS is spoken to about it everyday.

So, I am furious at DH for reaction towards me. I can not speak to him right now because I am so angry. This is not the first time he has taken his frustration out on me all because of something that started with/by SS's actions. I do not feel like I did anything wrong, but I just want someone else's opinion.

hereiam's picture

When your SS15 has his own place, he can leave all of his crap lying around. Until then, leaving it lying around has consequences.

A 15 year old should not have to be told every.single.day to put his crap away.

You told your husband what you were going to do...and you did it. Instead of telling you it wouldn't work, he should have told his son what was going to happen if he did not pick up after himself. Then should have backed you up.

By the way, when my brothers were that age, they were wearing size 14 or 15 shoe. A person could break their neck tripping over those boats. I would be pissed, also.

thinkthrice's picture

DH is definitely not backing you. And the glib "they have so much stuff they won't notice" is crap. WHY do they have so much stuff? Let me guess, guilty daddy bought boatloads of "love" for SS.

I would leave them where they are and "do something" to them. Hell they are out in the unprotected "wilderness" of your living room, kitchen, etc. Soda (or worse) could "accidentally" spill inside of them. Someone might "accidentally" drop a lego into one or a miniature toy? Who knows?

Do you have a dog? Fido could suddenly develop a shoe chewing problem if said shoes are left out in the open.

Do you have a cat with SBI problem? (sudden bowel incontinence) I know some of our skids on this site have SBI but Fluffy could REALLY do some damage.

Java_Junkie's picture

I think a lot of these ideas are fun to envision, but the reality is that the passive-aggressive approach always backfires, so I would not recommend these things.

I've had a PILE of minor issues like this, and I normally just take the item and toss it in their room OR I will leave it lying around so DW sees it and can gauge how much her kids leave stuff lying around. DW is an anti-clutternut, so it works pretty well. The only thing I don't like is SD and SS tend to declutter by "stashing," so things can get lost or forgotten from time to time. But they don't stash MY things, so I don't care a lot.

I mentioned in another thread, maybe try implementing a(n):
Island Of Misplaced Toys
Home for Wayward Things
Shelter for Homeless Items
Jail for Derelict Possessions
Impound Lot
Lost And Found
...and whenever you find something, just put it there. They'll get tired of going there and sifting through all the misplaced (and unceremoniously dumped) clutter that they'll learn to keep track of their belongings.
BONUS: Consider telling them that if it ever gets FULL, you'll donate the contents to the Salvation Army.

As the major bread-winner whose name is on a lot of assets, I do believe I am entitled to a little extra leeway. I am not perfect, but I do generally tidy up after myself.

I've had some interesting experiences with the SKids opening a can of Coke and taking two sips and leaving it to get dumped. So I simply STOPPED cleaning them up - and STOPPED buying more. Now, DW saw how much they'd been wasting and is now the one who buys it. When I want a soda (which is rare), I buy it at work or at a restaurant. A lot less stress!

jct918's picture

This is exactly my plan if SO's daughter has to move in with us, and I've told him that. Anything left out in common areas goes in a covered bin outside. She can sift through a find it. If it gets full, it gets donated. SO can sift through, etc if he wants to. I haven't quite figured out what to do with plates/glasses left out. Leaving them out is not an option for me and I don't want to turn into a raging nag to SO.

Java_Junkie's picture

"I haven't quite figured out what to do with plates/glasses left out."

Paper plates and Solo Cups (or sippy cups like babies get, if they spill them). Tell them straight up that you get (LITERALLY) tired of (as in, you spend too much time and it wears you down) cleaning up after them, so that's their new dish. When they run out, let SO buy new...

Raggles's picture

I would have thrown them away!!!

I did this when i used to live with SO and his daughters. I fell down the staires after tripping over their crap
I can honestly say they never noticed anything missing and if they did it didnt get back to me.
Its your house, you have explained what is going to happen, continue to follow through and it will have an affect.
As for your DH, explain you have talked and discussed this and until they learn to tidy up it will continue whether he backs you or not. Though you would prefer his support!

wickedsm1234's picture

I seriously would tell that skid that if he goes bleating to daddy again, you will make his life a misery and take ALL his shoes.

I would then tell my husband that if he DARES ever yell at you like you are his child, you are going to see a divorce lawyer.

Woman up! This is completely unacceptable. Your husband should be BACKING you, not undermining you.

Go on strike. Now. Do nothing for either of them until they each give you the apology you deserve.

Good luck x.

Thumper's picture

This is a safety issue. You could have fallen.

IF my bios would leave stuff around in a walking traffic area they 'would' become mine.

Thoughtfulness and safety for others is a biggie at our house.

Cover1W's picture

"Thoughtfulness and safety for others is a biggie at our house."

This is exactly what I tell DH, along with "Learning life skills about how to take care of oneself."

And this is why I have a 24 hour rule. Anything left in living area or shared areas in the house get dealt with by my, however I see fit. Period. Because I'm the only one that deals with them.

One time SD14 (then 12) was in tears because she discovered her lunch bag thrown outside down the stairs. DH actually backed me up on that - he said to her, "Maybe if you didn't leave it in front of the fireplace it would be better." And that's what your DH should have done.

Stick to your plan.
Be strong, firm and don't argue back.

marblefawn's picture

Yes, you're doing the right thing.

My parents were not divorced (though they should have been). My sister was a slob and I was typical. When my mother got sick of dealing with my sister's mess, she setup a box in the garage. Anything not put away by my sister was put in the box. If the retainer ended up under the dirty shoes, so be it. Though it was more work for my mother to walk the stuff all the way to the garage rather than putting them away, the method worked on me. It didn't work on my sister, who is still a defiant slob.

You do what you gotta do to get the kids to do what you want them to do. This is your right as the adult. I'm not sure why your spouse isn't on your side - it takes a team of two to win some of these battles. But if you setup the box, the kids will know where to inconveniently find their stuff and it will be out of your way.

mommadukes2015's picture

The Jury is back.

The verdict in the above entitled action isas follows:

You Go Girl!

I would start doing the same thing. I HATE when people do that.

ndc's picture

You did not do anything wrong; in fact, you're doing something right. You're teaching SS that there are consequences when he doesn't follow the rules. Your husband, on the other hand, has done something very wrong, and he should be backing you up 100% instead of yelling at you. The blame belongs on his son, not on you.

Let_therebepeace's picture

Thanks everyone! I still have the shoes that I took. Although I have not spoken to SS or DH about what happened yesterday, I plan to continue with this course of action. If he leaves something else anywhere other than his bedroom it will become mine. If he can go a week without leaving anything (and I mean anything) in a shared space, then I will give him his shoes back...after a lengthy conversation with him that this is how it will be from here on out.

DH is another story. We go through cycles, he will back me 110% sometimes, then other times (usually when he is overwhelmed by either SS or some other situation) he goes off the deep end and acts like I'm the worst person in the world to his son. I can't really figure it out, and honestly I'm tired of trying. We have a great relationship in every other area except SS and like I said, sometimes even that is good.

As to going on strike, Lol, I stopped doing for them a long time ago. I am a firm believer in "Do unto others..." and well, after years of doing for everyone in my home and not getting the same in return I stopped all unnecessary acts. I only do what I want to do for them. Whatever they get out of me at this point is based on how they treat me...and yes this includes DH.