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When is it officially a lost cause?

Let_therebepeace's picture

Apologizing in advance for the length...but this isn't even half of what I've been dealing with!

A little back story to set the scene. DH and I have been together just over 10 years. Four children (16,16,16, & 15) between us, none together, that have lived with us FT for 9 & 1/2 years. The first two years were exactly what I expected, skids & bios fought, DH & I argued. Then around the three year mark, things started to fall in place for everyone, except SS. At first the issues were him lying to get the other kids in trouble or himself out of trouble. Then the issues spilled over into school. *Sidenote #1 SS was diagnosed ADHD and medicated. However, even though it helped with him retaining lessons at school, it did nothing to help with his lack of motivation or his sneaky personality (throwing away homework before getting home with it). I thought I was doing the right thing, DH worked out of town Monday-Friday, so I took on the responsibility of handling school issues with SS. *Sidenote #2 BM is an addict and is not consistent in visitation, and certainly not capable of caring for SS for any length of time. However, once DH started being at home in the evenings & SS was getting older and into more trouble at school, I completely disengaged from any & all things school related. From that time to now, SS has had multiple school write-ups, out of school suspensions & in school suspension. For every referral/write-up SS came home with a far fetched scenario or excuse or out right lie about how he wasn't at fault. DH did try punishing SS in the beginning, but after a while and SS continuing to get into trouble he gave up. There was/is an issue that DH can't seem to get passed. During the fifth grade, the school did a week long anti-bullying thing. From that point on, any time there is trouble (and it's only mentioned when he is in trouble) with SS, that is an excuse SS & even DH uses to excuse his behavior. "No one likes me, everyone picks on me". He is manipulating DH. DH still believes SS when he uses this excuse, even though multiple teachers over the years have told him that SS is a leader and the other students follow his behavior, he has many friends at school, and if he would stay out of trouble and not disrupt the instruction time the teachers would love to have him all day.
However, in the past year SS has found another form of manipulation. Claiming he is going to kill himself every time he gets into trouble. Sidenote #3 He has been evaluated by a psychiatrist & a psychologist both who have told us this is a form of manipulation and a way to avert the attention from what SS did wrong and any punishment he may have coming to cause DH to fear SS reaction. Basically it's SS way of assuring DH doesn't punish him. Recently he was suspended from school for an act of vandalism. DH's "punishment" for SS was he isn't allowed to go anywhere. SS was allowed to keep his cell phone, television privileges, Xbox, free/play time outside in our yard. A day or two ago, DH and I were texting about SS and somethings he had done at home that I felt DH needed to address. Somehow someway DH managed to make the following excuse for SS "He really doesn't have any friends or anyone to do anything with, and he just can't get passed it." My first thought to that text was - "Not true, he talks about these 5-6 friends all the time, DH just doesn't want to have that excuse for SS behavior taken away" my second thought was "If you really believe that, then how was his "punishment" of not being able to go anywhere a punishment at all???" The older children in the home either drive or have friends that drive. SS is nearly 2 school years behind than the others, so he nor his friends drive...maybe that's why DH feels like SS doesn't have friends, IDK? DH also texted that everyone in our home gives SS a hard time. My response to that was that the other kids are angry,they may take it out on SS because they know better than to be disrespectful to you, because of the differential treatment you show SS vs them (them being my 2 bios and my SD). At any given time, DH will say something to one of the three older children for something they have done wrong but SS can do the exact same thing and DH doesn't say anything to him. We have a situation that came up this morning. DH came to me and told me I needed to do something with BS for what he did. LET ME SAY, I AGREE WITH DH. I have already addressed it with BS and he knows there is a punishment coming this afternoon. My issue is that exactly a month ago from tomorrow, SS did the exact same thing that BS did last night, and DH was told SS did it...but SS was not punished, not even a word has been spoken about SS doing this thing that DH wanted me to punish BS for. DH & I have had this conversation before...the difference he shows SS vs the others. The other three children, SD his own daughter included, complain to me about it all the time, but are not willing to say anything to DH anymore because he says he doesn't show a difference. Says that he is constantly getting onto SS. That's not true, but if it were true it would be because of SS behavior and no one else's fault. Also, even though he does "get onto" SS sometimes, it simply is not enough. This is a kid that has been in so much trouble over the years, a criminal act of violence last year & an act of vandalism this year - that's just the two out of school suspensions. Not to mention all the things he's done to get in school suspensions, problems in our home, problems with his stepdad when he did go visit his BM, I could go on and on and on. SS is literally the only source of tension between everyone in our home. Otherwise, DH & I are great. The other three kids are great at school and home, and when they screw up (as expected all teenagers will) they accept the consequences and move on. Part of me says 15 years old is old enough to know exactly what he's doing and if he doesn't want to change, he's just one of those kids that's going to end up in jail/prison. The other part of me says 15 years old is still young enough to get through to him, but how - especially if DH doesn't think he'll ever change??? I know I am just SM, but this is my DH's kid, it's going to have an effect on our lives forever. But when do I know there is no hope left for turning him around & it's a lost cause?

Let_therebepeace's picture

Who is with him depends on DH & my work schedule/availability. He is not currently in therapy, although he has been for more years than not...it does not make a difference in his behavior.

classyNJ's picture

It is tough when it seem even therapy does not work.

Your DH needs to see the light that he is making things worse by doling out different punishments. Maybe he should also speak to a therapist.

Sad to say but the next time he threatens self harm, take him to the hospital as many have suggested when their steps are trying to manipulate.

I can tell you from experience with my nearest and dearest friend. Her son threatened self harm for years! Therapy did not help, living with his father didn't help, ignoring didn't help. So one night he threatened again, she called me and we took him to the hospital. Thankfully he was a week away from turning 18 and speaking with the doctors they suggested he stay in for a minimum of 3 days for observation.

The difference in this kid (now man 20) is such an opposite that it's hard to believe. He no longer threatened but took the time to calm down, listen, use his words and move on. Sometimes it takes something that drastic to make them want to make changes.

Thumper's picture

"WHEN is it officially a lost cause"

That is a difficult question to answer. Side note first: Shocking to read that the other kids are doing ok considering SS behavior. Totally NOT it was in our home. Our other kids were grossly effected. Ours was very scary and an awake nightmare for several years.

Your ss is a minor and may turn around in a controlled environment such as Turn About Ranch.

I worked with a man who previously worked with criminal Juveniles before he accepted a higher position...anyway he told me that by age 11 kids either are decent kids typical up's and downs with nothing criminal going on, OR they take that turn down the wrong path.

Some situations are bigger than you are. Some kids need a break to work ONLY on themselves and your ss may fit that bill.

Look up The Turn About Ranch...tell them what you wrote here. Your insurance may cover everything. OR they may help you out with discounts.

Something to think about and I hope it may help you.

PS bad behavior is NOT a right of passage for boys but it is a prelude of what is yet to come.

I HAVE SEEN IT FIRST HAND...

Let_therebepeace's picture

Thank you, I will look into it! I don't want to give-up on him, but I was lost for where to turn next.

Honestly, other than the resentment they hold towards SS & DH, they are truly great kids. I am surprised myself, especially with my BS, they haven't tested us more since there is so little structure with DH for SS. SS alone is a daily nightmare, I can't imagine if the others were to start acting out. I don't think I could handle it.

Thanks again!

Harry's picture

You have to take him someplace and find out what is wrong, this is not normal
If he is sick, you can get him help if that doesn’t work. Mostlikely it will not work..
You have to remove him from your home. Before he distroys the other kids

Rags's picture

OMG! WHITE SPACE!!!!!!! Please.

I can't get through this monstrosity of post if you don't use basic Word, Sentence, Paragraph structure.

Thanks.

Rags's picture

Okay, I think I got most of it.

IMHO there will be absolutely zero success in dealing with this toxic crotch nugget if you and your DH do not immediately invoke a zero tolerance standard for his behavioral crap.

If he were mine in any way... all of his electronics would ether go under the car tire, under a hammer, or get donated to GoodWill. He would have zero access to anything electronic except under direct hairy eyeball supervision during homework time and then only for school work.

If he can't behave accordingly and do the work he should be doing at school then he he would be doing nothing but drudgery time consuming work when he would normally be enjoying himself. What worked for my Skid at this age was countless tens of thousands of sentences, all written by hand, in perfect handwriting, perfect spelling, perfect grammar at the pace of ~120-180/hr for days, weeks, and months on end. The sentences should focus on his chosen transgressions so that his choices and the consequences for those choices are front and center.

e.g. (From my Skid's experience). "I will do my homework to the best of my ability and will turn it in on time."

One glitch in handwriting, grammar or spelling and that hour of quota gets erased from the count. I am not talking a few hundred sentences. I am talking thousands upon thousands.

My Skid has the most beautiful handwriting I have every seen. }:)

One major benefit of sentences and stand alone laborious drudgery punishments is that it gives the rest of the family a break from the toxic spawn's noxious presence.

After all, why should the other three teens have to suffer the presence of the toxic model? Why should you and DH have to suffer for that matter.

He will either get on board or he will live a life of abject misery for the next three years. There is not all that much time to get him forged into a viable adult so I would suggest that you and DH get to hammering on him... figuratively of course.

As for the suicide threats... each time he pulls that crap ... call the specialists with the straight jacket and padded walled van to haul him off for help. He will learn that his BS playing of the suicide threat card just adds to his state of abject misery.

Good luck.