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Disengagement and Christmas

QTsmum's picture

Sort of a spin off of my last post.

What do you do for Christmas? I did everything. 100% for all kids.
I don't go crazy with gifts, but with 3 in the house, it adds up quick.

Do you make your spouse shop for their own kid?
I'm about being fair, but if SO was forced to shop for SS, he'd probably get nothing. Or maybe he just knows I would take care of it.

Cover1W's picture

I have a budget for the SDs like I have a budget for my niece.
I help DH with stocking stuffers and ideas. It's up to him to buy gifts for them and his family.
It's up to him to wrap them.

He's still not done and I refuse to participate in last minute insanity as I'm still busy with work and I do the majority of the grocery shopping (he splits bill at least). I'll prep dinner but he cooks Xmas dinner.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I USED to buy stuff for the skids. The last couple of years, DH has given the skids gift cards (which is the ONLY reason the SDs started coming). They're in for a rude surprise this year because, not only will there be NO gift cards from DH, there will also be NO gift bags of chocolates and candies from me. }:)

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

I used to do a lot of the shopping for the skids, because I like to shop and wrap and all that. We spent the same on all the kids (two skids and BS).

No matter what we got them, the dollar store crap BM got them was always better. Whatever.

Then they PASed out, and now they get a card. Meh.

ETexasMom's picture

After I was told I wasn't invited to Christmas a couple of years ago because it was going to be just "family" bonding time. I quit buying the steps and step grandkids Christmas presents. DH never buys them presents so they haven't gotten Christmas presents in years. Since I'm not good enough to be invited to their Christmas then I'm not good enough to sent them presents. DH and I have been together 12 years!

SacrificialLamb's picture

All of our children are adults. One of DH's SDs proclaimed that I was not family. I am not involved in anyway with that family, which means their presents took a serious nose dive. I do for my family; he does for his.

gaviotas's picture

I thought about it, but a year ago, I bought a nice school backpack for her, the one she wanted and never thanked me, even gave me that look...
So this year I went to a garage sale and bought a cheap gift for SD, her only gift (a t- shirt). DH bought her nothing.

Java_Junkie's picture

As I see it, my own kids (adults now, though still living with their mom) chose to stay with their mom for Christmas. Ex has always gotten front-row, so I let her give them front-row gifts. Because I get back-row, I have learned to not be overly generous (that little lesson took a couple years). This year, neither of my bios got anything from me except for a MERRY CHRISTMAS text message. Maybe one day, they'll learn.

SKids, while flawed, are much better. I did get them some nice stuff in addition to all the nice stuff I do all year.

THAT SAID:
New for 2018, Java will not spend more than $50 on a gift event (BDay, XMas, etc) for ANY of the kids or SKids in my life. I might just give them cash and leave it at that... and NO MORE "just because" gifts for anyone... and payment for chores will surely be merit based.
"You took the trash out? Thanks - I was just about to do that, but thank you! *pat on the head, patpat...*"
orrrr...
"You cleaned your room! Very few things beat taking a sense of pride in where you live! Keep up the great work."

None of these kids or SKids does much for me... and when they do, it's usually because they have a motive or they were coached to do so. They seldom thank me for anything (again, pretty much only when prodded). The SKids oftentimes cop an attitude with me, so I'm ready to write 'em off till they get older. As "tweens turning teens," they're even copping attitudes with DW. Heard SS told his dad he was stupid over Christmas break and he got a stern "talking to." I told DW that I'm 100% sure he'll do the same thing to me and her one day, and to stand by because I'll tell him to start packing an overnight bag because he'll be spending the night at his dad's place, and the truck will be hauling him away in 5 minutes.
She said she doesn't want to shut him out for saying something he doesn't mean...
I said it's disrespectful and I won't tolerate that whether it's to me OR to her, as the adults in our home.
She said we'll talk later.
I am sure she won't resume the discussion and the problem will organically come about on its own.
So I'll be ready... when he pops off with that (or other disrespect), I'll look at her and say, "OK, mom. Time to 'Parent Up' and do something. I won't tolerate that garbage in our home, and I fully expect that you would snap if it came from my kids. What'cha gonna do?" ... and I will also make it clear that if it goes untreated, I will spend the night in a hotel. If the behavior is repeated, either that kid spends the night with his (or her) dad, or I will spend the night at a hotel.

She's made it clear to me that I'm not these kids's parent and I can't discipline her kids; for 2018, I am a spouse, and I have the means to put the pressure on her when she won't. I'm not asking anyone to do anything unreasonable or unduly harsh. Basic social skills, respect, manners, etc.

NMK/NMP.