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I am leaving - 32 weeks pregnant & heartbroken

QTsmum's picture

An update on my last post ages ago.  I, stupidly, stayed and tried to work on things.  I saw my therapist more and had hope that we could fix what was already so broken.  I couldn't even get him to sit down with me to talk about our relationship.  My therapist suggested we schedule time to sit together and guys, he wouldn't.  He just would not.

Things have escalated so much.  He is completely unresponsive when I try to talk about anything but our business.  Literally gives me the silent treatment.  He has slept under the same roof as me maybe 5 times in the last 30-40 days.  He has shown zero interest in this pregnancy and he just has so much spite towards me in regards to his son.  He won't stop saying that I hate his kid, even if we have had the best week.  Any arguement that we have, he throws that at me, even if it has NOTHING to do with a blended family/kids.  So that's going to be what he uses to make a monster of me.  And that hurts.

He has shown the traits of a covert narcissist to a tee.  He has not taken any responsibility for any of our issues in YEARS.  He just shuts down and doesn't speak to me, until I get so upset that *I* apolgize and beg to make it work.  It's such a f*cked cycle.  I am so destroyed.  I think the "worst" thing I did for this relationship was suggest his child go to therapy for his behaviour (sexual touching, the aggression, which he STILL is doing at school to this day.)  The teacher sent home a note in October asking to sit down with him to discuss his child's school year and he still has NOT done it.  He child very clearly needs help.  But for a narcissist, the child is a reflection of himself and admitting that he needs therapy would be admitting there is a flaw in someone that thinks they are absolutely perfect.  He is literally unable to put his child's needs (mental or physical health) ahead of his own ego and desires.

His ex also filed for custody and support and back pay, so he's fighting with her in a court battle.  I saw in the affidavits that he did this exact thing to her as well.  My heart is so broken.  I can't believe I fell for him and his stories.  I'm such an idiot for ignoring the 10,000 red flags.  I have literally lost everything.  I invested so much money into him, his house, his kid and the business.  My entire support network were people I met through our business; I feel so isolated.   I have good moments and then out of no where, my entire world comes crashing down and I just can't breathe.

I haven't seen him in 8 days.  I asked him last night if he wanted to just come and sit with me and just exist near eachother for a few minutes and he read it and just did not reply.  

I am 32 weeks pregnant tomorrow.  

I feel like I have screwed up my entire life by trying to make it work with him.  

My ex husband (I have 2 boys with him) has been my support system.  It feels so screwed up, but he has been amazing.  I moved to this Province/city for his job and then ended up staying here because I met my current toxic partner.  We have stayed friends and have had a pretty healthy relationship despite the divorce.  He offered me a room in his basement, despite the fact that I'm about to have another man's baby.  He tried to get me to take over his master bedroom because there is a bathroom attached to it and I started bawling because it was so thoughtful and kind and man, it has been so f*cking long since I have felt kindness and that is just such a painful reality.  My ex-h's current love interest went through a relationship with emotional abuse and SHE told him he has to get me out of here (I'm still at our shared house, he's living at the gym).  Just getting validation made me cry, especially from someone that could easily just get buttburt about his and my past.  It is so hard to deal with because I am constantly questioning my responses, if I'm an awful person, etc.  But I KNOW I am a good person.  I would (and have) given anyone I care about anything.  My heart bleeds for those I love and that's why I was his perfect target.  I wanted to save him.  And I did, and I'm a bad guy for it because it wasn't enough. He was about to lose his house and his business when I told him I'd move in to help with the bills.  Dumb dumb girl.

I am not going to be putting him on the birth certificate and he will not be at the birth.  I will be alone, with my midwives, which breaks my heart more.  I spoke to a lawyer about it.  He will have to fight me to prove paternity and I have no intentions on staying in this province.  There is no judge that would make me stay here, even if he did take me to court.  My ex-H would move to BC in a heartbeat (he already works out there more than half the year) and not only is he shared custody of my boys, but he's my support system and I know that is very important in court.  

I have been keeping really thorough notes since things started going down hill and if he ever came after me for this baby, he would be screwed.  I honestly (and not spitefully) do not trust him alone with this baby.  I think he will leave her unsupervised with his child (who he refuses to create ground rules for in terms of him and this baby and his behaviour issues).  I have watched him leave his child unsupervised in our business for hours and hours and hours at a time for almost 5 years.  He told me his kid was begging for dinner the other week and he kept saying "right after I finish this...", and the kid asked 3 times and was starving.  (this was during the time he was stonewalling me and not coming home).  It is impossible for him to prioritize anyone but himself and the business.  And he's in for a long, hard road with his child's behaviour and knowing I don't have to be a part of that is a weight off my shoulders.  Knowing that he needs help and being told I'm an asshole for suggesting it and just staring down the barrell of a loaded gun, knowing he's going to be a nightmare with each year that passes...It's such a frustrating feeling.  I put my kids first above me, ALWAYS.  The last year or two, I have drifted away from myself so much.  I haven't laughed in ages.  I haven't gone and looked at christmas lights or danced with my kids or made cookies in what feels like a lifetime.  And that breaks my heart just as much.  I have paid for every birthday, every trip, every christmas, every little tiny necessity from socks and toothpaste to school supplies and shoes for him and his child and my own kids, since we met.  F@@k, I was even the one that ordered his birth certificate and enrolled him in school when neither of his parents did, days before school started!  His ex kept asking him to get snowpants for his kid this year and HE DIDNT.  Finally, I did.  (he walked out on my shortly after, so they went to goodwill.  THAT was spiteful.)

I honestly don't think that he is capable of loving ANYONE, even his own children.  He told me straight up that happiness is not his life's goal.  His "life's purpose" is our martial arts gym.  And "he's doing something bigger than himself".  Guys, we run a kickboxing gym and we charge an arm and a leg to train.  We aren't doing anything f@@@ing magical or charitable.

Luckily I saved about $12K that he doesn't know about (from my divorce settlement and slow drip savings) and I am collecting records of every cent I've paid into the house, the business and for big ticket items (like the 10K universal studios trip I paid for in January despite us fighting, because I wanted to do something as a family...). I am a shareholder in the business and with it being his "life's purpose", I'm sure he'll do anything to buy me out, so I should get a big chunk of money to get me through for a bit so I can take care of this sweet baby without worry.  When I met him, his business was making $10K (and running at a loss).  Last year we closed at over $200K and bought a huge building.  But I'm nothing.  

Fun fact; he and his ex broken up when his child was only 1 and he told me all these horror stories about her/her lack of parenting after she had the baby.  After seeing how awful he has been to me during this pregnancy, I seriously wonder if she had really bad post partum depression and just became unable to function.  Then he discarded her for me pretty quickly, which had to have felt so bloody awful.  I think she's a shit person, but boy, do I ever have massive amounts of empathy for her now.  

Sorry for the long post.  I've been wanting to update for a while.  

Raising this baby on my own will be the hardest thing I ever do.  But I probably would have stayed with him forever had she not existed.  So really, she's my saving grace.  Maybe that'll be her middle name; Grace.  I'll stick it on the list!  

ndc's picture

Have you spoken with a lawyer?  If not, please do ASAP.  Make sure your ducks are in a row, with respect to the baby, the business, the house, etc.  If he's fighting his ex in court, he's going to fight you, too.  

QTsmum's picture

Yes.  I have.

 

The business is going to be along process though since it's incorporated.

justmakingthebest's picture

I agree with Panther. If he is off the hook financially, he might not care about the child. Although, my ex#2 was a narcissist and used to say things like his son (my exSS) was the only thing in this world that was truly his. That always weirded me out. A kid is your child but you don't "own" them... they aren't things that are yours...

Other than that, be careful with your exH, I have a good relationship with my exH too and if I was ever in trouble like you are in, he would help me too. However, remind yourself over and over that there is a reason you aren't married. Don't get in the middle of his current relationship. As soon as you can get out of that house an back to your independent life.  

Thumper's picture

Thanks for sharing everything with us.

As nice as it sounds that your ex and his girlfriend have offered their basement to you--you must see THAT is not a wise move.

Found your own spot where ever it is and stand on your own two feet. YOU can do this..

I am not sure about the laws where you are but since you are married, your child born OF that marriage is assumed to be your husbands,,,,. Here in the states it is. A lot of women can get over on their husbands when fact is it is someone elses child NOT their husbands.

GoodLuck with everything.

readingandlearning's picture

People with children from previous relationships have no business dating childless people. The reason I say this is their priority will always be their kids and their ex. You will come third, fourth, down the line. That is not fair to you and is very selfish of them. BTW I've never believed kids should come first regardless. (basic needs aside obviously, we are not talking about when a child is sick, hungry, hurt, etc, of course the child should come first then obviously). I've always believed your husband/wife should come first. However we live in a child obsessed society and usually when someone is divorced it is because they have prioritized their kids over their spouse to begin with. The child should not be making decisions that effect the household constantly. Schedules should not entirely revolve around the child's activites and wants. The child should not be sided with when they are behaving poorly. The child should not be sleeping in the parent's bed, in charge of the tv, etc. These patterns do not change over time. Just look at when something happens at school or concerning another child. They always defned their child, never being open minded enough to see that their child may be the problem. They will always blame the other child at school or the teacher, etc. Their kids end up running the household and these kids know this and will take advantage of this. Their kids end up entitled and have major issues once they are "grown up." Many end up not leaving the home well past the appropriate age. Many turn into abusers themselves. I am very sorry you are in this situation with a child on the way to a man who is emotionally unavailable in too many ways to count. The reality is he was never a good candidate to be a husband nor father to your child to begin with. I am very sorry you are in this position and do believe you are doing the right thing by leaving. Who knows what type of abuse your child will face from their step siblings and DH once the baby has arrived.

LuckyGirl's picture

Now leave. Take your stuff and go, and don't look back. Lesson learned and a better life awaits.

Accept help from the people who love you (friends or family you trust). And leave this man in the dust.

That said I agree with not relying on your EXH. It's not healthy and more importantly, working through things alone will give you an inner strength you never knew you had, which will last for a lifetime.

Enjoy your beautiful new baby, and all the very best of luck.

CLove's picture

GLAD you are getting out!

So sorry you are going through this. You can do this! Sad for your kiddo who has a pos father, but its better you are a single mother, and your little wont be in any danger from the bio father as well as the skid.

Thats really really nice of your exh and his new so. I would respect their relationship and do it on your own, independently. Get away from your current situation, and reach out to other moms in your situation, or family.

Even if I did not have a high conflict golden uterus BM Toxic Troll, I would not be happy if DH spent a tone of time helping out bio mother. She might be empathetic right now, but I guarrantee you that if there is too much enmeshment she will be upset and it will affect their relationship negatively.

Keep us in the loop, and get out pronto!