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I think I need therapy. :(

QTsmum's picture

I don't think I'm okay anymore.  I feel like I've swallowed my feelings because I've felt like an asshole or selfish so many times and now I feel like breaking down.

Very recently we played with the idea of having an ours baby.  It has been a HUGE weight on me and tons of heated conversations.  We both ended up coming back to not being sure if we were unable to give up our alone time.  We end up with a week alone once every 6 weeks with our custody schedules and it's amazing and we reconnect and enjoy eachother and work on our business and it's just this beautiful week.  And we both value that week so much.  It's like our life raft amongst the f##king chaos.  So we have just paused the conversation.


DF's ex wouldn't sign the divorce papers that they agreed to file jointly because they came back suggesting that child support should be paid.  It's in their agreement that it wouldn't be paid by either party.  She was a nurse when they separated.  He ran his own business that was sinking, so she made way more.  Now 4 years later, we're running the business together and have become quite successful.  (with that being said, the business makes a lot per month but the take home isn't great because we're basically like a start up again with a ton of we don't have money to throw at a lawyer, ya know....and we also want to move out of ourr shit hole house every cent we bring in already has a job).  She got fired from her job years ago, actively chooses not to work and prides herself for being on welfare.  She also moved into DF's mother's house.  Don't f##king ask.  I could strangle them both.  So not only does she not have any bills or responsibilities, but now she's got it in her head that she's going to come after him for support.  Mond you, she won't do the paperwork to process it because she's as lazy as they come, but she's already begun to threaten DF again.  *sigh*. 

So after talking to the lawyer at the divorce place, they concluded that he should go after full custody first, and then they can go to the divorce court.  And because she's in a field that has a lot of active job openings, she's not going to get squat.  She also has an open CAS case, so I don't think getting full custody would be overly difficult (but who knows). 

So now we're staring down the barrel at spending a ton of money we don't have...imaginary money that was supposed to go towards OUR future... and fighting for full custody of a kid I don't want here full time (Ick, that feels so awful) and the conversation about a baby is flat out over because I'm not doing that with this situation at all....and we still lose our alone time.  I feel like everything is sacrifices because he made a shit decision to spawn with a f##king pshyco.  And it's his reponsbility to care for his kid, and it's my choice to be here....but I still hate it and feel selfish and horrible.  

I really just need to talk to someone.  I literally have nobody and I feel like I'm starting to spiral and I don't feel like I can even talk to DF because it's so personal and offensive and I know we'll fight.  


I just feel so spiteful that he had a baby with her.  I feel like I can't get over it, and now we're looking at losing everything as a couple for his choice.  :(

Step-girlfriend's picture

Ugh, this sucks. I'm sorry. Yes we all make the choice to do this step thing, and it's hard enough the way it is. When you throw in unexpected major changes, it can be unbearable. I would be miserable if this happened to us. I feel for you.

There is no shame in talking to a therapist! Everyone needs someone to talk to, and as amazing and sympathetic as we all are here on ST :), comments on a blog are probably not enough. I also get that talking to DH doesn't seem like an option. Sorry you are going through this, hoping everything works out the best it can.



Want2's picture

He’s technically still married. Really wouldn’t it be best to stay out of this situation until he’s got it over and done and is legally available to begin dating? At least it would save your sanity. I can’t imagine astute therapist would advise you to stay enmeshed with this. Most advise people to wait a year or more to even begin dating after divorce. Eharmony won’t let you sign up if you’re honest on the questionnaire and put separated.

QTsmum's picture

Yep, it would have for sure, but it's too late for takesies-backsies on that.  And my sanity is already long gone.    He's been separated for over 4 years with a previous "trial separation", with the divorce only pushing forward because our business lawyer (and I!) told him to.  Laziness/money thing, I guess.  He put way too much weight in their separation agreement...and has watched his mom and dad be separated but not divorced for years.  I think he thought it was fine with their agreement.  

One of my biggest mistakes/regrets is intertwining so much of our lives so quickly.  

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I think you’re making the right choice. It sounds like as frustrated as you are you’re where you want to be.
I would push the custody and divorce issues. Don’t play games. He can show they had everything worked out and she backed out at the last moment. Work with a lawyer to write up what you want. Give her time to respond. If you can work with the response do if not go to court and be done.

In the end that’s what my partner had to do. They BS’ed around for 6 months till finally he made it clear he was done. His requests were reasonable and there wasn’t anything more to discuss. She ended up agreeing at that point and taking it to court uncontested but even his lawyer was ready to just go stand in front of a judge.

Biggest thing is to stop playing around because the longer he does the worse it is for you guys and the worse she can screw him over.

marblefawn's picture

Yea, never good to get too involved too before someone has straightened out their mess on their own.

But hey, you are where you are.

I don't like kids, but on your "ours" baby, I understand a lot of people have kids and are so into it, they don't mind giving up the lifestyle they once had. I guess I'm saying if you have a kid, there would be rewards in exchange for what you lose.

Still, I think you're right to wait. You don't know how this thing will shake out with his divorce. You don't want to be so cash strapped that having a baby is a burden and not a joy.

Have you thought about trying a mediator instead of a divorce attorney? I think it can be a cheaper option when it works. And while she might put up a fight, the idea of mediation is that there's someone to referee the contentious points. Maybe something to think about.

Don't be too hard on yourself for feeling resentment and anger. You're in the thick of this thing. You'd have to be dead to not feel some regret for his mistakes and yours. Hopefully, someday, you'll be through it and you'll be glad you hung in there.

Goodluck's picture

I believe your dh is putting the cart before the horse regarding filing for full custody while CPS has yet to remove the child. The case is active with no removal or request by cps for change of current placement.

Please let me know if a different Judge goes  OVER a sitting CPS Judges authority on this one.  

You have too many coals in the fire. Its no wonder you feel overwhelmed. YOU come first and the sooner you switch 'life' up, the better.

Find a Doctor in Family and Marriage Therapy. JMO


SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

they are still legally married, isn't she legally able to take half your house and the business? 

Harry's picture

Is your SO paying CS or not.  How does he expects his kids are going to live with out support ?  When you hook up with someone with kids.  Thing always don’t goyour way !  You knw he has to support his kids.  Number two it great he has his own business but he has to earn money to pay his bills.  There a lot of who want to do our own thing but can’t because we have bill to pay. Do you really want full custody ?  Thenyounwill get no alone time.  

Most likely you will not get full custody,  all you will do is make the lawer rich.  I think you should look for someone else with out kids

tog redux's picture

What a mess. I got involved with DH before he was divorced, too, and what a long and ugly slog that was.  It took over two years to hammer out a divorce and custody agreement, which she of course never followed, and it all ended with my SS being completely alienated for years.  But before that, there was endless drama and attorney's fees.  I thought I might lose my mind.

Don't have an ours baby. Do not.  I don't understand that urge people have to cement a relationship with another baby. There is enough chaos in your home without adding that dynamic.  Why is he fighting for custody? So he doesn't have to pay Child Support? That's not a good reason AT ALL, and it's not going to be an easy thing to do. Courts are biased towards women. Even when they do give a father full custody, they often don't order the woman to pay any support at all. And it's not easy to do.  And if he does get it, BM isn't going to go away. She will still make life challenging for you.

Do find a therapist, and decide if you want to stay in this situation.

CLove's picture

It really helped me, coming on this site, and talking (writing) all my frustrations and feelings out. Its a living diary of my journey.

I met my then SO now DH almost 6 years ago, on his first outing after his separation. Then, spent 1.5 years as friends while he was going through his "transition". Then started a relationship while "continuing the transition", which consisted of watching him while he was jumping through hoops to keep the toxicTroll not-quite ex happy, so she wouldnt completely screw him over during the inevitable divorce process. 

Things still got ugly. Back and forth, she wished him dead, she called him horrible names, she threatened him. Neither had an attorney. He hired a paralegal refered by a friend. His friends and myself were advising him to "get out as soon as possible, that things would only get worse the longer he spent legaly married". We were all right. Another 6-7 months and he would have to pay alimony in perpetuity. Luckily they both agreed that the marriage officially ended on the month he started a relationship to me (lol, yeah right), she agreed to 4 years of alimony. she agreed to no child support. That was then.

Now, a few years after divorce is final, she is ugly again, right after hearing we got married. She filed and won for child support, and head of household, even though we still pay for everything and have 49/50 (california is not a 50/50 state we found out) Plus all the financial stuff. It get so complicated when you have a relationship with someone who is separated-not-divorced. He had filed bankruptcy just to get her name off things, plus had previous debt I found out. 

And this man has 2 daughters with Toxic Troll. So I not only went through the whole separation and divorce with HIM, I went through it with the kids too. Toxic Feral SD19.5 is just like her mother. 

So, your SO needs to figure things out and get his previous marriage ducks in a row. I hope that with respect to your business together, you have things legally hammered out. The Custody thing -- I had thought that happened while hammering out divorce decree - thats how it worked with DH.

I am bio-free and this is my first marriage. So many times I have wished that I did not have this "first family" albatross around my neck! I do resent DH's choices, but I also love him, his family and his youngest daughter, who thinks of me like a second mom.

A therapist and reading this board will help you get your head above water. But you need a bigger boat, friend.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

I didn’t live with my DH until he was 100% divorced from biohag and we were 100% married. I think you should move out and get your kids back in your life more,

Tell him when he muzzles his psycho ex and the ink’s dry on the divorce papers you’ll consider taking him back.

QTsmum's picture

I left tonight.  I'm a super planner but within 20 minutes I booked and Airbnb and packed my bag and left.  I have 2 night away and might extend until Saturday 


Nice place  free wine, awesome hot tub and time alone to think. I'm not being a dummy.  I feel like he is gas lighting me.  I'm going to stay here until I have to get my own boys back and then I have a therapist appointment on Tuesday.  Looking forward to sorting my thoughts out and this amazing house... its seriously gorgeous and the first time I have done something just for me.

pinklove0015's picture

Do not have a baby with this man! He is still LEGALLY married. It will not be the right choice. You shouldn't have even dated him until he was divorced!

SittingPretty's picture

What an awful situation. Is she a bad mother? Do you want full custody for other reasons?

My ex owns his own business and has never had to pay any child support. Files a loss every year and it’s not worth the time/money/drama to do anything about it. It’ll be hard for her to go after much money, especially if it’s a start up company with lots of expenses. Any time my ex has mentioned child support (from me), I tell him that the courts won’t be sympathetic to his very minimal employment, and will give him an income that they think is fair. I don’t think it’s a reason to go after custody, unless she’s a horrible parent. 

Also, a custody battle can set you back a lot of money. If you own your own company and can doctor the books anyway, I would weigh up a 30-60k legal fight (in my limited experience this is about average) against paying a small amount of child support every month.