I think I need therapy. :(
I don't think I'm okay anymore. I feel like I've swallowed my feelings because I've felt like an asshole or selfish so many times and now I feel like breaking down.
Very recently we played with the idea of having an ours baby. It has been a HUGE weight on me and tons of heated conversations. We both ended up coming back to not being sure if we were unable to give up our alone time. We end up with a week alone once every 6 weeks with our custody schedules and it's amazing and we reconnect and enjoy eachother and work on our business and it's just this beautiful week. And we both value that week so much. It's like our life raft amongst the f##king chaos. So we have just paused the conversation.
DF's ex wouldn't sign the divorce papers that they agreed to file jointly because they came back suggesting that child support should be paid. It's in their agreement that it wouldn't be paid by either party. She was a nurse when they separated. He ran his own business that was sinking, so she made way more. Now 4 years later, we're running the business together and have become quite successful. (with that being said, the business makes a lot per month but the take home isn't great because we're basically like a start up again with a ton of overhead...so we don't have money to throw at a lawyer, ya know....and we also want to move out of ourr shit hole house eventually...so every cent we bring in already has a job). She got fired from her job years ago, actively chooses not to work and prides herself for being on welfare. She also moved into DF's mother's house. Don't f##king ask. I could strangle them both. So not only does she not have any bills or responsibilities, but now she's got it in her head that she's going to come after him for support. Mond you, she won't do the paperwork to process it because she's as lazy as they come, but she's already begun to threaten DF again. *sigh*.
So after talking to the lawyer at the divorce place, they concluded that he should go after full custody first, and then they can go to the divorce court. And because she's in a field that has a lot of active job openings, she's not going to get squat. She also has an open CAS case, so I don't think getting full custody would be overly difficult (but who knows).
So now we're staring down the barrel at spending a ton of money we don't have...imaginary money that was supposed to go towards OUR future... and fighting for full custody of a kid I don't want here full time (Ick, that feels so awful) and the conversation about a baby is flat out over because I'm not doing that with this situation at all....and we still lose our alone time. I feel like everything is sacrifices because he made a shit decision to spawn with a f##king pshyco. And it's his reponsbility to care for his kid, and it's my choice to be here....but I still hate it and feel selfish and horrible.
I really just need to talk to someone. I literally have nobody and I feel like I'm starting to spiral and I don't feel like I can even talk to DF because it's so personal and offensive and I know we'll fight.
I just feel so spiteful that he had a baby with her. I feel like I can't get over it, and now we're looking at losing everything as a couple for his choice. :(