Being a step parent is pointless
As another poster said on the general discussions blog 'Warning about becoming a SM'. Tonight, DH told me I'm jealous of BM! I quickly told him good night and went to bed as to not start a fight in front of SD.
He has gotten SD every weekend for the past 3-4 weeks, which I don't mind. BM said SD could stay over tonight again at 4pm. We got home from a movie just now at 10pm and DH asked SD if she wanted to call BM. SD asked why, she had just spoken to her. I was sitting right next to him in our room (SD was in her room) and told him that SD is 12 not 2 and doesn't need to talk to mommy 3 times a day when she's at our house.
But I'm "jealous" I guess. He seems to be so far up BM's azz that he forgot that BM never encouraged SD to have phone conversations with him on BM's time and even ignored and never returned COed designated phone calls between 7-7:30pm. Or that BM trashed him in court to make sure he got minimal visitation 4 years ago and now thinks they're besties because for some reason BM decided to coparent. But I'M jealous.
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Yuck! If DH ever told me I
Yuck! If DH ever told me I was jealous of BM...I don't know what I'd do, but I think he'd be sleeping in the guest room!
Be grateful you’re SD doesn’t
Be grateful you’re SD doesn’t live in your house every single freaking day for years now. Be grateful for the small things that others have to put up with on a daily basis .....grrrrrr
And yeah....., it’s pointless be a stepmom. Totally agree with you
That right, be very grateful
That right, be very grateful she not there 24/7 where you don’t get one minute of alone time with SO
Of course you are jealous of
Of course you are jealous of BM! She got rid of this man, and you haven't - yet!
In this dynamic you are the spare wheel. DH and BM are doing what they want in relation to how they "parent" their child without any consideration to you and your household. They make arrangements irrespective of the CO and you are expected to slot in with their plans. Your husband has not learned where the boundaries are or how to set them. You unfortunately are outside of that boundary instead of inside it, with BM on the outside. It is all wrong if you want to have a smooth running household.
You are jealous of BM? I doubt it. More like frustrated at both BM and DH showing you scant consideration. It will not change until you enforce changes with DH.
You are NOT jealous of BM. I
You are NOT jealous of BM. I get your point. When SS12 and SS15 are here BM calls them three to four times. DH is supposed to talk to them on the nights they aren't here I believe around 6. That NEVER happens.
I admire that you went to bed because I probably would have went from 0 to 1000 in a second.
“BM said SD could stay over
“BM said SD could stay over tonight again at 4pm.”
Of course she did.
Doesn’t BM have another child? A much younger one than SD? Parenting kids with an age gap like that can be exhausting because it has you going in two separate directions. So, or course BM is going to “allow” or “let” DH have all the extra time with SD. Gee, she’s so nice.
This is why I brought up the the “beware of bringing a bio of your own into this” in your last blog. The one you’ve since deleted.
This is a window into things to come. Pay close attention to what your DH says, in defense of BM’s behavior. His own behavior. I fear that you will one day have children, BM will go from 70/30 to 95/5, with her own child, and your DH will still pay her CS because she’s too big bad scary to deal with.
My respect for my DH would go down in degrees if he had the audacity to tell me I was “jealous of BM”. Really? At that moment I’d have to step back and take a hard look just what my place and purpose is in all of this.
You think adding an 'ours'
You think adding an 'ours' baby would make BM give SD up even more?
I let him have it when he
I let him have it when he came to bed. He apologized and said he didn't mean that I was being jealous but that I'd been talking crap about BM all day and just wanted me to let it go.
Darn right I talk crap about BM every chance I get! Not in front of SD, of course. But DH just wants to coparent SD and let BM walk all over him in hopes that SD will choose to live with us in a few years. I, on the other hand, will never forget the HE!! she put him through to get MINIMAL visitation and now she wants to be besties? No, I will never quit reminding him what a POS she is- but I'm jealous?? To add insult to injury, she was hiding an affair from him and taking SD to hang out with the 'other' guy while DH was at work, mistreated him for 5 years as an ATM, AND lied in court that he never provided for SD and her and that SD 'feared' being around him/ us.
BM was/is the jealous one! She would tell DH she loved him after he moved out, insisted on joint birthday parties for SD where I couldn't be invited, attempted to poison SD against me when she realized I want going anywhere.. I also speculate that she's been willing to coparent recently because the newness of the relationship with her boyfriend is wearing off and she sees that life with DH isn't so bad because we're happy. She must be bored with her 'normal' life and I wouldn't doubt if she's having an affair on the boyfriend. I could go on for hours.
The man is telling you he
The man is telling you he wants you to stop harping on the BM stuff. He isn't holding onto all the awful stuff BM did TO HIM.
Keep doing what you're doing after he has asked to to knock it off, and you will come across as the bitter, crazy, jealous one.
Maybe bitter and crazy but
Maybe bitter and crazy but jealous I'll never be. Do I resent that he had a child with such an awful person? Yes.
That resentment is normal.
That resentment is normal. Making the CHOICE to continue to throw BM crap in his face after he has asked you stop isn't.
Keep doing this and you will drive a wedge between the two of you. No man(or woman) wants to be with someone who is hell bent on continuously pointing out their past mistakes. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face.
You're right but goodness I
You're right but goodness I despise that woman. I just don't think it's fair that she gets to drag my husband through the mud and be nice to him when it conveniences her. And it's disgusting to me how he thinks she's doing him a favor by letting him see his own kid when he wanted 50/50 to begin with. Nothing more, nothing less.
You are giving her too much
You are giving her too much space in your head. Your DH is doing his best to be mature and move on from stuff for the benefit of his child. It may or may not work out as he hopes... but if he approaches his EX with animosity at every turn, he can expect it to definitely go south more quickly. He really doesn't need to hear you harping on about her. He is doing what he thinks is best to move forward and constant conflict with you will only make YOU the person who he wants to escape from.
I dislike my DH's ex intensely.. however, I didn't ever bring her up. I wasn't going to ruin my day with thoughts about her! Now both my SD's are adult and we don't have to see his ex. In fact skipped OSD's thanksgiving because the ex was also present.
Now, my MIL told me once that I shouldn't let her "intimidate" me. I explained quite plainly that she doesn't intimidate me.. I just choose not to be around toxic people.. that is my choice.
I feel for you, I really
I feel for you, I really do.
You’re in a place I was many years ago with my own DH, before he pulled his codependent, enabling head out of his arse. Add to that the dynamics of an opportunistic BM, that’s more of a mom in the noun sense, than verb, yeah stuff was tumultuous for awhile.
My DH’s ex was very unpredictable. She could be hot or cold, depending on the situation and her feelings at that very moment. Prior to having children with DH, BM was very into pawning skid off on DH and us. Heck, he’d drop whatever we were doing to “allow” BM to drop skid off at a moments notice. Once he went through mediation with her for visitation, he put up boundaries and maintained them. That’s when BM became very gatekeeper-ish and into parental alienation. Once we had our first child, she flipped back to “Here. Here is YOUR daughter. I can’t deal with her. Let her bond with your new child”. Sounds nice, right? But it was all very nasty. Terribly confusing and emotional time for skid and DH. The thought of having skid around 24/7, while taking care of myself and a newborn gave me horrible anxiety.
Thankfully, DH pushes back and enforced the CO through his attorney, because BM wasn’t having any of it.
All I’m saying is, I would proactively fix what’s going on presently, first, then “our” kid(s) later. I would not be okay with a 70/30 situation while paying full CS. Either he enforces the CO, or goes back to court for CS modification. He cannot play this “she ain’t having it” card. Why is your DH enabling her? And more importantly, why is he lashing out at you for pointing that out?
Edited to add: Do you do a majority of the “parenting” when SD is around? If so, and I know you love her and all, but perhaps you should ease off the gas a little. Give DH some space to father his daughter. Maybe, just maybe he might change his tune when it comes to what he’ll continue to allow from BM. Just a thought...
That’s my advice from a been there/done that place.
You also need to let go of
You also need to let go of the fact that BM is a habitual cheater. She’s somebody else’s problem now. Find comfort in that and let it go.
I'm curious what an ours baby
I'm curious what an ours baby would do to BM. I think she's overwhelmed with SD and her toddler, hence letting DH take SD almost anytime. I would want SD to bond with him/her as much as possible but I also know that SD has never cared for younger kids. She still has the only child mentality even though the toddler is 3.
If he did file for a custody mod would BM giving him significant overnights be cause to adjust it? Knowing BM, a major control freak, she would immediately retract any extra time she previously allotted. However, SD has been out of town with us 3 times and stayed on school nights, which aren't COed.
So, are you saying you and DH
So, are you saying you and DH are fearful that BM would retaliate by retracting extra time, by going back to 50/50, what the CO states?
She’s really running the show here, huh?
That “third wheel” comment another poster made really hits the nail on the head, then.
He doesn't have 50/50
He doesn't have 50/50 currently. He has EOWE but is getting SD about 30% of the time. I'm saying that BM would probably stop being so generous if it were 50/50 on paper.
Also, BM makes more money than DH but he's convinced he'd still pay CS with true 50/50. I told him that's crazy and he said he knows people who have their kids full time but still owe the NCP CS. I told him he's nucking futs but stranger things have happened, I'm sure.
She fought tooth and nail to
She fought tooth and nail to retain nice child support coming in- and then 'offer' more and more time to him. Eventually she will say-well, look at how nice I am, I'm giving him 50/50 after all, that's what he wanted-all while receiving the nice check. LOL. SO predictable these skanks.
That's exactly what the
That's exactly what the Girhippo did. First, she withheld visitation due to the shock of Chef actually divorcing her ass. Then, when she discovered internet dating she couldn't dump the skids off fast enough or long enough. All the while putting on the MOTY show. Got "sole physical and joint legal custody" which in NYS means biodad pays CS through the nose, yet has zero authority.
Then, when she found Chef's "replacement" aka StepDaddyBigBucks, she ramped up the PAS and ended visitation.
Exactly what BM did too. It’s
Exactly what BM did too.
It’s like it’s straight out of the Narcissistic GUBM Handbook or something.
I AM SORRY your feeling this
I AM SORRY your feeling this way. I truly am. There IS one way to make it a little better.
Does BM get child support for a child she doesn't care for more than MAYBE 4, 5 hours max a day? But on the books she is custodial parent with 100000 (extreme I know) over nights right?
It may be time to get all of this on paper in a new court order??? BM may say no because she doesn't want less child support but geezeeeee 20hours a week at how much a month is A LOT of money.
Add up how many hours she is really with sd12.
It will shock you.
SD is 12, dad really doesn't have to ask her IF she wants to call BM. If she was 6, yeah, 7 and even 10 years old but 12. Not so much. Unless it is still in the order.
Hang in there...you don't REALLY want to be BM do you?
^^^ this. I love dogs, I feel
^^^ this.
I love dogs, I feel like you are far too obliging, caring, and perhaps a little... naive when it comes to the dynamics of DH’s and BM’s CS and visitation. I mean this in the kindest of ways. I think this is great that you’re here and that you’re arming yourself with knowledge. I hope it empowers you to make this better for you, your marriage, and the future.
she pulled a fast one all
she pulled a fast one all right....THEN say NO to her calls.
That is what I would do. DH can get back into court with a 'change of circumstance if he wanted to try". LETS make the court order reflect the truth BM.
been there, done that,
been there, done that, burned the t shirt.
My partner's 39yo worthless
My partner's 39yo worthless adult son behaved very disrepectfully to me on several occasions behind his father's back. He also used my home as a club, MEETING HOUSE FOR HIS FRIENDS, A SOUP KITCHEN AND TRIED MAKE MY HOUSE A PLACE OF ILL REPUTE WITH DIFFERENT GIRLS. I PUT MY FOOT DOWN AND HAVE SINCE BANNED HIM COMPLETELY FROM MY HOME!!!!
On one occassion I let him stay on a TEMPORARY BASIS as he was thrown out by one of his many women for playing around and had been sleeping in his car. He would be knocking my door at 5.30 am begging breakfast....
MORE FOOL ME!!!! THE IDIOT TRIED TO MOVE ANOTHER GIRL INTO MY HOME UNDER MY NOSE. ANOTHER OF HIS WOMEN TURNED UP AT MY HOME WITH HER SUITCASE. I ALLOWED THEM ONE NIGHT INTO MY HOME- NOT ALLOWED UPSTAIRS AND THE NEXT DAY THEY BOTH HAD TO GO!!!!!
HE NOW KNOWS THAT HE CANNOT STEP ANOTHER FOOT BACK INTO MY HOME EVER AGAIN!!! HE WAS EVEN GOING TO A NEIGHBOUR'S HOUSE BUT HAS NOW WORN OUT HIS WELCOME. HE WOULD DRINK OUT THEIR RUM AND STAY DRUNK AND SMELLY ON THEIR LEATHER SOFA ALL WEEKEND.
THE NEIGHBOUR'S DAUGHTER WHO IS 12 FINALLY TOLD HIM ABOUT HIS B.O.PROBLEM AND HE HAS HARDLY BEEN THERE SINCE BUT HE DID TRY TO SNEAK ANOTHER OF HIS GIRLS INTO THE NEIGHBOUR'S HOUSE BUT THE DAUGHTER REFUSED TO ALLOW HIM IN.....she told her mother what happened.....
ALL THIS INFO HAS BEEN RELAYED TO ME BY THE NEIGHBOUR's DAUGHTER HERSELF.
I RESPECT THE SM who did not allow the disrespectful SD into the home as she would cause no end of trouble...
THE SD HAS 2 PARENTS. THE SM IS NOT A PARENT TO THE FEISTY SD. IF THE SD HAD MOVED IN AND GOT HER FEET UNDER THE TABLE IT WOULD BE AN ALMIGHTY TASK TO GET HER TO MOVE OUT.
PEOPLE WHO DO NOT HAVE STEPKIDS MAY NOT FULLY UNSTERSTAND THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF THE DISRESPECTFUL BEHAVIOUR EXPERIENCED BY MANY SMs.
I WENT THROUGH IT AND THOUGH I JUST ABOUT TOLERATE MY PARTNER'S DAUGHTER, WOULD NOT WANT HER TO MOVE INTO MY HOME ALTHOUGH SHE HAS ASKED ME ON SEVERAL OCCASSIONS BUT I HAVE ALWAYS REFUSED.
LET THE BIO PARENTS CLUB TOGETHER AND RENT A PROPERTY FOR THEIR ADULT CHILD FOR A LIMITED PERIOD.
"DH told me I'm jealous of
"DH told me I'm jealous of BM"
Next time answer YES I am cause she drops her responsibility and I have to raise her daughter, if she can't why the hell did she have a child... }:) }:)
Yes I'm jealous cause BM gets tot pop out children and leave them with other people to raise... }:)
When my DDs ex bales on
When my DDs ex bales on taking their daughter I remind DD that the more time she pends with us the more we influence her behaviour and values. Just consider that for a moment.
If I were you I would sit down with DH and have this kind of conversation. You listened and commiserated for years about how evil BM is. How she has no consideration for anyone else except herself. You listened for xxx months/years. So your impression of BM is coloured by his dialogue. So when he turns around and figuratively kisses her arse and suddenly she really isn't so bad leaves you confused and really out of the loop. So what is it?
Then address the phone calls. If SD is old enough for a locker at school she is old enough to call her mother without prompting. What is the worst BM can do? Yell at DH? To which he hangs up with the suggestion she calls back when she has a civil tongue in her head. HE doesn't need to listen to her crap.
And finally address the change of plans at the last minute. Ask him how he would feel if he had expectations for the evening and then you told him your cousin/mother/ brother was coming over. After all, these people are your family. So suddenly the dynamics of the evening change. In future you would appreciate him running the change of plans by you first as you are another adult living in the home. And whether you planned a night of passion or a movie that would be a little too cerebral for 12 yr old, he can do you the courtesy of discussing with you. Also he should tell BM from time to time that he already has plans for the day/evening and he will be dropping off SD at the normal time. This doesn't mean he doesn't love his daughter, it means BM wants less time with their daughter. Throw that back at BM!
And enjoy the times you can influence this young woman's entry into adulthood more than her mother.